"Robert Atendido" <ratendido@mac.com> wrote:
Okay, this doesn't work. You have been writing from Shinji's point of
view for the whole thing, then you abruptly switch focus for two
sentences, and then switch back. It's jarring, and throws off any flow
you have built up until this point.
The only way I can think of to fix this is to have the girl be closer, and
Shinji hear (but not register) what she said. Either that, or re-write
the whole thing in 3rd person omniscient, but that'd be rather drastic.
Ok, fixed up in the version on the webpage.
Cause and effect have been moved to the end.