Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to misquote
facts and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at
one point can easily be retracted on the next, depending on how the story
progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I
see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your
fic? You have the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you
can use and ignore the rest. ^_^
It also occurs to me that my lexicon may not be at par with yours, so any
unfamiliar word I ask about isn't necessarily a correction but just general
ignorance on my part (as pointed out by a certain Thomas Michael Edwards). As
such, it'd be appreciated if you'd have the patience to clear up some of my
questions on those particular instances. Thanks.
Now on with the regularly scheduled C&C. And, without further adieu, my current
victim is... ^_^
On 2/16/06, Morgan Hudson <dataraven_659@hotmail.com> wrote:
Anyway, it is very early, and I have been up very late. So, rather than try
to be witty, I will simply say "on with the fic" as I always do, and then
save all my witty repartee for the respones, okay? ^_^
(pouts) Awwww. Oh, btw, it's 'responses'. ^_^
REVAMPED LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Whatever else may have changed in this story
of mine, trust me - the Sailor Senshi still belong to Kodansha and
Cloverway, and the Samurai Troopers are the legal property of Sunrise and
Bandai Entertainment. So are all of their related friends and associates.
Takeuchi and Yatate: (pouts, wishing that the revamped legal disclaimer will
be, well, revamped further)
Chapter 4: Many Happy Returns
Fei Lian was tired, and wet, and aching. He always ached, a
constant throbbing pain in his side that burned its way from his hip to
his shoulder with every breath. He had not taken a single hit in his
entire battle, but blood dripped from between the scales of his mail coat
from an injury he had recieved eons ago.
And from the get-go we have: recieved --> received
Grammar Rule #24: Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
Grammar Rule #63: I before E except after C or sounding like 'a' as in
'neighbor' and 'weigh'. Unless it's weird.
fate and was once more bending his bow in defence of the earth realm.
Surely, Arago had said, the mightly Fei Lian,
mightly --> mighty
travelled to the town of Naniwa, called 'Osaka' by its more recent
inhabitants,
Incidentally, Mr. Hudson, can you clue me in on some of your research
materials? I also need to know the 'olden' names of some of Japan's most famous
places, y'see. Thanks if you can help, and thanks still if you can't help.
archer could be if properly enraged. The Prince of the Heavens had a very
volatile temper, far worse than that of his earthly brother Endymion.
That's not really saying anything, since Endymion, AFAIK, doesn't even have a
short and/or volatile temper.
they were away from Radanthus' opressing
opressing --> oppressing
the time when she decided it was worth her effort to try to kill him. In
Xiang Yao's twisted little mind, it was only a matter of time before she
reached that decision. He had no choice but to hang on to the cursed
thing. It was all that could protect him.
But they might get out...
Hehehe. Nice catch-22.
the delicate sensibilities of the fish. One wrong step and it would be
push-ups with a load of bricks on his back again.
push-ups --> pushups (dictionary-verifiable word/d-v-w, so no need for the
hyphen)
moment, and the lady is not recieving calls. If you would like to call
recieving --> receiving
"No," Seiji replied honestly, looking left and right suspiciously
before covering the reciever
reciever --> receiver
Don't forget Grammar Rule #63.
He knew he was supposed to be alone in the house, but with his family
there was no way to be sure. It wasn't that his mother and grandfather
didn't know he was a Samurai Trooper - it was more that they might insist
Suggest: Trooper; it was more
"So he never told you either, huh? Well, apparently he had one,
and the guy was less dead than Shin thought. He showed up in Yokohama and
tried to attack us, or something. I missed that part because I was buying
some takoyaki. They got the best takoyaki here, Seiji, I'm telling you..."
"Could you get back to the evil twin, please?"
Heh.
"Okay." Ryo took a deep breath. "World. Danger. Big time. You.
Come. Bring sword. That simple enough for you?"
Hehehe.
Sitting quietly between Usagi and Shuu sat Rei Hino, a young
Shinto priestess who would be very attractive if she didn't always look
like she had just bitten into a lemon.
On the contrary, that makes her all the more attractive.
Ryo wasn't sure how she had managed
to get a whole plate to herself sitting between those two voracious
appetites with arms,
Heh. This is great; a fic with a sense of humor that _doesn't_ get in the way
of the narrative like an inapt standup comedian.
Ryo had yet to make sense out of Ami. She seemed nice enough, but
every time he tried to talk to her she got all embarassed and started
acting like her shoes were the greatest thing in the world. Maybe she was
just a little shy about the whole 'Sailor Mercury' thing? He guessed he
would be a bit embarassed
(All instances of) embarassed --> embarrassed
"So is that everybody on your team?" Rei asked, batting aside
Shuu's hands and sneaking herself some fried rice before it all vanished.
"We tried to get ahold
ahold --> a hold
He had not come dressed for a hell dimension: he was
wearing nothing but blue jeans and sneakers along with a loose pale green
overshirt
Suggest: over-shirt
Regret loomed in the distance, a stone forest of gleaming spires and
forboding gates that
forboding --> foreboding
sky, no existence to hold it up. Its ropes moored in aether,the
aether, the
Had they been previous inmates
of the castle, trapped within the box even after death? Had whatever foul
sorceror
sorceror --> sorcerer
The only response from the world around him was a slight shift in
the howling of the wind, but Touma had not really been expecting an answer
to his challenge. The important thing was that he not give in to the
Suggest: The important thing was that he did not give in to the
Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
The ropes sawed at his hands, and the blood flowed freely from
his injured shoulder as he dragged himself towards the rocky cliff that
was almost in reach. He was so close to the end, and he was not quite at
the beginning.
Of course he's not quite at the beginning. You just said he was so close to the
end. As opposed to...?
After what seemed like forever, Touma felt cold stone scrape
against his shoulders and opened his eyes. He had made it. He was on the
other side of the gorge. Hanging his head back, the blue-haired teen let
out a lon0g
The prose sympathized with Touma's relief so much that it wasn't paying
attention to its spelling.
lon0g --> long
A squat, toad-like demon almost twice his size stared into his
face from a few inches away, and Touma's heart sank.
Touma: (thinking) So I'm fighting Wart from Super Mario Bros. 2? I guess it's
okay. Just remember to _feed_ the thing vegetables just before it spews out its
deadly, er, bubbles.
It smiled, its thick
rubbery lips pulling back to reveal row upon row of gleaming steel needles
for teeth, and a thick gobbet of drool dribbled from the corner of its
jaws. It gripped a long staff with its pudgy, three-fingered paws, the
massive cleaver-like blade glinting coldly in the early morning light.
Touma: Whoops. It's not Wart. It's that turtle-with-the-cleaver monster in the
Final Fantasy series. Tonberry-something-or-the-other, I think. God, I hate
that guy.
"Listen up, Princess Toadstool," Touma said, his expression blank.
"I am having a very bad day, over here.
Suggest: getting rid of the comma after 'day'.
at the stone. Landing on all fours, he forced himself to ignore his sore
shoulder as he cartwheeled
Suggest: cart-wheeled
"I'm looking for a girl," Touma said,
Monster: Aren't we all looking for someone?
Sounding familiar?
(shrugs) Unless you pull the 'Common Commonwealth saying' card, I merely
suggest: Sounds familiar?
Something in his ankle
chose exactly that moment to snap, and the boy collapsed to the ground
with a yelp of pain as the monster's bloated carcass slammed down on top
of him.
Carcass? So the monster died before it even got near him? Good grief, that must
have been a strenuous, heart attack-inducing run!
Touma's knee buckled, and both opponents found themselves tumbling
backwards over the edge of the cliff. For a moment, in mid-air, they
seperated
mid-air --> midair (d-v-w); seperated --> separated (typo)
The boy's fingers brushed against a root jutting from the side
of the canyon wall, and he grabbed onto it with nearly superhuman
determinaton.
determinaton --> determination
Megatron: Determinatons! TRANSFORM!
He was not going to come this far and lose now! If he had
Suggest: He had not come this far to lose now!
Touma scowled at the ideas worming their way into his head again
and slowly began to pry his captured foot out of its sneaker. The shoe
came off with a barely audible pop,
Not so sure, but I still suggest: barely-audible (compound descriptors must be
hyphenated, though I'm not so sure about hyphenating an adverb and an adjective
together...)
the breeze. A conical hat made of woven straw was pulled down low on his
Revise: straw was (extra space in between the two words)
bowed head, and only the tip of his pointed chin was visible beneath its
wide brim. Thick, luxurious hair the colour of fresh blood swayed behind
Suggest: luxurious hair with the colour (missing word: with)
What is it now? Didn't think I looked miserable enough, yet?"
Suggest: enough yet? (comma muyo)
"Oh, so it's Mako-chan, is it?" Shutendoji raised an eyebrow. "I
was not aware that you two were so close. Tell me one thing, warrior of
Intellect:
Suggest: Warrior of Intellect
if you are so intelligent, why did you not simply turn the
box upon your opponent when he had placed it in your hands? He would have
been banished, the girl freed, and the problem over. If you are so certain
of your infallibility, perhaps you can explain that."
Touma opened his mouth to say something, then paused. After a
moment he closed his mouth, lowered his finger and slapped himself on the
forehead with his good hand.
Wow. There you go. The other shoe dropped.
sight of what he was doing. It was bad enough that this place was trying
to dredge up every self-doubt he had ever had about himself, now he was
reacting by being so bull-headed
bullheaded (d-v-w)
better than to turn down his help. Maybe if the guy weren't so busy being
right about everything it would make him easier to bear, but still....
"To charge ahead without acknowledging mistakes is rash. To dwell
on them when nothing can be done is madness.
Touma: Then what the hell did you tell me my mistakes for in the first place?!
one chance at escape, Touma Hashiba: you must let neither pride nor pity
prevent you from seeing it. You are here, now.
Suggest: You are here now.
"The future is unavoidable, and the past... cannot be changed. Regret is
the constant companion of all men, Touma.
The Shutendoji in your fic reminds me of...
The Sphinx (Mystery Men): We are number one. All others are number two or
lower.
...his whiny nature in the last chapter and his acerbic nature in this chapter
aside.
There are always things we wish
that we had done, or not done, or that we had not needed to do when the
time was upon us. But to focus on these things leads only to hesitation,
and a samurai must never hesitate to act when he is needed.
Mister Furious (Mystery Men): Okay, am I the only one who finds these sayings
just a little bit formulaic? "If you want to push something down, you have to
pull it up. If you want to go left, you have to go right." It's...
The Sphinx: Your temper is very quick, my friend. But until you learn to master
your rage...
Mr. Furious: ...Your rage will become your master? That's what you were going
to say. Right? Right?
The Sphinx: Not necessarily.
"The voice," he said shakily. "The voice in my head... it's gone."
Suggest: head; it's gone."
Or: head... is gone."
"Well done," the monk assured him with a clap on the back.
Shouldn't 'clap' be 'pat'? Unless he was clapping behind Touma's back, but that
doesn't even make any sense...
Word had spread quickly, after Fei Lian had sealed Jupiter away
within the Castle of Eternal Regret. Xiang Yao had dreamed of freedom for
a very long time: the fulfilment
fulfilment --> fulfillment
of her hopes had gushed through the
realm of Elysion like a tide of raw sewage.
Ew. Talk about your mixed metaphors!
Her perverse glee had carried
an image of the two who would be taking her place in that dread prison:
Xiang Yao: (has a perverse mental image of the two) Hubba hubba! Ride 'em,
cowboy! Brokeback Mountain indeed!
hatred for all living things. That in itself was a disturbing thought, but
the fact that one of those captives was a friend of his beloved Chibi-Usa
was more than enough to move Elios into action.
Wow. Sashiburi! Genki desu ne, Elios-san?
Entering the facility had been easy. Elios was a denizen of the
land of dreams - he had simply hidden himself inside the head of one of
Suggest: dreams; he had
to himself in satisfaction and glided onwards. Fortunately all of the
Suggest: Fortunately, all of the
opposition he had encountered thus far were weak minded and easily led
Suggest: weak-minded (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
She had said that they were best friends. If he let one of the
She says that to most everyone she meets! She's worse than her mother!
Hotaru: D-Demo...!
If Fei Lian was too powerful for him, Radanthus was not even worth
imagining about confronting. Only somebody like Prince Endymion could hope
to hope to have a chance against Radanthus.
Er, 'could hope to hope to have' sounds redundant. Suggest: could hope to stand
a chance against Radanthus.
Elios wished that he could dare contact his liege. No matter how
dreadful this vile place might be, he would feel stronger if he were by
Prince Endymion's side.
ECW audience (chanting): WUUUSSY... WUUUSSY... WUUUSSY....
A spear pricked against the base of his skull, and Elios froze.
Tsk. Darn kid and his digressions got him caught.
With a sick ratcheting noise, two massive curved blades spang shut on
spang --> sprang
...But I still don't think 'sprang' is an apt verb to coincide with 'shut'.
'Sprang' has connotations of something that leaps out or pulled out, while
'shut' connotes to something that's retracted or pulled back; hence the
paradoxical conundrum. I understand what you're trying to convey, but still. I
merely suggest: sprang shut --> clamped shut/sprang open then clamped shut
either side of his neck, clasping around his throat like a crab's
pincers. The fair-haired priest of Elysion choked as his captor tightened
the mancatcher's
Suggest: men-catcher's
"Well, well - if it isn't My Little Pony."
I get the feeling that this chapter has a little bit of VH1's "I love 80's Pop
Culture" going on, what with all the old cartoon and video game references.
from head to toe in a suit of crimson and ebony armour. The chitinous
Hmmm. And what does 'chitinous' mean, dear author?
perfectly normal human staring back at him. That was when he noticed the
eyes. They were the dead, unfeeling eyes of a oncoming shark.
Like a doll's eyes, they were?
Oh yeah, revise: eyes of a oncoming --> eyes of an oncoming
huh? Me, not dreaming. Must have made it easier to sneak up on you. The
name's Nise Suiko, by the way. Just in case you wanted to know who's
putting you in the cage."
Nise Suiko's becoming the resident badass of the whole regiment.
His golden horn flared with
power, flooding the cavern with blinding light. Nise Suiko cursed and
recoiled, his grip on the mancatcher
Suggest: men-catcher
loosening. Elios' tunic ripped and
tore as his wings unfurled from his back and, with a single mighty thrust,
rocketed him down the corridor. Skimming along the far wall, Elios pried
at the blades around his throat with his fingers as the polearm
Suggest: pole-arm
He flapped his wings furiously, trailing ivory feathers as he
soared around the corner and upset a trio of Radanthus' guards. The youma
howled and slashed widly
widly --> wildly
Wait a minute! Elios spread his wings wide, catching the air on
his pinions and halting his flight in mid-air.
midair (d-v-w)
Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!).
What was he thinking? He
couldn't just run away like this! He had made up his mind that he was
going to do this for Chibi-Usa: what did it say about him if he just
gave up the second he was in danger?
Mariko (Ranma 1/2): Gimme a 'W'! Gimme a 'U'! Gimme two 'S'es and a 'Y'! What
does it spell?
had ever faced him. Was this the kind of friend he wanted to be for his
princess? The kind who was always in need of rescue?
Wu Fei (Gundam Wing): Yeah. If only you were a girl... (I can almost feel the
cries of "Misogyny!" from the oncoming flames)
This sudden surge of pride and stupidity smells of an oncoming plot point.
The guards were barely even a challenge. Still shocked by his
intitial
intitial --> initial
appearance, they were not expecting his sudden return. Holding
the polearm
Suggest: pole-arm
in front of him so that it stretched the length of the
corridor, he had soared into them and knocked all three sprawling. Elios
snagged the first one to rise in the jaws of the mancatcher and hurled
him clumsily into the other two as they struggled to their feet. Their
retalition passed harmlessly through the feathers of his wings and he
hastily crowned all three with the mancatcher's closed pincers. A quick
retalition --> retaliation; mencatcher/'s --> men-catcher/'s
spell was enough to insure that all three would be remaining asleep for
Suggest: spell was enough to insure that all three would remain asleep for
enemy had not been expecting him to stay around and fight. The youma
had probably thought he was just a normal boy, too scared to hold his
ground against someone nearly half again his size.
Er, are you sure that the word 'again' belongs in that sentence? What do you
mean when you say, "someone nearly half again his size'?
Well, he would have to
show Nise Suiko that even the lowest of Endymion's servants was willing to
give their all against the forces of evil. With a shout, Elios charged
forward and swung the polearm
Suggest: pole-arm
"Nice trick with the wings, Pony-boy: Badamon told me you needed
to be fully transformed to use those." Nise Suiko stepped off of one of
the fallen guards, using the groaning youma as a springboard to launch
himself at Elios and swipe at the boy's face with his claws.
Ranma: Feh. Using people as springboards? You may have done it well enough, but
I did it _first_.
"I warned you once," Elios reminded his opponent. "I will not be
held captive again!" He barrelled towards Nise Suiko, a nimbus of
Um, you sure use 'barrelled' a lot. As if it's the word for the day. It's a
nice word, but there are other words you could use. Words like, 'charged
forward', 'hurtled', 'rushed', 'stampeded'... 'swooped down', in particular, is
quite apt to the winged little pony, er, boy when he's in flight.
coruscating energy swirling around his form. His footsteps seemed to echo,
as though they had somehow doubled. Halfway down the corridor, his run
became a gallop.
"Uh-oh," Nise Suiko said, and fourteen hundred pounds of angry
winged horse slammed into him horn-first.
Wow. Nice one. Very good, that idea from Elios.
Gripping the golden horn firmly
in both hands, Nise Suiko was pulled off of his feet by the power of the
Pegasus' charge. The youma clung frantically to his precarious position
as the horse swung its head from side to side, slamming him against the
walls and ceiling as it barrelled down the hallway.
Suggest: barrelled --> charged/hurtled/stampeded/dashed/etc.
Grammar Rule #40: Proofread carefully to make sure you don't repeat repeat any
words.
"Snap out of it, you little snot! You can't kill me, you can't
put me to sleep, and you haven't got a chance in hell of beating me. You
got in a couple of lucky shots, and that's IT. If you had a brain in your
head, you'd call it a day and get out of here while I'm still feeling
generous. Keep this crap up, and somebody's going to mistake you for an
actual hero and turn you into pulp. Probably me. Get it?"
Hmmm. I like this mini-plot point. I like it a lot. It fleshes out quite a bit
of both Nise Suiko's and Elios's respective character quirks.
defeat Fei Lian after he made it past the armoured youma. He wished that
Chibi-Usa were here, or Prince Endymion. He could use their wisdom and
experience.
...All together now, ECW faithful!
ECW: ELIOS SWALLOWS! (claps five times) ELIOS SWALLOWS! (claps fives times,
rinse, repeat)
Er, that wasn't the chant that I meant... ^^; Oh well.
minutes' work with his knife and they'd be in no condition to argue. After
all, if a cabal of subversive traitors wanted to resist capture he could
Suggest: capture, he could
Besides, who cared if the kid got away? Nise Suiko was pretty sure
he had managed to make it clear what was going to happen if he ever ran
into Elios again. No way the kid could be stupid enough to try coming
Suggest: No way could the kid (rearrange order of words so that the prose could
flow smoother)
"And so he is," Shutendoji agreed, bracing himself with his
shakujo staff and stretching out an arm to help the blue-haired teen
over a particularly difficult crevice. "I would dare say that Fei Lian
Suggest: dare say --> daresay
brow momentarily, then faded as he shook his head and grinned lopsidedly
at the monk. "Sorry, man: it's just not ringing any bells."
Suggest: Sorry, man; it's
"Good," his comrade said bluntly. "If you are wise, you will keep
it that way. The past has a bad habit of trying to force its way into the
present, Touma Hashiba. Focus instead on what is occuring now."
occuring --> occurring
"I think I vaguely recall feeling that," the monk admitted after
a brief pause, "but only once. And it was a very long time ago."
Huh. Your Full Metal ANGST! in last chapter leads me to believe otherwise.
Setsuna: Yep. He's a whiner.
"I pray," he said, "that all beings everywhere hear the sound of
the Shakujo: that the lazy become energetic, that precept breakers become
Suggest: precept-breakers
"Her name was Setsuna," Toshitada said abruptly. "She came to me
in a time of need. I was confused, conflicted, new to my powers and my
responisbility.
responisbility --> responsibility.
Since when did the former Masho open up to any of them? They had always
gotten the impression that he kind of resented having to show up and help
them at all. So Toshitada Koma had a sad story to tell? He never would
have guessed.
Shutendoji: It's all the author's fault. Why can't he leave my flat
characterization alone and let me remain 'mysterious'?
"Deep," Touma said. "So, when you say 'comfort'... do you mean-?"
"I think we have shared enough for one day," Toshitada answered,
and continued walking.
Heh.
that she and her sisters had begun shortly after arriving in Tokyo. As
far as any of the other shopkeepers who worked in the area knew, she was
just one more entrepeneur
entrepeneur --> entrepreneur
Suggest: one more --> another
quite as active in the community as her younger sisters Carole and
Berenice, but as the oldest it was only right that she accept the burden
of responisibilty.
responisibilty --> responsibility
Gracefully, Perrine reached under the counter and pulled out a
baseball bat. Resting it on her shoulder, she stopped to look in the
mirror and carefully tucked a few strands of emerald hair back into
place. She adjusted the collar on her navy jacket and smooted
smooted --> smoothed
She strode confidentally
confidentally --> confidently
confidently + confidentially <> confidentally
What does that even mean? An adverb describing confidence-inducing dentures?
?_?
"Sailor Moon?" Perrine reluctantly lowered the bat. "You know
Sailor Moon?"
"Yes," Elios replied softly.
Perrine: (wallops Elios) DIE!
Elios: Wait! I'm a friend of Sailor Moon!
Perrine: Exactly! SO DIE ALREADY! (goes Wicked Witch of the West on Elios)
"And I know you too, Petz.
(giggles, remembers 'Petz' from Megane's MSTing of "The Io Saga")
Crow (Elios): As such, I need your help. Could you shed a little and pee on my
shoe?
Tom (Petz): Way ahead of you, boss.
"Yeah, well, that was a long time ago. I run a beauty salon, now.
I don't think you need the comma after 'salon', correct me if I'm wrong.
"The Sailor Senshi are in danger, Petz.
(applauds) Yes. Finally. _Someone_ who knows the unsaid 'Japanese words should
not be pluralized American-style because they're Japanese words' rule!
"You've come to the wrong place," Petz said firmly. "My name is
Perrine Etrange, now, and I am a perfectly normal young woman.
I also don't think you need the comma after 'Etrange'.
The most
I could do to help the Senshi is give them half-off on a facial, and
that's cutting my own throat. I've never heard of this Radanthus fool, but
if he wants to fight the Sailor Senshi he's an idiot.
Suggest: Senshi, he's an idiot.
"But I have responsibilities! I have bills to pay, and books to
balance, and... and...." Petz scowled and picked up the accounts in front
of her. With a shrug, she hurled them across the room. "You know what?
Screw it. You wait here, and I'll go get my costume."
Heh. Atta-girl.
metropolitan area. Luckily for Petz she had thought to bring some business
Suggest: Luckily for Petz,
"It certainly is nice to be back in Tokyo again," the only other
male in the group said with a debonair smile. "Don't you think so, Ann?"
HA! Of course. 'Bout time those filler episode characters served a higher
purpose than being footnote mentions on the characters page of a long-forgotten
Geocities Sailor Moon fan site.
"May we assist you?" the elecronic
elecronic --> electronic
The gates shuddered, and began to open, and Petz smiled despite
herself. Whatever else she might think of this Elios fellow, he definitely
had something in mind. She had a suspicious feeling that whoever they
were up against, she was going to be very happy that she was on this team
and not theirs.
As J.R. would say, "Business has just picked up."
To think, your fic was already doing quite well without so many characters...
Then again, you do have a penchant in making optimum use of your fic's
resources. If more characters would lead to a better story, then I'll keep my
eyes peeled. If you can do a fraction of what Takahashi-san or even
Ammadeau-san (of Kumiko the Demon-girl fame) can do with a myriad of
characters, then the possibilities for these individuals are endless.
glasses, except for the glowing rune that completely obscured the right
lens. The boy had simply snapped his fingers and they had popped into
existence in mid-air.
midair (d-v-w)
"I pulled the image from the both of your minds. It holds great
signifigance
signifigance --> significance
He seems earnest enough, and his story
does help explain a few things that I had been wondering about. Like
why I'm the headmaster of a crater, for one thing. That always seemed odd,
because I don't remember BUYING a crater..."
LOL. Long live Mugen Academy.
The baby he was holding gurgled, and Professor Tomoe bounced her
gently on his knee as he smiled over at his red-headed scretary.
scretary --> secretary
"I still don't like it," Kaori argued, folding her arms over her
chest and glaring down at the grinning Elios and his strange looking
strange-looking (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
And if they
have done anything to help my little Hotaru, then I would be more than
happy to assist them in any way I can. I'm not sure exactly what good a
geneticist will be to your cause, but..."
A good geneticist can help in a lot of ways, but most of his help may
unfortunately come from him sinning against nature, though.
"Hmmm... I must admit, I hadn't considered that." Tomoe looked
concerned for a moment, then nodded. "All right, Kaori, if the little
horned child and his strangely dressed friends
strangely-dressed (not so sure with this instance, but AFAIK the "compound
descriptors should be hyphenated" rule is applicable here, correct me if I'm
wrong)
to the Professor while they were storming the castle. Chibi-Usa had told
him all about Hotaru's father and his nutty secretary. In fact, it had
been Chibi-Usa who had told him about Petz and her sisters, as well, and
Suggest: get rid of the comma after 'sisters'.
He just hoped that his enemies hadn't come up with the same plan.
See: Jadeite.
Irduk knelt reverently nearby, his qrotesque
qrotesque --> grotesque (the word's first letter should have been a 'g' (G)
instead of a 'q' (Q))
With a name like 'Irduk' (which looks like a name that came out of a random
epileptic fit on the keyboard... like, say, 'Kurapikt'...), he might as well
been called 'cannon fodder'.
helmet with its
fanged visor doffed in respect to the presence of his commander.
(blinks) Fanged visor? So his commander is Cobra Commander?
The spells were almost childishly simple for him to undo, now that
Beryl: (raises an eyebrow)
the shifting colours of the rainbow and plunged into Irduk's chest. The
youma stiffened, coruscating black energy swirling in and out of his
body like a snake chasing through the warrens of a timid little mouse.
Just another victim.
the entire thing exploded. Badamon howled and ducked behind his tattered
cloak as shards of rock and crystal showered the cavern and a fierce
wind screamed the mournful wail of a crazed banshee.
There sure are a lot of mournful wails in this fic.
confusion. Reaching up with one spotless white glove, he absent-mindedly
absentmindedly (d-v-w, no need for the hyphen)
brushed some small splinters of rock out of his golden hair. He was
tall and slim, dressed in a uniform the colour of wet shale with blood
Suggest (though I'm not so sure): uniform with the
"You BITCH!"
Jadeite (while having a bitch-fit, complete with actions): Oh no you DI-IN'T!
Jadeite glared at him, and Badamon slapped his own hands over his
mouth. Somehow, he suspected that he had just managed to find the exact
wrong words to say and fit them all into a single sentence.
A wonderful feat usually reserved to Ranma.
"I'm sorry," Jadeite said, with a quiet chuckle. "I've clearly
Suggest: Jadeite said with a
been trapped in eternal slumber for a little too long, and it must be
affecting my hearing. For a second there, it sounded like you said that
Saior Moon and her little friends had actually managed to beat us."
Badamon: No, no... I said 'Sailor Moon and her little friends'. I know no
'Saior Moon', though he or she sounds reasonably powerful, with such an exotic
name and all, oh androgynous one...
Saior --> Sailor
"Lord Radanthus is of a similar opinion, Lord Jadeite," Badamon
managed to squeak, as Jadeite's grip on his neck steadily tightened.
Suggest: squeak as (comma muyo)
Jadite
Jadeite (be careful with the Japanese name misspellings, 'coz the English
spellchecker will mark them as misspelled whether or not they're spelled
correctly, so there's a risk of you skipping them without a second glance)
missed them? Regardless of how his meeting with this Radanthus fool turned
out, Jadeite already knew exactly what he was going to do. He wouldn't
rush, oh no:
(palms face with free hand) Jeez, he _never_ really changed after all that time
in suspended animation, yes?
He had no intention of just killing the Sailor Senshi. That would
only leave him unfulfilled and depressed. No, he was going to do something
far better.
He was going to HURT them.
Iiiiiinteresting. ^_^
**********
To Be Continued...
What we have now is a replay of chapter two's grammar woes, so as such I find
it prudent (though my judgment may be suspect) to copy-paste most of my grammar
corrections in chapter two (with a few additions).
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes. (Something that need
not be stated, but since everyone's ignoring this very basic rule, what the
hell. Spell-check, then spell-check your spell-check. If this fic was merely
sent to the list hastily, then proofread it. Please, don't make the FFML into
your personal spellchecker. Get prereaders/proofreaders if you haven't. I think
the main problem with this fic is that you sent this off without so much as a
reread as if it's a first or second draft; even though that may not be the
case, that was the impression I got from reading the fic. It's also of note
that I MAY HAVE MISSED ONE OR FIFTY SPELLING MISTAKES in my confusion as to
whether or not your word has a crazy misspelling or a crazy Commonwealth
spelling--though I did skip the obvious ones like 'armour', 'barrelled', and
the like--so please _do_ proofread this fic of yours carefully BY YOURSELF;
that's because I firmly believe that the author himself should be his own
harshest critic.)
Grammar Rule #13: Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous and can be excessive. (Heh. Maybe I should take my own
advice, but then again what I'm doing here is C&C and not fanfic. Well, authors
can get real touchy about the subject of redundancy. Some authors debate that
redundancy and repeated words can be a good thing, since substituting them with
more esoteric terms can make the story redundant in a whole different way.
Still, there are other authors who'd rather avoid reusing the same word in the
same sentence/paragraph as much as possible. It's your call.)
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words however should be enclosed in commas.
Grammar Rule #24: Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. (Speaking of
proofreading, do just that. Proofread, I mean. It takes care of those
avoidable, brain fart mistakes like 'confidentally', 'responisbility', 'ahold',
'elecronic', 'lon0g', and 'fulfilment' more than a mere spell-check ever can.
Though you probably already know this, it needs to be said: read your dialogue
out loud. This is the best indication you'll ever have of if it sounds right,
makes sense, and flows properly. If it feels weird to say it, chances are that
it'll feel very weird to read it. Also, let it percolate. If you have time, let
it sit for a few weeks, then read it over. Without what you think you wrote in
fresh in your mind, you'll have a much better chance of catching strange
misspellings, redundancy, out of place commas, and other problems. If you've
just written the story, it's very difficult to edit it yourself because you
know exactly what it should say; so you read what you think you wrote, rather
than what you actually wrote.)
Grammar Rule #40: Proofread carefully to make sure you don't repeat repeat any
words.
Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!).
Grammar Rule #63: I before E except after C or sounding like 'a' as in
'neighbor' and 'weigh'. Unless it's weird.
>From five broken grammar rules, now there are eight. (sigh) Nevertheless...
I have virtually no problems with the plot. You're setting up quite a lot in
this chapter alone. I was merely expecting a resolution to the 'Kohai, Sempai,
and the Castle of Eternal Regret' arc. I certainly didn't expect... this.
Admittedly, I was particularly (and pleasantly) surprised by the inclusion of
many familiar faces from the Sailor Moon anime. They're a veritable army of
supporting characters, they are. Furthermore, they present a lot of potential
in making this story quite, well, exquisitely fleshed-out and fairly epic.
True, I have my concerns, what with so many characters diluting the purity of
the story to the point of having Soap Opera-like contrivances and potential
plot holes running about.
I mean, shouldn't the story have one _main_ focus before it becomes a deluge of
mini-plots concerning the supporting characters until the main cast is
virtually forgotten (I'm looking at _you_, Family Matters and Exploitation
Now)? Then again, I have faith in your abilities to flesh out all the details,
resolve what needs to be resolve, and leave ambiguous what needs to be left
vague. In any case, I loved the way you've mixed the YST mythos with the SM
(anime) mythos; especially the YST mythos, which actually has me raring to get
at least a DVD of the (virtually unknown in this side of the world) series. To
be able to make such unknown characters so appealing and interesting is a feat
reserved for _real_ writers. As such, everything's good, the multiple plot
points sprouting left and right have lots of potential, and I'll be reserving
my judgment as to whether you'll crash and burn or triumphantly soar with this
potentially monstrous fic. So, yeah. Keep on writing.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Crow (from the Megane 6.7 MSTing of "The Io Saga"): The moral? Always keep your
petz on a short leash.
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