Didn't have time for a full C&C.  Pretty much started with the one bit 
that jumped out at me, then went from there. 

StudioPC wrote:

* * * *

Tegan Javonka 

Spelling error.  "Jovanka". 

watched Herbert leave Companion House and sighed. She  
knew all to well his frustration. She'd known it many times for  
herself. But there was no garuntee she was right, about Janet  
  

"guarantee".  Also, that comma after "right" isn't needed.

She ignored them, sifting through the box's contents until she found  
a small disc of alien metal and inscribed with a peculiar symbol. It  
  

The "and" isn't needed there.

But then one morning, she'd woken up and discovered that she did  
know, which meant Rassilon was dead, which implied some very bad  
things. Still, if Janet Granger was what Tegan thought, this would be  
proof that she was no mere "stupid ape", and perhaps with her help,  
Tegan could get Sarah Jane to stop pining (and she was pining,  
regardless of what she said otherwise) and start living.

  

heeheehee... been watching "School Reunion", I see.  Though it does 
leave a question.  Has that particular episode happened yet?  Or, more 
to the point, is it happening?

The wand that lay within was just long enough as to not be called  
stubby. Tegan had never been a very powerful witch, and had it not  
been for the fact that her marks in Herbology, Astronomy, Care of  
Magical Creatures, and that she was a deft hand at Potions had raised  
her scores to passing, she likely would have washed out.

  

That's... disturbing.

So it was that she'd been wandless when her car had gotten a flat,  
she'd entered a blue police call box to call for help, and found the  
adventure of a lifetime.

  

Actually, it was her aunt's car.  Though it's possible she inherited it 
after her aunt's death...

She took delivery of  
the Daily Prophet, if only because she enjoyed the Potions articles,  
but she'd recognized Hermione's name in Rita Skeeter's articles two  
years ago during the Triwizard Tournament and made the connection,  
and though today had been the first time that she'd said anything to  
Herbert, she knew that it might have been a mistake.

  

Whoa.  Might want to cut that sentence into two or three.

circuit was at half efficiency, and the while main power was fine,  

  

Might want to get rid of that "the" in there...

It took her a week to make a complete survey and she found a few  
surprises. Such as the Spare Chameleon Circuit in a minor storage  
  

The "spare" in there doesn't need to be capitalized.

"I promised, I promised!" he shouted. "You've held me at bay with  
that stupid bloody promise for over twenty years! You never let me  
in, you never tell me anything, you have all these bloody secrets and  
I'm sick and tired of it! The truth, Janet, I want the truth and I  
want it now or I swear to God, I am taking Hermione and we are leaving!"

  

A suggestion.  Put Hermione into the argument here in another way.  He 
made the promise before Hermione was born - and Hermione is now clearly 
affected by those promises.  No daddy worth his salt is going to have 
his daughter seriously affected by mommy's dirty little secrets and not 
demand some answers.

He might as well have killed a puppy from the expression on her face  
  

God, I love this line.

After several minutes, Janet broke away and stared him and then  
  

That should probably be "stared at him"...

Anyway, I'm still enjoying this.  Not sure about Tegan-as-witch, but oh 
well.  Didn't have so much of a problem with the terms and the lack of 
explanation here and there, as I have seen some of the new series.  Some 
changes to part 1 may help with that, to be honest, to better illustrate 
just how genocidal the war was.  The fact that you put, "We won" in 
there in regards to the Time War doesn't help.  The Doctor was far less 
optimistic, and said outright that they'd lost.  Perhaps a better way 
for Janet to describe it is, "There was a war.  A terrible war... We 
lost.  We died, they died, and I... you and I, now...  are all that's 
left."  "We won", as stated, even with the next, rather soft line for 
the aftermath, implies survivors. 

Anyway, just some thoughts.  Hope to see the next chapter soon.

-- Nick


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