You already know it's delayed, so I won't push the issue any further. It ain't
a running gag after all, unlike what's below this sentence...
Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to misquote
facts and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at
one point can easily be retracted on the next, depending on how the story
progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I
see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your
fic? You have the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you
can use and ignore the rest. ^_^
It also occurs to me that my lexicon may not be at par with yours, so any
unfamiliar word I ask about isn't necessarily a correction but just general
ignorance on my part (as pointed out by a certain Thomas Michael Edwards). As
such, it'd be appreciated if you'd have the patience to clear up some of my
questions on those particular instances. Thanks.
And, without further adieu, my next victim is... ^_^
On 1/30/06, Morgan Hudson <dataraven_659@hotmail.com> wrote:
Barring a delicious, delicious cookie, I also accept C&C. I mean, if I am
sitting here in my Inbox, and someone is all, like, "want some C&C?", I'm,
like, "Heck YEAH, I want some C&C! That stuff's AWESOME!" And then I read
it, and I am happy. It's really a beautiful and delicate part of the cycle
of life.
I know, you're thinking "But how could I participate in this glorious
rejoicing at the beauty of existence?" Well, that's the easy part! All you
need to do is click that little "Reply" button and drop me a line! Why, I
wouldn't be surprised if I even wrote you back - I'm cool like that. ^_^
Heh. You have a gift for asking for C&C. Indeed. For this part alone, even if
there's no story attached to this mail, you deserve feedback. ;)
Anyway, on to the fic! I hope you enjoy!
-Morgan
I hope so too, but I shouldn't sweat it. You have yet to disappoint. Oh yeah,
it's 'on with the fic', since that's what you said in the opening parts of
chapter 5.
REVAMPED LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Whatever else may have changed in this story
of mine, trust me - the Sailor Senshi still belong to Kodansha and
Cloverway, and the Samurai Troopers are the legal property of Sunrise and
Bandai Entertainment. So are all of their related friends and associates.
Takeuchi and Yatate: (pouts)
"Thanks for waiting, Mako-chan!" Usagi said, her blue eyes shining
with excitement. "Sorry it took so long, but Naru's a real pain when it
comes to being classroom monitor. I had to re-do
redo (dictionary-verifiable word/d-v-w, no need for the hyphen)
"That's only because you kept trying to rush," Ami argued
sensibly, before turning to Makoto and nodding her head slightly. "It was
very kind to wait for us, Makoto.
Suggest: very kind of you to wait for us, (add 'of you' after 'very kind' and
before 'to wait')
"Usagi, you can't chew gum and walk at the same time," Ami gently
reminded her. "Remember?"
"I've been working on it!"
Heh. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were bashing Usagi here. ^_~
Makoto laughed and shook her head, and bid her farewells to her
friends, and walked off with a spring in her step to determine the rest
of her life.
Suggest: getting rid of 'and' after 'shook her head,'
Since going to Osaka, he just feared that some of
his students were going over the rulebook of reality specifically to find
loopholes.
Sounds profound. His students should be studying philosophy. Or yoga.
And they were smart enough to get away with it, which really
bothered him. There was a tiny device on the dashboard of his car that
had been a going-away present from his star pupil: he had recieved it
recieved --> received
Grammar Rule #63: I before E except after C or sounding like 'a' as in
'neighbor' and 'weigh'. Unless it's weird.
right before his transfer to Juuban Secondary, in Tokyo. It didn't do
anything, unless you counted bobbing up and down as doing something. The
trick was, it never stopped. For months, he had been waiting for it to
wind down, or run out of power, or something. It just kept going, and he
couldn't tell how.
Mishawa: Perpetual motion machine? Masaka.
The fact
that he had to crane his neck up to look her in the eye helped, too. Tall
girls were not a problem for Sanjiro, as long as their hair was the right
colour. People could not help being different, after all.
That sounds halfway hypocritical. Anyway, I must applaud you for your subtle
'show, not tell' introduction of Touma by having him compared to Ami through
this teacher's eyes. The fact that it also sets up the plot point of having him
stay over Makoto's is indeed, well, noteworthy. Kudos.
very noncommital
noncommital --> noncommittal
enjoyed sharing lunch with her. Maybe it was that Miss Sakamura was just
so attractive, or that there was something in Makoto Kino's eyes that
told him all she needed was a chance.
Definitely the former, otherwise this whole sequence wouldn't have happened in
the first place.
Makoto sighed, her shoulders slumping as though her bookbag had
Suggest: book-bag/bag of books
Makoto stood on the platform, waving cheerily as the lumbering
train chugged its way down the line towards Shibuya. Ami and Usagi had
been pretty upset when she told them she couldn't come along on the trip
to Yokohama, but it might actually be better to spend some time with just
them and Rei for once.
Ah. I see. Now everything's coming together; this scene was actually the
backtracking of events before the two earlier chapters. The non-linear approach
in sequencing events is certainly a good way to keep the prose from becoming
too monotonous. (takes notes)
Casually pulling it out of hiding, the
leggy brunette held the sign over her head and waited for someone to
respond to it.
Sign: "I have lots of 'talent', if you know what I mean... ;)"
Maybe that Shuu Rei
Fuan guy who had been running the sale had been right when he called
Touma 'the hottest thing in the field of smart guys who help you with
stuff'.
(facefault) Ah sou.
"Hi!" she said cheerily,
(shrugs) I merely suggest: said --> greeted
Makoto bit her lip and blushed slightly. "Uh, yeah, about that...
there may be a few things I didn't get around to explaining to you before
you got here..."
Suggest: there --> There (the word is the start of an independent clause; if
you want it to be part of the earlier clause, then punctuate it properly)
heard very often, indeed; usually after their latest hobby had wiped out
the local power grid again. Somewhere back in Osaka his father was still
Suggest: Osaka, his father was still
working to perfect atomic powered muffins.
Suggest: atomic-powered muffins (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
things that the reknowned
reknowned --> renowned
income came from places that were pre-emptively
pre-emptively --> preemptively (d-v-w, and it's not really even a compound
descriptor since there's no such standalone word as 'emptively')
paying Touma's father
NOT to build things.
Heh. What a nice scam they had going, albeit unintentional. And good thing
you're not following the fanon precedent of portraying Genichirou Hashiba as an
abusive alcoholic. Also of note is the lack of an 'English substitute for an
Osakan accent' (probably a Brooklyn accent, since that's the accent present in
the dubs) that leaves most fics portraying characters with Osakan accents as
unreadable. For that I am eternally grateful.
Maybe she had some kind of interest
in sailing, or something. Touma preferred reading about starships and
disintegration rays, himself, but whatever she liked was cool.
First off: rays himself, (suggest getting rid of the comma after 'rays')
Secondly: My, my... for a guy with an IQ of 250, Touma sure is clueless. As per
usual with intellectual types.
Flowers, fashion, and who was dating who.
Heh. Nice to see that underneath Mako-chan's tomboyish exterior lies the heart
of a woman; not unlike Azumanga Daio's Sakaki-san, from what I can see.
Touma looked down at the fried okonomiyaki and gulped. He hoped
she hadn't put in any noodles: noodles were the huge mistake that everyone
always made with okonomiyaki. Only people in Hiroshima liked noodles.
Gingerly, he picked up a bit of the aonori and sprinkled it onto the
steaming mass before drizzling just a bit of mayonnaise on top for
flavour.
Green Nori seaweed flakes? Only people in Hiroshima liked noodles? Wow.
That's... something. Again, the amount of research that goes into your fic
astounds me.
Touma looked down at his meal. She sure seemed to mean well, so
he supposed the least he could do was give it a try. It wasn't like he was
reknowned
reknowned --> renowned
Biting down, Touma's eyes bulged. It was okonomiyaki - real,
no-fooling, Osakan-style okonomiyaki. The squid and prawns had been mixed
perfectly with mushrooms and cheese in the batter, and the cabbage was
just strong enough to make its presence known without overpowering the
rest of the taste.
(getting flashbacks of Cooking Master Boy, Yakitate Japan, and Mr. Ajikko after
reading through the 'cheesy' and detailed appraisal--bordering monologue--of
Makoto's okonomiyaki)
"Glad you did," Touma said fervently, as he dug into the second
okonomiyaki. "We're going to have to get to work as soon as I'm done
eating, though. The sooner we start the sooner we can be done, and my
Suggest: The sooner we start, the sooner we can be done, (add comma)
Across from where the two teens struggled their way through the
works of Newton and Einstein, a shadowy figure stood on the nearby railing
of an adjacent balcony and watched.
But of course. Aren't these mysterious figures always standing nearby, hidden,
and shadowy?
blinking. A passing breeze stirred his velvety robes, and he quietly
gripped the loosely hanging brass rings
Not so sure, so I merely suggest: loosely-hanging brass rings
her natural sovreignity
sovreignity --> sovereignty
even than those of Touma Hashiba, for his were the eyes of the spirit. For
millenia his predecessor had stood as the sole defender of this land, the
millenia --> millennia
Suggest: For millennia, his predecessor (the comma adds a natural pause to the
narrative prose)
last vestige of his lord Endymion's dying kingdom.
Endymion's his _lord_? Hmmm. Fascinating.
If Sailor Jupiter was back, she would not be walking this realm
Hmm. Talk about delayed. That is, him and his information. Sailor Jupiter's
been back for sometime now. Where had _he_ been, huh?
when he and his Troopers had already given SO MUCH, and recieved nothing,
recieved --> received
Setsuna and he had deserved better than the fate
they were given: an eternity alone, unable to touch, or feel....
Such drama! Such, such... Full Metal ANGST!
jasmine, and a swirl of fluttering leaves seemed to remind him of a long
veil of emerald hair, and he could almost feel at peace. Back then he had
Suggest: Back then, he had
been able to touch, and there had been one who had needed so badly to feel
the touch of another human being.
Setsuna: Meh. Stop whining. (thinks about it for all of three millennia, then
hugs the poor sap)
He had looked for her, of course. He had scanned the globe for any
sign of Setsuna Meioh,
Using Naoko Takeuchi/the anime's official Romanization of 'Meioh', 'Tenoh', and
'Kaioh', eh?
could - she had known how short it was going to be. Maybe she had seen all
of this, as well;
Suggest: of this as well; (awkward pause if you include the comma after 'this',
IMO)
Fool
that he was, he preferred to think that they had been more than just
another machination to each other.
Such a sensitive fool. Who would have thought that Setsuna would have enough
nuts to cover the both of them? ^_^;
Across the street, the hours passed, and Toshitada Koma stood in
silent contemplation as he watched over his adopted charge. He had never
particularly liked Touma Hashiba, but he had to admit that the warrior of
Tenku had a very skilled mind.
very-skilled (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
stretching out on the couch. For a single moment, Toshitada hated them and
envied them with every fibre of his being.
9_9 The antithesis of Setsuna, this Toshitada; makes me wonder why he was ever
assigned to this post in the first place, seeing that he's obviously not
emotionally secure enough to handle the job.
He was so tired, and he could not rest.
Despite his whiny nature, I particularly liked this sentiment of his. Apt,
brief, and genuinely dramatic, unlike his gratuitous bellyaching reminiscent of
LJ Drama.
it was going to be skirt weather, either,
Suggest: weather either, (get rid of the comma after 'weather', it provides an
IMO awkward pause)
After a few minutes of searching, she came up with a sleeveless
maroon Chinese shirt made of light silk and some dark blue capri pants
(shrugs) I think it should be 'Capri', but I could be wrong.
that had matching trim.
Ranma: HEY!
With a patterned maroon and black silk scarf for
a sash and a pair of slippers, she was good to go.
Makoto: There. I added a scarf, a sash, and a pair of slippers so it won't look
like copyright infringement. Happy now?
Ranma: (grumbles)
but a girl could never be too careful. With her luck, the one time she
forgot the darned thing would be the one time she would need it. Besides,
now that she had someone else staying with her, she might want to be a
little more careful not to leave her wand sitting out in plain sight where
he could stumble across it and blow her secret identity.
Touma: (looks at the henshin stick)
Makoto: Oh no! Now you know my secret.
Touma: (hands back the henshin stick to Makoto and blushes) What you do in your
private time is your business (scuttles away).
Makoto: Wha�HEY! It's not what you think, you UBER-PERV!
Makoto reached up and gently covered her mouth with her free
hand as Touma switched hands without breaking rythm
rythm --> rhythm
'Rythm', eh? I believe that's a Japanese J-pop/rock band. Or was it 'Rythem'?
(ponders)
"Uh, no." Makoto shook her head dumbly and gestured with her wash
basket to show that she had already been up. "You just... reminded me of
someone I used to know, that's all. No big deal. I'm over it."
Heh. Thank you for the variation of the cliche.
Touma would look more like Umino, the local specimen of male nerdliness.
(shrugs) It's also not a word, but nonetheless I suggest: nerdiness
Pushing the door open a crack,
Pushing the door open to a crack,
On the
other hand, maybe she was one of those people that had trouble thinking
clearly first thing in the morning. Shuu was like that, too.
Suggest: Shuu was like that too.
He had once tried to build his
own coffee maker when he had been bored, but somewhere along the way he
had been forced the shelve the design due to lack of plutonium.
the shelve --> to shelve
A few seconds later, a different ringing reached his ears.
Frowning, Touma vaulted over the small island that seperated
separated --> separated
mental image of what was going on in there. If he did, he knew he would
be too embarassed
embarassed --> embarrassed
but he still liked to think that he was
at least enough of a gentleman not to go through a girl's unmentionables.
While she was absent.
Right. And going through a girl's unmentionables while she's present is a good
thing?
Touma maneuvered through the room as though it were a minefield,
carefully padding around loose socks and discarded clothing as though they
Hmmm? What's with the loose socks and discarded clothing? I thought, as you've
established earlier, Makoto was a good housekeeper. Shouldn't a good
housekeeper have, oh I dunno, a clothes hamper for all that discarded clothing?
uncomfortable, and I've been trying to reach you forever! So if you can
hear this, pick up. Makoto? Pick up, Makoto! Are you there? I can't see
anything on your end. Sailor Jupiter, this is Sailor Mercury, do you read
me?"
Tsk. And so the secret was revealed just like that. Good thing (or bad thing,
depending on the situation) secrets tend to reveal themselves to people who
need to know.
Radanthus the Unconquered was not pleased. He had given his
simpering priest Badamon a very simple task:
To digivolve into Evilmon?
Radanthus had faith only in himself, and he
had no intention of wasting his energy trying anything until he could be
sure that no annoying little girls with stupid hair would be showing up
to give a speech and ruin it.
Heh. I like Radanthus. He has enough sense to learn from the mistakes of his
predecessors. He must have been reading the Evil Overlord's List.
Jadeite had been the youngest, most brilliant of all Beryl's
Shittenou.
HA! Take that, fanon term 'Generals'! :P
Ian Andreas Miller: (approves)
forced order in their wake. They were the Ikazuchi;
Kenshin: Eyng?
It was to he and he alone that they had sworn loyalty when they
had turned on their king, and it was he alone whom they would obey.
Rescuing Jadeite from his eternal sleep would gain Radanthus not only an
Ah. Anime continuity. That eternal sleep thing really is useful in the case of
continuation-type fanfics. This is at least the third fic I've C&Ced that
features this plot point in their fic.
Sailor Mars: If he ever comes back, I'll go manga all over his pasty-white ass!
Yeah!
The youma
and daimons who served Radanthus were tired of rulers who saw them as
expendable: if Badamon's careless handling of them was not addressed,
Radanthus would soon find himself with no troops at all.
Awwww.
Youma and Daimons: Long live Radanthus the Unconquered! He is the King of
Peons! He is for the common demon! Hail King Radanthus!
largely decomposed. His once stately black robes had rotted and torn into
shapless
shapless --> shapeless
heaps of rags that swathed his skeletal body like a shroud from
which only his gaunt hands and sunken, skull-like head emerged. His eyes
were milky and unfocused, and the skin had pulled back from his teeth to
reveal a permanent grin. Only stray wisps of hair still clung to the
dessicated
dessicated --> desiccated
I do believe your spelling of the word isn't covered by the 'Commonwealth
spelling' excuse, er, explanation. :P
Nise Suiko, for example, has already been informed
of his new position in our forces. Clearly one such as he is too valuble
valuble --> valuable
that the Troopers and Senshi could reman
reman --> remain
The train hummed and clicked to itself in a soothing rythym
rythym --? rhythm
You've made two 'alternative' misspellings of 'rhythm' already.
as
it coasted along its rails through the cool night air. Inside, the usually
crammed compartments were empty, chairs abandoned and straps swinging
empty from the ceiling.
Suggest: replacing the first 'empty' with 'unfilled' and replacing the second
'empty' with 'emptily'; either of the two or both.
The question was, did it matter? If Makoto Kino was Sailor
Jupiter, what difference did that make in anything?
It's a major plot point. It makes all the difference.
Touma: (extricates brick from the fourth wall) I'm sure that, if I saw it your
way, I'd agree.
the media, and Touma felt a bit guilty that he knew her secret, anyway.
Suggest: secret anyway.
Something like that was precious to a girl. She deserved to have the right
of revealing it to somebody when and where she wanted to. The only really
proper thing to do was pretend he had never found out and let her tell
him herself at a time of her choosing.
Strange thoughts from a guy that's just her temporary tutor. I mean, why should
he worry whether or not Makoto will tell her in the future? In the future,
(barring the plot point) he's not supposed to see Makoto ever again. I suppose
they could be acquaintances or he could become a regular tutor, but they've met
only... what? A few days? Thinking that Makoto could trust him, a mere
acquaintance she's only met for a short time, enough to reveal her secret
should be the farthest thing in his mind.
again. He wasn't like Ryo: he didn't need to be everybody's hero. Most of
the time, he didn't really want to be a hero at all. But somehow, when
Makoto looked at him with those wide green eyes, he found himself wanting
to be hers.
Wow. Nice and poetic, if a bit sentimental, delusional, and overly-optimistic;
Makoto can take care of herself, thank you very much. Nonetheless, I guess a
little bit of self-delusion is acceptable during those short periods of
insanity called infatuation.
It was insane; he'd only known her for three days.
Exactly. But it's still not a smooth enough save, prose.
Prose: (sticks its tongue out at me)
Besides which,
a girl like her probably had dozens of boys dying to go out with her.
Boys (of mostly Japanese descent): Aw, hell naw. Too tall.
The only reason she knew he existed was because she needed help with her
homework. He could tell she wasn't interested in him that way. It would
be a betrayl
betrayl --> betrayal
He is a nerd. These are all typically nerdy train of thoughts when it comes to
girls.
The air warped, and buckled, and Touma's eyes widened with the
Suggest: warped and buckled, and Touma's eyes
and shuddered around them, shrieking and squeling as a gale force wind
squeling --> squealing
suddenly forced it into shapes and positions it had never been meant to
assume. Touma threw his arms wide, gathering as many as he could in the
chaotic jumble of falling bodies as he pinwheeled
Suggest: pinwheeled --> pin-wheeled
through the open and
shifting air of the train compartment. He wasn't sure when his undergear
armour had summoned itself, but he felt the glass spliners
spliners --> splinters
back. With a groan, she opened her eye the rest of the way open
Suggest: getting rid of 'open' (redundancy problems)
determined to move away from every other folicle in unison.
folicle --> follicle
Something warm and sticky splattered against the side of her
face, and Makoto instinctively reached up to brush it off with her hand.
I am not going to touch that with a ten-foot pole... I am not going to touch
that with a ten-foot pole...
that enveloped him and reinforing
reinforing --> reinforcing
"No... he's still out there. Some monster in armour, he flipped
the whole train over. I... I wanted to protect you, Makoto." Touma
coughed, and a trickle of blood slipped from the corner of his mouth. "I
really messed it up, Mako-chan. No way I can fight him now."
Suggest (even though it's informal dialogue): There's no way I can fight him
now.
Hmmm. Will you look at that; it's as if Touma's subtly asking Makoto to
transform.
Somebody outside was ranting something about wanting to fight an
archer. Makoto glanced over at the sideways seats and realised she was
standing on the back of the train. There was a door waiting nearby,
already half opened
Suggest: half-opened
and the air outside filled with falling water with as much warning as if
some capricious god had turned on some cosmic faucet.
Morgan Hudson: (capricious god)
As he approached, there was a flash
of lightning and a roar of thunder that seemed to stretch from the inside
of the train to the heavens above in a pillar of burning fury that warmed
his heart.
Fei Lian: Awwwww. All warm and fuzzy inside that pillar of burning fury is
making me...
His enemy was not yet among the dead, then - excellent.
Suggest: then - Excellent. (since 'Excellent' is a standalone clause and should
be treated as one, with first-word-capping and all that)
"Why do you oppose, young amazon?"
Suggest: young Amazon?"
he asked, tilting his head to
one side and looking at her curiously. "With you, my quarrel is not; it
is the archer I seek. Unnecessary, your death this night shall be."
"Garbed in the colours of my passion, I am Sailor Jupiter!"
Wow. With all the speechifying, purple prose, and inapt vocabulary words that
one will never use in normal conversation, I'd say Jupiter and Fei Lian deserve
each other.
"In the name of the planet Jupiter, I shall defend the unbreakable
bond between teacher and student! Touma risked his life to rescue these
people; he was nearly killed protecting them from you! If you think I'll
let you take one more step near him, you're dead wrong!"
Tsk. The sanctity of the secret identity means nothing to this fic.
side with a single flourish of his hand. "Admirable your strength is,
amazon, but a child yet is all you are. This blow shall be my last!"
Suggest: Amazon
"Man," Makoto groaned, leaning back into the large dent in the
side of the steel train, "you're nothing but a bunch of air, aren't you?
Do your worst: I'm still getting started." A slender golden antennae
If your Commonwealth rules dictate that 'antennae' is a singular word, then
ignore this side-comment. Otherwise, suggest: A slender golden antenna/Slender
golden antennae (sans 'a')
Smoke streaming from his armour, Fei Lian jetted into the rain
filled sky
rain-filled sky (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
"Skillful," he admitted, "but a daughter of dragons cannot hope
to defeat one such as I." He chuckled, and for a moment in the rain his
shape seemed to change, growing larger and winged, with the impression of
a thousand tightly coiled scales
Not as sure about this one compared to all the other compound descriptors, but
I still suggest: tightly-coiled scales
bracing himself upright with it as he looked down at Fei Lian. Clumsily,
he fumbled for an arrow and nocked
nocked --> notched
A shadow fell over Touma, as Makoto stepped in front of him with
Suggest: over Touma as Makoto (get rid of the comma, awkward pause)
to work out... You just gotta take care of yourself, okay, Touma? Get
out of here, while they're busy with me!
Suggest: out of here while they're busy with me!
"Irrelevant, that is." Fei Lian said with a shrug, as he tossed
the box onto the ground in front of Touma.
Suggest: a shrug, tossing the box onto the ground in front of Touma (he tossed
--> tossing)
older. Victory, perhaps, will be yours then. Your girl friend, however,
Suggest: girlfriend (no need for the space)
at the end of a long and swaying bridge. The wraiths would show him the
way, he knew. He could feel their eager fingers pawing at him already.
Wraiths: KYAAA! What a hunk! (blushies)
Closing his eyes, he leaned forward and breathed deeply of the mists.
Somewhere nearby, Xiang Yao coiled in anticipation - how it must be
Suggest: anticipation - How
Also: anticipation; how
Sailor
Jupiter was somewhere in this place, and he was going to find her, and
he was going to protect her, and they were going to escape.
Touma Hashiba had always firmly believed in happy endings...
Nice cap-off. The reuse of the 'happy ending' theme has made the chapter a
solid, standalone read outside of the other chapters. I like the chapter's
individual 'feel', so to speak. Certainly highlights the major plot point of
Sailor Jupiter and Touma being pulled into the Castle of Real Bad Stuff
Happening.
**********
To Be Continued.
I guess it can't be helped. Again, here are several of the basic grammar rules
you've broken in this chapter:
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.
Grammar Rule #13: Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous and can be excessive.
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!).
Grammar Rule #63: I before E except after C or sounding like 'a' as in
'neighbor' and 'weigh'. Unless it's weird.
My continuing advice to you in regards to these grammar rules? Proofread. I
know I'm merely being redundant since I've already told you this in the last
C&C, but I want to drill this point to the ground. Proofreading takes care of
those avoidable, brain fart mistakes like 'recieved', 'spliners', 'squeling',
and 'shapless'. Also, read your dialogue out loud. This is the best indication
you'll ever have of if it sounds right, makes sense, and flows properly. If it
feels weird to say it, chances are that it'll feel very weird to read it. Also,
let it percolate. If you have time, let it sit for a few weeks, then read it
over. Without what you think you wrote in fresh in your mind, you'll have a
much better chance of catching strange misspellings, redundancy, out of place
commas, and other problems. If you've just written the story, it's very
difficult to edit it yourself because you know exactly what it should say; so
you read what you think you wrote, rather than what you actually wrote.
B-ut I do understand the great gig you have going on with the FFML, with you
having 'post'-readers (as opposed to prereaders) galore every time you release
a chapter. Thing is, though I may only be speaking for myself, your legion of
post-readers might actually appreciate it more if there's less of your prose to
be corrected. Then again, that may just be me.
In any case, you are improving: less grammar rules broken this time around.
And, instead of me ranting so much about corrections that this C&C became about
as long and involved as your fic, I... didn't. There are still corrections, but
far less here than the ones found in the draft-like Ronin Summer Part 2 (but a
bit more than Ronin Summer Part 1... Damn, that chapter was the bomb
introductory-wise, show-not-tell-wise, and grammar-wise).
As for the content itself; it's undoubtedly good. Again, this chapter, like all
previous chapters, was worth quite a few chuckles. Humor, plot, and good old
storytelling are this fic's strong points, no doubt. So far in my C&Cs, I have
yet to heavily criticize the content of your fic. You introduced plot elements
and Chekov's guns that will undoubtedly unravel in the next few chapters, and
this one chapter was able to accomplish what it was set out to do: move the
plot, introduce a few more characters into the fray, and it even inserted a bit
of a three-day romantic fling between Makoto and Touma. The rescue mission will
inevitably lead Makoto and Touma to be closer, if albeit this 'moment of great
need' might color their perceptions on each other's romantic standing. But I
digress. Great fic, can't wait to C&C more of it. As such, keep on writing.
Paalam!
Abdiel
--------------------
I wasn't overwhelmed, I wasn't underwhelmed; so let's just call it a day and
say I was whelmed.
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