Jumping backward in time from my last C&C for another Sailor
Moon/Spider-Man story (which is an odd enough combination that I'm
really surprised that there are three of which I'm aware).
Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
David Johnston wrote:
At Empire State University:
His daughter was dead. His wife was dead. And Gwendolyne Stacy who
reminded him so much of both of them each was dead as well. He had to
accept that. Or...did he?
"Professor Tomoe?"
...interesting.
"Yes, Mr. Serdar, I heard every word." His glasses glinted at he looked
at his assistant.
"glinted as"
But this girl brought thoughts of Snow White and Sleeping Beauty to
mind. Not a mark on her on her betrayed whatever had taken her life,
and her face hadn't taken on that ghastly pallor.
Doubled "on her" here.
"Impossible! Rigor hasn't set in! There's no lividity! She can't have
been dead more than half an hour and she's never been in the water. You
must have mixed Ms Stacey up with a more recent intake."
"Ms. Stacey"
The examiner jerked uncontrollably. He didn't regard himself as an
easily rattled man, and was accustomed to death, but when voices seem to
come out of thin air in empty rooms in a morgue, even a rational man can
feel a chill run down his spine.
Unnecessary comma after "easily rattled man"
"No." The cat's uncanny [colour?] eyes caught his.
Looks like a bit you forgot to fill in.
Down in the sub-basement there was a very unusual statue. It had been
recovered in an Egyptian dig at a temple to an Egyptian moon-god but the
style of the statue was nothing like anything Egyptian sculptors had
carved.
I'd get rid of at least one of those "Egyptian"s, probably the one
before dig.
It seemed more Greek than anything else but the dating of the
temple conflicted with that. It had been destroyed long before the
Greeks adopted any similar style. So it remained the Jeffersonian's
little secret, kept in a dark storage space where it couldn't stir up
any awkward questions about the authenticity of the rest of the
artifacts who were one of the Institute's most prized exhibits.
"who" should be "that" or "which"
Suddenly that space was lit as a dome of light appeared out of nowhere,
flinging aside artifacts of dubious value as a body appeared in front of
the god's statue, astrological sigil brightly glowing on its forehead,
mirrored by an answering symbol on the statue's forehead.
I'm thinking this sentence could use some splitting up.
"That's it," the cat gasped, weaving unsteadily as she continued to
trace her circle around the body. "I've done all the heavy lifting I
intend to do today. The rest is up to you, Khonshu." She thumped over
on her side, and began to lightly snore.
Hmm. I really can't say that much in general comments, as there isn't
all that much to comment on. It's a good opening, but it really feels
more like a teaser or the first couple of scenes of a chapter rather
than a whole first chapter. It _seems_ like you have an interesting
enough premise, but there's no real meat here yet.