A while back, in order to attempt to promote the posting of said fics, I
decided to try to C&C every Gundam fic posted to the list.
That's why I'm jumping back even farther in time with this C&C, to catch
one that slipped under the radar.
Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
Ange De Bleu : baby blu eyes wrote:
Summary: Makoto kept a secret from everyone, but can she kept it from the
man that is involved with it? Or will he never know about their child?
...well, that's generic. Fair warning: I have little-to-no interest in
this genre of fanfiction.
Prologue
Does your story have a title? You should probably tell it to the reader
at some point.
Her finger continued to squeeze the hand of the unexpected person next to
her, and a cry moved from her soft, pink lips.
And that sounds like the opening line of a badly written lemon.
�Come on Makoto, just a little more,� came the soft musical voice next to
her. Gently, she wiped the sweat from her forehead, busying away her
chestnut hair.
You've got some pronoun confusion here. Who is wiping the sweat from
whose forehead? Presumably, the owner of the voice is wiping away the
sweat from Makoto's forehead, but as written there's no way to tell for
certain who "she" and "her" are. You definitely should replace at least
one of those with a non-pronoun identifier.
Emerald eyes slowly opened towards her blue-eyed friend,
smiling for all the help;
Eyes can't smile, and that's what you have them doing in this sentence
as written.
Suggest: "Emeral eyes slowly opened towards her blue-eyed friend as she
smiled for all the help." or something.
...that still doesn't sound terribly good to me, but it's a little better.
she gave one final push and knew that it was
finally over. The nine months of carrying the child, the nine months of
cravings, and mood swings.
Unnecessary comma after cravings.
It was finally over, and now her life was going to start anew. With
her new baby girl: Indigo.
Minako gently took a damp cloth and pressed it against her friend�s ivory
skin.
This sudden shift from narrating Makoto's POV to a more neutral observer
seems rather jarring to me.
�Are you going to be alright Mako?� she asked.
Needs a comma after "alright."
I suggest replacing "alright" with "all right" also.
�I�ll be fine Minako,� she replied, flashing her a smile. �I�ve always been
alright.�
Needs a comma after fine, and once more I'd recommend using "all right."
�And her last name...?�
Assuming that this taking place in Japan, "last name" is innaccurate:
the given name comes second in Japanese. You should use "family name"
instead.
�No one will ever know but me,� said Makoto, giving another smile.
If she wanted to avoid revealing the identity of the father, she could
still give the child her _own_ family name, which would make much more
sense.
It felt
like everything was happening all over again; the first time meeting him,
the look in his eyes, and that one passionate night they had finally let
their emotions take over. It had been the first time she had seen that look
in his eyes...and the first he had ever shown emotion towards anyone,
towards her.
"the first time he had"
They had parted, and she had never told him. Never had she seen
him again since they were in two different dimensions and his was the one
she had happened to vacation to.
...so you're doing a GW/SM crossover via dimensional travel. Uh-huh.
Also, that last sentence is pretty clumsily constructed.
But now, it looked like that vacation was
going to be happening soon enough again, and Setsuna had something in mind
that she was wondering about.
...you just switched in mid-paragraph from narrating from Makoto's POV
to narrating from (I think) Setsuna's POV. That's bad.
Where was she going? What was going to happen?
That, she would never know until she got there...
As written, all these pronouns are referring back to Setsuna, but I
think you want them to refer to Makoto.
Okay, general comments: There's nothing here to hook the reader in the
slightest. This is too short and tells the reader nothing other than
that Makoto had a relationship with an unidentified member of the Gundam
Wing cast. Combine that uninspired premise with fairly clumsy writing,
and there's no reason for the reader to come back.
I recommend waiting until you have something more substantial before
first posting the story. That's why I generally never post a prologue
on its own; whatever I post first should stand as an interesting read on
its own and hook the reader into wanting to see more. This does not.
I hope my comments are of some use to you.