StudioPC wrote:
Disclaimer: Sailor Moon is owned by Toei, the concept of Spiderman
and other characters are owned by Marvel Comics. No money is being
made from this and no such intent should be inferred.
Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
Note: I've been waiting for over a year to write this part.
Those are always fun chapters.
"I have come, father," said the prince as he knelt before the throne.
The king stared down at him, his single eye seeing all, even what was
in his son's heart.
Specifically, blood.
"Then you know why you must stay here." The king was compassionate.
His son was a warrior born, and sworn to the people of the world as
their guardian.
Comma after born isn't needed.
"The Devourer approaches. Even know, his herald moves towards
Midgard. We must be ready to meet him."
Know should be now.
Troya's eyes narrowed and his lips curled back from his teeth in
disgust. Clan Chief Khandir was a fool and what he lacked in brains,
he made up for in a thirst for blood. Metallia had given the young
idiot power enough to defeat his predecessor, a youma Troya could at
least respect, as he was unwilling to needlessly throw away lives, if
not like.
I would move "if not like" to immediately after "at least respect."
But he didn't. So Troya followed orders, and tried to teach the
younglings the old ways, to give them some sense of honor.
Unnecessary comma after orders.
Khanadir's lust for blood should have given Nerium to war.
This sentence just doesn't seem to parse meaningfully to me, but I could
just be having a brain fart.
>From the context, maybe change to "should have led"?
To be
wiped out in battle was preferable to being the clan that served in
the cargo entrance to the palace. But even here, Khandir's
incompetence and stupidity showed and it fell to Troya to see to the
shipments of supplies and their proper handling.
I think "shimpments" possibly should be "shipment" here.
He stormed forward, bellowing orders and goading the others into the
groups he'd devised, one that could empty any train within mere hours
of its arrival, less, depending on the load.
"one" should be "ones"
Possibly should be "arrival or less," instead of "arrival, less,"
The train pulled in with a sound that was a cross between a roar and
whine and Troya went to the engine to welcome the driver.
"and a whine"
The door slid open and Troya stared at the black clad, jade green
monster within.
"black-clad"
Jupiter decided not to think about it. In fact, she was going to stop
thinking about anything Sailor Moon said.
Wise for many versions of Sailor Moon!
Bit by bit, human and youma stopped fighting and looked around,
finally coming to rest on Sailor Moon, who stood on one of the
massive cargo containers. In one had, she held a cross between a war
hammer and a battleaxe and in the other, the head of a youma.
"In one hand"
"Hail the clan chief!" He bellowed, raising his spear high.
He shouldn't be capitalized.
"I can only offer you my word of honor that I speak truthfully,"
Troya replied. "Metallia is a fearsome and dangerous opponent, you
need my clan's help to get near her, or Beryl."
Comma after opponent should be a semicolon. Comma after her isn't needed.
"These are yours," Troya said to her, laying a hair ornament in her
hand. "I led a squad of thirty during the final day of the War with
the Moon. You met us in the east courtyard."
"I what?" Jupiter demanded. "I don't remember that!"
"You weren't told then?"
Missing comma after told.
"Gas from your homeworld," Troya told her. A miniature storm of some
sort, I believe."
Missing quote mark at the start of the last sentence.
"Mizuno's a good kid," Banner said with a shrug. "I can relate to
her." Fury looked at him oddly and he grimaced. "Smartest kid in the
class, few friends, voices in your head, yeah, I can relate."
Possibly the comma after head should be a semicolon.
"Why you can call me Thunderball," the man replied. "Mayhem and
general chaos to order is my trade, pleased to meetcha." He smiled,
showing even white teeth. But despite Thunderball's pleasant tone and
well mannered speech, Fury saw thug.
Perhaps "saw a thug"?
"You'd best be calling me Elliot, if you've got any sense, Banner,"
Thunderball growled and then his expression brightened. "As for my
Thunderball here, why it was the strangest thing. While in prison I
met a man named Dirk Guthwaite and he told me the oddest tale. When
and two other fine fellows broke out, we investigated and Dirk was
telling true. Not only that, he was kind enough to share."
Missing a word between When and and.
"Guthwaite . . ." Banner began, and then swore. "I ran into him as
Mr. Fix-It a few times," he said to Fury. "He had this crowbar that
gave him super-strength and near-invunrability.
"near-invulnerability"
"You can't beat all of us, Eli" Banner retorted, "hell, you can't
even beat me."
Should be:
retorted. "Hell,
Banner made no attempt to dodge, he merely put out his hand and the
ball made a clanging noise as hit.
Comma after dodge should be a semicolon.
"He wanted to tell us that someone was coming," Fury said. "Tuxedo
something.
Missing a quote mark at the end.
""I'll handle it and I can't let her die. Besides, you can't stop
me." Banner sat down and held out his arm. "I'm A plus. Do it."
Extra space between Banner and set.
So Sailor Jupiter will be She-Hulk, then? Interesting.
"For the bomb, yes," Banner replied, "but my original pitch was for a
reactor, the government just wanted a weapon instead."
Comma after reactor should be a semicolon.
"So you built one, but the plans for the reactor were still in a file
cabinet somewhere, free for the taking," Sailor Moon finished. "Great."
"Onslaught," Troya said. "This must be connected to Onslaught."
I don't know, Troya. I don't remember either Professor X or Magneto
showing up yet, and it's tough to have Onslaught without them.
"Beryl was after wanting Sailor Moon," Thunderball said from behind
them. "But we get your lot all to ourselves."
Either after or wanting should go.
"So it goes like this, feel free to stop me if I'm going to fast for
you.
Comma after this should be a semicolon.
Beryl smirked. "It suits your outfit. Even if your friends find your
body, there's no exterior way to free you. Goodbye, Usagi, I'll
remember you fondly . . . every few centuries, perhaps." Then she
vanished.
...no exterior way, huh? Beryl just dropped a pretty big clue there.
Anyway, it was an interesting chapter and a fun read, and I'm looking
forward to seeing more. Hopefully, I've been of some help.