Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to misquote
facts and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at
one point can easily be retracted on the next, depending on how the story
progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I
see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your
fic? You have the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you
can use and ignore the rest. ^_^
It also occurs to me that my lexicon may not be at par with yours, so any
unfamiliar word I ask about isn't necessarily a correction but just general
ignorance on my part (as pointed out by a certain Thomas Michael Edwards). As
such, it'd be appreciated if you'd have the patience to clear up some of my
questions on those particular instances. Thanks.
Hello, Clarice--Erhm, I mean, my next victim is...
On 6/25/06, Elsa Bibat <aerolbj@i-next.net> wrote:
A long in-hiatus fic slumbers back awake - actually this has been posted to
my LJ but wasn't released on the FFML.
Lesson 0 can be found in the link below.
Disclaimer: As always, Sailormoon
(shrugs) Unless nowadays it's correct to spell the Senshi names as 'Sailormars'
or 'Sailormercury', I'd suggest changing 'Sailormoon' to 'Sailor Moon'.
Besides, the Japanese material where people got 'Sailormoon' ('Sailormars',
Sailormercury') is, well, Japanese material.
1996:
Usagi Tsukino, future Queen of the world, was pissed.
"SETSUNA!!! I know you're in there! Open up!"
That was Haruka Ten'ou impression as she shared a glance with her long-time
lover.
Revise: Ten'ou's impression
Suggest: Though I do realize that the Hepburn, Kunrei, and Nippon Romanization
Systems all make use of the apostrophe in Haruka's last name (the only
difference is that they use different kinds of 'o's... anime fans use 'ou'),
perhaps you should opt for another Romanization style to avoid the nearly
side-by-side single quotes. Like say...
The fandom's alternative way: Tenou's (sans apostrophe after 'Ten')
Naoko Takeuchi's way of Romanization (written in volume nine of the manga):
Tenoh's
The anime's way of Romanization (in episode 106 of the anime, Haruka was
wearing a suit that shows these letters): Tenoh's
(But of course, like the aforementioned 'Sailormoon', 'Tenoh' came from at
times ungrammatical Japanese material. It's your jurisdiction whether to use it
or not. _Either way_, the apostrophe-s stays, since it denotes possession to
the word 'impression'... Heh. Lots of rhyming words there.)
Usagi scowled as she watched Rei waving goodbye,
Is it wrong for me to feel that Usagi's more of a pouting type than a scowling
type?
while the dark-haired girl
herded the other Inners away.
And now a few words from our sponsors...
Ian Andreas Miller: There's no such thing as 'Inner Senshi', that's a dubious
fan-term! The fandom simply doesn't know any better because they seem unable to
read the original Japanese Sailor Moon books where the correct terms can be
found.
Yesterday, after leaving her weirdo sensei's
home she went to visit the Outer's apartment. They weren't of much help.
Suggest: home, she went (add a comma after 'home' to add a natural pause)
Ian Andreas Miller: On the other hand, the anime term 'Gaibu taiyoukei san
senshi" does not translate into 'Outer Senshi', it's 'Outer Planet Senshi'.
Phrases like 'Inner Senshi' and 'Outer Senshi' are inherently vague and
ambiguous. What is the 'Inner' in 'Inner Senshi' referring to? How are those
soldiers inner? They are supposed to be inner relative to what? How are those
'Outer Senshi' outer? They are supposed to be outer relative to what? There
are no definite answers to those questions. For all we know, 'Inner' and
'Outer' could be referring to the bellybuttons of those characters!
Hmph
Revise: Hmph.
Suggest: Humph.
They had arrived at the estate's gates to be greeted by the two ravens
again. One look at the pair and Rei just smiled, shook her head and
pronounced everthing
Rei: (her rigidly Japanese tongue could not pronounce 'everything')
everthing --> everything
was fine. She then gave her best friend a smirk that
just said 'you are _so_ screwed, Usagi-chan' according to the young Tsukino
girl's Hino face vocabulary
Heh.
The harsh voice cut through the silence like a sharp knife. Husky and low,
Usgi
Usgi --> Usagi
Weyland-sensei was standing underneath the shade of a nearby tree. Dressed
in the same black clothes she wore yesterday, she looked like a gaunt
spectre.
I find it strange and inapt for the prose to use 'spectre' and 'center' in the
same fic. So which will it be? American-style grammar (center) or Commonwealth
rules (spectre)?
"Sensei!" Her quick bow forced her her shoulder's
Repetition of 'her'.
It wasn't possible that such
a large estate could be found in metropolitan Tokyo.
I'd say.
Something strange was
happening and she didn't like it.
"Child, may I ask you a question?"
"Er...okay." Great. More qestions.
qestions --> questions
Ms. Weyland: (Grammar Nazi) Youngsters and their internet; that technological
menace is the reason why literacy rates are dropping! 'Qestions' indeed!
Usagi really didn't like questions. They
usually meant that she'd be embarassed by her own ignorance.
embarassed --> embarrassed
Usagi: What if Weyland-sensei asks me how to spell 'embarassed'? It'd be so
embarassing!
Usagi just looked at her blanky.
blanky --> blankly
Usagi: (as that Peanuts character with the blanket) I love my blanky! ~v~
Her teacher smiled, a surprisingly gentle expression on the redhead's face.
"Japanese politeness, I see.
Very good. Very good and subtle poke in the social norms of those crazy Japs. I
approve.
My dear, asking questions is one of the things
I'd like to teach you and I assure you I will not take offense to any
Suggest: teach you, and I assure (add comma to add a natural pause)
"Setsuna has told me of you, child. She is of the opinion that you have
potential and I agree with her.
Suggest: potential, and I agree with her. (add comma to add a natural pause)
For you to unleash that potential you must
first learn to learn and the first step in learning is asking questions.
Suggest: to learn, and the first step (add comma to add a natural pause)
...What's with the commas and natural pauses, you may ask? Well, I tried
reading Weyland's dialogue out loud, and they way she fired them off without
pause seemed unnatural to me. Then again, if you intended it that way, I
suggest hinting to the reader just what point you're trying to drive at for
Weyland to speak that way.
"Yes?" Her redheaded teacher asked they walked on.
"Yes?" her redheaded (because the dialogue was being 'asked' by the redheaded
teacher, ergo the latter statement and the dialogue are part of the same
sentence).
"But, I don't want to know." The young blonde muttered and her head drooped
in misery.
Suggest: "But I don't (get rid of the IMO extraneous comma)
Hmmm. So did Usagi mutter something else after she said 'But, I don't want to
know' or did she _mutter_ 'But, I don't want to know'? If it's the latter,
please revise to:
"But I don't want to know," the young blonde muttered
Why? Usagi wondered. Looking back at her life for the past few years where
she went from normal schoolgirl to savior of the planet, she decided on an
answer. "Because... it makes things so complicated. Sometimes... it's better
not to know. I just want everything to be simple...easy.
Add a space after 'simple...' and before 'easy' just to be consistent with all
the other times you added a space after the ellipsis.
I don't want to be
special. I just want to be me.
Hmmm. You're definitely going to have a problem with that.
I know it's selfish but can't someone else do
it?"
Suggest: I know it's selfish, but
"'Saying, Mother, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me; nevertheless,
not my will, but thine, be done.',"
(eyebrow raised) 'Mother', eh? Well, take that, Patriarchal Church! :P
ground. Stopping at the well, the older woman dropped in the bucket, heard
water splash and started to crank the wheel.
Suggest: splash, and started to crank the wheel.
In a few moments, the wooden
vessel, filled with water, came into view. Picking up a wooden dipper, which
Usagi only now noticed, the one-eyed redhead dunked it into the
liquid-filled container.
Hmmm. I think you can get away with repeating 'bucket'; a bit less taxing on
the reader's nerves than the numerous euphuisms ('wooden vessel'? 'wooden
dipper'? 'liquid-filled container'? O_o)
"All right." Usagi took the dipper from her teacher's hand and took a sip-
That's some funky water from that liquid-filled container.
Weyland: The only true and effective way for a student to learn, aside from
them having an innate thirst for knowledge, is by drugging them. (nods sagely)
the world blossomed outwards-inwards
I rate this fic as 'Mature' for drug-related inferences. It's Grand Theft Auto,
Tokyo Drift.
an eye, a great bright burning eye set into a face that has seen pasts of so
many worlds, eternally beautiful and terrifying in its wisdom
Sauron: Yar.
"Sorry about that. But first-timers almost always need to be pulled back."
Ms. Weyland: You know how newbies are.
Weyland-sensei smiled and reached out with a hand to the younger girl's
burning cheek. The pain disappeared.
"And that, my dear, is the first lesson."
Aw. And here I was, expecting life lessons found in many a Japanese drama like
Gokusen and GTO, not a drug-induced hallucination. :P
BTW, where's the link to Chapter 0... <_< >_> ?_? Doko? Doko?
Interesting reading. Aside from Usagi's IMO slightly OOC anger with Setsuna
(but that may be because I dunno why she's angry, seeing that I don't have the
link to Chapter 0...), she's more or less well-characterized. Her fears behind
'learning' were exceptionally poignant. Here's hoping that Weyland doesn't turn
into an all-knowing author avatar/Big Sister Sue. And drugging Usagi so that
Weyland can brainwash her is a nice touch. Certainly easier than lecturing her,
of course. ^_^ With that said, I certainly can't wait for more. In any case,
ignore my sweet-and-sour comments if you'd like. I'm only "keeping it real" and
telling you straight out what I found wrong in the fic. The best advice I could
give you that you needn't take with a grain of salt is to keep on writing. Make
use of whatever corrections suits your fancy and ignore the rest, these are
strictly my opinion after all. I also apologize for any spelling and grammar
mistake my C&C has made. It'd be ironic for a correction to need a correction,
but we're all only human, after all.
Paalam!
Abdiel
--------------------
I wasn't overwhelmed, I wasn't underwhelmed; so let's just call it a day and
say I was whelmed.
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