($^%#& lack of Reply-To header...)
Aaron Nowack wrote:
And now to start catching up on C&C.
The Eternal Lost Lurker wrote:
"Ran...well, she's..."
Instantly, Eri's demeanor changed. "What's happened to Ran? What--"
She paused, face paling. "It must be something serious, if you came
here to tell me in person."
Kogoro nodded. "Ran...our daughter...is..." He swallowed.
"Shimatta...I can't say it."
I would turn the ellipsis after Shimatta into just a period,
particularly since there's so many ellipses around here.
Eri's hands flew to her mouth, her eyes wide in horror.
"She's...what? What's happened to Ran?"
"Well, it's her and that punk Kudou..."
Likewise with this one, since this works as a sentence on its own.
FWIW, I disagree on both of these. There's a considerable verbal
difference between trailing off, as represented by an ellipsis, and a
full stop, as represented by a period. Given the emotional context of
what's going on, I think the former - and hence the ellipsis - is much
more appropriate.
Something dark flashed across the child's eyes for such a brief
second, Kogoro wasn't sure he didn't imagine it.
Comma after second should be a semicolon.
No, it shouldn't. If the word "such" weren't there, you'd be right, but
since it is this is correct on its own. (If you want, imagine that the
comma were replaced with the word "that", and you should see what I'm
talking about - the meaning should be unchanged.)
Depending on precisely the tense desired here, it might be a good idea
to use "hadn't" instead of "didn't", but it's not invalid either way -
just has slightly different meaning.
I've already given my compliments on the story - in private, rather than
on the list, as I didn't feel I had much to say about any part of it in
particular - but it doesn't hurt to reiterate them; this is good work,
keep it up! ^_^