First off, take a look at the subject title you've typed. Here's my first
suggestion: spinoff --> Spin-off
Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to misquote
facts and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at
one point can easily be retracted on the next, depending on how the story
progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I
see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your
fic? You have the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you
can use and ignore the rest. ^_^
It also occurs to me that my lexicon may not be at par with yours, so any
unfamiliar word I ask about isn't necessarily a correction but just general
ignorance on my part (as pointed out by a certain Thomas Michael Edwards). As
such, it'd be appreciated if you'd have the patience to clear up some of my
questions on those particular instances. Thanks.
And my next victim is... my one-hundredth customer since I've started C&Cing
regularly last 2004! Congratulations... I think. ^_^; Oh, and I didn't realize
it at first, but after checking through the old messages in my 'sent' folder, I
realized that you were one of my old victims, Mr. Wong! ^^; Ah yes... 'A
Saotome in Smallville' indeed...
On 6/22/06, Dave Wong <darksoar@yahoo.com> wrote:
Disclaimer: Ranma Saotome and company are owned by
Yumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan Inc, and Viz Video.
O_O (rubs eyes) Yep. I'm not seeing things.
Yumiko Takahashi: <insert evil twin joke _here_>
Yumiko --> Rumiko
Credits:
Based on the events chronicled in Equal Halves,
written by Deborah Goldman,
_<
Deborah Goldman: Yar! I'm really lazy fourteen year old that has stolen Ms.
Goldsmith's fic and posted it on Fanfiction.net 'coz I love to 'played your
eyes'!
Goldman --> Goldsmith
(sigh) You're not really good with names, are you?
Fic: I sure ain't, Mister Ariel!
(sighs) As long at it wasn't spelled Deborah 'Goldberg'...
Deborah Goldberg: (pump-handle slams me, big boots, clotheslines, rinse,
repeat)
whose approval I received
for this spin-off.
Huh. So I wasn't the only one who asked for (and got) permission for a sequel
of Ms. Goldsmith's fic. Oh well, I'm always glad to see a good idea actually
written down, even if I wasn't the one who wrote it or the first person to come
up with it. ^_^
Deborah's work includes Genma's
Daughter, Equal Halves, and Notes from Julliard, all
extremely well written pieces
well-written (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
Authors Notes:
I really enjoyed Equal Halves and often wondered what
happened/would happen to Ranma and the Tendos after
Ranko left them. Finally, my curiosity got the better
of me and I emailed Deborah and asked if I could write
a spin-off sequel of sorts to Equal Halves. She
graciously said yes and well, here is the result.
Enjoy!
Um, while I myself am fond of the lengthy author notes with lots of credits,
trivia, links, and whatnot attached to it, can you _please_ put yours at the
end of the fic? Most readers would really appreciate you doing that. Thanks.
I really need pre-readers to help me finetune this
fine-tune
Heh. You got it. The fine-tuning part, I mean.
story. So, if any of you are willing, please....
(shrugs) Just as long as you proofread your works by yourself first before
sending it to anyone (lots of authors don't), I'm game. Prereading, giving C&C
after it's been posted on the FFML... Feh. Doesn't make much difference to me
either way.
Listened to: The Best of Bach, Mozart's Eine Kleine
Nachtmusik (KV 525 Allegro), Beethoven's Fur Elise,
Piano Concerto 1 2nd Movement, and Fifth Symphony, and
also Pop Goes the Weasel by Dalmaine.
O_O All your author notes need now is...
Mood: creative
Music: Equal Romance by CoCo
Of course, there was the slight possibility, however
unlikely, that Ranma had gone to the Cat Cafe to snack
on some hot ramen.
Ah sou. Child of the Viz dubs, eh? Certainly different from the Japanesey feel
of Deborah's well-researched work (she even researched on the kanji, places in
Japan, customs, and lots of other stuff.. now _that's_ dedication), but it's
certainly not _wrong_ to use the dub appellations.
From what she had observed, Ran-chan remained a little
upset at everyone involved in demolishing the Saotome
home.
Gee, I wonder why. 9_9
And that definitely included her; ever since
then, he'd treated her differently, giving her the
cold shoulder every now and then.
Ukyo lovers: (boos, hisses, and cries out 'OOC!')
She'd been trying to make it up for him by cooking his
favorite combo, shrimp and lobster, every day (free of
charge, of course). The chef knew that an okinomiyaki
okinomiyaki --> okonomiyaki
Oki? Oki.
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.
a day didn't amount to the repair bill, but it was a
start in mending the fences. A few days after the
wedding fiasco, she'd apologized openly to Nodoka.
Ukyo lovers: (nods in approval of your accurate portrayal of dear St. Ukyo)
Another
point in her favor was the level of restraint she'd
shown; instead of using explosive gunpowder that
could've really hurt people, she'd opted for what
amounted to harmless flashbangs.
She did? So terrorists win? (rereads the manga, then looks up 'flashbang' in
Wikipedia) Hmmm.
...Er, she _did_ use explosive gunpowder in her okonomiyaki bombs. It was her
"modern, celebratory _gunpowder_ okonomiyaki", Ukyo said. Just how celebratory,
she wouldn't say.
It's your story, of course, and you can certainly change things around if you
really want to. Just be aware that doing so may set off the "author hasn't read
the series on which the fic is supposed to be based" alarm in the readers'
minds. Make changes knowingly rather than out of ignorance, and only when they
really serve your story.
Initially, Ukyo suspected that it was some new martial
arts technique that he was trying to learn; however
when she called him on it, his answers were vague and
uninformative, quickly followed by him trying to
change the subject.
Ranma: After seeing Ranko... I wanna be a girl too!
FFML: OOC!
Gee, I dunno about that... the OOC crack, I mean. With how many times Ranma's
dressed up as a girl and used her feminine charms almost shamelessly, I
sincerely have my doubts.
Ranma: Hey, I was joking!
(not listening) Just how do you sleep at night after pretending you're a girl?
Just how many times have you dressed like a girl for Ryoga? Maybe there really
is a 'Ranko' inside you...
Ranma: Shut up.
The first person she'd asked was Akane, who, out of
all of Ranma's 'fiancees' was the one she liked the
most. Their relationship could be seen as a much
friendlier version of Ranma and Ryoga's rivalry.
(shrugs) Yeah. According to fandom... definitely yes.
Surprisingly, the youngest Tendo had shaken her head
and had told Ukyo that Ranma didn't see fit to tell
her where he went. Then, she'd growled under her
breath and threatened to smash some sense of
responsibility into Ranma's brain. Ukyo had wisely
left before Akane could work herself into a blinding
fury.
Ah sou. Er, this is a post-manga (as well as post-Equal Halves) story, correct?
I think most of Akane's supposed 'anger management' issues have been toned-down
at this point, now that Ranma has confessed to her and all. The most she's
willing to do to him now is a (relatively normal for them) shouting match.
She signed. Some things never changed.
And I don't really concur with that at all.
/**********/
Joel Robinson (MST3K): Hey! Somebody's left gym equipment here!
Akane grinned in satisfaction, letting her rant die
out as she watched Ukyo disappear around the corner.
Ah. Nice misdirection ploy. Hell, I fell for it.
Unbeknownst to the rest of the NWC,
(wince) I hate the title 'Nerima Wrecking Crew' with all its fandom
connotations the same way Ian Andreas Miller hates the titles 'Inner and Outer
Senshi' or the same way I equally hate the fangirl term 'fluffy-chan' to refer
to Sesshoumaru. As such, I strongly discourage you using this term in your fic.
D-X: (tells the NWC to suck it)
They (the 'NWC') certainly never referred to themselves that way, and people
never call them that. I can accept NWC in an email conversation, a bulletin
board discussion, most anything really, but not in a fanfic that's not a
spamfic. It's because it utterly destroys my 'suspension of disbelief'.
They both owed Ranko so much.
Hey, they should give themselves credit as well, with Ranma finally confessing
and all. Besides, Deborah Goldsmith clearly didn't intend to write a twin
sister sue fic that has Ranko solve each and every one of Ranma and the Tendos'
problems.
These days, Akane found herself willing to trust Ranma
a little bit more than she had in the past. Even with
his disappearance at lunchtime didn't faze her that
I don't think you need the 'with' in between 'Even' and 'his disappearance'.
It's extraneous and it ruins an otherwise perfectly-good sentence.
She slipped the small piece of paper that Ranma had
given Sayuri to give to her out from her notebook and
She slipped _what_ that was given by whom so that she could give to _who_ now?
Suggest revising that sentence so that it actually makes sense, i.e. into
smaller parts. A sentence should have _one_ strong thought, and not have
several minor thoughts forcefully squished together.
/**********/
Crow (from MST3K, as the 'Governator'): Lets pomp yu aap, yah!
"Stupid idiots. Don't they got somethin' better ta
-_- It's the return of the New York Accent Ranma. Personally, I would suggest
against it. Why? Because it's distracting and basically unnecessary.
So Ranma's avoiding the NWC while speaking with an NYC accent. Word.
Home TV Shopping: Having trouble with your fanfic characterization? Not to
worry! Substitute your botchy characterization with Accents(tm)! Accents(tm) is
a product designed to whack the reader's head on just who's talking without the
tediousness of following 'canon precedents' and 'believable characterization'!
Just have a look at what some of our satisfied customers have to say:
Luna (Sailor Moon dub): I was a talking cat, for goodness sakes! How can the
producers ever characterize a talking guardian cat like myself? But thanks to
my bloody London Accent(tm), I don't need to share some bloody insights and
words of wisdom to sound important! Thank you, Accents(tm)! Oh look, it's tea
time....
Kenshin (Rurouni Kenshin fanfic): Oro? Sessha wa rurouni de gozaru.
Chou (Rurouni Kenshin fanfic): Yeehaw! I have an geeenuine 'Oh-sakan' accent,
translated directly from Japanese! Thanks, Accents(tm)! Holla back, y'hear? See
ya'll! What's up, girlfriend? Now don't be square now! Peace 'n love, brotha!
do? If I didn't learn th' Goshin-Dai-Ryu-Sei-Fu,
J.K. Rowling: (considers suing)
Rumiko Takahashi: Used it way before you did, honey.
(snorts) In fanfic, the term '_Sealed_ Techniques' doesn't mean squat. (sighs
in remembrance at the time a guy commented that Rumiko Takashi simply 'forgot'
Ranma's last 'power-up')
via roof-tops
rooftops (dictionary-verifiable word/d-v-w, no need for the hyphen)
Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!).
had been amazingly clear of any NWC
presence.
(wince)
His plan was going smoothly, which was a
first.
That, admittedly, is very much true.
It seemed safe, at least for the moment. Ranma
mentally jotted down the last known location and
status of each person.
Akane Tendo, currently at Furinkan High. The only
person who knew where he was.
Nabiki Tendo, currently at Furinkan High. Ukyo Kuonji,
currently at Furinkan High.
Tatewaki Kuno, currently at Furinkan High. Xian-Pu,
out making deliveries. As of now, last seen three and
a half blocks ago.
Will you look at that? A Ranma/Terminator fusion.
Kodachi Kuno, last seen five minutes ago, laughing
maniacally and snapping her ribbon while bounding
rooftop to rooftop.
See? You're using the d-v-w rooftop (sans hyphen) here, but a while ago you
used 'roof-top'. Be consistent.
Ranma grinned in satisfaction. What he was doing now
was something really private, and he wanted to keep it
a secret from certain individuals who would try their
hardest to ruin his day.
...Not intentionally, though. Except Mousse, but he doesn't count.
He was in no mood for anyone
butting in his business.
(shrugs) I believe you can get away with, 'butting in in', so suggest adding
that extra 'in'.
Just to be sure, he scanned the rooftops around him;
thankfully, it remained clear. Ranma looked down to
Since you're using double spaces after each sentence; you're missing a space in
between 'clear.' and 'Ranma'.
make sure he wouldn't be landing on someone and hopped
on down. A few people looked at him with boggled
eyes, but for the most part, Ranma's seemingly inhuman
act was casually ignored. This was Nerima after all.
I have heard the oft-said point that in the manga (hell, even the anime),
people continually boggled at Ranma's antics. And, last time I checked, they
sure did boggle a lot _every time_. Sure, they didn't call the police or
anything, but their reactions were far from 'casually ignoring' Ranma.
Kobayakawa Yuriko Phone: (565) 107-9644 Address:
25th Yakami Street, Nerima
Hmmm. A distant relative of Miyuki? Or a fusion of Miyuki and Yoriko Bokuto
precinct's resident megane-chan?
Megane (Lum): Eyng?
Megane (Slam Dunk): Eyng?
Megane (6.7): Eyng?
Heck, is she in cahoots with Yumiko Takahashi and Deborah Goldman? :P
decided that a more direct approach was needed. Thus,
the reason why he'd utilized the
Goshin-Dai-Ryu-Sei-Fu, and, thus the reason why he was
Formatting problems, suggest: putting the 'Goshin-Dai-Ryu-Sei-Fu,' word beside
the 'he'd utilized the' line, coz that line was a bit too short.
Fourteen feet to go. Things looked okay....so far.
Suggest: not putting the last period in the ellipsis (coz that terminates the
ellipsis and makes the sentence into a standalone one)
That is: Things looked okay... so far.
Ever since Ranko had helped discover his talent for
playing the violin,
News to me. From what I remember, Ranma vaguely thought, "Hey, I would have
liked to play that (the violin)." Or, as Ranma 'The Fonz' Saotome would say,
"'ey, I woulda like ta play dat."
Ranma had been slowly, yet
steadily growing aware of how focused he'd been on the
martial arts. In all consideration, the violin was
probably his first hobby that he truly enjoyed;
So should Genma have stolen Ranma a violin when he was a kid or what?
With the ruined wedding constantly serving as a hard
reminder,
I agree with the fic. It is serving the ruined wedding as a hard reminder... to
the reader. Jeez, can you give it up with the constant references with the
wedding. We get it already, sheesh.
Ranma knew that should knowledge of his
whereabouts be out on the 'market', he could count on
his rivals and other fiancees' on their interference.
Same here. Subtlety, at times, can be a good thing. No need to repeatedly hit
the reader on the head with an event that has already been referenced more than
enough times earlier.
Thus the reason why Nabiki was kept in the dark.
Yar. Yes, yes, you've already told me that...
Thus
the reason for all his sneaking around.
(sighs)
Thank Kami-sama, it looked like he'd arrived at the
front door of her home, miraculously without being
Thank Kami-sama, it looks like his repetitive train of thought has finally been
derailed.
Finally, there was a response. A faint "Haaaaaai!
Matte kudasai [1]!"
Oh boy... This is going to be a loooong night. (ahem) Please do cut the fanboy
Japanese. It's extraneous, and there really isn't much point to this.
Furthermore, its use is mostly limited to newbies, along with having a
geocities account and using MIDI themes on each page (I was guilty of all three
counts).
Grammar Rule #12: Foreign words and phrases are not always apropos.
came from within the house. A
moment later, the door opened and a slender,
middle-aged women
woman
Woman: Middle-aged? MIDDLE-AGED?! You make me sound so OLD! How dare you!
"Errrr, I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry 'bout this."
Hmmm. Cliche one-liner, check.
All that trouble he'd gone through, sneaking around,
making sure he wasn't followed, being paranoid.....
Um, ellipsis _do_ have a standard form (three periods), so just punching as
many periods as you like to indicate an ellipsis is just not kosher.
Simply put, she couldn't teach him. And not because
she had too many students, not because he looked,
acted, and sounded like a barely educated jock,
barely-educated jock (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
Unlike Ranko's version of her, Kobayakawa Yuriko in
HIS world wasn't a teacher; she was a performer.
Ah. That makes sense. Hmmm, forgot about her (if Kobayakawa-sensei really were
in Equal Halves). But that's just me concentrating on silly little details like
Nodoka and Ranko having a extremely dramatic moment.
And besides which, Ranko-san had told him that she was
leasing a violin for someone .... who was it?
Suggest: someone... Who was it?
["Ummm, she /is/ my identical twin, but... she's quite
a tomboy, actually."]
See here, _Ranko_ uses the ellipsis far more effectively than you do.
shirt along with black silk pants. What were commonly
called as "kung-fu slippers" completed the girl's
O_O If it's commonly called kung-fu slippers, why is this the first time I
heard of it called that way?
apparel.
Nishi smiled warmly at her, "Good afternoon Miss
Suggest: "Good afternoon, Miss
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
Ranma Saotome was very uncomfortable visiting a place
she'd never thought herself going to.
Um, "she'd never thought herself going to" sounds a tad awkward. Suggest
replacing 'thought' with something more appropriate; like, say, "imagine".
After all,
being on the road for more than ten years focusing
only on martial arts, as well as having a martial arts
obsessed father
Suggest: martial arts-obsessed (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
for a role model, doesn't exactly
encourage a child to develop hobbies or other
interests.
Gee, I dunno. The way Ranma's obsessed (and good at with) Martial Arts may have
stemmed with his dad, but the way he grabbed the ball and ran with it is
indicative of how much he truly did love Martial Arts.
Genma: (nods sagely)
Stupid panda.
Genma: Puh. You know you liked it. Who's your daddy?
Ranma: (punts Genma) I ain't playin' this game.
But, however, Nishi-san's kind aura (who was as far as
you could get from the majority of adults in her life)
was helping her to relax a little.
The digression enclosed in parenthesis should be placed after 'relax a little',
and not after 'kind aura'.
know Ranma had a Jhusenkyou curse.
I suggest: Jusenkyou
I prefer: Jusenkyo
I dislike: Jhusenkyou
Yar.
Quickly banishing the annoyance, Ranma returned his
Suggest: banishing her annoyance, Ranma returned Nishi-san's
smile and gave her customary introduction.
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry 'bout this."
(sigh) Aw, c'mon! Common in fanfics and common for people who have watched over
and over the introductory anime episode/read over and over the first issue of
Ranma 1/2! But besides that, as far as Ranma is concerned, he has only said it
just about... once. Really. Or not really, since 'sumimasen' is such a common
and staple word in the ever-polite Japanese society the same way 'I' is a
common word in the western world. Tsk. Nevertheless, it's still woefully
cliche.
Thankful at not having to explain some of the aspects
of her life, though slight as they were, Ranma
frantically nodded four times. "Yeah, umm, it's 'bout
that! Ya see, I'm here ta pay th' second payment fer
it!
Nishi-san: what
"That's correct," Nishi confirmed, his eyes widening a
bit. "But, Miss Saotome, the second payment isn't
Extra space in between 'Saotome,' and 'the'
Technically, it was Akane and her money combined, but
Get rid of the extra space before 'Technically'.
Nishi-san didn't need to know that. Just like he
didn't know that living with someone like Nabiki
Tendou often resulted in leaving a person broke a good
90% of the time.
90% --> ninety percent
Grammar Rule #fifty-six: Usually, it's better to spell numbers out, but
sometimes that isn't the case.
Ranma knew that her specialty was adapting to events
as they happened, not long term strategy
long-term (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
Ranma answered in a prideful tone, "I'm th' heir to
th' Anything Goes School of Martial Arts."
Nishi-san: Dear me, you should do something about that lisp!
Ranma: Ith fine, th'okay?
Ranma instantly recalled the single match they had,
which she'd won, naturally, but it had led to her
beginning to respect Ranko's skill.
Suggest: Get rid of 'to her beginning', it's extraneous and confusing. Go with,
"naturally, but it had led her to respect Ranko's skill."
A rueful smile appeared on Ranma's face. "Last I
heard, she's doin' okay. Her violin's comin' along
pretty nicely." The pigtailed girl inwardly winced.
Major formatting error above. Large space in between 'nicely."' and 'The
pigtailed girl'. Fix it.
Lying to another person was never easy for her.
Sheesh, then just say, "I dunno. I haven't heard from her."
after all. If a person looked at it that way, it
wasn't really a lie more like an educated guess.
Revise: lie, more like an educated guess.
Suggest: lie; more like an educated guess.
Or: lie - more like an educated guess.
"I can imagine." Nishi-san's eyes grew distant as he
called forth the memory of a redhead in a dress,
standing almost exactly where Ranma was, and
masterfully playing the violin. "It's a real shame
she had to leave Nerima.... Listening to her playing
Revise: Nerima... Listening
If you really wanted to terminate the ellipsis with a period, then I'd have to
ask: why bother putting the ellipsis there in the first place?
Grammar Rule #49: Use the ellipsis (...) to indicate missing...
"Ya better believe it," Ranma said with a smirk.
"That girl's gonna be th' best violinist there ever
was." Contrary to common knowledge, it really wasn't
that hard for Ranma to actually compliment another
person's abilities. In this case, she considered
Ranko and herself to be almost one and the same, and
in that light, it surely wasn't hard for Ranma to
compliment herself.
You know what this fic lacks? Subtlety. Show, not tell. Starting with the part,
'Contrary to common knowledge', you've been journalizing things that the reader
can quite easily glean from the whole paragraph itself. The true meaning of
'show, not tell' is to describe the action and drop hints on what you're trying
to convey without outright telling/narrative/journalizing to the reader your
intent. It's a challenge, for sure, and most of the time what you're hinting at
will go over most reader's heads; but mastering it gets you a step closer to,
well, a much for fun end product for the reader's part.
A silence fell upon the two of them.
Extra space in between 'upon' and 'the'.
The storeowner
Wow. Who would have thought that 'storeowner' is a d-v-w? Huh. (lists it down)
Like before, there was another flinch, causing him to
chuckle inwardly. Tomboy indeed.
(grumble) Yeah, I get it. He thinks she's a tomboy. Ranma flinches every time
he insinuates she's a girl. Can we move on?
"Domo," Ranma said, accepting the little piece of
Ranma: (singing) DOMO ARIGATO, MR. ROBOTO! MATA AH-OO MINA DE!
Scratch an old man's itch and all that, if you don't
mind."
Ranma: Ew.
Ranma fidgeted and was surprised to find herself
uncertain. "I dunno.....
Revise: I dunno...
Suggest: I dunno.
The young Saotome found herself in an unfamiliar
quandary. If it were a martial arts technique, she
would've had no problems agreeing to that request and
show-off
showoff (d-v-w, no need for the hyphen)
If that's the problem, then all she really needs to do is _make_ it a Martial
Arts technique. Or fight a Martial Artist that uses the Violin as a combat
technique.
Ban Mido: (shrugs) Don't look at me.
"Umm, okay how 'bout this.
Revise: "Umm, okay. How 'bout this?"
Suggest: "Umm, okay... How 'bout this?"
Nishi thought it over for a bit, and his smile
deepened. Nodding in acceptance, he said, "That
Extra space after 'he said,'
sounds great, Ranma-chan. Though I must say it's been
a while since I've played but I think I can still
handle it."
Methinks you need a comma after 'but' to add a natural pause.
Her face coloring, she closed her eyes, berating
herself silently. "Um, Nishi-san, my violin's at
home. Sorry 'bout that. I completely forgot."
God, this fic's pacing needs work. Get on with it already! Make her play! I
know there's such a thing as 'milking the moment', but for heaven's sake, this
is ridiculous!
Ranma had barely finished her sentence when she felt
something being pushed into her hands. Opening her
eyes, she saw a full-sized violin, in fact, one of
violin; in fact, one of
those she'd been looking at. The price tag named it
at 2,800 yen per month.
Suggest: two thousand, eight hundred yen
It's Grammar Rule #fifty-six all over again.
Nishi said in barely suppressed curiosity,
barely-suppressed (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
"There you
go, Ranma-chan. Problem solved." "Arigato,
Suggest: putting the latter '"Arigato,' parts into a separate paragraph. Just
so they won't look all that cluttered.
motionless, an unconscious yet happy grin plastered
openly on her normally reserved face.
That is, Ranma had a normally reserved face when she was contemplating playing
the piece, so 'normally' isn't really the term I would suggest to use in that
particular instance. Heck, I suggest you just get rid of 'normally' altogether
to avoid confusing readers with what you meant to convey.
Ranma couldn't put it in words but like now, every
time she learned a new song on the violin, it felt a
little like when she mastered a difficult martial arts
technique. Not as strong, but at the same time
strangely fulfilling. It made her feel like she
accomplished something important, making her want to
learn more, so she could do more.
I like that paragraph. There are, after all, instances where 'tell, not show'
is effective in narrating messages and subtleties that a reader cannot easily
glean from the subject matter.
"I know that song, Ranma-chan," he began. "Pop Goes
the Weasel, isn't it?"
(facefault)
Ranma carefully handed the violin back over to him.
"Is that what it's called?" she asked. "I didn't know
that. Like I said, I only heard it bein' played on
some American comedy in black and white; The Three
Bakas, I think the name was.
U-huh. Riiiight.
said, "I mean, did you learn it just by listening to
it and copying what you heard?"
Sounds exactly like Ranma to me.
idea suddenly occurred to him. "I doubt that....but
that... but
Whatever Nishi-san was doing took him quite some time.
When he finally reemerged, he was clutching a sheet
Extra space before 'When'.
"Mo-Mozart? Bwahahahahaha! Heheheh...who in their
Revise: Heheheh... Who in their
I don't get it.
that Ranma was a beginner of beginners, having only
learned the basics of playing the violin and obviously
not knowing a thing about the classical music genre.
Nishi-san should have her listen to the famous Asian chick that also plays
violin whose name escapes me at the moment... Her or Yoyo Ma.
Ranma: (rides the giggle train) Yoyo Ma? Who names their kid YOYO?
BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
Insight gripped Ranma. "Ya mean Bach as in that Bach
Partita?" "Yes, the one and the same. Now, as I was
saying...."
Revise: saying..."
Suggest: separating the latter "Yes, the one and the same. Now, as I was
saying..." into a separate paragraph. For easier reading.
let you borrow the Mozart tape, and this sheetmusic
Suggest: sheet music
Ignoring the temptation to roll his eyes at the
teenager's paranoia,
Please fix this fic's redundancy problems. Yeah, I know _I'm_ quite redundant
myself with these reminders, but what I'm writing is C&C, not fic. Besides, I
want to drive the point to the ground that _you_ don't have to drive your point
to the ground when it comes to fics, or else you'll bore your reader to death.
In short, give the 'temptation to roll his eyes' thing a rest and come up with
something fresh and new to convey Nishi's exasperation.
sheetmusic,
Suggest: sheet music
I would like to hear you play the entire
song next time you come back. Is that okay?"
Can't wait for the time when Ranma learns how to play the theme for Psycho.
When she'd left
school, Akane had been overheard telling Yuka and
Revise: Akane was overheard telling Yuka and
Sounds easier on the ears, IMO.
The chef had just shaken her head in sympathy and
The chef shook her head in sympathy
Ditto here.
Though she was growling loudly and her eyes were
flashing with murder, Ukyo somehow controlled her urge
to smash him flat with her spatula,
Damn, your fic's characters have lots of urges.
Again, redundancy problems. You're overusing the 'resisting the urge' shtick.
Come up with something new and fresh so that your prose flow doesn't drag too
much.
A look of hesitation appeared on the young Saotome's
face, then quite uncharacteristically (at least when
Extra space in between 'quite' and 'uncharacteristically'.
it came to food), it hardened into a stare of pure
It was uncharacteristic of Ranma to have a stare of pure resolve when it came
to food? I disagree...
Akane: Ranma, I made breakfast!
Ranma: (his face hardened into a stare of pure resolve) Must run away...
The martial arts okinomiyaki
okinomiyaki --> okonomiyaki
chef was surprised but
decided to test the limits of her fiancee's resolve.
Suggest: surprised, but
"Aw come on, Ran-chan! You can tell your cute
fiancee, right? How does four special okinomiyakis
(cringe) First off, it's 'okonomiyaki'. Secondly, plural Japanese words should
not have English plural forms unless they've been adopted into the English
language (simply put, 'samurais' and 'tsunamis' are grammatically correct
words, 'sempais' and 'katas' are not). It's because they're Japanese words, and
therefore do not _have_ plural forms.
sound to you?" She flashed a heart-warming
heartwarming (d-v-w, hyphen janai)
smile, one
that would have knocked any other boy dead.
Jose Argao: (knocked dead)
But then
again, despite discovering her true gender after all
those years, her Ran-chan seemed to view her as one of
the guys, and an old childhood friend.
Puh. Not this again. Let's get things straight. Calling Ukyo cute is hardly the
actions of a guy who is freaked out by her 'suddenly bein' a girl!' and thinks
she's just 'one of the guys' (though the 'old childhood friend' theory is
spot-on). Ranma hasn't thought of Ukyo as a guy since he accidentally copped a
feel towards the end of her origin story. Ranma went on a date with Ukyo
shortly afterwards and again during the Nabiki as Fiancee storyline. In the
Secret Sauce storyline, Ranma's reactions to a fully dressed Ukyo in the
bathroom and his bedroom prove he knows she's a girl. Ranma went out of his way
to make sure Ukyo still loved him in the Reversal Jewel storyline.
An argument can be made in regards to Ukyo _feeling_ that Ranma thinks of her
as just one of the guys, but since they've dated, I'm not so sure about that
point. I guess the whole concept was also derived from Episode 51, "Ukyo's
Skirt! The Great Girly-Girl Gambit," where Ranma insisted that she's just a
friend. But on the very same episode, Ranma definitely realized that Ukyo
wasn't really just 'one of the guys', despite her (theoretical) assumption
otherwise. Also, in the Reversal Gem arc, Ranma even got Ukyo to confess she
loved him so that he'd be reassured of his, er, charm. Again, something that a
normal person wouldn't do to a girl that's 'just a friend'.
As soon as Ukyo said the word 'special', Ranma's taste
buds instantly began to salivate. Although he ate
lunch only three hours ago, his stomach told him in no
uncertain terms that the offer sounded REALLY good.
You really have a way with spelling things out for the reader, huh?
His mouth opened and the word 'Yes' were at the tip of
Revise: word, 'Yes' was at the tip of
his tongue when all of a sudden.....
sudden...
A lone memory floated up; his mom's house, destroyed
Suggest: A lone memory surfaced in the back of his mind; (a li'l suggestion to
pepper-up your prose)
just because his other fiancees and rivals wouldn't
allow it.
Allow 'it'? Allow what? What's 'it'?
Suggest: fiancees and rivals wouldn't allow his wedding to happen.
There are times when you just have to spell things out for the reader, as well
as times when you have to show, not tell the reader what's happening.
Ranma's mind instantly hit the brakes and his stomach
wailed in protest, but for once, it was no contest.
As the old saying went, it was mind over matter, and
with Ranma's willpower enforcing this particular
decision, the urge to stuff his face was squelched.
;_; Mommy, make the repetitious narrative stop! It's hurting my eyes!
(ahem) Take a gander at these, friend:
Grammar Rule #9: Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies endlessly
over and over again.
Grammar Rule #25: Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth
earth-shaking ideas.
Grammar Rule #33: Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
It's not wrong to repeat an idea to drive a point, but keep in mind that such
well-intentioned redundancies can be grating even to a reader of fanfic. Your
prose reads like it was written by Mojo Jojo, dude.
Mojo Jojo: I do not write like that! My sentences are brief, concise, to the
point...
Just like my C&C, your narrative has a tendency to repeat a particular point
many times, giving an unnecessary blow-by-blow of the action that can be more
than a bit jarring to the reader. In my case, even though you can see a lot of
redundancies and repetitions here in my reply (this whole rant is a fine
example of it), it doesn't really matter because this wasn't written to be
readable and enjoyable (as opposed to, say, Megane 6.7's MSTs). OTOH, to have
your fic read like my C&C when it comes to hitting the reader repeatedly on the
head with ham-fisted, meandering, and redundant prose is a bad thing, methinks.
Indeed, though my C&C lacks it, I believe that "Brevity is wit." Being 'brief,
concise, to the point' is where it's at when it comes to narration.
Breathing out deeply, Ranma wiped sweat off his brow;
Suggest: wiped the sweat (add 'the' in between 'wiped' and 'sweat')
Ukyo was completely amazed when Ranma, whom she'd
expected to immediately snatch up her offer, just
shook his head and smiled ruefully. His following
words shocked her.
Suggest: Getting rid of the 'expected' part and simplify the sentence to merely
convey Ukyo's shock at Ranma'
s rejection of her offer.
Nodoka Saotome was sitting at the dinner table and
idly chatting with Kasumi about one recipe or another.
Narrative Prose: (can't be bothered to find out)
She, like Akane, was still a bit depressed at being
Revise: at --> of
She really appreciated that. There was only so much
pain she could handle, and daily seeing Ranma's cursed
form - a mirror image of Ranko, sans pigtail - would
have probably pushed her into a fresh bout of weeping.
Wow. I like this plot point. It's very apt. Though just _how_ Ranma managed to
not get splashed is a mystery to me.
Ranma: Feh. I did it with the same reason why I always get splashed... pure
dumb luck.
"Tadaima!" Speaking of Ranma....
(wince) Ano ne... what's wrong with, "I'm home!" or "I'm back!"?
He gave her a faint grin in response; judging by his
relatively relaxed manner, Nodoka was able to guess
that he had a rare, trouble free day.
trouble-free (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
"Well," he began, automatically kicking off his
slippers and entering the house. "It was all right;
better than most, I guess. Besides Kuno-sempai, no
one bothered me." He paused and looked at the eldest
Tendo daughter. "How about ya, Kasumi-neechan? How
was yer day?"
"It was quite educational, Ranma-kun. Your mother
really taught me a lot today. I can't wait to try out
one of things I learned for dinner tonight."
Ranma gave her a wink. "Whatever it is, I'm sure it
will be delicious." He smiled at her, then hatched
the question he wanted to ask. "Umm, Kasumi-neechan?"
For good or for ill, this conversation reminds me of 'Pleasantville' before the
people started gaining 'color' in their lives... or an after-school special.
Either of the two or both. It's as dreary and wholesome as a Hallmark card,
aaand... just as boring and pointless, truth be told. Pick up the pace, fic. A
simple, "And so Ranma asked Kasumi for her cassette tape and Ranma got it,"
would suffice, especially since Ranma and Kasumi's uneventful discussion didn't
really add much to the story.
Walking back out of the kitchen with the tape player
in hand, Ranma turned to his mom and asked, "Hey, mom,
if 'Kane comes home,
Ah. It's the return of 'Kane!
'Kane: RANMA NO BAKA! I told you not to say, "May 19th!" (chokeslams Ranma
three times)
Nodoka agreed to do so; Ranma thanked her and left.
Your fic has the same tendency as Peter Gallagher's fic, "To be a Tomboy" in
regards to dragging prose. Most of the whole scene after the scene break can be
summarized in one or two sentences, but you've instead opted to unnecessarily
lengthen the scene by describing each and every mundane action and dialogue
that Ranma and Kasumi did (as opposed to Nodoka's introspective scenes, which
_did_ add to the story in regards to how she's been coping with Ranko's return
to her own dimension).
The older woman nodded absently, focusing on Ranma's
request. There was no doubt about that it had
something to do with the violin. This led to her
thinking about Ranko, reawakening an ache in her
heart. She missed her 'daughter' horribly and was
constantly amazed at the amount of influence she had
on Ranma during her brief visit.
I'm still surprised Ranma didn't turn it into "Combat Survival Musical
Performance," but what the hey. I suppose it was done to keep up with the
'Genma's Daughter' theme of the 'Equal Halves' fic. (wonders if the other shoe
will finally drop as the story progresses and a Saffron-like, musically-themed
baddie will come along to fight Ranma)
Ban Mido: Be serious. This isn't that sort of fic.
Besides, as she was slowly
beginning to discover herself, what parent could NOT
be proud when their son showed great promise in more
than one area?
I agree. That's so very true.
Genma Saotome was not a happy camper. Sure, he'd
enjoyed having a real life 'daughter', though at the
time, he didn't really show it. But it was obvious to
him that Ranko had been a bad influence on the boy.
Heh. Finally, the story has picked up with a believable antagonist of its own.
Go conflict!
It seemed to him that these days, Ranma was spending
more time with that violin than he was practicing the
Art.
Genma: He's not even scared of my "Hell's Cradle" technique anymore! He's
accepted his feminine side so much that he's willing to do a man-to-man hug
with dear ol' dad! This is bad. This is definitely bad. (ponders)
He'd considered the matter carefully (well, what
passed as carefully for him).
Hmmm. My Genma-bashing sense is tingling!
Although Genma did
acknowledge the fact that everyday they sparred in the
morning and evening, he somehow failed to notice that
it'd been a while since he'd won.
Not so. Since you're using manga continuity, let me remind you of the short
"Hell's Cradle" story arc (Volume 21, Part 3 of the manga), where Genma's
well-aware of Ranma's increase of skill. He's also well-aware that he still has
one or two things left to teach his son, and it's not because he's 'ignorant of
the facts' or anything. Of course, as long as he can get away with stealing
Ranma's food, he'll never really see Ranma as an equal. :P
In fact, if Genma
had cared to think back on it further, he would've
been alarmed that more often than not, for almost a
month straight he had been losing to his son.
9_9 Oh, give me a break...
But since he didn't think about those other facts,
In my case, I would find it more believable if Genma saw Ranma's constant
violin practice as a detriment to the high-level of martial arts prowess he had
attained when he beat the (IMO over-hyped and overrated) Saffron. I have no
doubt that he already realizes that Ranma has bested him by leaps and bounds by
this time (he already knew as much when he developed the 'Hell's Cradle'
technique waaay back halfway through the manga), but that doesn't necessarily
mean that he has nothing left for Ranma to teach. Genma's very perceptive when
it comes to martial arts, and he's a helluva good teacher of it to boot (just
look at the fruits of his labor), so 'ring-rust' because Ranma has his
attention divided into the musical arts and the martial arts is a more
acceptable reason for him than, say, 'not thinking over other facts'.
In other words, get rid of the personal, biased opinions of the narrative and
just show, not tell, Genma's ponderings. The last thing the reader needs is a
journalizing narrative that presents just _one_ particular, forgone conclusion.
The reader can think for himself, thank you very much.
he
focused on the part that struck a chord of fear within
him, thus alerting the same survival instincts that
had forced him to have Ranma to hide from his mother.
Revise: him to hide Ranma from his mother
Genma reasoned that should Ranma continue this hobby
of his, there was a very good possibility that he
might abandon martial arts for it.
Or, at the very least, a very good possibility for Ranma to lose the 'Martial
Arts God' status that many a rabid Ranma 1/2 fan would contend in an anime
forum.
And that would
mean.... his nightmares would come true.
Seppuku.
Your portrayal of Genma is nonsensical, methinks.
Although Nodoka had accepted Ranma as being more than
manly enough, Genma still a bit wary of her.
Revise: Genma was still a bit wary of her. (Missing word: add 'was' in between
'Genma' and 'still')
Genma didn't know about his son, but he for one liked
his head as it was, attached and all, and would like
to enjoy it that way for a long time to come.
No, in order to preserve his life, Ranma's father
decided that he would have to take action.
Ah, yes. The selfish version of Genma. Since you're using manga continuity, why
portray Genma as _that_ selfish? Again, my Genma-bashing senses are kicking
in... which is ironic, because lots of people also labeled "Genma's Daughter"
as a Genma-bashing fic as well. Let me just warn you that putting in those
heavily-prejudiced remarks on what's supposed to be an impartial narrative can
ruin the story for a lot of readers. Don't tell us what you think, fic, let us
decide for ourselves what to think. Just show us what's happening.
Ranma sat in the middle of the dojo, his violin, the
cassette and the sheetmusic
Suggest: sheet music
dinner, he would tackle the sheetmusic.
Suggest: sheet music
behind him. Without looking around, he sighed out
loud and said, "Yeah Pops? Whaddaya want?"
Suggest: Yeah, Pops?
Genma's tone of voice got on Ranma's nerves, but he
shrugged it off, determined to do what he wanted for a
change.
Huh? Ranma always does what he wants. That's usually where most of his problems
start.
Making a show of ignoring his father, he
began playing the first few notes.
This, of course, made Genma more than a little
annoyed.
Heh. I have a mental image of Genma attacking and then getting his butt
trounced by the time the 'Pop' in 'Pop goes the Weasel' is played.
Genma: (groaning) I'm Ranma's 'Pop'. Get it?
"Cheeky boy! Show some respect for your elders!" he
roared, unleashing a kick at Ranma's head.
(resists temptation of putting in a 'Cheeky Girls' joke)
/**********/
Nodoka and Kasumi's conversation was briefly
interrupted by an identified flying martial artist.
"Yaaaaaaaaahhhh----!"
<Splash!>
Got to love 'em onomatopoeias! But thing is, I don't.
And the koi pond claimed yet another victim.
And here we have another lovely cliche. In regards to cliche, its erroneousness
isn't the fact that it almost never happens in actual canon material, it's just
that doesn't happen as often as people perceive. Overuse of cliche is needless
exaggeration, pure and simple. Overcoming the cliche and coming up with decent
plot points that doesn't give readers the feeling that they've been there and
read that, now _that's_ a challenge that writers should strive for.
Pffft. Well, I've been rereading through the manga up until the final volume,
and so far the grand total of times the koi pond claimed a victim after such a
long time would be... fifteen. And quite a lot of it was from volume 1. At the
very least, Rumiko Takahashi doesn't overuse a cliche running gag to the
hundreds like in fanfic, ne?
it really too much to ask for the two men in her life
to have a respectable, proper father-son relationship?
Suggest: respectable and proper
with little difficulty, managed to effectively mangle
the name of the first song.
Heh.
"Eine Kleine Nachtmusik (KV 525, Allegro)."
"Huh, weird name," he remarked out loud. Placing it
in the tape player, he closed the cassette tray and
hovered his finger above the 'play' button.
"Okay, Mozart-san, let's see whatcha got."
End Chapter 1
Author's Notes:
I have a feeling that the chapter is too fast. Please
help me with that, if you will.
Goody, goody. Sure, why not? But I must tell you now, the length of a story
does not make up for its lack of quality. A good story is a good story, whether
it's under spamfic range or a hundred-chapter monster. I have a feeling that
your impression of this chapter being 'too fast' was what prompted you to
unnecessarily lengthen and drag the scenes in the story. As such, don't do
that.
I remember that, in 'A Saotome in Smallville', I complained that it was a bit
too dragging for my tastes. Though the same thing has happened in this fic, I
must admit that you _are_ improving. At the very least, you're going in the
right direction, and this fic of yours contains quite a bit of worthwhile drama
to boot.
Dave Wong
a.k.a. DarkWing
"Let's get dangerous"
Darkwing Duck: I suspect fowl play here!
If you consider this as a flame or 'needlessly mean-spirited and willfully
ignorant of the subject matter', then be my guest. Laugh at this C&C. Glad to
be your source of entertainment.
Hmmm. Let's see. First off, I was led to believe that you have a footnote for
the extraneous 'Matte kudasai' fanboy Japanese terms, yet here we are, and no
footnotes.
The Hurricane (WWE): WHATSUPWIDAT!?
But forget the footnotes. Second of all, and I really, really want to emphasize
this...
Mariko the Cheerleader (Ranma 1/2): Ready? Okay! P-R-O-O-F-R-E-A-D! It keeps
your fics from reading crappy! YAY!
Proofread. It takes care of those avoidable, brain fart mistakes like
Deborah Goldman and okinomiyakis. Though you probably already know this, it
needs to be said: read your dialogue out loud. This is the best indication
you'll ever have of if it sounds right, makes sense, and flows properly. If it
feels weird to say it, chances are that it'll feel very weird to read it. Also,
let it percolate. If you have time, let it sit for a few weeks, then read it
over. Without what you think you wrote in fresh in your mind, you'll have a
much better chance of catching strange misspellings, nonsensical sentences, and
other problems. If you've just written the story, it's very difficult to edit
it yourself because you know exactly what it should say; so you read what you
think you wrote, rather than what you actually wrote.
MC Hammer: ~Doorooroo--Stop. GRAMMAR TIME!~
And now I present my Big-Ass List of Grammar Rules that you've broken/ignored:
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes. (Something that need
not be stated, but since everyone's ignoring this very basic rule, what the
hell. Spell-check, then spell-check your spell-check. If this fic was merely
sent to the list hastily, then proofread it. Please, don't make the FFML into
your personal spellchecker. Get prereaders/proofreaders if you haven't. I think
the main problem with this fic is that you sent this off without so much as a
reread as if it's a first or second draft; even though this may not be the
case, this the impression I had.)
Grammar Rule #9: Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies endlessly
over and over again. Grammar Rule #25: Understatement is always the absolute
best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas; Grammar Rule #33: Exaggeration is a
billion times worse than understatement. (I'll hit three birds with one stone
this time around; in writing, one should be subtle. Heavy-handed and ham-fisted
sentences can ruin prose, and nothing says 'newbie' like exaggerating each and
every instance as if it's an end-of-the-world scenario or William Shatner
talking. Insinuate more, suggest more, and state less of the painfully obvious.
Brevity is wit and cleverness isn't mutually exclusive to subtlety.)
Grammar Rule #12: Foreign words and phrases are not always apropos.
Another point of contention is the gratuitous Japanese. Don't use them. Why?
Because most of the fanboy Japanese in this fic can be easily substituted with
English counterparts... but if you really must go all fanboy about it, then I
leave it up to you. A rule of thumb of mine when it comes to using Japanese in
English prose is to only use them for untranslatable terms like 'okonomiyaki',
'sempai', 'kohai', most of the honorifics used in Japanese, or, say, 'moe'
(Pfft. There are _Japanese_ people who don't know what 'moe' means). Terms like
'suberashi', 'iterasshai', 'monchiron', 'wakaranai', 'arigato', 'totemo',
'omedetto', 'doko', 'dare', 'koibito', 'daijobu', 'kawaii', 'imouto', 'sugoi',
and whatnot... (got a bit carried away there ^^;) No. Just... no. They have
English counterparts, so substitute these fanboy Japanese terms with that.
Convey the Japanese feel in your fics by researching Japanese culture,
understanding how your Japanese characters will react in a Japanese setting,
and somehow integrating all of it into your main plot (like, say, with Morgan
Hudson's "Ronin Summer" and of course Deborah Goldsmith's "Genma's Daughter"
and "Equal Halves"), not by putting in random, common Japanese terms you've
heard from fansubs or read from "Instantly Learn Nihonggo in Five Minutes!"
books.
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
Grammar Rule #49: Use the ellipsis (...) to indicate missing... In regards to
your ellipsis misuse, here're some tips: The ASCII ellipsis is mostly composed
of three separate standard period characters (or four if you are also including
a period to end the sentence... but either way is good, so use whichever
version floats your boat).
Grammar Rule #fifty-six: Usually, it's better to spell numbers out, but
sometimes that isn't the case. In general, I've seen professional authors opt
for spelling numbers out instead of writing their numerical forms. The obvious
exceptions to the rule (usually) are actual dates (October 28, 2005), exact
numbers which are large in amount (1,234,567,890) or writing the numerical year
instead of the spelled-out version (1983, as opposed to nineteen
eighty-three... though the latter is also good, IMO). In any case, a good rule
of thumb is this: if a number won't look awkward or needlessly long when
written as words, then go use its worded version... otherwise, go with its
numerical form.
Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!).
Also, minimize your use of fandom conventions. I'm okay with their use (unlike
other readers out there who are sick and tired of seeing them), but like vocab
words, they shouldn't be overused. If you really have to make use of fandom
conventions, I suggest using them more subtly. Instead of 'glomp', describe the
action. Make it more interesting, and don't be so lazy in writing a description
that would appeal more to the reader.
It's nice that you've researched quite a lot of background stuff about music
for the sake of this fic, but please do research a bit more on manga canon
first before putting in miscellaneous fanfic facts that aren't really facts.
Also, make practical use of your research such that you can come up with a good
fic plot. It's not the research but what you do with your research that's
important. Remember, like Einstein says, "Information is not knowledge" and
"Imagination is better than knowledge".
As for the narrative prose, it flows reasonably well. I see no other
(technical) errors aside from spelling and syntax errors, as well as
punctuation. It properly segues and setups things, as far as I can see. My
_real_ beef is with the story itself. Here are the things that stuck out like
sore thumbs to me; its lack of subtlety, and its tendency to meander and be
redundant. On the whole I think most of the chapter was unnecessary exposition,
given where the story's going.
Also, your Ranma's speech pattern is grating at best. Egads, it was terrible...
almost as terrible as Faris's pirate accent in the PS translation of Final
Fantasy V! So please, I beg of you... fix that. If not, well, fine. It's your
fic.
In regards to the canonicity of this little fic, (ahem) let me share with you a
little reply from a C&C I gave to one of the other people I've been
corresponding with, Arun Prabhu, in regards to his lack of knowledge of Ranma
canon:
"We'll see. I finished reading all 38 mangas yesterday. I think I understand
Ranma and the cast a little better now. Akane's not the violent maniac that I'd
been led to believe and Ryouga is truly Ranma's friend. Genma is a well-meaning
idiot and Ranma is indecisive as hell. Did I miss anything?"
And he had just summarized and differentiated canon from fanon in those five
sentences. ^_^ How well do you think you've done in following manga canon? Or
hell, anime canon?
Keep in mind that the whole C&C are only my opinions and shouldn't be taken in
at face value. Then again, I feel that I've made many valid points and unless
you can contend them logically and irrefutably, then I simply must insist on
you revising in accordance to my criticisms. Then again, this is your fic, so
do whatever you like. My standard disclaimer is: I'd like to clarify that this
isn't a simple "bash the fic" thing I'm doing here. This is a critique. Please
don't go mentally simplifying my comments (incorrectly) as "He just didn't like
my fic so anything he says can't be taken seriously." It's your jurisdiction to
ignore the comments, yes, and to take them with a grain of salt, yes, but
please do at least consider that this isn't just bias talking when I say, "It's
a good fanfic idea, but the execution of the idea needs a lot of work."
Kudos to you for making a fic which you and your fans would fully enjoy. As
such, I wish you luck on your future ficcing endeavors and I do hope you keep
on entertaining your ficcy fans with the (strictly IMO) typical fanboy fic
cliches found in your typical fanboy fic. Who cares about my likes and dislikes
in a fic? Just because I (basically ripped your fic a new one care of this C&C)
somewhat had a lot of criticisms in regards to your fic doesn't mean it's the
worst fic in all of fandom. I'm sure you'll find your niche, if ever. And if
not, well, there's always room for improvement.
In any case, ignore my hydrochloric acid-laced comments if you'd like. I'm only
"keeping it real" and telling you straight out what I found wrong in the fic.
If you want to keep your fic as is, good. If you found my comments helpful in
some level, even better. �The best advice I could give you that you needn't
take with a grain of salt is to keep on writing. Make use of whatever
corrections suits your fancy and ignore the rest, these are strictly my opinion
after all. I also apologize for any spelling and grammar mistake my C&C has
made. It'd be ironic for a correction to need a correction, but we're all only
human, after all.
Final words: Though I found the execution of the idea wanting, I still very
much love the idea of a post-manga and post-Equal-Halves Ranma discovering the
wonders of classical music. I also liked the misdirection ploy Akane did for
the simple reason that it had me fooled for quite a bit and showed that Akane
_did_ grow up and develop as a character. I am a bit wary as to what direction
you want this fic to go. Are you going to throw away the whole
manga-slapstick-humor thing like GD and EQ did, or are you still going to keep
elements of the manga, such that this is _Takahashi's_ Ranma discovering his
love for music? If it's the latter, I'd suggest adding a bit more of the
martial arts element and the fiancee-involvement element (the 'other shoe has
finally dropped' syndrome, if you will). You can also play with the "Murphy's
Law" idea on that regard if you want, such that everything that can go wrong
will go wrong, thus providing this new, musically-inclined Ranma his conflict.
OTOH, if you intend to go the GD and EQ route, you're going to need an ample
amount of drama (not necessarily angst) to keep with the GD and EQ tone. After
all, that's the main conflict of GD and EQ, right? Rediscovery of oneself and
the acceptance/rejection of this new self by others, I mean. If you can apply
that central theme to this, er, 'Untitled Equal Halves spin-off', then that'd
be really great. I wish you all the luck on your future ficcing endeavors. I
hope you find a way to get a title for this fic. Oh, and like I said, keep on
writing.
Hanggang sa muli!
Abdiel
--------------------
I wasn't overwhelmed, I wasn't underwhelmed; so let's just call it a day and
say I was whelmed.
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