Yet another shortfic/spamficcish fic this time around...
Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to misquote
facts and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at
one point can easily be retracted on the next, depending on how the story
progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I
see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your
fic? You have the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you
can use and ignore the rest. ^_^
It also occurs to me that my lexicon may not be at par with yours, so any
unfamiliar word I ask about isn't necessarily a correction but just general
ignorance on my part (as pointed out by a certain Thomas Michael Edwards). As
such, it'd be appreciated if you'd have the patience to clear up some of my
questions on those particular instances. Thanks.
And my next victim is... ;)
On 7/15/06, Ange De Bleu : baby blu eyes <serenachibi@hotmail.com> wrote:
Summary: Makoto kept a secret from everyone, but can she kept it from the
man that is involved with it? Or will he never know about their child?
(muted trumpet) Mwa-wa-wa-waaaah~
Darn those spoilers.
Prologue
Her finger continued to squeeze the hand of the unexpected person next to
her,
Makoto: There's a person just next to me! That's so unexpected!
Minako gently took a damp cloth and pressed it against her friend�s ivory
skin.
�Are you going to be alright Mako?� she asked.
Revise: alright --> all right
Suggest: "Are you going to be all right, Mako?" (the comma adds a natural
pause)
Also: You have the usual �smart quotes� and special non-ascii characters
problem.
Well, here's a li'l tip if you're using Microsoft Word (if not, might I suggest
using a plaintext writing program?) Go to the Tools menu, click 'AutoCorrect',
then click all the tabs (). Simply put, uncheck everything that needs to be
unchecked.
�I�ll be fine Minako,� she replied, flashing her a smile. �I�ve always been
alright.�
Revise: alright --> all right
Suggest: "I'll be fine, Minako," she replied
When a speaker identifies who is spoken to, the identification must be
separated from anything else by a comma.
"I'll be fine" --> this is what she's saying.
"Minako" --> this is who she's saying it to.
Therefore there must be a comma between them.
These commas may seem like a little thing, but they are vitally important,
because leaving them out can completely change the meaning of your sentence.
"I volunteer, Rei!" is something helpful ol' Ami is very likely to say.
"I volunteer Rei!" is something crazy ol' Usagi is very likely to say.
"I wanna eat, Haruka!" is something that's not uncommon for Michiru to say. "I
wanna eat Haruka!" is something that's not uncommon for Michiru to say in a
lemon fic.
�And her last name...?�
�No one will ever know but me,� said Makoto, giving another smile. It felt
like everything was happening all over again; the first time meeting him,
the look in his eyes, and that one passionate night they had finally let
their emotions take over.
Is this her sempai? Either that, or we'd have Julian Soullard's idea of
pairing-up Makoto and Mirai Trunks in his fics 'Boy meets Girl' and 'Past,
Present, and Uncertainty'.
Never had she seen
him again since they were in two different dimensions and his was the one
she had happened to vacation to.
Hmmm. So the Mirai Trunks theory has some weight in this fic after all...
Then again, I'm still wondering what series 'GW' stands for. Seeing that, for
all intents and purposes, this is a fangirl fic, I'd say 'Gundam Wing' (coz I'm
presumptuous that way). As such, presuming that I'm correct, I have no idea who
among the supposed 'bishonens' in that series hooked up and knocked up Makoto.
Whoever the young stud was, he sure doesn't have problems concerning height
differences.
But now, it looked like that vacation was
going to be happening soon enough again, and Setsuna had something in mind
that she was wondering about. Where was she going? What was going to happen?
That, she would never know until she got there...
Hmmm. This 'fic' is just a little longer than my copy-pasted disclaimer. It's
so short that I feel that it's like a Cute Kitsune Kaydee fic. You're not
him/her by any chance, are you? :P Seriously though, it's... quite nice as a
teaser, actually. I've seen ficlets as short as this that were, for lack of a
better rant, er, term, "so fragmented and inexcusably sparse that it might as
well be a ficlet... 'ficcie'... perhaps even an 'f' since it barely contained a
_story_; it'd barely even be a teaser, since it was too ambiguous that it
really can't communicate much of anything content-wise." So yeah. Your fic is
the exact opposite of all those other shortfics I've read because it actually
has _potential_ and _points of interest_.
Though really, you should also put in 'shortfic' in the tags, 'coz, well...
look at it. I've seen drafts that are longer than this. Though the content was
wanting, it does setup quite a lot of possibilities and has loads of potential,
so I guess it's a start. In just a few pages and ambiguous references you're
already promising quite a lot out of Makoto and her child.
I can only hope that the grammar corrections were of some help to you. If not,
well, que cera cera. Indeed, the Zeigarnik effect is in full swing. I can't
wait for the _actual_ fic itself to surface; that way I can give you a better
and more detailed take on things. Give us an actual story next time, mmkay? ;)
Till next time, and...
Keep on writing,
Abdiel
--------------------
I wasn't overwhelmed, I wasn't underwhelmed; so let's just call it a day and
say I was whelmed.
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