Subject: [FFML] Re: [Fanfic][Naruto]Suiren, Chapter 21: Blood...
From: "Eimii" <eimii@bresnan.net>
Date: 7/31/2006, 12:44 AM
To: "William Little" <wlit0613@postoffice.uri.edu>, "FFML" <ffml@anifics.com>

eimii wrote:

BLOOD...

A most ominous title.

I work hard on these one word titles, but sometimes they don't always 
reflect the content of the chapter so well ^_^;...


You've tried to be both side splittingly funny and advance multiple 
serious plots (old and new) simultaneously. Either alone would have 
made this a good chapter. They really shouldn't mix.

You know that saying that you'll know a great author by when the break 
the rules? Congradulations. This is possibly the most perfectly 
written chapter of anything I've ever read.

It's a relief that it isn't so jarring this time; i've tend to have a 
lot of trouble with the serious bits of this story, in the past -_-;... 
This chapter would have been a lot heavier near the end, if i hadn't 
remembered one of the founding principles behind this fanfic: naked 
kunoichi make everything better!


*Dammit, is he staring at my forehead?!*

Hehe. This is the only line I'm going to comment on for it's hilarity, 
because otherwise the comments would be as long as the fic.


Okay ^_^



Staring at the place where the masked man been standing, Sakura 
shifted uncomfortably. *He said 'stay away _for now_,' and he knew 
about the mission...* Apparently, ANBU was keeping a closer eye on 
her than she realized. *I wonder what they'd do if I were _really_ 
quitting. After reading all those ANBU mission scrolls, I'll bet 
they'd kill me before they let me become a missing nin...*

Serious plot thread #1.


This one's more of a potential plot thread, really; all actions 
potentially have consequences, and a lot of the time Anko doesn't 
consider those consequences very carefully -_-;...

 "Ah, I'm
sorry. My ears must be going in my old age; I could have sworn you 
were someone else," he apologized, setting to work on Sakura's order.

And #2.

Heheh... had to get back to this; not all is well in Sakura land...



Sakura let the tea warm her hands as she stared down at her shadowy 
reflection in the cup. *...I like dango, don't I?* Though the big 
changes scared her, it was sometimes _more_ disturbing when she 
couldn't tell if she was acting like Anko or herself.

I think technically the ...s in front of Sakura's thoughts are 
incorrect, but they work very well to convey mood and hesitation, so 
keep them.

In terms of punctuation, i do break a lot of rules; that, i will admit 
to, though if it helps, i usually do it on purpose ^_^;...


You need to make more grammar and spelling mistakes so I don't feel 
obligated to point out _something_ to you.

*The next person that %$*#in' sneaks up on me is getting an explosion 
note shoved up her ass...*

One of these days you need to provide a translation guide.

I kinda prefer to leave it up to the imagination; after all, they might 
not even be single-word curses, either...


For once, there was no doubt in her mind as to where _those_ thoughts 
came from. "Would you like some dango?" She offered, viciously 
stomping down the foreign impulses and putting on her sweetest, most 
innocent smile.

I think you are overusing the _s a little.

Hmm... will look into it; in the fanfiction.net version, they'll become 
italics...


"After having a look at your family records, I'm inclined to agree 
with you," Kurenai observed sardonically.


And #3!

This one's been hinted at for a while, though. It's not really a huge 
thing, as it's impact on Sakura's daily life is pretty minimal.



Returning to herself, Sakura's gaze drifted from Kurenai's face to 
the improvised missile, then back again. "%$!@#%!"

See, I can't figure out which one this is, and it's driving me 
_crazy_.

^_^;...


Much to Sakura's relief, this seemed to make Kurenai think for a 
moment. The Lord Haruno was well known for having some rather 
significant _issues_ with the relationship between Konoha and the 
Fire Country, and it would be wise to tread carefully if they wanted 
his cooperation.

And #4, if a bit closely tied to #3.

This one... may be rather important later, though probably _much_ later, 
in the scope of this fic...



"Hmm..." The jounin's crimson eyes grew pensive, and a hint of worry 
pinched the corners of her mouth. "I'd prefer to at least send Kiba 
or Shino with you as an escort,

Hehe. Very subtle forshadowing and clue for the future. I caught it on 
the first read through, but I doubt a lot of people will.


Well, on first blush one might be able to rationalize that Kiba and 
Shino would be more effective bodyguards than Hinata, so Kurenai would 
prefer it be one of them...

"...Fine, go. We should catch
up with you early this afternoon if there aren't any unexpected 
delays."

She will so be kicking herself over this in a few hours.

Well, it's _possible_ that Sakura won't screw anything up this time... 
isn't it? >_<;...


*_What?_ Oh, for the love of-* It didn't take Kurenai long to realize 
what had happened; she'd been in this situation far more times than 
she cared to remember. "You didn't make her pay when she ordered?" 
she asked incredulously.

She will never be convinced this wasn't intentional.

Alas, poor Sakura; your pristine reputation is dragged through the 
gutter once again...


Finishing off her last stick of dango, Sakura contemplated the naked 
skewer

Those two words shall so take on new meaning later in this chapter.

...Naked, perhaps, but i'm wondering where the skewer comes in O_o;...


Thinking about what she'd done stirred conflicting emotions in 
Sakura. She was ashamed of herself, and a little nervous about what 
Kurenai might do to her later, but both of these seemed to only 
enhance the thrill of the chase. Her limbs were light as she fled 
from the scene of the crime, and she felt like she could run for 
days. *Dammit, it's wrong to feel good about stealing food!*

Ho boy. She's addicted.


Well, Anko's not an _evil_ person, so there's gotta be a reason why she 
does bad things, and my bet is on the 'because it's fun!' angle ^_^;...


*Maybe it would have been better to wait for the others.* Kurenai was 
probably pretty experienced in diplomacy, and Sakura was confident 
that she could at least get them an audience. *Whatever; they want me 
to do _something_ here, so I guess I can at least I explain the 
situation to him.

I doubt they expected her to explain it quite as bluntly as she did, 
however.

Well, those who hadn't been around her lately, anyway.


Probably not... though even without her recent changes, Sakura's 
relationship with her grandfather is such that she probably would have 
given him the same frank explanation anyhow; this isn't really something 
the higher-ups would be able to anticipate all that well.

When Gai-sensei was coaching her, he'd _insisted_ that she do all 
sorts of silly 'image training' with him, so that she could 'find her 
sense of style' and learn to project 'the power and beauty of youth.' 
A forgiving interpretation might call the stupid poses and corny 
lines a very bizarre form of psychological warfare, but Sakura had 
never found a use for them until now.

GAI-SENSEIIII! Once again your greatness and wisdom is proven even to 
the deepest doubters! Yosh!

Surely Gai, of all people, would recognize Sakura's formidable... er... 
'fighting spirit' ^_^;;...


Also, it's no wonder Hinata's crushing on Sakura when she's so much 
like Naruto. Dye her hair and dress her in orange, and I bet Hinata 
would faint.

Heh... very similar, but not the same; Sakura's got a mean streak that 
Naruto doesn't really share, and she can actually win arguments with her 
wits ^_^;...


Hinata seemed surprised by the suggestion, and Sakura could see the 
indecision gnawing at the dark-haired girl as she reflexively glanced 
down at her feet before catching herself and looking at Sakura's face 
instead. "I'm not..." Chewing her lip, Hinata wouldn't make eye 
contact, but after a second she gave a jerky nod. "I- yes, that would 
be fine."

And HERE is where I clued in something was seriously wrong. Crap, 
Hinata-chan, that's rough. I suppose Sakura can be excused for being 
distracted enough to miss this clue.

Plus, Sakura probably has the impression that Hinata's given to fret 
about even little things, so the scale of potential 'wrongness' is 
pretty broad...


I wonder where Hinata was originally planning to run away to? Probably 
hadn't planned that far.

Run away? Hmm... i don't think she'd be able to fool herself into 
thinking that she could actually run away; because of her position as 
the heiress to the Main House, the clan actually has something to lose 
if she were to be captured. That's all i'm going to say, though; her 
plans and reasoning shall be revealed next chapter ^_^...



*Hmm... I guess she hasn't been briefed yet.*

The incredible ability of the intelligent to convince themselves of 
what they never think to question. I love how subtle yet consistent 
you are with this whole setup.

It's kind of a balancing act; Sakura is smart, but she's not going to 
get it right all the time, even if she thinks things through...


"But what if your uncles dropped the charges?" Hinata prodded 
insistently. "Then, couldn't your parents get married?"

You sadistic bastard, just tell us already!

Give it a moment ^_^;;


"It is not!" Stretching her arms above her head and then lazily 
letting them drop to her sides, Sakura sighed in exasperation. "I 
know it sounds like something outta some silly manga, but when a 
_real_ nobleman can't

For a wonderful moment, I thought you made a mistake and needed a who 
between real and nobleman. I felt useful, needed! Then I realized I 
was wrong. Now I feel depressed.

Though lots of them still slip through, i try to make sure i catch as 
many of those mistakes as possible before i post chapters publically; 
it's the quality and content of the writing i'm worried about, at this 
point...



"Gah! Now I _know_ you're teasing me," Sakura deadpanned, not feeling 
any real animosity toward the giggling brunette. It was nice to see 
Hinata relax for a change. *It sounds more like something out of one 
of broom-head's dirty books, though.*

I'm sure Hinata is intimately familiar with them.

O_o;... well... perhaps...


"'_Princess..._'" Snorting, Sakura favored the white-eyed girl with a 
flat stare. "The _real_ Lady Haruno would skin me alive if I ever 
said something stupid like that.

Not that that will stop her from using it when it suits you, will it?

Nope!

Yeah, I guess there isn't any good way to indicate the change in style 
to the next part in plain text, is there? It took me a little while to 
figure out exactly what happened.

The entire section will be italicized on fanfiction.net.


And, good lord, I've read entire fics shorter than that story.


Sakura's grandfather can be less than concise when he warms to his topic 
^_^;...


"The Lord Haruno isn't the _real_ Lord Haruno?!" Hinata sputtered, 
forgetting her impeccable Hyuuga manners for a moment. "And your 
grandmother, was it really- or did he-" holding her hands apart like 
she wasn't sure what to do with them, she stared beseechingly at the 
other girl.

I suggest she wring her hands. That's what I pictured reading the 
paragraph, before I even got to the description of what her hands were 
doing.

Hmm... i shall consider that.

In theory, if she could use chakra to support her own body weight on 
the surface of a moving river, it should be easy for her to ward off 
a few measly little raindrops. In practice, however, releasing chakra 
from your hands or feet was _much_ easier than, say, releasing it 
from the back of your head. Despite her best efforts, her hair was 
still noticeably damp, and she was quickly tiring herself out.

I forgot about Kakashi's claim that the feet were the hardest, but 
think about where you see chakra expelled from. I "figure" the 
difficulty is tied to how precise your senses are at that spot.

So, the hands and mouth are the easiest location to precisely control 
chakra. The soles of your feet, being comparatively insensitive, would 
be much harder. Most of the skin would be very hard, as the 
resoltution is smaller. The eyes are great for visual jutsu, but you 
aren't going to see any ninja imitating Cyclops since you can't feel 
anything moving around inside your eye and can't focus on anything 
right outside it.

I'd considered that the senses and chakra control might be connected, 
though the presentation of how chakra is used and the strengths and 
limtations that we are given as examples tend to be... inconsistent, at 
best, so i'm going to just try and rationalize things as best i 
can -_-;...



Ok, I need to prep myself before reading the bath scene again. Wait a 
day or two while I get myself prescribed some tranquilizers.

William


^_^;;... eheh, i wonder if i need a stronger warning at the start...

~Eimii 


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