Congratulations to the FFML on its new and improved-ness... which means
that I have to show off some of my new and improvedness too.
Unfortunately, I can't say that OAV 42 has improved much, but it's
certainly new, and with a high-profile story this time. So just repeat
to yourself, "It's just Nidoking, I should really just stop using the
word 'just' so much in a single line" and enjoy. With the original
author's permission, as always...



REALLY REAL PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS:
... AND JUSTICE FOR ALL?
THE OAVing part 1

NACHO: (hums loudly)

SHEILA: What's up? Celebrating something?

NACHO: It's mid 2006, the FFML has had a resurgence of interest, and
Harry Potter's in vogue.

ACE: Then why are you humming the Imperial Death March from Star Wars?

NACHO: It is not! That was the Harry Potter theme from the movies. Just
faster.

ACE: Not that there's much difference between the stories, either.
They're both about kids who didn't realize how powerful they were until
some old guy taught them about the mystical powers at their command and
sent them to destroy the ultimate evil, who was once part of the family
or close to it. And in the end, the prophecy that the two sides will be
in balance is fulfilled.

SHEILA: Yeah... it's like "Use the Force, Harry."

NACHO: Well, I hope you guys are more fond of Harry Potter than you're
letting on, because we've got a new project. And it's a long one.

JUNK: Did I hear what I think I heard?

NACHO: We're going to be reading Scott "SKJAM" Jamison's "...And Justice
For All?"

ACE: Is this the first time you've seen the title?

NACHO: Nope. In the tradition of "A Bad Idea Was 'Kidnap'", the title is
punctuated as written.

SHEILA: Ah... so it was SKJAM's first time seeing the title.

NACHO: Brace yourselves, guys and gals. We're in for original
characters, decades of aging, and the most out-of-character line since
Gosunkugi managed a complete sentence in front of Akane.

ACE: I'm going to enjoy this!

NACHO: ... All right. Second most.

<BEGIN FANFIC>

Since the FFML is expanding its range, here's something I hope you'll
enjoy.

NACHO: Now available in Canada!

              AND JUSTICE FOR ALL?

ACE: Rats. Walked in right at the end of the Pledge of Allegiance.

              by Scott K. Jamison

ALL: THANK YOU!

(Note:  The Harry Potter books and all associated characters were
created by J.K. Rowling.  No infringement of rights is intended or
should be assumed.)

JUNK: You know what happens when you ASSUME.

              Chapter One: Doughnut

NACHO: To be followed by Chapter 2: Coffee and Chapter 3: Swizzle Stick.

      Duncan Dursley was unsure precisely when his father started to
hate him.

SHEILA: It was probably around the time he was born. That's when it
happens for most kids.

His very early memories certainly included Da smiling down
at him and acting like the proudest father in the world.

JUNK: <Da> See that, young Duncan? The paternity test will PROVE there
was a woman willing to sleep with me!

But at some
point the smiles had turned to suspicious glances and the pride
turned to stony discipline.

ACE: <Da> The tests lie!

NACHO: Stony discipline? Da's clearly been reading the Old Testament
again.

     Duncan did know when the hate had become overt.  (He was very
proud of knowing words like 'overt.')

NACHO: <Duncan> It's what you say when you're finished talking on a
walkie-talkie.

He'd been seven, and the other
boys were teasing him on the playground again.

SHEILA: And his dad's one of the other boys?

     "Duncan the Doughnut, round and pink," the other boys would
tease him, shoving him around and around.

NACHO: Mmmm... strawberry doughnut.

SHEILA: <Duncan> It's not my fault I've got a hole in my middle! Da
thought the safety was on!

Sometimes he'd try to hit
back, but his plump little legs and arms were too short to do much
damage.

NACHO: Round and pink doughnut-like kid with plump, stubby arms and
legs...

ACE: It's Majin Buu!

SHEILA: <Duncan Buu> Me show you who is doughnut! *ZAP*

     On this particular occasion, Duncan had finally had more than
enough of this, and begun bawling like a baby.  He hadn't noticed at
first, but the other boys stopped hitting him.

SHEILA: <Duncan> It's not the punches that hurt me. The insults wound my
pride.

ACE: Overtly. He's proud of that word.

When he opened his
eyes, they were lying on the ground, bleeding from the ears, and the
glasses the biggest boy had been wearing had shattered.

NACHO: His eyes shot out of his head and shattered the kid's glasses?

SHEILA: His eyes are bleeding from the ears?

ACE: A bully wears glasses?

     Moments later, a playground monitor appeared.  (It was a puzzle
to Duncan at the time why the monitors were never around when *he*
was getting hurt.

SHEILA: Then he watched a Michigan J. Frog cartoon, and it all made
sense.

It wasn't until much later that he realized the
other boys deliberately waited to tease him until there were no
monitors watching.)

NACHO: Because teasing him while the monitors are watching makes SO much
sense.

ACE: We're revoking your "proud of my intelligence because I know the
word 'overt'" privileges.

Since Duncan was the only one standing, it made
sense to her that he was the cause of the trouble.

ACE: I'm glad SOMEONE in this story has some sense!

There was quite a
lot of shouting and running about, but Duncan didn't see most of it,
cooling his heels in the Headmistress' office.

SHEILA: <Duncan> Maybe if I hide in here, they won't find me.

ACE: <Headmistress> I understand you've been shooting your eyes at the
school bullies again.

     For him, the shouting really began when his father arrived home.

NACHO: <Duncan> (shouting) You're late again, you miserable excuse for a
father!

SHEILA: <Duncan> (shouting) And you forgot to bring me a snack!

 Da had never been sympathetic to Duncan on the subject of bullies,
saying things like "toughen up!" and "don't be a crybaby!"  But
Duncan's story made Da angrier than he'd ever seen the big man
before.

NACHO: <Narrator as Duncan> I told him about how the kids at school beat
me up. So he beat me up.

ACE: <Da> I said DON'T bawl like a baby! DON'T bawl!

     "And you say you have *no* idea how this happened?  It just
did?"

     "Yes, Da."

NACHO: <Duncan> Can I get you some Butter Da, Da?

JUNK: <Da> Try thinking about baseball next time.

     Da clipped Duncan upside the ear.  "Little liar!  You know
perfectly well what you did!  Freak!"

SHEILA: He must have forgotten what Harry Potter did when Uncle Vernon
used to yell at him like that.

NACHO: Dudley really misses that piggy tail.

     Mum snatched Duncan away and made placating motions at Da.

JUNK: Moving one finger in and out of a circle always seemed to make Da
happier.

"Now, Dudley, the boy's had a rough enough day already."

NACHO: <Mum> What with the bullying, and the yelling, and we still
haven't figured out how to put his eyes back in their sockets yet.

     "I'm not surprised you're defending him!  I'll bet I'm not even
the boy's real father!

ACE: <Da> Maybe those paternity tests WERE telling the truth!

You had an affair with HIM, didn't you?!"

JUNK: <Mum> My sexual activities with Duncan are none of your business!

Small flecks of foam were coming from Da's mouth, and his face had
turned a ketchup color.

NACHO: So how much of that is Duncan's latent magical ability, and how
much is rabies?

     "That's not true!  You were the first and only, Dudley, you know
that!

NACHO: <Dudley> You're right, dear. After all, I've got your word for
it, and what woman would lie to her husband about having an affair?

SHEILA: (smacks Nacho)

Duncan, to your room, now!"  Mum didn't look any less angry
than Da, so Duncan scrambled to his room and dived under his covers.

JUNK: Which is exactly what his Mum and Da did, too.

     The screaming and bad words went on until after Duncan fell
asleep, still in his clothes.

JUNK: NOW we see why Duncan's so traumatized. The bullying at the
beginning threw me at first.

ACE: <Duncan> They're trying to replace me again....

     After that, Duncan's life changed.

NACHO: His heart had turned into a giant sword with which he fought
homunculi.

His parents decided to move
from their house in Privet Drive to a dingy flat in the City.

SHEILA: <Elaine Benes> The dingy flat ate your baby.

Mum
said it wasn't Duncan's fault, that Da's business was having problems
and they would all "have to make do",

JUNK: At least, he HOPED the last word was "do".

but Duncan was sure that Da
blamed him nonetheless.

     Also, Da took a strong interest in Duncan's entertainment.

ACE: <Dudley> So, son, tell me about these "collectible card games" and
this "ex-box".

There was to be nothing fanciful or "magic" (Da spat the word)in
Duncan's books or television programs.

NACHO: Meaning Duncan never got to watch the State of the Union Address.

If it had a wizard or a
dragon on the cover, out it went, even if it had come from school.

ACE: And if it was a dragon that could cast magic, it was incinerated on
sight.

Duncan quickly realized that he was allowed to read or see only the
dullest, most boring "real" material.

SHEILA: <Duncan> But Dad, I'm tired of reading "The Joy of Sex"!

JUNK: <Dudley> You'll read it until you've memorized it!

At least it improved his
vocabulary.

NACHO: He learned a second five-letter word.

     At their new home, Duncan finally made a friend, a dark-eyed boy
named Cuckoo Lane (as near as Duncan could tell) who taught him how
to use a pocketknife to peel an apple in interesting shapes.

JUNK: <Cuckoo> You just have to cut it right down the center... see
that?

NACHO: The kid named "Duncan the Doughnut" can't imagine that "Cuckoo
Lane" is a nickname?

SHEILA: Must be Lois's crazy half-brother.

But as
soon as Da found out about it, he forbid Duncan to see Cuckoo any
more.

ACE: <Dudley> Apples are health food! We'll have none of that in THIS
flat!

     "But Dudley, Wiccans aren't the same thing at all," said Mum,
still trying to calm her husband.

NACHO: <Dudley> I don't care who they're witnessing for... anyone who
knocks on my door with a pamphlet gets it up the jacksie!

     "Doesn't matter, they're still freaks, and foreigners to boot.

ACE: <Dudley> And believe me, boot them I will!

My son will be normal, thank you very much."

SHEILA: For a given definition of "normal".

NACHO: "1 : PERPENDICULAR; especially : perpendicular to a tangent at a
point of tangency
2 a : according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule,
or principle b : conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern
3 : occurring naturally <normal immunity>
4 a : of, relating to, or characterized by average intelligence or
development b : free from mental disorder : SANE
5 a of a solution : having a concentration of one gram equivalent of
solute per liter b : containing neither basic hydroxyl nor acid hydrogen
<normal silver phosphate> c : not associated <normal molecules> d :
having a straight-chain structure <normal pentane> <normal butyl
alcohol>
6 of a subgroup : having the property that every coset produced by
operating on the left by a given element is equal to the coset produced
by operating on the right by the same element
7 : relating to, involving, or being a normal curve or normal
distribution <normal approximation to the binomial distribution>
8 of a matrix : having the property of commutativity under
multiplication by the transpose of the matrix each of whose elements is
a conjugate complex number with respect to the corresponding element of
the given matrix
synonym see REGULAR"

ACE: Take your pick... I don't think he fits any of those, frankly.

NACHO: Dunno... I'm sure he's probably basic hydroxyl and acid
hydrogen-free.

JUNK: Only after a good burp.

And that was the end of
that.

ALL: Cat.

     And so, Duncan's life had continued to be miserable.

SHEILA: One might almost say it was a series of unfortunate events.

Not the
least of his problems was that he took after his father in his shape,
which was round.  Very round.

ACE: From town to town.

NACHO: He's not really round... more like an oblate spheroid.

The nickname "Doughnut" popped up
again and this time it stuck.

SHEILA: So did dust particles, apples, television sets, satellites...

     Even now that he was eleven, Duncan still got pushed around
every day, except that now it happened in gymnasium.

NACHO: And it didn't really affect him, thanks to his incredible
inertia.

Not that the
sit-down classes were any better.  It wasn't that he didn't
understand the material, but they all required him to use a computer.

NACHO: And we all know what an idiot that can make of even the brightest
of men.

SHEILA: A poor kid like Doughnut hasn't got a chance.

     And for some reason, Duncan was the only kid in his class who
still hadn't quite got the hang of using a computer.

ACE: <Teacher> The floppy disk goes IN the disk drive, Duncan! IN the
disk drive!

NACHO: <Teacher> Have you tried turning on the computer? And the
monitor? At the same time?

JUNK: <Duncan> I swear, I don't know how those nude pictures got on the
screen!

Files
disappeared at random, the settings would go wonky at his barest
touch, and often the sodding things wouldn't even turn on for him in
the first place.

NACHO: Oh, that's just Windows ME.

     Still, today's history assignment seemed to be going rather
well.  He'd easily found material on Oliver Cromwell, and was busily
pasting together a report.

ACE: This song by Monty Python is loaded with information!

The spellchecker was working well too.

ACE: Darn. He couldn't even misspell a word for us to make fun of.

NACHO: He left out the comma... does that count?

SHEILA: His father's completely against magic, but he'll let Duncan use
the spellchecker?

Finally, Duncan completed the required 5K, and hit the 'Save' button.

ACE: <Duncan> (panting) No idea... why... I had to run... so far...
before saving!

     The screen went blue and blank.

SHEILA: Blue AND blank? Which is it, sir? We can't provide tech support
if you can't describe a simple problem!

     "No!" screamed Duncan.  "You can't do this to me!  Sodding piece
of junk!  Give me back my report!"

ACE: <HAL> I'm sorry, Duncan, but I can't do that.

NACHO: We've replaced Duncan's report on Oliver Cromwell with a dynamic
linking library. Let's see if he can tell the difference.

He slapped the monitor with a
fleshy hand, and sparks flew.

SHEILA: <Duncan> Thanks, Thing.

     The screen snapped back on, with Duncan's report intact.  But
something new had been added.

NACHO: It now included the words "Teacher is a plonker" after each
sentence.

Instead of a blank white page, the
words were now set against a background of skulls.  And out of every
skull's mouth was crawling a bright green snake.

ACE: Clearly, Oliver Cromwell was into heavy metal.

     "Dursley!"

     "Yes, Ms. Trimmell?" he replied, trying to figure out where that
background had come from.

ACE: And how he could set it up as the screen saver.

     "What did you *do*?"

SHEILA: <Duncan> Well, first, I was born. That was probably my biggest
mistake...

     Duncan looked around at a clotting of hostile faces, and
realized the same background was on each and every monitor in the
classroom.

NACHO: A "clotting"?

ACE: His latent magical powers have made his fellow students coagulate
into a demonic hellbeast bent on installing OS/2 on every computer in
the lab.

SHEILA: Duncan Dursley, creator of the world's first computer virus.

     The skies opened up and poured, the perfect ending to Duncan's
school day.

NACHO: Hey, that was the ending to the not-so average day in the life of
Gosunkugi, too!

He wondered, sometimes, why it always seemed to rain
when he was miserable and without a brolly.

ACE: Because he's always miserable and never carries a brolly.

SHEILA: <Brolly> MUST KILL SAIYANS!

At least it was summer,
so it was a warm rain.

JUNK: What color was it?

It tempted Duncan to let the note he was
carrying soak through.  Unfortunately, his teachers always checked to
make sure their little notes arrived posthaste, as he'd learned to
his sorrow.

NACHO: Which is why they don't send them through the U.S. Post.

     He trudged down the street, narrowly missing being swamped by
the sweeperbot.

NACHO: Yeah... if he gets flipped over, there's no righting him.

ACE: <Duncan> Why must they hold the Battlebots auditions HERE?

They didn't like him either, despite Mum's
assurances that robots didn't like or dislike anyone.  Duncan could
tell.

SHEILA: <Duncan> I heard one say "The First Law does not apply to
Doughnut Dursley."

     Duncan thought he saw something dark out of the corner of his
eye, but it wasn't there when he turned to look,

NACHO: A filthy scarecrow waved its broomstick arms and did a parody of
each unconscious thing he did.

and the heavy rain
made visibility limited in any case.  There was a red sports car that
looked a bit posh for the neighborhood, though.

ACE: Although the effect was ruined by the cinder blocks holding up the
empty axles.

SHEILA: <Misato Katsuragi> Duncan, how would you like to see the biggest
robot ever?

NACHO: <Duncan> Giant robots? AAAAAAH!

Probably some young
rake (as Mum liked to call them) visiting his girlfriend.

NACHO: <Mum> I call them rakes because that's what I like to put under
their tires.

     "I wonder what it's like to have a girl friend."  Duncan was
pretty sure he'd never find out.

ACE: Books having to do with love were among the ones his Da banned.

The ladies he'd seen in his
father's naughty flimsies looked nothing like the spotty or snotty
girls in his class at school.

SHEILA: And so begins Duncan's misogynistic life.

     He sighed and trudged on, eventually reaching the apartment
building his family lived in.

NACHO: They'd bought the whole thing and knocked out the walls to make
room for Duncan.

The lift wasn't working, not a
surprise,

ACE: <Superintendent> We keep telling your boy there's a weight limit
sign for a reason!

so he walked the three flights to the flat.  He puffed with
exertion as he fingered the lockpad.

JUNK: At least he's putting what he learned in Dudley's magazines to
good use.

     "Hullo, Duncan," sang Mum as she flitted about the apartment.

ACE: <Duncan> Sorry about turning you into a hummingbird, Mum. It'll
probably clear up in a few hours.

"How was your day?"

     "Note from Teacher."  That about summed it up.

NACHO: Must have been the maths teacher, clearly.

ACE: I'll have to keep that answer in mind. It could be useful in so
many ways.

SHEILA: What ways?

ACE: Note from teacher.

     "Oh, dear," said Mum.  "And on your Da's birthday too."

NACHO: <Duncan> Um, yes, that's right... it was a note wishing him a
happy birthday!

     Duncan hadn't thought his spirits could sink any lower, but they
did.  Da's birthday, and he'd forgotten to get a present!

ACE: <Duncan> You'll never guess what I got for your birthday! A reason
for you to be mad and beat me up!

NACHO: <Dudley> Oh, Son, you give me the best presents!

Da set
great store by presents, and counted them up every year.  The more
there were, the better Da's mood, but each year lately, the number
had been shrinking.

SHEILA: <Mum> Fortunately, one of his pressies this year is a jigsaw.
Quick, start wrapping individual pieces!

     Mum clucked in worry.  "You forgot, didn't you?  Thought you
might, so wrap this up yourself."

JUNK: <Duncan> But you didn't give me anything... you just took off all
your clothes.

She handed Duncan a perfectly
dreadful-looking bile green tie.  Just the shade Da liked.

JUNK: Because when he inevitably throws up all over it, nobody will be
able to tell.

     Da had arrived home, grinning like a particularly fat shark, and
Duncan knew that his father's day had gone well.

NACHO: He'd eaten three people and a newsstand.

"Got a juicy
contract today, Zelda.

ACE: <Dudley> It's a gum commercial. Something about fruit.

NACHO: It's the sequel to Doublemint gum... they call it "Tri-Force".

They're remodeling Buckingham again, and
Dursley and Son Drills will be represented!"

SHEILA: Drills for men. Working men, hobby men; whatever kind of man you
are, we've got the drill for you. Dursley and Son - Man Drills.

Technically, Da was
'and Son', but Grandy Dursley had passed some years ago,

ALL: <Monty Python> (yay)

and Nanny
Dursley lived in Florida now.

NACHO: She wouldn't let Mr. Seinfeld be the president of Del Boca Vista.

Duncan didn't want to be 'and Son', as
he had no interest in drills, but there did not seem to be any good
way out of it.

SHEILA: There's always a sex change.

     "Wonderful, Dear!" gushed Mum as she took Da's greatcoat and
hat.  "Duncan, fetch your father his lager."

NACHO: <Duncan> Fancy name, when we all know he just buys the cheapest
beer he can get and waters it down.

     By the time Duncan finished pouring the beer from its
biodegradable bulb into a tall glass, Da had maneuvered his bulk to
the easy chair with the help of his silver-headed cane.

SHEILA: Which he stole from Bruce Wayne.

NACHO: <Ozzie Mandrill> Oi, whot's that consarned bludger doing with my
walking truncheon? And why the didgeree-doo are we doing another
mandrill joke?

ACE: That's a REALLY tall glass, if it takes that long to fill.

The chair
creaked as the middle-aged man settled in.

NACHO: That was because they'd had to use industrial-strength steel to
hold his weight.

     "That's my boy," said Da, as he accepted his lager.  "Careful
with those, dear, just had them polished."

ACE: <Duncan> I know... the shininess of the biodegradable bulbs is
disturbing.

     Mum nodded politely as she removed Da's shoes.

NACHO: <Zelda> I'll just annoint your feet with butter.

     "Well," said Da, "You know what day it is, right?"

     "Yes, Dudley."

NACHO: <Zelda> Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic.

     "Yes, Da.  It's your birthday."

     "Right you are.  And what do we do on my birthday?"

JUNK: <Duncan> I wish I didn't know.

     "Presents!" chorused the others.

NACHO AND ACE: <Fred and George Weasley> A two-person chorus? How lame
can you get?

     "So where are they?"

SHEILA: <Duncan> Have you looked under your fat butt?

ACE: <Duncan> Whoops, my mistake. They were under mine.

     Mum went into the kitchenette and wheeled out a small cart.

NACHO: <Dudley> Ooh, food! My favorite!

On
it was heaped presents of various shapes and sizes.  Some people
might have found it impressive.

SHEILA: But the special effects people knew it was just a picture of
presents pasted on a cardboard backing.

But Duncan knew it was smaller than
last year's.

JUNK: This is Dudley. He didn't get many presents for his birthday,
until he made a call to Prenzyte, the natural present enhancer. Now, his
neighbors are jealous of his enormous package. And the Mrs. has a hard
time finding space in the bed... but she's not complaining!

     Da made a big show of counting the presents three times over,
just to make sure he hadn't missed any.

NACHO: Duncan rearranged them each time, hoping he could get Dudley to
count some duplicates.

Then he took a deep drink of
his lager, but there was a frown on his face now.

ACE: <Duncan> Oops... did I let it go flat? Those biodegradable bulbs
just don't have the preservative power of aluminum.

     "We must make do, Dear," said Mum soothingly.

     "Yes, yes, we must," replied Da, glaring at Duncan.

JUNK: <Dudley> You heard your mother, boy! Out of the room! Mommy and
Daddy time!

The boy
fidgeted.

     Anything Da might have added was cut off by a sound from outside
the window.

ACE: <Dr. Evil> Shh!

NACHO: (sings) The peeper, the peeper, what's going through his head?

The sound of rushing wings, followed by a pecking on the
pane.  It sounded too big to be a pigeon.

SHEILA: Clearly, they've never lived in a major city.

     Da's face drained of all its color.  Duncan had never seen that
happen before.

NACHO: His father's hyperactive emotions could turn his face red, blue,
green, yellow, or burnt umber at any time, but this was the first time
he'd gone transparent.

ACE: Never having seen the condition before, Duncan immediately reached
for his paint-by-numbers.

Then his father stood up, spilling the cart of
presents all over the floor.  "No!"

NACHO: <Dudley> There was probably food in there!

     The large man hobbled to the window, blocking any view of what
lay beyond it.

ACE: And what lay before it. And around it. And pretty much everything
in that hemisphere.

Whatever was out there, Da didn't like it.

SHEILA: Jenny Craig?

"No!  You
can't have him!  Not *my* boy!"

ACE: <Dudley> I'm fattening him up for Thanksgiving dinner!

He drew the curtains closed with a
savage jerk.

NACHO: <Gary Busey> Let me know if you ever need help with a drape or a
blanket.

     Mum embraced Duncan, whispering some sort of prayer.  He didn't
understand why, she'd always said religion was for fools.

NACHO: Nothing's more foolish than a mother in love.

SHEILA: (smacks Nacho)

     Da turned, some of the color back in his face, and trod on
presents to reach Duncan.

ACE: Then trod on Duncan to reach the rest of the presents.

     "Listen son, I know I haven't been the best father, but you must
believe me now and obey!

NACHO: <Duncan> I hear... and obey. I hear... and obey.

SHEILA: Isn't this what Darth Vader said to his kid?

You mustn't read their letters, you mustn't
take anything they give you, and you especially mustn't listen to
anything they say!

ACE: <Dudley> The Columbia Record Club suckered me with their penny
CDs....

If you do, they'll take you away and make you one
of them."

     "One of who, Da?  Who's out there?"

NACHO: <Borg> Resistance is futile.

     An owl's hoot came from outside the window, as if in mocking
answer.

SHEILA: The owls are going to kidnap Duncan?

ACE: The forests of London have changed, but the owls are still around.

     "The freaks, Duncan.  Freaks who should have been drowned at
birth.

SHEILA: <Dudley> Hideous creatures they are... with gills!

My mother told me when I was little, about the freaks, but we
let one live.  We should never have done."

NACHO: <Dudley> And now look at how you've turned out.

Da was almost whispering
now.

     There was a knocking at the door, an insistent one that gave the
impression that the person knocking was not going to go away.

ACE: It spelled "IRS" in Morse Code.

NACHO: Minerva's Witnesses!

Mum
jumped a bit, and squeezed Duncan tighter.

NACHO: I'm amazed she can get her arms around him to begin with.

JUNK: <Duncan> Mum, I really wish you wouldn't grab me THERE.

The rain outside
intensified, and the crash of thunder could be heard.

ACE: The lightning was on strike.

NACHO: *rimshot*

     "Go away!" shouted Da.  "I've a gun here, and properly
licensed!"

SHEILA: <Dudley> And I'm paper-trained! Mostly.

He had no such thing, but moved towards the side of the
door, walking stick raised to strike.

NACHO: Shame it's not a matchstick. Then he'd be ready for a Lucky
Strike.

     "I'm not afraid of your silly little boomsticks," said whoever
was on the other side of the door.

ALL: It's Bruce Campbell!

NACHO: <Bruce> Groovy.

The voice was hauntingly familiar
to Duncan, but he was also sure he'd never heard it before.

ACE: This was his first time seeing the subtitled version of his life.

     "I'll shoot!  I swear!" snarled Da.

SHEILA: <Dudley> If you're lucky, I might even wait until the door's
open!

     "Well, this I must see.  Alohamora?  Ahanmako?

NACHO: <Voice> Anawanna?

ACE: <Voice> Amon Ra?

SHEILA: <Voice> Aweemawep, aweemawep...

JUNK: <Voice> Anna Nicole Smith?

NACHO: <Voice> Ah, screw it. I'm calling a locksmith.

Oh bother, it's
been far too long since I've done this.  Open Sesame!"

NACHO: <Big Bird> The door is open! Now the door is closed. Now the door
is open!

     The lockpad on the near side of the door fizzled, and the door
swung open.

ACE: <Voice> Ah, a good bit of spit and polish will fix anything...
minus the polish, in this case.

Beyond it was what looked like a black isosceles
triangle with a small white dot near its apex.

NACHO: One of the cousins from Katamari Damacy!

     As Father brought down his stick,

ALL: WHO?

NACHO: Oh, right. Da. The name change caught me off guard.

the triangle moved, and Duncan
could see that it was a man in black robes, with a black pointy hat
that had a large brim.

ACE: Halloween already?

NACHO: <The Fool> (gibbers) Why are you dressed up like a charcoal
pencil?

SHEILA: The Goths are out early this year.

The rain had soaked the brim through, so that
it hung down over the man's face, showing only the pale chin and
bloodless lips.

NACHO: (sings) It's a white man... in black clothing... on the doorstep.

The man caught the oncoming stick with a long, pale
hand.

SHEILA: <White Man in Black Clothing on the Doorstep> Thanks, Thing.

NACHO: He just came from the ballpark, where they were handing out giant
novelty foam hands.

     "Stupid Muggle.  Silver's for werewolves.  Stupefy."

NACHO: <Dudley> (scoffs) Stupid wizard. Tricks are for kids.

SHEILA: <Duncan> (freezes)

A slender
wand had appeared in the man's other hand, and the sparks from it
knocked Da to the floor.

NACHO: Good thing he didn't find the magic book. That makes it shoot
fire.

     Duncan found himself unable to do anything but gape.

ACE: The Stupefy spell has quite a wide range.

     The man in black turned to the boy and smiled.  "Well now, I
realize it's been a good long time, Duncan, but don't you have any
words of welcome for your dear old Uncle Draco?"

ALL: DEAR OLD UNCLE DRACO?!

NACHO: Does that mean that Zelda's a Malfoy?

SHEILA: It's probably just a term of endearment. "Draco-ojiichan"
translated into English or something.

NACHO: But this is Harry Potter. It's not in Japanese.

SHEILA: It's Harry Potter. It's in EVERY language.

ACE: Somebody had better explain what it means, then.

                  END CHAPTER ONE

ACE: Okay... maybe next time.

Thoughts? Comments?

NACHO: Not a one. My brain a splode.

ACE: Here's one. DEAR OLD UNCLE DRACO?!

I'm disappointed that Archie Comics bans fanfics, because the
mangafied Sabrina would be very ficcable...

JUNK: Oh, yes. VERY.

NACHO: That's not an L, Junk.

JUNK: So I see. Never mind.

SKJAM!

NACHO: (falls down)

ACE: Gotta watch those Batman sound effects.

<END FANFIC>

NACHO: What... that was it?

ACE: Yep. Your daily dose of Dursley.

SHEILA: Well, that wasn't so bad. I'm kind of growing attached to
Doughnut.

NACHO: If Zelda really turns out to be a Malfoy, that opinion may
change.

ACE: Dunno... Draco seems to have changed, somehow. He's different.
Taller, maybe. New haircut.

SHEILA: I think it's because he grew up hating Mudbloods, and now he's
suddenly playing Hagrid for one.

ACE: Hagrid would have smashed the door in. And probably crushed Dudley.

NACHO: I'm not sure I'll be able to accept a cool Draco.

JUNK: You should go browse the fanfiction.net Harry Potter section for a
while. After reading a few hundred yaoi fics where Draco mates with
every other male character in the series, and several other series, and
about a thousand fangirl authors, this Draco will be as in-character as
Akane smacking Ranma with a mallet.

NACHO: When Junk is the voice of reason, I know I'm too tired to go on.

ACE: We'll see you readers in the next chapter.

SHEILA: And more Doughnut. A HOLE lot more Doughnut.

REALLY REAL PRODUCTIONS IS:
NIDOKING

... AND JUSTICE FOR ALL? is by Scott K. "SKJAM" Jamison

-

"How was your day?"

     "Note from Teacher."





Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do
it himself.

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