Ha. Talk about delayed; while we're at it, let's not. Indeed, there had been
more chapters of this released already. But since I C&C stuff that's far more
delayed than this one, it's still good. 

Homer Simpson: It's just a little bit delayed! It's still good! It's still
good!

I know a lot of chapters have already been posted in the FFML to render this
C&C moot, but... (shrugs) Meh. I've finished it, so I'm going to post this. I
certainly won't let good (or bad, depending on your take on it) C&C go to
waste. Now on to your regularly scheduled C&C.

Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to misquote
facts and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at
one point can easily be retracted on the next, depending on how the story
progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I
see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your
fic? You have the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you
can use and ignore the rest. ^_^

It also occurs to me that my lexicon may not be at par with yours, so any
unfamiliar word I ask about isn't necessarily a correction but just general
ignorance on my part (as pointed out by a certain Thomas Michael Edwards). As
such, it'd be appreciated if you'd have the patience to clear up some of my
questions on those particular instances. Thanks.

And, without further adieu, my next victim is... ^_^

On 1/16/06, Morgan Hudson <dataraven_659@hotmail.com> wrote:

Seriously, the second chapter is way harder than the first. 

Damn straight. Then again, I see that these difficulties you've experienced in
creating a second chapter is made apparent by the myriad of errors not found in
the first chapter. More on this later.
 

Well, those certainly don't sound like words I will live to regret... ^_^

Fred Gallagher and Krista Perry-Fisk: (shakes their heads in unison)
 
If it helps,

send me a line letting me know. If it makes your eyes bleed, send me a line
letting me know. I'll take anything, as long as it is C&C.

(shrugs) And here you have it. Ah, that's right; your little formatting
experiment worked. It's now all better.
 

Have I mentioned that I thrive on C&C? 

Have I mentioned that I've made certain people who say 'C&C appreciated' eat
their words... whole and unsalted? ^_^

I am like a tiny flower, parched for

the smallest drop of attention from you, the kind and wonderful readers of
the FFML. 

Aw, shucks... No wonder you've gotten so many replies from many a reviewer in
the FFML for the past few months (aside from great writing). ^_^ Who's going to
say no to _that_?

Aw, shucks, I'm getting all misty-eyed over here. On with the fic, already!

I concur. The 'on with the fic' part, that is.
 

REVAMPED LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Whatever else may have changed in this story
of mine, trust me - the Sailor Senshi still belong to Kodansha and
Cloverway, and the Samurai Troopers are the legal property of Sunrise and
Bandai Entertainment. So are all of their related friends and associates.
I am only borrowing them for a few chapters, and I intend no harm. So
let's all remind ourselves that it's just a fanfiction and we really
should relax...

Jeez, there's a lot of these 'opening credits' (as with the last time). Suggest
putting this in the author notes, so we asshole readers can easily skip through
them. :P Oh, and as always, suggest putting in the names of Naoko Takeuchi and
Hajime Yamate in there as well; please? Even though they're merely the
respective _authors_ of Sailor Moon and YST.

Chapter 2: The Devils And The Deep Blue Sea

(ahem) When using the title case, as always, please make sure that articles,
conjunctions and whatnot are in small caps while verbs, adjectives, and nouns
are in large caps.

That is, suggest: "The Devils and the Deep Blue Sea".

       Nise Suiko's mouth twisted with distaste. Every year, these grimy
little humans had the nerve to perform a 'purification' ritual in this
water. As if they had the right to decide what was and wasn't dirty; as
if filth could be expected to judge filth.

Ol' Nise has an interesting take on things. His little internal, unsaid
monologue almost sounds... profound.

ghastly old priest wanted to see two seperate 

seperate --> separate

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

       The only thing left to do was be nice and obvious, just like
Badamon wanted. With a sneer of distaste, Nise Suiko thrust his arm
up into the sky. As he clenched his fist, red lightning crackled through
the sky 

Suggest: sky --> heavens (to avoid slight redundancy of having two 'sky' words
in one paragraph)

       "That's right," he growled, almost to himself. "Feel it, Shin.

Marky Mark: Feel it, feel it, feel the vibrashun!

I want you to come, Suiko no Shin! I want you here,

and I want you to bring every friend you've got!"

Suiko no Shin: ...Ick.
 
Lightning split the sky and thunder

ripped through the abandoned beach as Nise Suiko threw his head back and
began to cackle. It was a crazed, warbling laugh, stretched on for much
longer than should have been possible without needing breath. 

Nice and refreshing take on the classic 'maniacal laugh'. Thank you for not
opting to simply and lazily put there, "Nise Suiko laughed maniacally."

Vepres

cowered behind his coral, his blank eyes expressing a vague concern for
his continued well-being.

wellbeing (surprisingly, a dictionary-verifiable word/d-v-w; no need for the
comma in between 'well' and 'being')
 

       Nise Suiko's fingers twitched, and the entire waterspout flexed.

Waterspout: (a la Johnny Bravo, flexes around)

       There was absoulutely 

I've never seen that word (absolutely) spelled that way. Incidentally, is that
its Commonwealth spelling or is that just a typographical error kind of
spelling?

nothing that Usagi Tsukino hated more than

a good mystery. 

Conan Edogawa: Feh.
 

       With a deep and hearfelt sigh, 

hearfelt --> heartfelt

       Usagi did not have bad eyesight - the fact that she was able to
read at all in such poor light was testament to sharp eyes and a childhood
filled with carrot sticks. 

(rim clash)

Usagi: ^_^

Usagi had wondered whether it was possible to properly meditate

in a t-shirt and a backwards ball cap, but apparently that was a new
question to add to her growing list of things it wasn't worth asking Rei

Replace the 'it' in between 'list of things' and 'wasn't worth asking' with
'that'.

Apparently Artemis is still sick, and Luna's been keeping him company.

Suggest: (though it might make the sentence sound disjointed) Apparently,
Artemis...

Minako doesn't want him to know that we may up to something again, or you

Add 'be' in between 'that we may' and 'up to something'.

Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Coming back to the hotel was a

welcome relief. "She also wanted you to know that if you're expecting any
trouble, she and Michiru can get to Yokohama in under twenty minutes."

Suggest: any trouble; she and Michiru (substitute the comma after 'trouble'
with a semicolon)
 

       Ami winced. This was the bad part of the report. "Not really.
She's not at home, and when I tried to reach her cell phone it just went
straight to her voicemail. As far as I can tell, she doesn't even have
her communicator on her - I tried using that, too, and didn't even get a
signal. Haruka said that she stopped by their place yesterday 

Whose place? Makoto's or Michiru's?

       "Weird. Mako-chan's not usually this hard to get ahold of."

a hold 

Ahold does not exist as a word in Standard English. Even if you're going to
defend it with the ol' "dialogue need not be so rigidly correct", it's not
going to hold up. Suggest revision.

just enjoy a nice day at the beach while they were at it. Multi-coloured

Multicoloured (dictionary-verifiable word, no need for the hyphen)

Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!). 

Surfboards

dotted the sand like the neon teeth of a massive shark: 

Nice descriptive prose, as always.

with the coming

of the typhoon season, the local surfers were looking forward to the first
really good waves of the season. 

The repetition of 'season' sounds a bit redundant to me. Suggest: getting rid
of the 'of the season' part of the sentence altogether.

Grammar Rule #13: Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous and can be excessive.

The sun had already made its presence

very well known, 

Suggest: getting rid of the 'very well' to keep the kitsch
factor/over-exaggeration from creeping in your prose. IMO.

and swarms of younger children had taken to the water

to escape the baking heat. A number of priests waded in the shallows,
smiling and nodding amicably to the kids as they splashed about where the
large floating shrines filled with charms and talismans waited to be
purified in the seas for the year. 

Hmmm. My old college professor has a name for this sort of sentence. It's the
"Too many thoughts in your sentence" type of sentence (also called the run-on
sentence). It would do for easier reading to just limit one thought per
sentence. For example, that one sentence was saying:

-A number of priests waded in the shallows.
-A number of priests were smiling and nodding amicably to the kids.
-The kids were splashing about.
-Large floating shrines filled with charms and talismans waited to be purified
in the seas for the year.

...All at the same time. And readers can get easily tired trying to get your
meaning with such a complicated monster of a sentence. In any case, we can
easily cut the sentence into two, maybe even into three sentences for easier
reading.

Suggest: A number of priests waded in the shallows, smiling and nodding
amicably to
the kids playing nearby. These happy children splashed about merrily in large
floating shrines filled with charms and talismans waiting to be purified in the
seas for the year.

Or something like that. ^^; Just don't overwork each individual sentence.
Simplify and all that jazz. :) 

Grammar Rule #71: Avoid making run-on sentences that go on and on such that
each and every dependent and independent clause is connected by conjunctions,
prepositions, redundancy, and over-punctuation; it's simply not kosher to see
so many thoughts in one sentence when you can simply separate them into
standalone ones--after all, it's better to make a paragraph from several
sentences than make a paragraph out of a single sentence, even though said
sentence may seem grammatically correct to you... Keep in mind, overworking a
sentence with so many thoughts stuffed into it can lessen the impact of its
meaning, and can thoroughly confuse your reader to boot. 

After his

screams last night had woken the entire house, he and Ryo and Shuu had

Suggest: he, Ryo, and Shuu had

       Hence, it had fallen to Shin to serve as a forward scout of sorts.
As the Yoroi Senshi of Suiko, his armour's magic gave him a supernatural
affinity for the water. If his evil twin wanted to try anything, then
Shin would be waiting nearby to counter it and show Nise Suiko exactly
who was the *real* master of the seas. 

The brief recap of who's who and what's what is duly appreciated. It's nice to
know that the author is catering to the YST-unbriefed masses of anime fandom.

Of course, as they had reasoned,

if they were lucky nothing would happen at all and they would have to
settle for a day of hanging out on the beach, playing in the water and
working on their tans. Considering they were officially supposed to be on
vacation anyway, it had seemed like a risk worth taking.

(sweatdrop) ^^; Yeah, there's that...

       "Hey, Shin! How's tricks?" Safely ensconced in inflatable rubber,

'How's tricks'? I'm not really familiar with the term. Care to enlighten me,
dear author?

       "Oh, I'd never dream of kidding you," Shin assured his friend.
Clearly, Shuu was a little self-conscious. "Heading over to that big
rock shaped like a hat? It's a bit of a way - we'd go faster if I gave
you a lift." Sitting up, Shin scooched

Scooched? Shouldn't that be 'scooted' or something? Is that even a word?
Correct me if I'm wrong.

       "Hey, I'll scare you up a date, too," Shuu said amicably. "Maybe
one of the babes I snag will have, like, a slightly less hot sister, or
something. But we'll have lots of time for girls later, man - we gotta
keep focused, here! 

Suggest: We gotta keep focused, here!

...Because it's not so much an aside as it is an independent clause that can,
without the dash, work as a standalone sentence. So... yeah. Cap 'we' into
'We'.
 

       "Badly, as usual. Guy nearly threw a fit trying to convince me
to let him come out here and get part of the action. I told him he was
better off sticking to the beach - Ryo and water don't exactly mix."

...Like oil? Like a chunk of sodium?

Besides which, she

had the advantage of being above the crowds, and one of the best perks of
being Sailor Mercury was that she could provide her own air conditioning.

And bubble baths. Let's not forget the bubble baths.

If something didn't happen soon to boost Usagi's power back

up again, it would not be long before she would be unable to become Sailor
Moon at all.

Now that's an interesting plot point.

Itsuko (Sailor Moon 4200): (cries) 

       Ami crouched down and poked her head over the edge of the store.
Standing below her was a perfectly normal looking boy with shoulder-length
black hair and a white shirt with a large stylised 'R' on the chest. 

The Red Ribbon Army has finally found a way to cross the Multiverse! Next on
the newest Dragonball series, Dragonball ABCDEFG!

He

had a few bags of rice crackers tucked under one arm, and was passing the
shopkeeper some money with his free hand. He looked up, and their gazes
met with an almost audible click.

Conan Edogawa: (hears the almost audible click) I got it! I know who the killer
is! ...Wait, that's not right. That wasn't _my_ mental click!

He wore the

word 'hot' like it was a nametag. Somehow, he gave off the impression that
if he went into the ocean he would generate steam.

If I didn't know better, I'd say that this was a rabid fangirl's fanfic. ;)

whisk a girl off on some whirlwind romance that ended with passionate
kisses in front of a roaring fireplace, and Ami had no idea how to let
him know that she was very busy saving the world and had no time for that
at the moment. Also, that he would need to call her back after she was
done saving things and could clear her schedule.

Heh. Though I'm a bit 'disappointed' at this point... Not yours or the fic
faults, but my own, 'coz by this time I was expecting Ami to clue-in to the
reader that when she says 'hot' and 'steamy', she meant it in literal terms
(that is, the guy actually has firepower not unlike Mars or something, and Ami
can sense it).
 

       Wait. She didn't actually mean that, did she? It wasn't like she
was one of those silly Senshi who forgot about their mission as soon as an
unbelievably handsome face showed up, was she? 

Usagi: (was about to sneeze, but tumbled forward to a facefault instead)

Maybe if she ran away very

quickly and found a paper bag to breathe in it would all go away and she
would be back to normal. At the very least, she would need a convenient
rock to hide under. Maybe the rock would have some paper bags that she
could borrow. Just until the world stopped spinning. 

Now you're just scaring me, fic. This characterization reminds me more of, um,
my friend Jose Argao's characterization of Ami Mizuno in his fic "A Time for
Wild Horses". That is, the Ami there too has dillydallying thoughts about hunks
and how she thinks she shouldn't have dillydallying thoughts about hunks, all
the while dillydallying all the way. 

It was all in good fun all the same, though. ^_^

Sailor Mercury was

the responsible Senshi. She did not have these kinds of reactions to boys.
Ami Mizuno had practiced the art of being invisible to the opposite sex
specifically to avoid things like this. How could she possibly face the
other Sailor Senshi if she let herself get all flustered and tongue-tied
over some random guy? She was supposed to be saving the world!

Yeah. I can imagine Ami acting that way (and I have read of an Ami acting that
way). But still, FYI in the anime (an OAV of some sort, if I remember
correctly), Ami was acting quite the opposite from the way you're portraying
her; that is, she actually embraces her femininity by swooning over a guy, even
though trouble was already underfoot. OTOH, the guy she was swooning for had an
incredibly high IQ (though she still imagines him as some sort of Clark
Kent/Superman person who's good-looking and smart), so it's most likely she
only goes gaga for guys for their minds or something and all the other 'hot'
guys she simply dithers upon. 

       "Hi," the boy said calmly, as he lifted a paper cup filled with
shaved ice. "My name's Ryo Sanada. Want some ice? You look a little hot."

Heh. Cute scene.

**********

       "All right, off you get," Shin said cheerfully, as Shuu clambered

Uh, 'off you get'? Shouldn't that be, 'off you go'? Or is this yet another
colloquialism that I don't know about? 

off of the board and splashed his way over to the island with all of the
agility and grace of a wounded pelican. 

Heh. I misread the whole thing as 'wounded policeman', which is weird as a term
but kind of apt in describing 'kind of agile, but also slightly ambling and
awkward'. :P

suit, too. They called it their 'undergear': not their full armour, but
enough to make a real difference if trouble popped up unexpectedly. 

Batman: That's what I call my costume too. My 'undergear'.

Superman: I'm rather fond of 'athletic tights' myself.

Wonder Woman: I have no excuse. What I'm wearing is _definitely_ underwear.

       Ami looked down at the small cup. She supposed it would be rude of
her to refuse a gift, when the strange boy -Ryo- was trying so hard to be
polite. Plus, she was feeling a little bit dry in the back of her throat.
Maybe just a little scooop 

scoop (extra 'o' in 'scoop')

And if

they're up on a rooftop in this weather, they're probably baking. Then I
figured: hey! I bet they would like some shaved ice, or something. And
here we are."

Suggest: 'figured: Hey!' (cap 'hey' into 'Hey') 

everybody? How do you avoid getting slapped? Or married? Anybody with
eyes like that needed to be slapped or married on a regular basis before
they became a threat to all womankind. And enough with the sexy voice! A
girl could not be held responisble 

responsible

Heh. Sailor Mercury has got it hard. She's beginning to misspell words in her
own monologue. ^_^

for what happened when she was being

forced to listen to a sexy voice like that!

This section of the fic reads like A Time for Wild Horses, except I'm actually
enjoying myself while reading it. ^^ Kudos.
 

       "I figured," Ryo said, completely ignorant of Ami's wild and
silent protests. "So if we're both stuck in the back row by ourselves, do
you want to keep an eye on things together? At least that way, we won't
have to be hot, sticky, bored AND lonely."

Ryo: (after a hawt make-out session with Sailor Mercury) Well, two out of three
ain't so bad.

Mercury: (jokingly) You mean bored and lonely? 

So you can just take your shaved ice and your perfect features

and your sexy voice, AND your stares that make people's knees all wobbly
and find your own damned rooftop! That's right, I said 'damned'! That's
how completely unaffected by you I am, Ryo Sanada!

LOL. Even though it sound soooo newbie at this point, definitely 'LOL'. That
little character internal really made me laugh.

       "Sure," she said, with a shrug. "That sounds... really neat."

Ichitaka Seto (I"s): (knows exactly how Ami feels with the 'thinks one thing,
says another thing', er, thing)

There were thick shelves

of coral as far as the eye could see, forming miniature mountain ranges
and meandering valleys amongst the soft white sand. A school of fish
darted by in the distance, probably going on about their business now that
the shark was gone. It all seemed perfectly peaceful, except that it
wasn't.

Yet another round of wonderful descriptive prose. I particularly like this, but
that shouldn't be much of a surprise since I'm a fan of even archaic 19th
century prose. Yeah, back then writers tended to choke their prose purple with
inapt thesaurus words and overly descriptive passage that read a mile long, but
there's something to be said about establishing the setting as effectively, if
not more so, as a opening camera pan of a high-budget movie. It tickles my
imagination, it does.
 

       He couldn't tell exactly what was going on, but no matter how hard
he tried Shin 

Suggest: he tried, Shin

When a speaker identifies who is spoken to, the identification must be
separated from anything else by a comma.

These commas may seem like a little thing, but they are vitally important,
because leaving them out can completely change the meaning of your sentence.

"I wanna eat, Rei!" is business as usual for Usagi. "I wanna eat Rei!" is the
opening line of a Sailor Moon lemon fic.

       Shin looked around, taking in the terrain. There is something
here, he thought to himself, that does not belong. One of these things is
not like the others, as the old song used to go. There was coral, sand,
some shells, a few anemones, a moral eel 

(giggles)

Moral Eel says: Don't have premarital sex or I'll electrocute you, fool!

I believe it's supposed to be 'moray eel'.

       "Hold on a tick," Shin muttered, 

Shaggedelic use of Commonwealth Colloquialisms, baby. 

       Launching himself off of the seabed, Shin crosssed 

crossed

Do something about that keyboard. If it's not your keyboard, then consider
proofreading or at the very least having this fic spellchecked before you send
it out.

the distance

with a single powerful kick of his armoured legs. He gently inverted
himself again and set down next to the strangely uniform plantlife. 

Suggest: plant-life

Shin pulled his hand back quickly and rubbed his eyes with

his fingertips. Was it just him, or was that stuff already bigger than it
had been when he came over? It was nearly as high as his knees, now, and

Methinks you don't need the comma after 'knees'.

       "Well," he said primly, "it seems pretty bloody clear to me that
you little chaps are out of your element. Not sure it's quite proper, the
way you're all wriggling about like that: plantlife ought to know its

Suggest: plant-life

Did you, by any chance, watched a UK/Australian/whatever dub of YST? ^-^

Luna: (DIC dub) Bloody hell, leave the author and his colloquialisms alone
already!

       "Ah, give them a chance," a sickeningly familiar voice said from
behind him. "You never know, they might grow on you."

How are they still talking underwater without subtitles? :P

and leapt

forward. Nise Suiko staggered back a few steps as the blue-armoured teen
slammed into his stomach, knocking them both down in a cloud of swirling
dirt and streaming air bubbles. A metal-clad fist flashed out of the
silt, slamming into his face with enough force to make his ears ring.

More to the point, how come their punches can still have the same impact
underwater as over the water? I mean, wouldn't all that water and air pressure
buffer their attacks even a _little_ bit?

       "I figure," Shin said, in a tone of icy calm, "if I just keep
beating on you enough, people won't be able to say we look alike any more.
Sound like a plan?"

Shin: After all, since we're doing the 'defying of physics' thing already, why
not take advantage of it? 

       "Go stuff yourself," Shin spat back, and hurled himself back into

Tsk. Those damn censors and their lame replacement 'profanity'. 

the fray. Plunging downwards at his prone double, Shin balled up his fist
and brought it down with all his strength just as Nise Suiko brought up
his knees and caught the other boy in the gut. 

Er, shouldn't a simple flap of his legs enable him to avoid the knee? Let me
remind you, they _are_ underwater, where their offensive attacks are limited to
ramming each other.

Reeling back, the two

seperated 

separated

an irate moray eel slithered out into the open water, snapping angrily
in the direction of the battling teens. Nise Suiko swatted at it angrily,

Another bit of redundancy in that paragraph. Suggest: replacing either one of
the 'angrily' adverbs with irately/furiously/impatiently/etc.

Grammar Rule #13: Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous and can be excessive.

       "Could you PLEASE lay off the face?" Nise Suiko groaned as he
reached up and gingerly tried to move his nose back into its proper
position. Shin responded by punching his double in the stomach and then
bringing both fists down on the base of Nise Suiko's skull. 

Did YST have an episode where Shin moved un-buffered by the dense water and
intense water pressure? 'Coz the way they're moving is more reminiscent of an
underwater-Popeye-walking-talking-and-charging-at-Bluto-unabated episode (that
is, I find these 'special abilities' as realistic as a Looney Tunes Cartoon;
ridiculous cartoon physics and all that).

       Shin advanced, and the woozy Nise Suiko extended his hand, fingers
spread wide. The ocean warped, and Shin gasped as a vortex of water sprang
up around him. 

Nise Suiko: (remembers) Oh yeah! We're underwater. Couldn't tell with all this
'defying the laws of physics' stuff going on...

       A pair of crimson arms wrapped firmly around his chest and the
world stopped spinning with a lurch that nearly left Shin's stomach in
his boots. He would have thanked his rescuer, but the half nelson 

Suggest: half-nelson

that he

was being placed in made him suspect that it had not been for his own
good.

Chris Masters: No, this is how you do it! ('Masterlocks' Shin, swings him
around from side to side)

       Shin's double almost gently angled them downwards, careful that
nothing broke the surface of the waves a few feet above their heads. Once
they were oriented properly, Nise Suiko kicked his feet and launched them
back towards the sea floor, head first.

Suggest: headfirst (d-v-w)

       Shin had gone down almost eight minutes ago. 

Yeah? Reading it felt like it's been centuries. No offense man, but... the
whole thing was a drag. Sure, it's well-written, but its pacing definitely
needs work.
(Not to mention my suspension of disbelief that went out of whack once I began
reading those two... twins battling it out--and talking--under the sea as if
they were on the ground, unhampered by millions of gallons of water. What is
this, the freakin' Little Mermaid?) I'll delve more on this particular point
later.

had an equally bad habit of happening to him every time he was away from
his friends, too, but Shuu would not have been Shuu if he thought of it

Suggest: getting rid of the comma after 'his friends' 'coz 'too' seems more at
home with the company of 'his friends', if you catch my drift.

like that. He knew he could take of himself, on account of how he was

Revise: He knew he could take care of himself, (add 'care' in between 'take'
and 'of')

Suggest: He knew that he could take care of himself, (add 'that' in between
'knew'
and 'he' and then add 'care' in between 'take' and 'of')

a totally cool super badass. His friends, however, lacked the natural
advantage that being Shuu Rei Fuan lent him.

Heh. Cute.

       "Weird," he muttered to himself. "Never knew the ocean needed a
shave, before. 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I do believe you don't need the comma after
'shave'. On the other hand, cute monologue on Shuu's part.

       Shuu groaned and turned around to look behind him. Sure enough,
perched on the exact top of the boulder he had been circling was a
creature that seemed to be made entirely out of plants. 

Mokuren (as Vepres): Ever since the Flame of Recca manga ended, I've been hard
up on jobs. Just last week, I was in yet another Evil Dead fanfic. After this
gig, I'm scheduled to go on a... you guessed it... lemon fic featuring tentacle
demon rape. Life sucks. 

With a grim smile, the stocky Chinese boy cracked his knuckes

knuckles

       "I said I was trying to save time, here!" Shuu bellowed, and

I don't think you need the comma after 'time'.

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

lunged at the youma with his fists clenched and ready. With a single
well-placed haymaker, he sent Vepres flying backwards off of the rock. It
was a punch that would have shattered cement, had it landed on something

I also don't think you need the comma after 'cement'.

that had any resistance. Vepres, unfortunately, had the resiliency of a
rubber ball - there were no bones to break, only flexible and spongy
plant matter. Somersaulting in mid-air, 

midair (d-v-w)

armour. Rolling with the blows, Shuu ducked and slid under his opponent's
guard. The uppercut began somewhere near his ankles and exploded on
contact with what passed for Vepres' chin. 

Shuu: SHORYUKEN!
 

       "Good work," Nise Suiko said appraisingly, as he walked out from

I really don't think you need the comma after 'appraisingly' (more on this at
the end notes).

Dark energy and evil intentions were like signal flares for him, and he
was getting a very familiar tingle between his eyes that told him that
whatever they had been waiting for, it was about to happen.

That's a nice bit of exposition; it's a fresh take on the tired ol' cliche of
'A flash of lightning seemed to hit Ryo Sanada in between the eyes; he sensed
that trouble was certainly brewing.'
 
Damn! He had wanted to

make a good impression, too. He'd have to make a point to be extra
charming from now on, or she might decide he was some kind of jerk.

Heh.
 

       "Sailor Mercury," he said quietly, to get her attention, "we're

Methinks you do not need the comma after 'quietly'.

going to need to move really fast, soon. You ready?"

Methinks you do not need the comma after 'fast'.
 

       "I thought we were the only ones who had those things," Mercury
muttered to herself and rubbed the turqouise 

turquoise (I'm fairly sure 'turqouise' isn't a Commonwealth spelling)

       Rising above the waves was a thick carpet of slimy green
tentacles, writhing and weaving amongst each other like a moving carpet of
snakes as they surged inland. 

So where's Gojira when you need him?

The remains of crumbled surfboards and

weakly flailing limbs stood mute testament to the people who had already

I believe you're missing an 'in' in between 'stood' and 'mute'.

shore. Screams filled the air, and the roar of the surf was mingled with
a sickening series of squelches and groans as the snakelike 

(thundershocked) Wow. 'Snakelike' without the hyphen, so I don't need to point
out my usual d-v-w correction. Now I've seen everything.

Arms and legs grew out of the main vines, as bulbous growths began to

You don't need the comma after 'vines'.

       "Ah, crap," she muttered, and glanced over at the boy as he
wrapped his tiny arms around her leg and buried his face in the back of
her knee.

Good thing the boy wasn't tall enough to bury his face in her... Never mind.

carry her. The child started wailing at the top and Usagi resisted the

Um, 'at the top' of what? His lungs? 

urge to join him. After all, she was supposed to be a superhero, of sorts,
when she was able to do it, and if there was one thing that Sailor Moon
was known for, it was keeping a cool head in all situations.

Heh. But according to the first episode of the anime, Usagi wailing and
bellyaching is actually an attack of some sort.
 

       Well, okay, maybe that was not what she was BEST known for, but
Usagi had been working really hard on it lately. If Rei found out that she
had broken down and cried again, she was going to make Usagi put more
money in that stupid jar of hers. 

Heheheh. Cute.

It was a real shame, too, because with

big slimy tentacles grabbing people and plant monsters bouncing around

You don't need the comma after 'shame'.

like locusts it seemed like the perfect time for a good hysterical cry.

In fact, you can just transfer the comma after 'shame' right beside 'locusts'.

forward, their hands extruding similiar

similiar --> similar
 

       "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! I was SO dead, if you
hadn't come along, Rei! 

Suggest replacing, 'I was SO dead, if you' with 'I would've been SO dead if
you' or
'I was SO dead; if you hadn't come along, Rei...!' or 'I was SO dead. If you
hadn't come along, Rei!.

       Rei sighed again, slightly deeper. It was very hard to maintain
a cool, collected image around Usagi. Reaching down, she gingerly patted
her friend on the head as the other girl somehow managed to tighten a grip
that had already been cutting off Rei's circulation in that leg.

Awwww.

       Gripping his shirt, Ryo tore it open. The rest of his clothes
shredded of their own volition, revealing a close-fitting suit of red
and white undergear armour. 

Sailor Mercury: (catches sight of Ryo, squeals in fangirlish deli... er,
screams in embarrassment. Yeah. Embarrassment.)

Holding his arms out to either side the

dark-haired boy somersaulted through the air, 

Methinks you need a comma after 'side'.
 

       The second time he touched down on a broken piece of surfboard

Suggest: For the second time (add 'for' before 'the second time')

       Halfway to his goal, Ryo felt something slither around his ankle
and roughly yank him in the opposite direction. Glancing down as he swung
back in a parabolic arc, he saw that one of the plant creatures hiding in
the field of seaweed had decided to get frisky. 

Ryo: I WILL NOT BE THE FIRST GUY VICTIM OF TENTACLE RAPE!

       Ryo hit the water with in a wave of slimy algae, water and plants

Ryo hit the water with... what? 

Yet again, you're missing a word. Proofread is the key to avoiding this basic
mistake, my friend.

his assailants throwing themselves at him with renewed vigour. The strands
of slippery green seaweed came thicker, and stonger, 

stronger

Also, suggest: slippery seaweed became thicker, and stronger (change 'came' to
'became')

       "What is the matter, Ryo Sanada? Surely this is no challenge to a
mighty warrior such as yourself! Where is that legendary armour of yours
that I have come so far to see? Show me your white armour, Ryo! My young
could use such strength as that, to help us build a new army: one free of

I understand that 'My young' is technically correct, but it kind of sounds
incomplete nonetheless (well, at least to me it sounds that way). Ergo,
suggest: 
'My young saplings/younglings/children/offspring/etc. could use such strength
as that'

Also, suggest: getting rid of the comma after 'strength as that'.

       "Hi!" the girl chirped. "I'm Sailor Moon. Warrior of justice and
defender of the Earth - not to mention love, purity, and all things just
plain awesome. Ring a bell?"

Heh.
 

       Hopping gingerly off of the rock, Sailor Moon landed on one toe
atop the writhing bed of weeds and took a few steps forward. Meeting
gazes with the youma, she placed her hands on her hips and smiled
confidentally. 

(winced) Confidentially, i.e. between you and me, it's supposed to be
'confidently'.

Rule number two of being a Senshi was that any time there

was something this big going on, there was always one guy behind it. Dust
the main bad guy, and all the little ones would go away. It worked every
time, except for the occasions when it did not. 

(sweatdrop) As opposed to...?

Sometimes people forgot

that Usagi was the oldest and most experienced of the Senshi (except for
Minako, who didn't count because Usagi said so). 

Hmmm. I like your portrayal of Usagi this time around compared to the previous
chapter... if only because her sense of humor has somewhat improved in such a
way that I can suspend my disbelief and canon bias.

       "So," she said, tilting her head to one side, "you were saying
something about stealing people's energy to make an army? I gotta give
you credit: that's pretty old-school villany." 

villainy

the head youma down. "Are you sure you aren't looking for some kind of
powerful mystic artifact, or something? 

Suggest: getting rid of the comma after 'artifact'.

       "Uh..." Sailor Moon stopped and scratched her head, then snapped
her fingers and smiled gleefully. "I'm going to unleash a dreadful
attack! The worst I have ever subjected any monster to in the history of
my entire career: the Moon Secret Co-ordination!"

Double heh.
 

       The field of weeds behind Vepres tore asunder in a gout of flame

Suggest: The field of weeds behind Vepres were torn asunder

as Sailor Mars lunged forward, fire trailing from her fingers like
twisting ribbons of plasma. To his left there was an explosion of
frost-tippped

tipped (extra 'p')

You have a tendency to tap the keyboard thrice when all you need is to do it
twice.

       "BURNING MANDALA!"

       Vepres shrieked and dove out of the way as a series of fireballs
tore through the air over his head and blasted into the thick weeds.
Somehow, despite the ocean water that covered them, the plants began to
smolder. The smoke spiralled higher, and then plunged down suddenly
into the heart of the embers to cause a sudden blaze of expanding flame.

Shuu, Shin, and Ryo: (burning with the weeds) WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! Every
second of existence is like a THOUSAND EXCRUCIATING DEATHS!!!!!

       "SAILOR BODY ATTACK!" Sailor Moon hurtled through the air once
more, slamming her shoulder into his abdomen while he was off balance

Suggest: off-balance

'Sailor Body Attack?' So she's now, what, Rey Misterio Jr., doing a cross-body,
luchadore style? Or, god forbid, a Nacho Libre-style of body attack? Kidding
aside, isn't it supposed to be called, "Sailor Moon Body Slam", despite the
fact that it's, er, more juvenile-sounding (but more canon) than your version?

Sailor Mars' attack still flickered in his eyes, forming the names of
the gods she had embued 

imbued

       Ryo soared into the air trailing streamers of flame. At the apex
of his leap, the flaming Rekka Ken spun above his head, crackling with
energy as he hung above Vepres like the hammer of judgement 

Unless it's a commonwealth spelling, I believe it's supposed to be 'judgment'.

       That, as far as any of them would be able to recall afterwards,
had been when the world ended. First there had been the bang, a bang so

(shrugs) Suggest: bang --> explosion

You've been using a formal language in your narrative prose, so it's inapt to
see such an informal word in there. Be consistent.

all-consuming that it felt as if it might have been the biggest bang since
the first one. 

Ryo: (just had the 'biggest bang since the first one')

Sailor Mercury: (incensed, blushes furiously) 

Same here. bang --> explosion

       Rei, being the best of the three in situations like this, had time
to yelp and throw her arms in front of her face before she hit the sand
like a guided missile. Usagi, being the worst of the three in situations
like this, had her eyes shut the whole time and was still wailing when she
hit. 

Heh.

       "I think I ate somebody's flip-flop," Usagi moaned, placing her
hand on her stomach and coughing out a mouthful of sand. "Rei, are we
dead?"
       "No, Usagi."

(sigh) And here we are again with fanfic's tradition of having the girls name
each other through their real names instead of senshi names. How
unprofessional, even for Usagi... and especially for Rei.

       "Oh." Sailor Moon looked relieved for a moment, then slowly
changed her look to one of concern. "Rei?"

       "Yes, Usagi?"

       "Why are we not dead?"

XD

       "Ryo must have hurled us clear right before the attack went off,"
Ami suggested with a wince as she rubbed her back and hobbled back down
the beach to join her friends. "It's an amazing use of thermodynamics,
actually... does anybody have any Aspirin? I think I shall need a very
large amount of Aspirin."

Suggest: actually... Does (Because 'does' is the first word in a mostly
independent clause. If you want it to remain small-capped, then punctuate it
properly; use a semicolon after 'actually')

       Rei looked back the way that they had come, and blinked in
astonishment. The ocean had parted, literally split right down the middle
all the way from the shore to the island and its strangely shaped boulder.

Huh. Ryo is Moses.

       "Well, in his defence, it's not like any of ever do."

Any of... what? Again, missing word, 'us'.

       "We don't like to talk about them," Ryo answered, brushing her
question aside with a wave of his hand. "My question is, what the heck
is going on, here? We've run into a lot of nutballs 

Suggest: nut-balls

Personally, I'd use 'nut-jobs' myself, but it's a regional thing.

       "From what he said to me," Ryo interjected, "that thing was trying
to raise his own army to take over the Dynasty. And he didn't make it
sound like he working alone."

He _what_ alone? 

Revise: And he didn't make it sound like he was working alone. (missing word:
was)

was just waiting for Beryl to be out of the way so he could take over,
himself. And we paved the way for him."

I don't think you need the comma after 'take over'.

       "If Nise Suiko is involved, then you can count us in, too," Shin
said, stepping forward and putting his hands on his hips. "I'll be blowed

Suggest: blown/blown away/whatever (unless it's yet another Commonwealth
term/colloquialism that I'm unfamiliar with).

Though, really, you should think of a better way of saying that. ^_^

Tobias Funke (while in blue paint): No, I'm afraid I just blue myself.

Michael Bluth: There's got to be a better way to say that.

no idea about the Kikoutei. There had to be someone else, someone who
knew the Troopers a lot better than Ryo wanted them to.

Er... the author?

TO BE CONTINUED...

First off, great chapter, write more, yadda yadda... _but_ in your haste in
sending out such a timely chapter (as opposed to me and my late C&C), you've
made quite a lot of spelling errors. As such, the first on the list of grammar
rules that you've broken is...

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes. (Something that need
not be stated, but since everyone's ignoring this very basic rule, what the
hell. Spell-check, then spell-check your spell-check. If this fic was merely
sent to the list hastily, then proofread it. Please, don't make the FFML into
your personal spellchecker. Get prereaders/proofreaders if you haven't. I think
the main problem with this fic is that you sent this off without so much as a
reread as if it's a first or second draft; even though that may not be the
case, that was the impression I got from reading the fic. It's also of note
that I MAY HAVE MISSED ONE OR FIFTY SPELLING MISTAKES, so please _do_ proofread
this fic of yours carefully BY YOURSELF; that's because I firmly believe that
the author himself should be his own harshest critic.)

Grammar Rule #13: Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous and can be excessive. (Heh. Maybe I should use my own
advice, but then again what I'm doing here is C&C and not fanfic. Well, authors
can get real touchy about the subject of redundancy. Some authors debate that
redundancy and repeated words can be a good thing, since substituting them with
more esoteric terms can make the story redundant in a whole different way.
Still, there are other authors who'd rather avoid reusing the same word in the
same sentence/paragraph as much as possible. It's your call.)

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. (Speaking of
proofreading, do just that. Proofread, I mean. It takes care of those
avoidable, brain fart mistakes like 'confidentally', 'stonger', 'ahold', and
especially, 'Minako doesn't want him to know that we may up to something
again'. Though you probably already know this, it needs to be said: read your
dialogue out loud. This is the best indication you'll ever have of if it sounds
right, makes sense, and flows properly. If it feels weird to say it, chances
are that it'll feel very weird to read it. Also, let it percolate. If you have
time, let it sit for a few weeks, then read it over. Without what you think you
wrote in fresh in your mind, you'll have a much better chance of catching
strange misspellings, redundancy, out of place commas, and other problems. If
you've just written the story, it's very difficult to edit it yourself because
you know exactly what it should say; so you read what you think you wrote,
rather than what you actually wrote.)

Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!). 

Grammar Rule #71: Avoid making run-on sentences that go on and on such that
each and every dependent and independent clause is connected by conjunctions,
prepositions, redundancy, and over-punctuation; it's simply not kosher to see
so many thoughts in one sentence when you can simply separate them into
standalone ones - after all, it's better to make a paragraph from several
sentences than make a paragraph _out_ of a single sentence, even though said
sentence may seem grammatically correct to you... Keep in mind, overworking a
sentence with so many thoughts stuffed into it can lessen the impact of its
meaning, and can thoroughly confuse your reader to boot. 

As for our grammar lessons for today, Sailor Mercury says: Keep one single,
strong thought in one sentence. Don't overwork each sentence by inserting
multiple thoughts in it. Keep things simple.

Also, Sailor Mars says: Grammar Rule #21 tells you how (if you can read between
the lines) to use commas properly. I now realize that _that's_ just one part of
the problem. The main problem is, of course, learning to punctuate properly. As
a general rule, sentences which use 'as' ("She said this as she did something
else") don't need to be punctuated with commas (She said this, as she did
something else"). On the other hand, sentences that don't use 'as' ("She said
this, feeling regret") should have proper punctuation 'coz otherwise they'd
look weird otherwise ("She said this feeling regret.") 

Hmmm. From your excellent batting average of only five grammar rules broken,
this chapter has added an extra broken grammar rule and two footnote grammar
lessons. I guess this came from this fic being rushed, and I'm fairly sure
you've done better in the later chapters.

As for the fic's content: I liked the first chapter better than this one. For
one thing, this chapter is chockfull of grammar and spelling errors. For
another, the same problems that the first chapter had are also found here. And
another, the prose slightly dragged in the middle parts such that it's a pain
to read; I mean, there's such a thing as milking the moment, but at the expense
of a reader's interest? I don't think so. The good news is that all the
positive things found in the first chapter are also present in the second
chapter.
 
Your fic Usagi, as usual, had a wonderful portrayal. Though (as I've mentioned
before) admittedly her characterization is very different from how I would
picture her after reading through the manga or watching the anime. (Pffft.
Judging by your fic, the manga, and the anime, that's three different sets of
characterizations for Usagi right there). As for the other characterizations,
they were spot-on (though I can't speak for the characters that are unfamiliar
to me, of both YST and this fic's canon). All in all though, great chapter; I
merely echo the general consensus the FFML have over this piece of work. It was
definitely worth a chuckle or thirteen.

Keep on writing.


--------------------
I wasn't overwhelmed, I wasn't underwhelmed; so let's just call it a day and
say I was whelmed.

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