Chapter One: Doughnut

Glazed, jelly, or cake?

      Duncan Dursley was unsure precisely when his father started to
hate him.  His very early memories certainly included Da smiling down
at him and acting like the proudest father in the world.  But at some
point the smiles had turned to suspicious glances and the pride
turned to stony discipline.

Literally. He hit him with a rock.

     "Duncan the Doughnut, round and pink," the other boys would
tease him, shoving him around and around.  Sometimes he'd try to hit
back, but his plump little legs and arms were too short to do much
damage.

Yup, that's Dudley's son alright.

     Da clipped Duncan upside the ear.  "Little liar!  You know
perfectly well what you did!  Freak!"

Apple doesn't fall far, does it?

     "I'm not surprised you're defending him!  I'll bet I'm not even
the boy's real father!  You had an affair with HIM, didn't you?!"

Now THAT'S *HARSH*.

     "That's not true!  You were the first and only, Dudley, you know
that!  Duncan, to your room, now!"  Mum didn't look any less angry
than Da, so Duncan scrambled to his room and dived under his covers.

     The screaming and bad words went on until after Duncan fell
asleep, still in his clothes.

Poor kid.

     And for some reason, Duncan was the only kid in his class who
still hadn't quite got the hang of using a computer.  Files
disappeared at random, the settings would go wonky at his barest
touch, and often the sodding things wouldn't even turn on for him in
the first place.

Wow, he must have insanely strong magic for a Muggleborn, for THAT to
happen. Harry didn't even have THAT kind of trouble, and he's a
three-quarters AND the strongest wizard of his generation. o.o

     Still, today's history assignment seemed to be going rather
well.  He'd easily found material on Oliver Cromwell, and was busily
pasting together a report.  The spellchecker was working well too.
Finally, Duncan completed the required 5K, and hit the 'Save' button.

     The screen went blue and blank.

Should've upgraded Windows...

     The screen snapped back on, with Duncan's report intact.  But
something new had been added.  Instead of a blank white page, the
words were now set against a background of skulls.  And out of every
skull's mouth was crawling a bright green snake.

O_O;

     Duncan looked around at a clotting of hostile faces, and
realized the same background was on each and every monitor in the
classroom.

Whoooooops.

     Mum clucked in worry.  "You forgot, didn't you?  Thought you
might, so wrap this up yourself."  She handed Duncan a perfectly
dreadful-looking bile green tie.  Just the shade Da liked.

X.x;;

     Da had arrived home, grinning like a particularly fat shark, and
Duncan knew that his father's day had gone well.  "Got a juicy
contract today, Zelda.  They're remodeling Buckingham again, and
Dursley and Son Drills will be represented!"  Technically, Da was
'and Son', but Grandy Dursley had passed some years ago, and Nanny
Dursley lived in Florida now.  Duncan didn't want to be 'and Son', as
he had no interest in drills, but there did not seem to be any good
way out of it.

Cue owl in...

     By the time Duncan finished pouring the beer from its
biodegradable bulb

What's with all the randomly futuristic stuff, anyway? If this is the same
Dudley from the HP books about fifteen to twenty years later, it'd only be
around 2017-2022, given that Harry and Dudley would both be seventeen in
1997. Given what we know about the ACTUAL rate at which this stuff develops
(because we were all supposed to be driving flying space cars by now), it
seems you're pushing the "ZOMGTEHFUTURE!" stuff a BIT hard.

     Anything Da might have added was cut off by a sound from outside
the window.  The sound of rushing wings, followed by a pecking on the
pane.  It sounded too big to be a pigeon.

And here we go.

     The man in black turned to the boy and smiled.  "Well now, I
realize it's been a good long time, Duncan, but don't you have any
words of welcome for your dear old Uncle Draco?"

....okay, THAT I did not see coming.

================================
It's not a butthole, it's a mangina.
              ~~*~~
The Eternal Lost Lurker
www.lurkerdrome.com



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