----- Original Message -----
From: Christian Clark [mailto:dernibelung@gmail.com]
Sent: 7/20/2006 4:35:15 AM
To: ffml@anifics.com
Subject: [FFML] [Guilty Gear] At Freedom's Expense, Chapter 2
Title: At Freedom's Expense
Series: Guilty Gear
Rating: 13+
Canon notes: Take place some time after the events in GGXX.
Chapter 2: Persephone
<snip>
"I can understand that," she replied mentally.
Maybe you should use something like <text> or 'text' to signify a telepathic message or thought....
"However, you must admit that he is not as suspicious as he was the time
we first met," the feminine guardian added.
She nodded again and recalled the initial meeting.
---
There was no sound being made, save for the occasional bird, rustle of
the leaves in the wind, or the sound of her own breathing. The sun was
shining through the cracks in the forest roof, giving the glade an
almost sacred air to it. This was her home and it had been for the past
while. There was only her, the animals, and Testament.
Nice descriptive paragraph.
However, that quiet had been broken often recently because of bounty
the bounty hunters
hunters. She had felt the disturbance at the edge of the forest and hid
Is Dizzy a Jedi? :P
herself behind a tree.
She felt a presence, proceeding cautiously through the glade. Whoever it
Remove the comma. If the presence and the disturbance she felt are the same thing, merge the two pargraphs into 1. If not, then show the difference.
was had somehow gotten past Testament, which worried her. She peeked
around the side, hoping to get a good glance at the newcomer.
It was a young man. Roughly Dizzy's age in appearance, if not a little
Replace period with a comma.
Her darker guardian began to stir as the Holy Knight stepped on a twig
right behind the tree. With an inhuman growl, Necro emerged, pulled out
an ax from his hand and aimed it at the young man's neck.
threw it
"Nerco! No!" she screamed and leaped backward, leaving the weapon
Necro. And if she foiled Necro's attack, than the axe would cut into the tree instead of the Knight. Make it clearer.
embedded in the tree. The Holy Knight hopped in reverse, almost as if he
Do you meant to say the H.K. hopped in the opposite direction?
expected the attack, skillfully dodged the blade that would have cut
dodging
into his face, and drew his weapon.
She forced Necro back into his dormant state and looked up to see the
intruder stop in his tracks at the sight of her. Her fear made her
control of her darker guardian difficult as she stumbled back to her feet.
Her fear made it more difficult to control her darker guardian..
"I don't know who you are... but please... leave here."
"Or...NO! Stay here and we'll build a home for just the two of us!" :D
<snip>
The man said evenly, if not slightly defensively; "I was ordered to come
Try "The man said evenly, if not a little defensively...
and determine if the rumored Commander Gear was a threat."
She had a bad feeling where this was going as she pressed, "and if it was?"
...as she pressed, "And if it was?"
The young man, closed his eyes and bowed his head slightly, "then I have
to eliminate it."
...slightly. "Then I have to...
<snip>
Almost angered by his words, he replied more tersely than he would have
preferred, "Those who cannot fight will no find such reprieve. And as
such your very existance is a threat."
preferred.
She sighed and closed her eyes. It was no different. All these humans
want is either her skin or her death. All the resentment built up from
wanted
<snip>
Having backed Dizzy against a tree, Ky now held his blade against the
sword that the half-Gear had created with the darker wing. Both were
exhausted from the extensive fighting and Ky was increasing his
Pushing his advantage sounds a tad bit better.
advantage. Ky grit his teeth and pushed his weapon further, knowing that
..and forced his weapon....
the end was drawing closer.
<snip>
The wail shattered Ky's concentration. The scream was something he had
heard mutliple times in the past. Deceased comrades, fellow soldiers,
multiple
civilians. There was no difference between them to Ky. He had heard it
in various tones, dynamics, and tempo, but the intensity was always the
same. Quickly, he backed away, giving himself ample distance between
himself and Dizzy.
He looked to the Commander-Gears wounds and then to his hands, a look of
Commander-Gear's
pure horror on his face. Almost as if he had become everything he had
once feared and hated.
In confusion she watched his sudden retreat and wondered what was to
happen next. She wondered what had happened when he had fallen to his
knees and said horsely. The guilt was evident in his voice as he pushed
hoarsely? Suggest "..and he began talking in a hoarse tone of voice."
the words out.
<snip>
She remained silent as he exited the forest as quietly as he entered.
Perhaps, she mused quietly, he was not like the others after all.
No kidding! Girl, that was the understatement of the year! Heh.
<snip>
"You seem to be awfully quiet lately, Necro," Undine said, "Where's the
...Undine said. "Where's the...
homicidal rhetoric we're used to?"
<snip>
He shook his head, "No. You seemed too human to be a Gear. After I left
his head.
the forest, the villagers asked me if I had done the deed. They weren't
pleased when I told them what happened."
<snip>
He smiled sadly and gestured to himself, "Imagine yourself on the losing
himself.
side of a century long war. Naturally, you'd expect more experienced
soldiers to take up the cause and lead. However, I was only part of the
Holy Order for half a year before Kliff retired and promoted me. I was
only sixteen at the time and had less battles than the number of fingers
on my hands."
Having never known the atmosphere of the Crusades, Dizzy could only
wonder at the logic behind the actions. Most of the books she had access
to were before the war and in decent condition, despite being nearly two
were dated before the...
centuries old.
A dream...
...a reoccurring dream...
...a dream so clear. It seemed as thought she were awake...
A dream in the darkness... no, shadows... all she saw were shadows...
...soon, lights appeared ahead of her. Shining their light downward.
A hallway?
But which hallway?
It didn't appear familiar at all!
In addition...
...she wasn't alone.
All she could see was the mane of hair that shone like flame.
Yet, when the person passed under a light, she could see it was a Gear,
clad in a suit of armor.
Yet, within seconds, the armor broke.
The plates fell away to reveal a woman.
The woman turned to her and observed Dizzy eyes that shone like gold.
A very familiar feeling passed through her.
The woman turned to her and smiled.
But it wasn't a good smile...
... and her eyes were alight with a hatred that scared her.
Worse yet, she seemed to beckon Dizzy to follow her and she could not
resist.
She followed her through more hallways, and the further she went, the
more she saw.
She saw Gears.
Many Gears.
And humans too.
But they were all chained, dirty, despondent, and lethargic!
She saw familiar faces...
May?
Potemkin?
Novel?
What happened!
She followed the woman with the flame red hair to a central
ante-chamber, where a single occupant sat on a dias underneath a dim light.
The woman with the flame red hair only smiled that wicked grin before
vanishing.
She turned to the person sitting in the light and heard some muttering...
"Parasites... everyone of them..."
"...they won't die... no..."
"but I will make them beg for death..."
"I will make them suffer as I have suffered..."
Dizzy stepped closer to the person and noticed a pair of discolored
wings, decayed and rotted.
The person looked up at Dizzy and she saw the black rings beneath the
girl's eyes from the lack of sleep and the malnourished body.
She gasped when she discovered the face of the girl was her own.
The other Dizzy also gasped and stared into her eyes.
In an instant, they both asked,
"Who are you?"
Loved the whole nightmare sequence.
Though I'm not familiar at all with Guilty Gear, and I missed the first chapter, I find myself liking this well-written fic. Keep 'em coming!
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