Hooray! This jumps to the head of the C&C queue...
Eimii wrote:
Disclaimer: I haven't yet added any important author-created characters
in this fic, so all characters in this chapter are the creations and
property of Kishimoto Masashi. I claim no legal right to use them, and I
am making no money off of this piece of fanfiction.
Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
Regarding how Anko addresses Yuuhi Kurenai: there _is_ a reason, so stop
bugging me about it ^_^;...
Righty-ho. Duly noted.
By the original numbering scheme, this would be chapter 7, but now i
guess it's... chapter 5? Maybe 4, or even 3, if i decide to make
"Heaven" and "Earth" one chapter and/or a 'prologue.' Anyhow, for now
it's tentatively chapter 5; i would have gotten this out sooner, but
i've been working on chapter 21 (which _won't_ be chapter 21 anymore
when i'm done with the new numbering scheme >_<;). I'd say the new
chapter is about 80% done; here's to hoping i can finish before
August...
Good luck with that. :)
And it never would have happened if she'd been able to eat breakfast
that morning. The sound of her stomach growling could probably be heard
for miles around when she'd stopped to drool in front of a dango stand
late that afternoon, after finishing her shift on forest recon.
I think you're switching tenses in here; I believe it should be "could
probably have been heard."
Anko wouldn't mind at all if she spent the entire night listening to him
babble on about his students. Professionally speaking, their jobs were
closely related, and he seemed to share her opinion that reckless kids
needed a good scare once in a while.
Hmm. While her role as examiner is indeed related to Iruka's job, I
can't see that as being her _primary_ role that she would refer to as
simply "her job." After all, the Chuunin Exam isn't held in the Leaf
Village every time, it rotates among the allied villages. (Though, I
could easily see it being in the Sand or the Leaf most of the time, with
one of the minor villages hosting one every couple of years.)
Perhaps add something along the lines of "her current job, at least"?
She'd first taken notice of scar-faced young ninja when ANBU's torture
and interrogation squad formally became the administrators for all
Chuunin Exams held in Konoha.
Hmm. I can't really see Genma and Hayate as part of the interrogation
squad. Then again, we see so little of them that I don't really have
any basis for saying that. So I guess it works.
That was two years ago; it'd been a year since she'd realized that she
was attracted to him on more than a purely physical level, and she
_still_ hadn't gotten up the nerve to approach him about it.
Hmm again. There are, not counting the recent addition of Sound, five
villages in the alliance. If the interrogation squad took over the
exams two years ago, assuming the exams rotate between the villages
evenly, this would have to be the squad's first time in charge.
Evidence suggests that this is not the first time Ibiki (and I believe
Anko as well, IIRC) have been in charge of the exam. Ibiki at least has
to have done two to account for the comments about him by the jounin
teachers; at least one time doing the first exam before and at least one
intervening time when he was not doing the first exam.
(This, incidentally, is one of the reasons I'm inclined to twist the
canon on the issue of exam rotation to have it mainly just alternate
between the Sand and Leaf. I find it hard to get enough exams at the
Leaf in there to fit nicely with what we see otherwise.)
Well, there were ways around both of those. Setting down her bowl with a
clink, Anko released a breathy sigh of satisfaction. Iruka had finished
a minute or so before her, much to her surprise, and was settling the
tab with the owner. When he turned back to her, the Anko gave her
favorite subordinate a roguish grin.
"the Anko" should be just "Anko." Unless she's made some kagebunshin
you haven't mentioned, that is.
"That kinda explains why you didn't order any beer with that ramen,
tho," she noted wryly.
Mmm... I really don't like using "tho" instead of "though" there. I
know it's intentional, but it doesn't seem to be a different enough
pronunciation to be worth representing.
The abstract paintings in human blood, for instance, definitely had to
go, as did several of her favorite 'toys,' which she hadn't bothered to
put away since the last time she's had a nighttime 'visitor.'
Ew. I wonder who... donated the blood.
Also "she's" should just be "she", I believe.
After a sanitizing whirlwind of activity, Anko decided that she'd
probably stalled for a bit too long, and hastily bounded up to the front
door.
Comma after long is unnecessary.
Frozen in the open doorway, the ex-disciple of the Snake Seinin could
only watch in horror and disbelief as the scarred man took a step
forward, just enough to cast his profile in the moonlight.
Seinin? I'm not familiar with that word.
It was still
Iruka's face, but the skin was paler now, stretched taught over sunken
cheeks. His lips were parted slightly, turned up at the corners in a
tight white line; no longer the kind smile of a teacher, but the hungry
leer of a predator, right down to the huge, luminescent yellow eyes that
now pinned her in place.
Ew. Orochimaru-Iruka is... a disturbing image.
She didn't feel bound, but the lightless void that engulfed was
stifling, like she was floating in heavy oil.
"that engulfed her"
The dark rings under her eyes still lingered as well, despite the fact
that she had put her Shintenshin research on hold. She'd spent the last
two evenings trying to figure out what exactly she'd done to herself,
and if there was any way to fix it, but had thus far only come to the
same conclusions that she had right after she'd used the technique: she
was extremely lucky to be alive.
"conclusions" should be "conclusion"
S U I R E N
To be continued...
Not really all that much to say in the way of general comments; this is
a wonderfully effective chapter, and I continue to look forward both to
the next revision and the forthcoming new chapter.