The Eternal Lost Lurker wrote:

Note that I haven't actually seen much of Conan and what I did see was
approximately... four years ago now?  Something like that, so when it
comes to the series, you can take my thoughts with a grain of salt.  The
names in particular were fairly hard for me to follow, since many of
them were dropped without any associated description of the person
involved.  Part of the reason we write fanfiction is to draw upon that
shared knowledge that other fans have, but it would stand on its own
moreso with some indications of who is who.
    

You just negated your own assertion.
  

It's not a complete contradiction--there are varying levels of knowledge 
among the fanbase.  I was pointing out, adequately or not, that not 
everyone who reads is going to be up to date with the series.  I happen 
to be on the far side of casual knowledge (though not quite so far as to 
be going solely on other fanfiction at least.) 

It's possible to draw on knowledge of the series to give an in depth 
knowledge of the characters or events while introducing some occasional 
references to what part they played in the past for those who have 
limited exposure to the series.  So long as it isn't heavy handed, it 
isn't likely to annoy people who are familiar with the characters and 
should expand the potential pool of readers a bit.

*Though calling me on it like this is very bad form,* his eyes said.
      

I would probably go with single quotes rather than asterisks to offset
the "statement" from his eyes, its a bit more standard.
    

Uh...no. It's only "standard" in the sense that it's an *FF.NET* standard,
due to FF.net's unrelenting war on the common asterisk. I reject all FF.net
"standards" with a passion and vengeance, and writers have been using
asterisks as thought markers for decades.

  

Considering I've been to fanfiction.net all of once to look at a fic 
that someone told me was based on one of my own ideas, I'm fairly sure I 
didn't get the "standard" from there.  This was just a general comment 
based upon the novels and other published fiction that I've read over 
the years.  Special characters don't generally pop up in those and 
that's all I was commenting on.  Its a personal preference that can be 
taken or left, as with all C&C.  You'll just be leaving it. :)

They sat, drying their hair and hands and opening their warm tea.
      

If they were wearing rain gear, that seems like a bit of overkill on the
towels.
    

And a raincoat and umbrella keep you completely dry in a downpour HOW often,
again?

(Especially the kind of rains you see in Tokyo...)

  

Not really familiar with rains in Tokyo, this just struck me as odd 
since they drove to the apartment and I just took it as a given that 
Takagi and Conan were at least standing under an awning or something 
while they talked.  Though looking back I did see a reference to the 
rain soaking Conan's bangs earlier.  I doubt I've ever even required a 
towel after coming in out of the rain without raingear though (of 
course, I also don't make a habit of standing out in the rain either), 
so my experience probably wasn't a good indicator here.  

"Right. So...she made a drug that let you change back for three days?"


"Yeah, and I took it the day before my birthday..."
      

Extra line between the last two paragraphs.
    

I wish people would stop commenting on this. It's fairly obvious my mail
client did this. It doesn't exist in the original draft. -_-#
  

For the few stories I sent in to the FFML, I just tended to attach a 
text file and let the list convert it, so I usually don't think about 
the vagaries of email clients.  Besides, it was one of the few actual 
corrections rather than vaguely critical comments I could find. :)

lives with my stupid mystery otaku ways." He chuckled, a bitter and
self-depreciating sound.
      

This instance of Japanese went a bit farther than I think works for
flavor, I have a limited exposure to Japanese and when I see otaku I
tend to think of a fan (typically of the geeky, pimply variety).  That
doesn't quite fit with mystery or Kudou in general.
    

WRONG. Because "mystery otaku" is precisely what EVERYONE calls Kudou in the
original context. Just because you are personally only familiar with one
context of the word--and a completely inaccurate context at that--doesn't
make it incorrect.

  

I didn't think that you were using the phrase inaccurately, I was just 
commenting on the fact that you are going beyond what someone with only 
mild exposure to Japanese is likely to recognize or interpret 
correctly.  Even for those who have watched in Japanese with English 
subtitles, they're not necessarily going to recognize the reference 
unless it was left untranslated.

"Well, it sounds to me like you have every reason NOT to want to vanish,
Kudou-kun," Takagi said, confusion and uncertainty in his voice. "What
changed?"

"Well, three days ago..."
      

Just a quick question, but I just wanted to check, did all of this
actually happen in the comics?  Or were there changes between that story
and this one?  (Notably Kudou and Ran getting together.)
    

Obviously, this didn't happen in the manga. The only things referenced in
this story that actually happened in the manga, other than the general
premise of the series, are the elevator incident and the attempt on Kogoro's
life.

  

The Golden Week storyline seemed like a sound enough premise to me to 
have actually occurred in the official storyline. :)  The only things 
that I actually assumed hadn't happened in the manga/anime were possibly 
Shinichi and Ran sleeping together (mainly since I'm not sure what age 
bracket the show is technically directed towards), the present day story 
events including the pregnancy, and Shinichi being told that there was 
no cure.

"You're going to deliver a letter for me," Conan replied simply. "Kudou
Shinichi's final letter to his girlfriend...before he enters the Witness
Relocation Program in America and disappears forever."
      

You know, it does seem like it would fit a little better to find an
equivalent program in Japan to use.  I haven't seen much of the show,
but I don't recall indications that the organization is world wide,
which makes it seem really odd that the Witness Relocation Program would
even accept Conan.
    

Except for the following:

1. It's SHINICHI who's disappearing, not Conan.
2. Shinichi's parents already live in America.
3. The FBI have been heavily involved in the same case as Shinichi for some
time.

Therefore, it's entirely feasible for him to be under the protection of the
FBI in America, and it makes the likelihood of Ran actively searching for
him far lower.
  

I wasn't aware of the FBI involvement in the series, that's enough on 
its own really.  To the first two points though, for 1 I was using 
Conan/Shinichi/Kudou pretty much interchangeably.  For 2, he doesn't 
mention his parents in the letter or that they would be entering witness 
protection with him, so their presence there wouldn't necessarily 
influence things (aside from his even being able due to their presumably 
citizen status).

"You're going to be okay, right?" Right?
      

Is that second 'Right?' supposed to be a thought/affirmation or spoken?
    

Thought/narrative POV.


Thanks for reading!
  

Thanks for writing.  Sorry if my comments tended to be more in the line 
of criticism than comments, it's easier for me to comment on areas that 
stick out somewhat than those where the story flows smoothly.  When its 
moving along, I tend to get immersed in the story even when I'm actively 
trying to do C&C.


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