I haven't seen much in the way of (public) C&C on this and have enjoyed 
the two chapter posted so far quite a bit.  So, I'm seeing what I can do 
about remedying that...

Note that I haven't actually seen much of Conan and what I did see was 
approximately... four years ago now?  Something like that, so when it 
comes to the series, you can take my thoughts with a grain of salt.  The 
names in particular were fairly hard for me to follow, since many of 
them were dropped without any associated description of the person 
involved.  Part of the reason we write fanfiction is to draw upon that 
shared knowledge that other fans have, but it would stand on its own 
moreso with some indications of who is who.  (The other Detective Conan 
you wrote awhile back with the meeting of those who know Conan's secret 
was almost completely incomprehensible for me for the same reason.) 

The Eternal Lost Lurker wrote:

Started as a response to a ficswap challenge on the LJ manycases1truth
community, but this kinda got away from me, and it's turning into a
multi-part thing, so...I figured I'd go ahead and start posting it over
here, too.

C&C welcome.

Meitantei Conan belongs to Aoyama Gosho, Shogakukan, Yomiuri Television, VIZ
Communications, and Funimation. This work of fiction is not for profit and
not intended to infringe on copyrighted intellectual property in any
significant or harmful way.


TYPHOON
I. Circulation



"Who ARE you?"

"Who am I? Heh...I'll tell you...in the next life."

The exchange, spoken in an elevator with a bomb on the roof so many months
ago, echoed through Takagi Wataru's mind like the bells of a cathedral as he
stared in shock at the grim-faced boy in front of him.
  
Wrapped in a blue raincoat, hands held firm at his sides, dark bangs
plastered to his forehead, thick droplets of water running down the lenses
of his glasses, Edogawa Conan stood, head bowed, and spoke in a hush barely
audible over the pouring rain. "You DO want to know the answer, right? To
that question..."
  

The transition from "flashback" (however small) to present, seemed a bit 
off to me, but it may be because I didn't see the actual scene that is 
being referred to.  I'm not sure if adding more detail to the flashback 
would help or if its just the fact that Conan refers to something a few 
months back without any prompting.  Not a big deal, but I thought I 
would mention it, as it made the start a little awkward for me.

Takagi swallowed thickly. "I--"

"I need your help, Takagi-keiji."

Takagi blinked. "My help? But...why--"

"Because I can trust you," the boy said sharply. "There are other officers
I'd trust with this--Satou-san, Megure-keibu--but you're the one I trust not
to get any more involved than I ask you to."

The young policeman frowned, not certain if he'd been praised or insulted.
"Ano..."

The child's face suddenly twisted into a wry smirk. "You owe me your life,
don't you, Takagi-keiji?"

Takagi nodded, brow furrowed in displeasure. "I suppose I do, Conan-kun."
*Though calling me on it like this is very bad form,* his eyes said.
  

I would probably go with single quotes rather than asterisks to offset 
the "statement" from his eyes, its a bit more standard.

The bespectacled boy seemed to read the unspoken sentiment, because his
smirk evened out into a kinder expression. "I wouldn't be so rude as to
impose a life-debt like this if I wasn't well and truly screwed, keiji-san.
I have more respect for you than that."

Takagi relaxed slightly, eyes softening. "Of...of course. I understand."

Conan nodded. "Now, we need to go someplace we can talk in private. You do
live alone, right?"

A few moments later, a car carrying two detectives drove down the dark city
streets as thunder rumbled overhead.

A typhoon was coming, and there was much work to do to prepare.
  

Hmm... looking back at it, this statement doesn't really seem to mesh 
with the actions Conan is about to take.  He doesn't really know about 
the metaphorical typhoon (presumably Ran's pregnancy), so he can't 
really prepare for it.  Might be better to insert it later or drop it 
altogether.

* * * * * * * * *

Takagi bought two cans of hot tea from a vending machine outside his
apartment building. "This is the best I can offer," he apologised. "I
haven't been shopping in a few days."

"Don't worry about it, it's fine," Conan replied, shivering from the chill
of the rain.

They entered Takagi's apartment, kicking off their shoes and shucking their
wet raingear at the genkan, and Takagi excused himself for a moment to
procure several thick, fluffy towels, two of which he spread on the seat of
his sofa, one of which he handed to Conan, and the last he kept for himself.
They sat, drying their hair and hands and opening their warm tea.
  

If they were wearing rain gear, that seems like a bit of overkill on the 
towels.

"So, Conan-kun, what's this all about?" Takagi asked after a moment.

"I need your help to pull off a disappearing act," Conan replied.

"Disappearing...?" the policeman blinked.

The boy nodded, removing his glasses and setting them on the table. He
looked up at Takagi with piercing blue eyes, and the older of the two felt
that same unease he'd felt that day...there was nothing of a child in those
eyes...

"Kudou Shinichi," the boy said, in that not-childlike voice he adopted so
often.
  

Awkward phrase, but unchildlike isn't much better and it emphasizes 
things a bit.

"I'm sorry?" Takagi asked, shaking himself.

"The answer to the question you asked in the elevator that day. I'm Kudou
Shinichi."

Takagi blinked, then laughed weakly. "Conan-kun, that's...just not
possible..."
  

Has he had suspicions in the past?  The main reason I would see for 
laughing weakly would be doubting his own statement.

"So...Haiba...eto...what was her name again? Sherry...?"

"Haibara is fine," Conan said. "She doesn't like being called her real name
anymore, and she absolutely hates being called Sherry."

"Right. So...she made a drug that let you change back for three days?"


"Yeah, and I took it the day before my birthday..."
  

Extra line between the last two paragraphs.

Her eyes widened, and Ran flew down the stairs as fast as her feet would
carry her.

And there he was, his usual cocky smile and bright, twinkling eyes greeting
her as though they'd just seen each other that morning. "Yo," he greeted.

She slapped him.
  

Heh.

* * * * * * * * *

"Ouch."

"Yeah, well, I deserve it," Conan said, grinning. "And it's worth it,
really. Being with her is worth anything..." He sighed.
  

deserved rather than deserve?

"Shinichi..." The tears fell from Ran's eyes as she embraced him. "Oh...I'm
so sorry..."

"Don't be, I'm the one who should be apologising. I've screwed up both our
lives with my stupid mystery otaku ways." He chuckled, a bitter and
self-depreciating sound.
  

This instance of Japanese went a bit farther than I think works for 
flavor, I have a limited exposure to Japanese and when I see otaku I 
tend to think of a fan (typically of the geeky, pimply variety).  That 
doesn't quite fit with mystery or Kudou in general.

"Back...that day," Shinichi said, his voice catching, "I thought it was all
over. I thought I was free and clear. I found out that night that things
weren't over yet--I should have known it couldn't be that easy. That's why I
ran out without so much as a goodbye. But...the reason I took you to that
place..." He pulled a small, velvet box from his pocket and placed it in her
hand.


Ran's eyes widened. "Shinichi..."

  

Extra line here.

The police detective sighed. "Damn, that must suck."

"Worse than anything imaginable," Conan replied morosely.

"Well, it sounds to me like you have every reason NOT to want to vanish,
Kudou-kun," Takagi said, confusion and uncertainty in his voice. "What
changed?"

"Well, three days ago..."
  

Just a quick question, but I just wanted to check, did all of this 
actually happen in the comics?  Or were there changes between that story 
and this one?  (Notably Kudou and Ran getting together.)

"So...what is it you're planning to do?"

"Well...I've decided to use what little I've already told Ran about my
situation as the basis for a disappearing act," the boy replied.
  

Might want to use a slight variation on the description of what he's 
planning here, since he's basically just repeating himself.  Maybe just 
"as the basis for disappearing."

"Oi oi. You're not gonna fake your own death or something, are you?" Takagi
asked. "Because that'd be a really cruel thing to do to Ran-san."

Conan shook his head. "No. I don't want to do anything that makes it
impossible for me to EVER come back...in case Haibara comes through with an
antidote after all. But I need to disappear, and that's why I need you."

"Okay, but...why me?"

"You're going to deliver a letter for me," Conan replied simply. "Kudou
Shinichi's final letter to his girlfriend...before he enters the Witness
Relocation Program in America and disappears forever."
  

You know, it does seem like it would fit a little better to find an 
equivalent program in Japan to use.  I haven't seen much of the show, 
but I don't recall indications that the organization is world wide, 
which makes it seem really odd that the Witness Relocation Program would 
even accept Conan.

* * * * * * * * *

Takagi stood nervously at the door to the Mouri Detective Agency, a plain
white envelope clutched protectively in his hands. *Dammit, Kudou...*
  

Again, I would probably use single quotes and a descriptor to indicate 
thoughts rather than asterisks.

It had been several days since Takagi had delivered his letter to Ran, and
he'd begun formulating long-term plans. He intended to stick around for
about another year, just to make sure Ran would eventually be okay, then
finally rejoin his parents in America, and...
  

And here they probably thought they were done with raising children.  
Actually, that raises another question that wasn't addressed in the 
portions of the series I saw--does Conan age now that he's a child?  Or 
is he immortal for all intents and purposes?  I could see quite a few 
people willing to live as a child for the rest of their lives if those 
lives had no time limit.

Move on, he supposed. It wasn't going to be any easier for him than it would
be for Ran.

Conan sighed. *Dammit, this is all so messed up...*

Ran had not reacted well to the "news", of course. In fact, he was beginning
to get concerned. She'd not been eating well all week, and she'd been sick
frequently. In fact, he occasionally heard her vomiting, and he had to
wonder--even as he flinched from the guilt of causing her so much pain she
became violently physically ill--how she had anything in her to puke up in
the first place, seeing as she rarely ate anything anymore.
  

Some detective he is-- pregnancy is the first thing I think of when I 
hear about inexplicable sickness like this.  :)

"What's wrong? What did the doctor say?" Was she really that seriously ill?
Had something else happened? The detective's mind raced furiously, various
disaster scenarios flashing through his brain like the lightning in the sky.
"You're going to be okay, right?" Right?
  

Is that second 'Right?' supposed to be a thought/affirmation or spoken? 

"Hm? Oh...yeah, I'm okay." Ran said softly, looking past the boy, out into
the grey-black afternoon sky. "I'm pregnant."



  

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