The Eternal Lost Lurker wrote:
Started as a response to a ficswap challenge on the LJ manycases1truth
community, but this kinda got away from me, and it's turning into a
multi-part thing, so...I figured I'd go ahead and start posting it over
here, too.
C&C welcome.
All right, I'll give it a shot.
Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
Meitantei Conan belongs to Aoyama Gosho, Shogakukan, Yomiuri Television, VIZ
Communications, and Funimation. This work of fiction is not for profit and
not intended to infringe on copyrighted intellectual property in any
significant or harmful way.
Special C&C Disclaimer: I know approximately nothing about Conan.
TYPHOON
I. Circulation
"Who ARE you?"
"What are you, dense? Are you retarded or something? Who the hell do
you think I am? I'm the goddamn Batman."
Sorry.
"Who am I? Heh...I'll tell you...in the next life."
The exchange, spoken in an elevator with a bomb on the roof so many months
ago, echoed through Takagi Wataru's mind like the bells of a cathedral as he
stared in shock at the grim-faced boy in front of him.
Maybe should be "This exchange"?
Also, I think it might be worth looking at whether there's a way to
split this sentence in two without wrecking the flow.
Takagi bought two cans of hot tea from a vending machine outside his
apartment building. "This is the best I can offer," he apologised. "I
haven't been shopping in a few days."
"Don't worry about it, it's fine," Conan replied, shivering from the chill
of the rain.
Comma after it should be a semi-colon.
They entered Takagi's apartment, kicking off their shoes and shucking their
wet raingear at the genkan,
I don't really think that using the term "genkan" rather than some rough
English equivalent really adds enough to make it worth using.
I have a feeling you'll disagree, though, so feel free to ignore my
recommendation. :)
Conan raised an eyebrow. "Really?" He then began to speak at length, about a
great many things.
And when he was finally done talking, Takagi believed.
I've been told that starting a sentence with "and" is bad form, and I
think starting with when works just as well starting with "when", so *shrug*
* * * * * * * * *
"Otou-san? Have you seen Conan-kun?"
"Hm? Oh, he said he was going to hakase's place. I'm pretty sure he'll spend
the night. He's not stupid enough to wander around in THIS weather."
Hakase, I presume, is a name and should be capitalized.
"Right. So...she made a drug that let you change back for three days?"
"Yeah, and I took it the day before my birthday..."
Extra newline between these two.
While he'd known for some months now that the Organisation had
feelers everywhere and could strike without warning, it had only been
since the incident with Kir that he'd fully appreciated just how
insidious his enemy was, and how the entire situation could change in
the blink of an eye.
This sentence could probably do with some splitting up.
"Hm? Oh...yeah, I'm okay." Ran said softly, looking past the boy, out into
the grey-black afternoon sky. "I'm pregnant."
Ow.
Hmm... well, there's not much I can say by way of general comments,
given my unfamiliarity with the source series. It's definitely
well-written and I'm interested to see what happens next.