I haven't seen any of the C&C on this so far.  To be honest, I didn't 
read the first draft until earlier this afternoon.  I did enjoy it, 
likely in part because I have my own little Doctor Who / anime 
crossover in mind, and could appreciate what was going on with this.

Just an idea... Hermione "dead" from a random mugging is okay, but... 
wouldn't it be better if it were due to wizard influence?  Yeah, 
there's the Avada Kavadra, but I think if they really wanted to send a 
message, they'd Reducto most of her bones and let her bleed to death.

On Jul 10, 2006, at 2:09 PM, StudioPC wrote:

Herbert adored her, though he sometimes felt depressed that she
appeared to be barely out of her twenties and he was fast losing his
youth.

Just a suggestion...  "Herbert adored her, though he sometimes felt 
depressed that she appeared to be barely out of her twenties while he 
was fast losing his youth."  The "while" instead of the "and" there 
would make more sense.

"Hermione?" Herbert asked. Around the corner came a young woman
wearing Hermione's clothes stretched tight over lean, firm curves.
Her hair was straight and glossy black and her eyes were deep blue.
Her expression was vacant and she stared dumbly at them. But what
drew Herbert's attention was that her shirt was spattered with blood.

One other thing.  If she'd bled to death from a slit throat, her shirt 
would be far more than "spattered" with blood.

(When you get to something like this, it's probably time to turn the 
channel away from Court TV...)

"Don't tell me, go to the pub for a few hours," Herbert said,
standing up as the grandfather clock in the living room chimed the 
hour.

heehee... Gotta admit, I like this response; spouses do train each 
other well...

When he had proposed, she had sat taken his hand and told him that
there were three things he had to know.

This sentence needs work.  At a minimum, a comma after "sat", though 
that would simply make for a correct but mediocre sentence.  I think a 
better way of putting it would be to clarify it as "sat down".  "When 
he had proposed, she had sat down, taken his hand, and told him that 
there were three things he needed to know."

Sloppy in love with her, he'd agreed, she'd accepted his ring, and a
month later, a quiet little civil ceramony and just like that, they
were married.

"ceremony".

 "This is impossible," she said to
herself and then taking a deep breath, went back to the front of the
clock and stepped inside.

Need a comma after 'then'.

"A little something of mine," Her mother replied.

"Her" should not be capitalized.

But Hermione didn't hear her. Her brain, quick and clever, jolted
into action by shock was at full tilt, digesting evidence, applying
logic and then dispensing a conclusion.

This is one of those cases where too much is given in one sentence.  
Suggest at a minimum getting rid of the "quick and clever" bit in that 
sentence.

You hear on occasion from various C&Cers that most good prose requires 
a reduction in the number of commas.  My primary point in this is that 
this criticism is probably right, but eliminating commas needs to be 
done right as well.  If standard grammar calls for a comma, put a 
comma; if you want to cut the comma out, rephrase the sentence so that 
the comma isn't needed according to the rules of grammar.  As I 
understand it, the comma spacing for this bit under proper grammar 
would go something like this:

Her brain, quick and clever, jolted into action by shock, was at full 
tilt, digesting evidence, applying logic, and then dispensing a 
conclusion.

Okay.  That's 6 commas.  How can we reduce the number of commas?

First of all, there's simplification.  If a brain is jolted into action 
by shock, chances are it's at full tilt.  So we don't need that.   
Also... most readers know the basics of the character of Hermione - or 
will through her actions rather than her description.  So that "Quick 
and clever" really isn't needed, either.  Another technique is 
rephrasing so that the comma isn't needed.  If you want to keep it, you 
can rephrase this bit as "Her quick and clever brain", rather than 
keeping it as is, while eliminating commas.  So, let's go back to the 
sentence, with the changes already outlined (assuming the 'quick and 
clever' is kept) and a bit added to help things out.

Her quick and clever brain, jolted into action by shock, was quickly 
digesting evidence, applying logic, and formulating a conclusion.

Four commas.  Not perfect, but you're probably not going to get rid of 
the last two without further major changes.

Now, there are other issues that come into play which can trump this, 
most notably the rhythm of a sentence.  You want a sentence that flows 
well off the tongue, because a reader somewhere is thinking these words 
and letting them play out in their mind, where the rhythm of the prose 
has a great deal in determining the attractiveness of the sentence.  
But... in some cases, it can help a great deal.

Janet nodded. "From very far away. We were ancient when the first
mammals emerged on this planet, and yet, the light from our sun has
yet to reach earth, if that gives you an idea. There was a war and I
crashed here on Earth."

Just a suggestion.  Let Janet's face darken slightly; let her slip 
fully into Time Lord Philosophy Mode (the past two seasons have been 
thick with it), rather than just touching it.  Start with getting rid 
of "if that gives you an idea".  Then rephrase the last bits to reflect 
some of her reticence on the subject.  Something like...

Janet nodded, her face darkening.  "From very far away.  We were 
ancient when the first mammals emerged on this planet, yet the light 
from our sun has yet to reach here."  Her eyes turned away, focusing on 
a time long gone.  "There was a war.  We lost.  I crashed here on 
Earth."

Or, to have a little more fun, "I crashed - in Cardiff, of all places."

Anyway, something to think about.

(I was about to complain about the physics of this bit, until I 
realized that a universal age of 13.6 billion years wouldn't cause a 
maximum distance between two points of 13.6 billion years, but double 
that.  There's still some iffy bits, as the materials required for 
planetary life need to be recycled through a few supernovae first, but 
it'll still work.)

"The materials I need
to fix this place won't be available for another fifty years at
least.

Just a suggestion: remove the word "place".  A TARDIS isn't exactly a 
"place".

Janet turned. Hermione stood in the middle of the room. She wore a
button down shirt with a black tie, dark blue pants and a vest that
was a touch too snug and a light coat that came down to mid-thigh. A
tie pin in the shape of a question mark adorned her coat lapel and
she wore a fedora at a jaunty angle. Boots with a slight heel were on
her feet.

Is Time Lord Fashion genetic or something?  :)

"Hermione Granger!" Janet snapped and Hermione stiffened. "You may
not be the same person anymore, but you are still MY daughter, and
you do not lie!"

"You lied."

Which comes to a question.  An agreement between wife and husband on 
keeping secrets is one thing.  That their daughter is now in on the 
secret - and changed pretty radically as a result - is another.  
Possibility of Herbert asking to hear the story?

"Sophistry," Hermione said again, crossing her arms. Then she looked
down, and frowned and pushed her arms together. "Bollocks!"

At that point, Janet realized why Hermione's vest was a touch too snug.

"None of your bras fit?" she asked.

"Not very well," Hermione admitted sullenly.

And there wasn't any underwear anywhere in that dressing room?  Heck, 
Gallifrey couldn't come up with a better bra?

Sorry; just that this is a bit of a plot hole.  A female Time Lord with 
her own TARDIS would probably have enough sizes of underwear that 
fitting Hermione would not be a problem.

Besides, there is another possible reason for going to the mall.  
Remember what Janet said previously about how, if there were any other 
survivors, that she would have sensed them?

"I'm sure mine still fit," Hermione protested. "I might be a bit
bigger in the tits and arse, but . . . what?"

"You have a fouler mouth on you, Hermione," Janet said frowning. "Do
try to control it."

Something to explain to Hermione... regenerations change a lot more 
than "tits and arse".

At that moment, Janet's eye was drawn to the door. Coming through it
was three people.

Should be "were", not "was", in that second sentence.  Consider the 
typical arrangement of the sentence: "Three people were coming through 
it."

"I told you Mickey, I had a feeling," Rose said. "Just let's get a
snack and we'll get back to the Tardis."

"Let's just", not "Just let's".

"No, I said Cardiff," Mickey snarled. "Bugger off."

Considering how often that city's been mentioned, you've been watching 
"The Unquiet Dead", haven't you?  :)

She stood up and went to him, taking his hand, tears in her eyes.
"Doctor, it's me. Romana."

What, Romana reintroducing herself without either fanfare or added 
drama?  Actually, a better way to do it might be for the Doc to 
visually identify Romana.

Her arms wrapped around him.  "Doctor... it's been so long since... I 
can't believe you're alive... after the Time War... everyone..."

The Doctor pushed her back and examined her face carefully, in a manner 
she herself had done only hours before.  Sharp eyes pored over every 
inch of her face, eventually settling on her eyes.  As they settled 
there, as her gaze met his, his expression changed to complete, naked 
shock.  "Romana?  You... you survived?"

Janet Granger, aka Janet Roman, aka Romanadvoradtrelundar, wiped the 
tears from her face and nodded.  It was the first time that Hermione 
had ever seen her cry.

Just a thought...

Anyway, I have liked what I've seen so far; can't wait to see more.

-- Nick


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