Okay, I just want to say at the outset here that I'm glad I live
alone ... because I started to laugh like a maniac when I figured
out the Maguffin in this story.

Doctor Who and Harry Potter?  I'm sure it's been done before ...
but not *this* way.  I loved this, and I hope you continue.
Especially since, having just watched the last episode of the
current series of DW, I'm depressingly aware that there won't be
any more until Christmas.

So ... some to-the-point commentary:


On 10/07/2006, at 1:59 PM, StudioPC wrote:

The body lay in the alleyway. It was a young girl, perhaps sixteen
years of age. She had bushy brown hair, the pale skin of someone who
spent too much time indoors and wore nondescript clothes. A bag of
books, many of them having just been checked out from library hours
before, lay on the ground, wet from the summer drizzle falling on
London.

from the library

Might read better as: many of them having been checked out from
the library just a few hours before

Herbert and Janet Granger were two of the most ordinary people
possible. They were dentists, both having graduated from university
with high honors and a successful practice in a decent section of
London. They took a vacation to the mainland twice a year and took a
proper amount of pride in their daughter Hermione.

For some reason, I find the idea of Romana becoming a dentist
oddly hysterical.

Before Janet could respond, the front door banged open. They
exchanged glances. "Hermione, dear? Is that you?" Janet called out.
There was the sound of a heavy bag hitting the floor and slow,
shuffling footsteps.

The first time I read this through, I thought:  Wow, Hermione's
become a zombie?   ^_^

"Hermione?" Herbert asked. Around the corner came a young woman
wearing Hermione's clothes stretched tight over lean, firm curves.
Her hair was straight and glossy black and her eyes were deep blue.
Her expression was vacant and she stared dumbly at them. But what
drew Herbert's attention was that her shirt was spattered with blood.

"Who?" He demanded, rising from his chair.

he demanded

"Sit down, Herbert." Janet snapped. Herbert sat. Janet crossed the
room to the young woman and gripped her chin, moving her head so she
could look into the young woman's eyes. For several seconds, they
stayed like that and then Janet released her and uttered several
words in a fast, chittering language, which sounded much like
swearing. Then in english she addressed the girl. "Go to your room,
Hermione, I'll be along momentarily."

Herbert," Janet    [Needs a comma]

The whole alien-language thing in this chapter bothers me.  It
never shows up in the canon Who; the TARDIS translates everything.
So does Romana's TARDIS work differently, or does she have the
translation effect switched off, or what?

"Mum?" The girl asked.

The ==> the

"Yes, now go to your room and change clothes. I'll be along in a
bit." The girl nodded, Janet sighed and looked at her husband.
"Herbert?"

"Don't tell me, go to the pub for a few hours," Herbert said,
standing up as the grandfather clock in the living room chimed the  
hour.

This bothers me a little.  Further down, you make it clear that
Janet/Romana set her conditions at the time of their marriage.
That's sixteen years earlier.  One might have expected Herbert to
have virtually forgotten about it by now ... unless other "strange
things" have happened in the interim.  If so, it would be
enlightening to know what.  (Though, of course, there's plenty
of time for you to reveal this in later chapters.)

Sloppy in love with her, he'd agreed and she had accepted his ring
and a month later, they were married. He had no regrets, but he
sometimes he wondered.

I just wanted to say that I rather like that phrase, "Sloppy in
love with her".  ^_^

Janet sat in the kitchen until she heard Herbert leave and then
checked to make sure he had left.

The "leave"/"left" juxtaposition reads awkwardly.  Suggest rewording
to "checked to make sure he had gone".

It wasn't that she mistrusted her
husband, but she had been hoping that this day would never come and
now that it had . . . She invoked the names of long forgotten gods,
whose names would mean nothing to anyone and then took a deep breath.

Needs a comma after "to anyone".
Also, you're using "names" twice in the last sentence.  Suggest
rewording.

"That's the way of it, Hermione," Janet said and picked up a
bathrobe. 'Keep using her name, hold her to the present.' she thought
to herself and held out the robe. "Come on then, put this on."

present,' she

Hermione numbly followed her mother out of her room and back into the
living room where they stopped before the clock. Janet sighed and
pulled out the small pendant she had worn around on a chain around

worn on a chain around

her neck for her entire adult life. It was made of metal, shaped like
a shield, and a a cross coming out from one point. She pulled the

and had a cross

chain over her head and slipped the key into a hidden lock on the
clock's doors. She turned the key once, and then pushed the door
inward, the pendulum seeming to fade from sight.

Then, as though this was perfectly normal.  Janet took Hermione's
hand and pulled her inside.

All was quiet and then Hermione leapt backwards out of the clock,
staring in wide-eyed horror.

Okay, that was the point where I worked out what you were doing,
the first time through.  And laughed like a drain.  ^_^

She sat there for several moments, chest heaving and then she got up
and carefully examined the clock. "This is impossible," she said to

chest heaving, and then got up and

She was in a large, circular shaped room. Metal bumps lined the walls
and the center of the room was taken up by a circular console covered
with knobs, buttons, levers and switches. A large monitor screen
covered the wall opposite the door and next to it was another door
covered with bas relief of some creature Hermione had never seen
before. The light came from some unseen source high overhead and a
glass pillar rose from the console all the way to the ceiling.

large, circular room     ["shaped" is redundant]
covered with a bas-relief of some

Leaning against the console, arms crossed, was her mother.

Poser!

Okay, the Doctor likes doing that too.  :)

"A little something of mine," Her mother replied. "And really, given
some of the things you've told me about your school, your friends and
that . . . Qudditch game, finding this should hardly be worth batting
an eye."

... Good point ...

Janet nodded. "From very far away. We were ancient when the first
mammals emerged on this planet and yet, the light from our sun has
yet to reach earth, if that gives you an idea. There was a war and I
crashed here on Earth."

on this planet, and yet the light

"There's no one left to call. I'd feel it if there were. In any case,
it was the seventies," Janet said with a laugh. "The materials I need
to fix this place won't be available for another fifty years at
least. So, I did what I could and settled in to wait. University and
then some sort of carreer seemed like a way to pass the time, and
that's where I met your father. We married, you were born, and that
was that." She smiled softly. "I've never been content before that,
but now . . . " she shrugged. "I am. Funny how things work out."

career

Hermione disappeared through the door to the changing area and Janet
busied herself with cleaning up the mess. She noticed with approval
and a bit of concern that all the conservative clothing had been
tossed aside as well as most of the more provacitive designs. That
spoke volumes about Hermione's new personality. Less introverted then
she had been, but probably not a "party girl".

and a bit of concern
or: and a little concern

provocative

Janet turned. Hermione stood in the middle of the room. She wore a
button down shirt with a black tie, dark blue pants and a vest that
was a touch too snug and a light coat that came down to mid-thigh. A
tie pin in the shape of a question mark adorned her coat lapel and
she wore a fedora at a jaunty angle. Boots with a slight heel were on
her feet.

Question mark?   *groan*

"Sophistry," Hermione scoffed. "You're not actually from Cardiff,"

Cardiff."

"I landed in Cardiff," Janet replied. "It was in Cardiff that I
became Janet Roman. That I was someone else before being Janet was
never mentioned, therefore, I didn't lie."

"Roman."  Heh.  Cute.

"None of your bras fit?" She asked.

She ==> she

The car ride into London proper was uneventful, and they threaded
their way through the mall crowds to a department store that sold
good, practical clothing. Not to mention the staff knew how to
properly fit a person.

Please tell me the store isn't Henrik's (where Rose worked)...

Hermione was two sizes larger the last time she'd been in and Janet
knew that she wasn't done growing yet. She rather suspected Hermione
would be taller than her when all was said and done.

larger than the last time

"I'm sure mine still fit," Hermione protested. I might be a bit
bigger in the tits and arse, but . . . what?"

protested. "I

At that moment, Janet's eye was drawn to the door. Coming through it
was three people. A black boy, a tall man in a brown suit and coat
with messy black hair and a blonde girl. The black boy and blonde
girl were arguing.

were three people.

If this is supposed to be the Tenth Doctor, he doesn't have black
hair.  It's brown.

Janet stiffened as though she'd been shot and her head whipped around
to stare at the Trio.

No need to capitalise "trio".

"What are you staring at?" Mickey demanded.

"I'm sorry," Janet said, a tremor in her voice. "Did I hear you say
Tardis?"

Now the man in the brown suit was looking at them curiously.

"No, I said Cardiff," Mickey snarled. "Bugger off."

Why's he being so rude?  He's not usually this bad.

I like the way Cardiff keeps coming up in this story.  Fits in nicely
with the new series.  ^_^

Hermione was confused, she'd never seen her mother like this before.

Comma splice.  Needs to be a sentence break after "confused".

...
Well, a very promising beginning.  I'll definitely be looking
forward to seeing where you take this.

Cheers,
Angus

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Angus MacSpon                                  Email: macspon@ihug.co.nz
ICQ: 65719513                          http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/





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