All right, let's give this a shot.
StudioPC wrote:
Disclaimer: Sailor Moon is the creation if Naoko Takeuchi. Other
characters are the property of Marvel Comics Inc. No money is being
made from this and no such intent should be inferred.
Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
Previous Chapters can be found at: http://www.fanfiction.net/
~pandorascloset
Your wordwrapping is splitting up the URL here; might want to consider
getting it all on one line.
C&C is always welcome.
* * * *
Bored.
Usagi leaned her chair back on two legs and attempted to balance a
pencil on the tip of her nose as she listened to the student
president drone on about some upcoming festival. It was one of the
big meetings, with not only class reps, but the club presidents as
well. Fortunately, most of the class reps were also club presidents,
so the room wasn't as packed as it could have been.
Hmm. Well that's an odd segue from the end of the last chapter that's
up on Fanfiction.net
Flash shrugged. "I'll go with Ami. Pretty young woman."'
Usagi turned around, sidestepped a light pole and fell into place
beside Ami. "I think she's a little kid. With cat ears and a tail.
Except she can hide them. She can also transform into a Senshi.
Except she uses a phone and a fan as a weapon."
Live action Sailor Moon, what would we do without you?
Flash looked at her for a moment. "Usagi, that's weird, even for you.
Next you'll be telling us that Tuxedo Kamen is a jewel thief."
"Well he might be," Mamoru said from behind them. "Whose Tuxedo
Kamen, Meatball Head? New boyfriend?"
Whose should be Who's
"I don't want to, God knows I don't," Mamoru said.
Comma after to should be a semicolon, I believe.
Spring came to an end and turned into summer. Usagi, Flash, and Ami
passed out of junior High school and High School loomed on the horizon.
Umm... it's possible that my memory of the details is already becoming
fuzzy, but weren't things pretty close to exploding? We had the
Senshi's secret identities being known to more or less everyone that
mattered
According to Banner, the only things Beryl needed to complete the
bomb was a supply of cobalt, and some uranium. The beauty of the
gamma bomb was that it needed uranium. It could be enriched, which
gave better performance, but raw would work just as well.
"The beauty of the gamma bomb was that it needed uranium." just doesn't
seem... right to me. It's not like needing uranium is unique to the
gamma bomb among weapons of mass destruction, after all.
Once that was out of the way, all that was left to do was wait and by
unspoken agreement, they did most of their waiting at Flash's and
even Usagi was nervous. Ami could tell because the blonde wasn't
cracking very many jokes. At times, entire hours went by without
Usagi making some comment, or holding one-sided conversations with
the TV.
Unnecessary comma after comment.
The portal slid open and Magnetite smirked as she gazed down over the
ship that held their prize. After this, there was just the cobalt and
then the real work, the Onslaught, could begin. It would be glorious.
But will it be an epic, incoherent saga spread across a dozen fanfics
that requires a massive reading order guide to make sense out of?
And that's about it; not really much to say beyond the minor
corrections. It looks like the next chapter(s) should be interesting,
and I'll definitely be keeping an eye out for them.