Eimii wrote:
This will primarily be mechanical C&C regarding the language in the fic
itself, so before we start this song and dance, i should probably let
you know about a few of my pet peeves, so you'll know why i comment on
some things ^_^;. The major ones that apply here are 'clear pronoun use'
and 'word repetition.'
Yep, you've accurately identified two of my weaknesses as a writer... :)
I won't respond individually to each instance, so thank you for pointing
out all of those. (And pretty much anything else I don't respond to
means that I didn't have anything much to say besides "Good catch; will
fix.")
Despite this, he had noticed quite a few interesting things
about his teacher, the legendary Sannin Jiraiya. Even setting aside
the
volumes he could write on the old man's perversity despite the fact
that
he still had only the vaguest perception of what that perversity
precisely entailed, there were countless small habits and mannerisms
of
which Naruto had become aware. For one, he knew the way Jiraiya's
eyes
shifted whenever he spoke or thought of Orochimaru. He could read the
nuances of the vast collection of sighs Jiraiya could produce.
Just a thought; though i know this isn't in Naruto's 'voice,' the
complex wording in these paragraphs sort of indirectly lends a feeling
of sophistication to the way Naruto has self-assessed his abilities. It
seems a little... odd, to me ^_^;... but that might just be me...
Hmm. I'll fiddle with that some.
Another thing he had learned was that Jiraiya rarely, if ever,
totally dropped his guard. Even when he was sleeping, the Toad Hermit
seemed ready for any attack. Still, Naruto could tell when Jiraiya
Ready for _any_ attack? That seems somewhat execssive for someone who's
sleeping. Though Naruto has observed that he never _totally_ drops his
guard, that statement itself implies that he does drop it more than a
little bit, at times; he just never quite reaches the threshold where
he's completely unguarded.
Very true; I'll rework that bit.
"Pay attention to Kaida-chan." Jiraiya smiled weakly. "She'll
hit you with lightning if you don't." His face turned serious. "If
anyone can help you right now, it's her. So long as you're careful,
you
can trust Kaida-chan at least as far as that goes." His eyes
subconsciously glanced around the garden once more. "Don't trust
anyone
Eyes can't really subconsciously do anything by themselves, as they have
no consciousness; Jiraiya can subconsciously do things _with_ them,
however...
Right. Will fix.
"I guess," Naruto observed, searching for another name. "Ah!
Sakura-chan made it!" She was fighting an 'Uzuki Ami.' If that was
the
Ami Naruto thought it was, he really wished he could have been there
to
see the fight and cheer Sakura on, even more than before.
Hmm... would Naruto have known/been infatuated with Sakura back when
Sakura was still being bullied? That was pretty far in the past.
Canon is silent on just how and when Naruto met/got a crush on Sakura.
We know that the bullying was while Sakura was at the ninja academy, and
they all seem to have stuck with the same class the whole way through
it. (Which really doesn't work with the idea that Naruto failed the
genin exam three times, but I've _never_ really been able to figure out
a convincing explanation for that which makes sense with everything else
we see, so I tend to ignore it.)
So Naruto would have known her during that time period, and it's easy
enough to imagine a scenario where the bullying of Sakura was actually
what originally drew his attention to her, given Naruto's own situation.
The door to the mediation chamber burst open, two robed
acolytes
rushing in. One reacted quickly to the sight that awaited him, hands
flickering through seals. "Raiton: Hand of Thunder!" One open palm
darted at Naruto's back, electricity crackling around it.
It's been noted in canon recently that the chidori is indeed a lightning
element technique. This makes me wonder just how original it can
possibly be, if the lightning country specializes in lightning element
techniques...
Yeah, I saw that bit. I'm not really happy with it, since it
contradicts pretty much everything we've been told about the Chidori to
date. For the moment, I'm covering my ears and pretending that Kakashi
is dumbing things down for Naruto to understand and using "electricity"
as a metaphor or something.
Actually, double-checking the translations, Nihongaeri's translation
seems to support that interpretation, having Kakashi say that he makes
his chakra "resemble electricity," not become it.
"I'm not an evil man," Homura said. "I wish her nothing but
the
best." He shook his head slightly. "That's one of the reasons I
didn't
want to acknowledge her as Takeru's daughter. Mitokado Sakura would
not
have had a happy life, I fear."
Oho... So Fuki is Sakura's cousin on her father's side and Midori might
be her cousin on her mother's side? This is like a miniature family
reunion for Sakura ^_^;... Except that _both_ sides of her family don't
want anything to do with her. Poor Sakura-chan -_-;...
Heh.
Fuki could very well be a distant cousin, though, since the only
confirmed connection is their great-grandfather.
Midori might very well be a much closer relative, since it's been
mentioned that the Haruno are a small clan.
"That was weak, Sakura," Ino returned with a roll of her eyes.
"I'm afraid between your oversized forehead and that skill, there's
not
enough room in your brain for witty insults."
An Ino ribs Sakura for making poor banter; that barely made sense
^_^;;...
Heh. I'll see what I can do with that bit.
When she finished, Sakura softly snarled, "Damn it." The pink-
Hmm... and just a little bit ago you went to the trouble of specifically
telling us that there is nothing 'soft' about Sakura's voice at the
moment...
Err... oops? ;)
Sakura shrugged slightly. "I don't know about that. She also
likes to use a technique called Shadow Smoke Evasion. It's like the
Replacement Technique, but she doesn't need to leave anything behind.
It also leaves behind enough smoke to disorient you for a moment."
Hmm... that parses oddly, because first she says Ren doesn't need to
leave anything behind, and then she says that Ren leaves behind smoke.
The replacement technique, as far as i'm aware, allows the ninja to swap
themselves with a nearby or readily available object that for a moment
resembles them, like a bunshin.
Yeah, I'm being a little incoherent here. I'll rework the explanation some.
I'm aware that the object is usually a
log, though i often wonder where they hell they keep getting logs to
replace themselves with O_O;...
I generally _try_ to make that clear, but it gets tough and so sometimes
I just cheat on it. :)
In any event, the Shadow Smoke Evasion seems to replace Ren with a
bunshin that explodes into stinging smoke when distrupted, more smoke
than a normal bunshin would produce. Is this correct? I only ask because
i'm trying to figure out a way for Sakura to express what the technique
is like more clearly ^_^;;...
Sounds good to me. I really didn't think through that technique all the
way when I introduced it, and I'm paying for it.
It thought that the mist trio had this discussion, where Midori (and
apparently Ren and Kimi) all insisted that it was fire element
_taijutsu_, while Saburo had trouble understanding how any true taijusu
can utilize elemental chakra.
They did.
I'm inclined to agree with Saburo (and
Sakura). It's been stated recently in canon that ninjutsu can be divided
into a few different types: those that change the shape of chakra, those
that change the nature of chakra, and those that do both. By 'nature' it
seems to mostly mean changing chakra from basic 'body' chakra to various
types of elemental chakra. Taijustu, on the other hand, uses chakra
directly through the body, and so doesn't need to change its nature.
Well, the way I see it is that, while those might be the academic
definitions, in "real" practice the line is a lot more blurry. Take the
Uzumaki Naruto Rendan, for example; is it taijutsu or ninjutsu? Canon
seems to say ninjutsu, but the Rendan itself is really only taijutsu; a
bunch of cooperating people could pull it off with some practice without
any ninjutsu at all. It just requires a ninjutsu (kage bunshin) to work
effectively in normal circumstances.
Fire Dragon Fist Style is a taijutsu style that's designed around the
idea that the user is using fire element ninjutsu to wreathe her hands
in flame and can use techniques like the Claw of the Fire Dragon and so
forth. Somebody like Lee could learn the raw physical style if he
really wanted to, but there wouldn't be much point beyond intellectual
curiosity; it would be like a non-Hyuuga learning the physical motions
of the Gentle Fist.
"She's almost certainly not that fast," Sakura said. "The Fire
Dragon Fist also burns through chakra really quickly. You can outlast
her if she uses it." Sakura frowned in thought. "I'd guess that
she'd
only go for taijutsu as a last resort. She seems more of a ninjutsu-
type."
One has to assume that Anko has explained all of this to her, even
though Anko never taught Sakura any of the other techniques. Still,
we've never been shown Anko explaining how the Fire Dragon Fist actually
functions in a fight...
Anko presumably used and explained the Fire Dragon Fist in some of their
off-screen spars. Ren and Kimi will probably get a chance to show it
off on-screen in the next chapter.
"That was a fluke," Ino stated. "Being behind your freaky
forehead weirded me out and weakened my technique. It won't happen
again. This time, you're not going to stand a chance."
"In your dreams, Ino-pig," Sakura said.
Not gonna go into it here, huh ^_^;?
Nope. For the purposes of One Hundred Days, Inner Sakura was just a
representation of all the stuff Sakura was repressing and doesn't really
have any separate existence.
Anko rolled her eyes. "I hate that technique," she muttered.
"Seems too much like cheating." Still, she raised her hand. "Shimano
Ren yields. The second match goes to Yamanaka Ino!"
Well, on one hand, it could be considered cheap, but on the other
hand... there are _so_ many nasty things that Ino could do to Ren in
that situation that don't involve hurting her immediately (and thus
damaging Ino's own body). For instance, she could grab a dozen explosion
notes and swallow them, then release...
Ew.
But yeah, Anko is just griping unreasonably. She's probably just
doesn't like the technique because there's no blood or explosions. :)
"Only if by lose, you mean win," Sakura said as she pushed past
Ino.
Now that... was a weak comeback. Poor Sakura-chan must be awfully
distracted ^_^;.
She's got a lot to be distracted by.
Before Ami could attack, all three remaining Sakura exploded
into smoke. "You should think again," the real Sakura stated from
behind Ami. The purple-haired girl managed to flip out of the way of
the trio of kunai that flew at her back, twisting in midair to face
her
opponent. Sakura grinned. She should have thought of combining
deliberately poor ordinary replications with the Perfect Replication
Technique that way a long time ago.
Don't need the 'that way.' Also, as it's genjutsu, the Perfect
Replication Sakura wouldn't burst into smoke unless Sakura were
specifically trying to fool Ami into believing that it was a regular
bunshin.
She is. She winds up not needing it, but she doesn't want Ami to figure
out the Perfect Replication Technique completely in case she needs to
use it again.
One of the rare instances of that in this chapter, I suppose... ;)
Ami drew her sword and cut at Sakura in one single, smooth
motion, almost too quickly to see. The perfect strike was too fast to
dodge, cutting the pink-haired genin in half at the waist. Grinning,
Iaijutsu (sword-drawing technique)? So Ami's taijutsu is roughly similar
to samurai kenjutsu? Iiiinteresting...
Indeed. Not terribly important, but interesting. :)
a fist. Too quickly for Chouji too react, the discarded wires
surrounding him rose into the air, twisting around him and binding
him.
Turning to face the over-sized ninja, Tenten brought the other end of
one wire to her lips, her hands forming a seal around it. "It's
over,"
she said loudly. "Yield!"
Must be hard to shout with your lips clasped around a wire ^_^;;....
Or when you're breathing fire, for that matter. It must be an E-rank
technique they all learn in the academy. :)
"This is the Chiba Clan's Bloodline Limit," Maya stated
proudly,
"the ability to change one's entire body into water."
Eheh... with this sort of technique, i always wonder: "Okay... so they
have the power to transform their body into water/stone/ice/basic
proteins and amino acids... does that necessarily mean they have the
power to make twenty pounds of cloth, paper, wood and metal armor and
ninja gear transform into water/stone/etc...?"
Well, you see, the *mumble mumble* personal chakra field interacts
*indecipherable* subspace coordinates *censored* broadcast standards...
A WIZARD DID IT!
:)
Hyuuga Neji wasn't able to stop himself from smirking as he
studied the girl standing a few paces across from him. For now, he
met
her green eyes unafraid - if she was tempted to use her own doujutsu
I don't think Neji would ever meet someone's gaze and be afraid, even if
he knew it was dangerous. He's waaay to arrogant for that.
True.
"Well, guess what? I was born exceptional, too. Top kunoichi
in my class.
That... almost never says much, in my experience with the Naruto
universe. Ino was the top kunoichi in her class too ^_^;...
Yeah.
Midori had some tougher competition, though. Ren at the very least. (I
believe I've also hinted once or twice, and it makes sense given the
village's history, that the Mist's academy and genin training is rather
more brutal than the Leaf's.)
"Oh, no," Midori stated. "They are right, and my visit here
has
only proved it. Didn't you even listen to the examiner a moment ago?
The Hyuuga are the most feared clan in the Leaf, not the most loved.
I've seen and read about the way your kind have lorded it over this
village. One day, enough of them -" she waved broadly at the crowd
"-
will see the light and overcome their fear. Then you and your whole
family will be hunted through the streets and torn to pieces like the
subhuman abominations you are!"
Hmm... but Midori has just stated that her clan elders were right to
sterlize her, to prevent the possibility that she might start an
advanced bloodline. That sort of implies that she has a suspicion that
she is indeed a genetic anomaly, and thus a 'subhuman abomination' just
like Neji. Of course, she is probably just stating that her clan is
right to be afraid of advanced bloodlines, while Neji is stating that
she's displacing her anger at her clan toward himself, and she's just
refusing to admit this...
Pretty much, yeah. Midori's got a mixture of self-hatred, displaced
anger, envy, and prejudice that makes her hate Neji (and Sakura, for
that matter) so much.
Like I said in my reply to Lurker, if Neji were Naruto he'd have used
this fight to somehow make Midori work through all these issues and
become a better human being. Since Neji is Neji, he just beats her and
moves on, since it isn't _his_ problem. :)
Also, Neji is _really_ stupid and arrogant to stay in a cloud of water
vapor that a mist ninja has just created, especially since she's
demonstrated the ability to create fast moving projectiles from water.
His 'absolute defense' might protect him from any ninjutsu that's she's
demonstrated thus far, but not from every possible ninjutsu that could
be in a water ninja's bag of dirty tricks... For instance, in one filler
ep, the hidden rain nins demonstrated a trick that made it rain flamable
oil. I don't think even Neji would be in very good shape after standing
dumbly in a cloud of fuel-air explosive when it went off ^_^;...
True. Neji is trying to make Midori think that she has control of the
fight to lure her into a position where he can Gentle Fist her easily.
He probably assumes that with the Byakugan he can detect the change in
chakra before Midori can pull off any really dangerous technique and get
the hell out of there if necessary.
Anko nodded once. "The winner, Hyuuga Neji of the Hidden
Village of the Leaf!" It was a shame, Neji thought, that his opponent
wasn't awake to hear the crowd cheer his victory.
That has some interesting double meanings. It might just be that Neji is
being his usual, arrogant bastard self... or he might be thinking that
Midori should hear the crowd cheering him, the much feared Hyuuga
'freak.'
Indeed. :)
Slowly, she forced herself to her feet, finding the she now
stood a few paces to Neji's right. Arrogantly, he hadn't turned to
face
her, and his Byakugan was deactivated. "Please withdraw," he
demanded.
"A genin-level genjutsu like the Displacement Technique won't work on
me."
So that's what Kurenai taught her... a neat trick, i guess, against
someone who isn't expecting it and doesn't have a decisive advantage
against genjutsu.
Right.
In this case, Sakura is actually pulling the same trick Midori used
earlier and using a genjutsu she means Neji to see through so he'll
think he knows what she's trying and not look out for the trickier stuff
she's setting up.
Neji really should know better, but he does have a habit of
underestimating his opponents' trickiness.
Sakura didn't say anything as her hands formed seals, slowly
concentrated on using her almost perfect control to channel chakra
around the tenketsu Neji had closed as she re-activated the technique.
Still without responding, she charged Neji again.
Hmm... just as a sort of nitpicky thing, Hinata didn't feel it at all
when Neji was closing her tenketsu; those strikes weren't meant to cause
damage, just impair her. The regular gentle fist attacks, on the other
hand, cause _serious_ internal damage. I'm just wondering if it's even
possible for a gentle fist attack to do both at once, since the
damage-causing attacks force chakra into the body, while the
tenketsu-closing attacks block the flow of chakra. It _has_ been
demonstrated that Neji can mix both types of attacks almost invisibly
into an exchange of blows, but he never did both with a single strike, i
think...
You're right, come to think of it. I'll rework this.
every heartbeat as they flew at Neji. He had barely a moment to
decide
which evil to choose, then he began to spin. The first whirls of
chakra
he expelled were enough to fling Sakura's real shuriken away, but the
Just as a side note, Byakugan users _do_ activate the Byakugan when they
use the heavenly spin, i think... though i might be wrong...
Hmm. As I recall the original explanation from canon, the Byakugan's
main role in the Kaiten is to give the Hyuuga perfect awareness so that
he can't be taken by surprise.
I will have to check that and adjust the scene if necessary, though.
Sakura forced one of Neji's smirks onto her face. "Who said I
was copying Lee-san?" she asked, and her foe's silver eyes widened as
he
They seem to have an awfull long time to talk while they're floating
through the air O_o;;....
True.
But that's just how it works, apparently. I'm pretty sure we got in
excess of two minutes of spectator reaction and Sasuke struggling to
restrain the Cursed Seal when he used Shishi Rendan, after all. :)
Channeling chakra to increase her strength, Sakura yanked back
her arm, pulling Neji back up toward her.
Now _that_... is actually a _lot_ like the final preparations for
entering the primary lotus attack, despite what Sakura said.
More like the Secondary Lotus, actually, IIRC. Sakura just uses it to
get in one extra hit, though, not a huge mid-air combo.
The Hyuuga's face was pale, and he was clutching at his
shoulder. "The snakes actually were poisoned," he said.
Hmm... that statement implies that Neji knew that the shuriken were not
really poisoned; maybe he did, if he read her tells with his byakugan.
_However_... saying that the snakes were 'poisoned' makes it sound like
Sakura got some poison and carefull applied it to the snakes fangs in
preparation for the attack. It might be more appropriate to say that the
snakes were 'poisonous.'
Right. Will fix.
"Yes." Sakura took a deep breath. "Nothing fatal, just enough
to start impairing your chakra control."
"I probably have about three minutes to end this," Neji
declared, and Sakura nodded.
Though if this had been a real fight, Neji would have just lost no
matter what he did next, because the poison probably wouldn't have been
of the 'non-fatal' variety ^_^;...
Pretty much. Neji probably knows that, though he'd never say as much
out loud.
increasingly frightened Mist ninja. It was almost like watching Lee's
fight against Gaara in the last exams again.
Almost exactly; this defence is very, very similar to the shield of
sand... though its hard to fathom how it could possibly defend him
against behing thrown into a wall, because Saburo was already in motion
at the time, so any sudden impact, even against his water defense, would
injure him. If the water gently cushioned him against the impact, it
probably wouldn't be able to do it instantly or invisibly; more likely
it would be the same as the gourd of sand, where _everyone_ noticed that
the gourd dissolved and effectively formed a cushion for Gaara's
landing...
Well, it didn't really _gently_ cushion him. He used it to get just
enough cushioning and slow himself down enough that he wasn't knocked
out and was able to switch places with a water replication. He still
took a pretty big hit, just not quite as bad as it would have been.
Also, while the technique is very similar to the shield of sand, it is
substantially weaker, being very vulnerable to sufficiently strong fire
ninjutsu and using up a _lot_ of chakra. If Lee had been more patient,
he could have easily won just by keeping on hitting Saburo until he ran
out of chakra. The technique is really more designed for a surprise
defense against one attack than as a permanent shield against multiple
attacks.
Lee didn't answer at first, turning himself and Saburo around
in
midair so that their heads were pointed to the ground. He spun the
two
around rapidly, shouting, "Primary Lotus!" Mere instants before the
two
would have crashed into the arena floor, he released his foe, flipping
away to land lightly facing the impact sight.
Not for the first time, i wonder at the mystical mechanics of the
primary lotus, where the airborne user, without any leverage at all,
manages to accelerate his victim to earth-cracking, fatal velocities in
a matter of moments... and how this can be a taijutsu and not some sort
of weird ninjutsu ^_^;;...
A WIZARD DID IT.
Next question! :)
Still, as Anko had to remind herself every so often, she wasn't
that sort of person. Sure, it would have been exciting, but her job
was
to make sure nobody was killed or seriously injured in the exam, if at
Aaaaw, but that's what liability waivers are for ;_;...
Well, yes. But ideally nobody wants to waste genin who are good enough
to make it this far.
Anko sighed. At least he hadn't tried to use Secondary Lotus
like in the last exam. Tsunade had made her promise to intervene if
it
looked like Lee was going for that move, saying she had no intention
of
developing another miracle surgery for the boy. It was probably wise,
but Anko knew that she'd never hear the end of it from Gai if she had
to
do that.
Though the sentiment fits, it should be noted that the medical nins
specifically stated before that the damage caused by the Secondary Lotus
itself wasn't anything they couldn't handle... though that doesn't mean
Tsunade wouldn't forbid it ^_^...
Forgot that bit; will rework slightly.
Well, that was exciting! All taken into account, i thought the fights
went well, and were decided appropriately. As others have mentioned, it
was a tiny bit of a letdown that Sakura lost, but quite understandable.
Sakura showed herself on a couple of occasions to be capable of a level
of ruthlessness that we haven't seen in a genin since the previous
year's Hidden Sand team, so one feels confident that in a real fight, it
would be dangerous to underestimate her ^_^;...
Yep. Sakura really has nothing to be ashamed about with her performance.
In terms of pyrotechnics, Ino and Sakura's fight was again the least
exciting of the lot, but in both of Ino's fights the blond girl
displayed an exceeding talent for misdirection and psychological
warfare. I can see why the Hokage et all would consider her close to
chuunin level, despite not being a 'powerful' ninja. Unfortunately, Ino
suffers from the 'show and tell' syndrome just like everyone else, which
means that her tricks and ruses become far, far less effective after the
first use, because she tells her opponent _exactly_ how she tricked
them -_-;
You know, in this context it does actually _kind of_ make sense. After
all, the whole point is to impress the judges, and you want to make sure
they understand just what you were doing, right? ;)
Heh... we probably won't get to see it for a long time, but i'd like to
know what Tsunade's reaction was to Sakura pulling out a snake-summoning
technique. One can only guess that she might not be pleased, to put it
mildly...
Scene two, next chapter. :)
There wasn't really a great deal of plot development to comment on in
this chapter, but that's understandable. It was a fun read and i look
forward to the fireworks to come in the next chapter, though all the
genin appear to be too physically wasted to participate in the fun
>_<;...
Eh, there'll be enough time before the fecal matter really starts
impacting the ventilation device that most of them should be able to
participate at least a little.
...And now i should really go back to trying to finish my own fic. How
on earth do you people find time to read, write _and_ comment at the
same time? Madness! I would have gotten around to this sooner, but i've
been pounding futily at my writer's block for over a week ;_;...
Good luck with that; I hate it when it happens.
Anyhow, i know probably i missed a million things i should have pointed
out to you, but i hope my inane commetary manages to help you in some
way! Thanks for writing this wonderful piece of fanfiction, and i hope
to see more soon ^_~...
Thank you for the comments!