In general, the explanatory text here seemed a bit hard to digest.  You
might want to break it up somehow, rather than just having Harry
lecture.  Maybe have him explain something, then show how he does it.
This would actually be a good opportunity to show how Harry had to adapt
things from the books to work.

Oh?
You mean with flashbacks?  After all, some of this stuff is still in 
the development stage.

Not with flashbacks necessarily (though its a possibility), rather with 
explanations or examples to Hermione about how he adapted things.  He 
could tell her about how one novel/game had a really neat idea for a 
spell that just didn't work/had a reduced effect the way they had 
described it (cue demonstration of failed spell), but when he altered 
the hand gestures/visualization exercises/effect/etc... it worked much 
better with essentially the same result.  And hopefully the change would 
bring the spell or effect more into line with some of the existing Harry 
Potter magic--which is the baseline for magic.  (Casting spells can be 
done in different ways in the Harry Potter universe--it's what Snape was 
trying to teach Harry in the last book after all--it's just generally 
more difficult.)

One other thing that I just thought of that you might want to consider
is making your references to popular culture a bit more generic to fit
the Harry Potter universe--J.K. Rowling takes a lot of care not to
explicitly name a lot of the Muggle people and places she uses.  (For
instance, in the scene with the Prime Minister in Half-Blood Prince she
never uses a specific party, his rivals are always "the opposition", and
the president he is waiting for a call from is just "from a far away
land".)  It generally helps to focus the action and heft of the story on
the Wizarding world in her case, but its one more piece to make your
story feel a little more authentic.

The only place I could really do that, and maybe make it work, is with 
the RPGs I believe.  That's the only place I can really make it generic.

It could probably be done with the books as well, it would just be a 
little more difficult.  Altering references to Star Wars to "the space 
opera genre" and doing similar things for various types of fantasy: "in 
medieval fantasy worlds, they liked to...",  "in modern fantasy, he had 
found that references to magic used...", "when he read about worlds of 
low-powered magic", "in high arcana, they", etc...   Characters and 
abilities could be described as well, rather than utilizing the same 
phrases/names that are used in the books.  It would be more work, but it 
might help to anchor the story and bring it closer to the source--direct 
references to stories can be fun to see if you've read the work, but 
they also pull you out of the story a bit.

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