Subject: [FFML] Re: [HP][Fic]Harry Potter, the Arch-Magus chapter 5
From: "James M. Zema" <zema@zema.info>
Date: 7/7/2006, 10:27 AM
To: ffml@anifics.com

I don't think Harry has been reading the same D&D books I'm familiar 
with--astral projection is a 9th level spell.  I don't think separating 
the spirit from the body is something anyone is going to think of as a 
cantrip, even if they are 11--they're more likely to follow the books 
explicitly.
	"Another cantrip I've been considering developing is astral projection.  
It's where you temporarily seperate your spirit from your body, and either 
allow it to move around the physical world, or travel to other, less 
physical, planes of existence."

  

Planes of existence seem like they should be a dead end in the Harry 
Potter universe, though I suppose the existence of an Afterlife is 
pretty likely.

	"Planes of existence?"  Hermione noted the unfamiliar term.

	"Planes of existence are... well it can mean a couple of different things.  
Sometimes they use it to mean a different universe, or another dimension."  
Harry explained.  "Other times, they use it to mean a different level or 
area of reality.  Like the Afterlife, or something like that."  'I'm 
surprised she hasn't come across the term before in her reading.'

  

In general, the explanatory text here seemed a bit hard to digest.  You 
might want to break it up somehow, rather than just having Harry 
lecture.  Maybe have him explain something, then show how he does it.  
This would actually be a good opportunity to show how Harry had to adapt 
things from the books to work.

One other thing that I just thought of that you might want to consider 
is making your references to popular culture a bit more generic to fit 
the Harry Potter universe--J.K. Rowling takes a lot of care not to 
explicitly name a lot of the Muggle people and places she uses.  (For 
instance, in the scene with the Prime Minister in Half-Blood Prince she 
never uses a specific party, his rivals are always "the opposition", and 
the president he is waiting for a call from is just "from a far away 
land".)  It generally helps to focus the action and heft of the story on 
the Wizarding world in her case, but its one more piece to make your 
story feel a little more authentic.

	This only seemed to enrage the potions master, who stared Harry in the eyes 
for a few moments.  Harry again had the sensation of 'something' touching 
him inside his head.  It wasn't like the all-enveloping feeling of the 
Sorting Hat, but more like the spider legs that he had gotten when 
Ollivander looked in his eyes.  On a hunch, supported by Kenobi's advice to 
  

 From what I recall of the chapter, you had described the sensation of 
wearing the hat as spider legs as well.

  

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