Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to misquote
facts and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at
one point can easily be retracted on the next, depending on how the story
progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I
see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your
fic? You have the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you
can use and ignore the rest. ^_^
It also occurs to me that my lexicon may not be at par with yours, so any
unfamiliar word I ask about isn't necessarily a correction but just general
ignorance on my part (as pointed out by a certain Thomas Michael Edwards). As
such, it'd be appreciated if you'd have the patience to clear up some of my
questions on those particular instances. Thanks.
And my next victim is... ^_^
On 6/15/06, Raye Johnsen <raye_j@yahoo.com> wrote:
Okay, I know I haven't posted here in years, normally
posting to LJ, but hey, if the people here are
actually prepared to read something *other* than
Ranma, I'm not going to start studying equine
dentistry.
I think your little joke just went over my head. Nevertheless, I'm game with
the C&C if you are. And you're right, it's been a while... The last I've heard
from you was the Gatekeepers fic you've posted (correct me if I'm wrong with my
assumption that you're the one who posted it, my memory's bordering Alzheimer's
in poorness)
Please C&C; I LOVE comments and criticism.
Homer Simpson: Those words don't really mean anything, Lisa! It's like
'ramalamadingdong' or 'give peace a chance'!"
Heh. Oh, don't mind me. This is merely a cut and paste self-referential humor
on several fics who don't really take seriously the 'Feedback most appreciated'
tag after getting critical feedback that aren't favorable to them. (smug) We'll
see. I know several people who have eaten their words in regards to feedback.
You asked for it, therefore you get it. No whining in the end about getting
what you asked for, mmkay?
Fair warning: Australian spelling is used throughout.
Oh, I'm cool with Commonwealth grammar rules. After being hit on the head
several times by the Commonwealth-grammar-using authors I've C&Ced, that is.
^_^
Please enjoy!
I'll be the judge of that. ;)
========
Leaves
By Raye Johnsen
raye_j@yahoo.com
Suggest: Raye Johnsen --> Ray Johnson
....
Just kidding! ^_~
******
�Mobile Suit Gundam Seed� is copyright Bandai,
Ah, the usual �smart quotes� problem. Well, here's a li'l tip if you're using
Microsoft Word (if not, might I suggest using a plaintext writing program?) Go
to the Tools menu, click 'AutoCorrect', then click the Autoformat tab. You'll
see a checklist there. Under the "Replace" header, uncheck "replace straight
quotes with smart quotes."
[From the pages of {Tokyo Daily}, June 10th]
.... And in music news, the dance sensation Lacus
Clyne released her latest CD last night.
Ever since her debut in the underground nightclubs of
New York five years ago at the age of thirteen, Clyne
has been a figure of debate. Did Sony sponsor her
first mainstream performance simply to garner
publicity, to attract the teenage market, or because
(as they claim) they were the first to recognize
Clyne's undeniable talent?
Most probably the former, but only because I'm a cynical bastard.
The intensely private composer and performer has
excelled herself once more, and one can hear the
desperate scrabble of other artists on both sides of
the Pacific as they seek to catch up to Clyne's
vision....
======================
[From the diary of Lacus Clyne]
June 11th
Dear Diary,
I've *got* to get out of here.
Ah. And here the conflict is introduced. Interesting style you're employing
here. It's like a weblog, or the clumped-together entries of just one user in a
mail correspondence. To make it into a fic of some sort is nothing short of
inspired, (though not necessarily original... just inspired). Still, it's a
rarity to see in this list, and interesting nonetheless.
Well! Here I am, at a house called Freedom.
Lacus: Actually, that's not what it's called. This is Gundam. But you know,
Freedom's better because it sounds more... homey.
I've no idea why it's called Freedom. Not Freedom
Manor, or Castle, or House, just Freedom.
Mitsuo Fukuda: (snaps) It's just is.
Amazingly enough, it turns out that Freedom is owned
by another 'prodigy' - you know that computer
designer, Kira Yamato? (Yes, Athrun, the one I
fangirled about a couple of years ago when he put out
Athrun: He sounds oddly familiar.
Hmmm. To see the term 'fangirl' in a fic without the fic being an anti-Mary Sue
parody... Now I've seen everything. (shakes head)
I'll write more later. Remember, that's a raincheck,
(shrugs) I'd suggest rain-check, unless it's a colloquialism and you couldn't
have it spelled any other way due to your, er, regional upbringing.
I haven't touched the half-ream I've found in the room
that I've turned into my studio. I'll write and ask
Shiho if I mentioned anything about any paper to her.
Things have been so hectic since the leadup
(shrugs) Again... lead-up. If I'm merely mistaken (and lacking of a sense of
humor to boot) please do cheerfully ignore this erroneous 'correction' of mine.
Thanks.
Shiho knows nothing about any paper. If I had
mentioned it to her, she'd remember; unlike me, Shiho
has a very organised mind �
(shrugs) Suggest: very-organised mind (because, to me, 'very organised' is a
compound descriptor that should be hyphenated).
Mia is still bubbling over with excitement over being
at the launch. She, Athrun, Shiho, Yzak and Dearka are
apparently still riding high on the celebrity. I'm
Perhaps I'm simply not getting your meaning behind the sentence, but might I
suggest:
still riding high on being celebrities.
Or: still riding high on the idea of being a celebrity.
On rereading that, I feel so dumb. You�d think, the
way I feel about this, I�d have gotten further.
Er, it's hard to get to second-third-fourth-base if your dream boy has the
consistency of air. Holding hands, I bet, already holds quite a problem. No
touchie, no nookie. Except ghost-nookie in her dreams, but that's her business.
Oh
well, who'll ever read this anyway? Just me, and I
know what I mean.
Er...
I was busily laying in the bass line on the new song
Suggest: laying down i.e. jutting down/putting down/writing down (as opposed to
jutting in/putting in/writing in)
He was carrying another bouquet. Dianthus and
fleur-de-lys.
I can't believe I *noticed* that.
Ghost-Lacus: You can't help it. It's a plot point, y'see.
Lacus: (shrieks)
For the record, it is very very freaky to watch an
Suggest: very, very freaky (adds a natural pause, IMO)
� I know I�m missing something. But I can�t think
what.
Also of note is the MS Word/other-formatted ellipsis. Find a way to fix that,
please. Thanks.
Kira can cook. Why I am surprised about that I don�t
know, but, well. I guess I just didn�t think of a
ghost cooking.
Suggest: didn't think of --> couldn't imagine
Or: didn't think of the idea of/didn't think much about the idea of
Also: I don't know, but, well... I guess (make the period into an ellipsis and
connect the two sentences together into clauses)
Last night, in my dream, we had a long, involved
conversation. On guilt, responsibility and how he�s
not touching my bathroom. Have to love his priorities.
He�s a really good kisser, too.
(Theme of 'Ghost' plays in the background)
I wonder if Kira Yamato will sell Freedom?
That's not a question, so it shouldn't be punctuated with a question mark.
Punctuate the sentence with a period instead.
An unintentional metaphor if I ever seen one. And my answer to it? Probably
not.
expires in just over five weeks, and I don�t want to
go! I especially don�t want to leave Kira. Not after
what we�ve done together.
I'm wondering why I haven't seen her question why Kira the ghost and Kira the
fleshy have the same name...
And another thing... Could it be that Kira was seeing Lacus the ghost as well?
I�m also starting to dream, not just of him now, but
of a life where I�m married to this man, where we live
in Freedom and are very much in love. How
out-of-context this seems for the time � we�re living
in the Meiji Era and Kira is working with the gaijin
engineers to build the first railway in Edo, but we�re
supposed to call it �Tokyo� now, and we were married
by our parents but fell in love with each other
anyway.
Lacus: As opposed to my other dream where there's this 'bloody valentine' war
and giant flying robots...
good for him to catch this cold from both his
parents�.
Here again, your ellipsis is a non-ASCII-standard one. Please replace the '�'
after 'parents' with '...'
[From the diary of Lacus Clyne]
August 15th
Dear Diary,
Conversations with Kira have confirmed my suspicions �
my dreams are memories.
Suggest: my suspicions; my dreams are memories
But I don�t want to hurt Kira, and I don�t
want to hurt either.
Suggest: and I don't want to hurt myself either.
I'd worked out who and what Kira was. Now I had to
work out why he was there. When he'd been telling me
since the first day.
'When' he'd been telling me? Shouldn't it be 'What he'd been telling me'? If
I'm merely misreading the line, then please clarify.
Simple. Incredibly simple.
I didn't want to.
Awww.
I've never been approached by boys, ever. All my life,
I've been 'odd', and 'weird';
Must be the pink hair. That, or the weird name.
it was a relief for my
parents when I went into music and they didn't have to
worry about me anymore. Here was a wonderful, gorgeous
guy who *didn't* think I was a weirdo, who wanted me
the way I am.
Er, that kind of says a lot considering that he's a ghost and a living person
at the same time...
Lacus: (pouts)
Send him *away*? Do I *look* crazy?
Casper would have been proud. And jealous.
I felt the sun fall, as it painted the sky in cinnamon
and violet, as brightly coloured as the skirts of one
of my performance dresses.
(smiles) What is it with fangirls, 'shipping, and using overly-descriptive,
color-fixated, metaphor-filled writing style that resembles archaic
mid-nineteenth century prose? ^_^; The 'shipping can easily be explained, but
the cosmetic sameness of the writing style of most of the fangirls? It's a
veritable trend, I tell you.
I felt Kira come up behind
me. "It's beautiful, isn't it?" I said, without
turning around.
Suggest: I asked (even though, yes, she did technically say/state her
question).
"I am content," he replied quickly, looking worried.
"We can work this out, Lacus," he continued.
"No," I whispered. "Kira, I love you. I release you."
Indeed, 'rgorman' is right. It's the ol' 'If you love 'em, let 'em go' shtick.
My lease expired two weeks after I - let him go? Set
him free? What do I call it, anyway?
Ya dumped him.
I finished the song I was writing for him, and I cried
as I did.
I'm still writing, and still with the flower theme. I
kept finding myself singing about lost love, but that
hasn't happened in a week and a half. I think I might
be starting to get over it all.
I can see it now...
Lacus's LJ: The White Queen (formerly 'The Pink Princess')
Lacus's Mood: pensive :(
Lacus's Music: "Fields of Hope" by Lacus Clyne (Kinda narcissistic of me, isn't
it? :P)
For good or for ill, the first thought that came to mind when I read this was
"OMGBBQLJDRAMALOLZERZ!!!!11!!"
I hope he went to the right place, that the oath he
made didn't hold him away from where he was supposed
to be.
Afterlife... Summerland... Limbo... Purgatory... Heaven... Hell... Reikai...
Makai... Naraku... Elysian Fields... Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory...
Nothingness... Scientology Land... Depends on what he believes in.
Wait a moment - someone's at the door.
Suggest: Wait a moment. Someone's at the door.
Because methinks you're overusing the dashes a tad bit. When it comes to
over-punctuation, apparently, it depends on the person. In my case, I
over-punctuate on ellipses. A lot of authors over-punctuate on semicolons. I've
seen at least one author who over-punctuates on colons. *coughnopscamcough* We
authors got to realize that there's an ample amount of punctuation marks to go
around for us to specifically use just one punctuation mark. ^_^
=============
[From the journal of Kira Yamato]
October 25th
I didn't dream of her again. It's been two months.
Heh. Now that answers my question about Ghost Lacus. Either that, or Meer
Campbell's up to her old tricks again.
Ever since I was small, I've dreamed of a girl. This
dream-figment called herself 'Lacus' (and, no, I have
no idea where my imagination picked up the name),
Do I detect sarcasm there, or is he really that clueless?
But, since the end of August, I've not seen her once.
I woke up one morning feeling better than I have in
Suggest: I woke up one morning, feeling (adds a natural pause to the prose)
When I got home to Freedom, the house was surprisingly
clean and neat. Then I remembered I'd arranged to let
it while I was on my business trip,
Suggest: I'd arranged to lease it while
Or: I'd arranged to open it for rent while
about the place - rosemary and soap - that was
achingly familiar, and that I'd missed desperately.
Rather strange that his ghost form can remember smells... I was running under
the assumption that ghosts lacked touch and smell.
It
had been seven weeks since I'd last smelt it, in a
dream where a crying girl ripped a white poppy up,
bruising her hands with the force of her pulling, and
screamed, "Go where you belong....!!"
Suggest: belong...!!"
Also: belong...!"
She opened the door (with the guardchain on) and I
Suggest: guard-chain
knew it. It was her. My dream Lacus was standing in
front of me. Her eyes widened, and her right hand came
up to her face.
Awww.
The speech I'd memorized flew entirely out of my head.
"Hi," I said. (Kira the brainiac.) "I'm Kira � Kira
Yamato. May I come in?"
Awwwww.
2) The size of Japanese homes is described in terms of
�mats� � specifically, tatami (a type of reed) mats,
which traditionally were used as floor coverings. For
example, a six-mat room is a room that would require
six mats to cover the floor completely. Tatami mats
were/are normally woven to be about a metre long and
just under half a metre wide. Six- to eight-mat rooms
are standard for a single�s apartment in Tokyo;
twelve- to sixteen-mat rooms are found in houses in
more rural areas.
Wow. Talk about your background research.
4) Also for those who care: Past!Kira and Past!Lacus
died of tuberculosis, which was very common in the
early Meiji.
The artist Masakichi and the Shinsengumi Souji: (nods sadly)
5) I like the language of flowers and I used it very
extensively in this story. Every time a flower was
mentioned by name, its meaning had relevance to the
story.
Here is a glossary of the flowers used and their
meanings:
Azalea - Temperance
Brambles - Lowness, Envy, Remorse
Daisy - Innocence
Dianthus - Make haste!
Fleur-de-lys - Flame, I burn
Flowering almond - Hope
Mignonette - Your qualities surpass your charms
Queen's rocket - You are the queen of flirts, Fashion
White hyacinth - Unobtrusive beauty
White poppy - Sleep, My bane
Yellow acacia - Secret love
Wow. Handy. But since the chrysanthemums, the rosemary, and the almond blossoms
aren't present in the list, then I suppose it only means that they were merely
for show and had no special impact or symbolism in the story.
Not to mince any words, but my main concern with these practical but IMO
jarring footnotes is that they're, well, extraneous. My two cents on that is,
we-ll... doesn't explaining the meaning of the symbols present in your story
defeat the purpose of putting all those symbols in the first place? I'm not
against trivia (hell, I've been trying out the 'lengthy footnotes' style
myself), but wouldn't it be better for the reader to be able to glean for
himself the trivia instead of you simply explaining stuff to him? But then
there's your Catch-22. If you don't explain it, the various meanings of the
flowers will most probably go over the reader's head. The lack of footnotes
will leave your story mostly ambiguous to boot.
In other words, just a roundabout way of saying that though handy, there are
cons as well as pros in using such lengthy footnotes... and I really don't have
much of a suggestion in improving the status quo anyway. ^_^;
raye_j@yahoo.com
livejournal: http://windtear.livejournal.com
http://www.thejohnsens.com/index.html
"It 'went away'? 'I dwell in darkness without you'
and it WENT AWAY?"
-- Sorcha, 'Willow'
Hmmm. Y'know, aside from my misunderstandings between colonialisms,
Commonwealth grammar rules and whatnot, I do believe that you're one of the few
authors I've C&Ced that makes such a low-count of errors in your prose. Kudos.
The only real grammar suggestion I have that isn't a nitpick is to balance out
your punctuation marks and to keep it easy with the dashes. It's not wrong to
use a lot of dashes, but for the sake of adding variety and to peppering up
your prose, you should consider using punctuation marks _other_ than dashes.
Grammar Rule #39: The dash � a sometimes useful punctuation mark � can often be
overused � even though it�s a helpful tool some of the time.
The (first person) narrative found in this fic (wow... I've C&Ced two fics in a
row that features the nowadays rarely-used first person narrative... Perhaps
the trend is reemerging?) is wonderfully contemporary in its prose's
simplicity, and obviously not overbearingly explanatory (though this type of
easy, conversational, informal-without-looking-retarded prose probably stems
from the fact that this is mostly a fic composed of letters of correspondence,
diary entries... first person POV stuff).
As I've mentioned, this fic mostly reads (to me) like a web-log/email
correspondence (or, hell, private entries in livejournal), so there's much more
inference and putting-the-puzzle-pieces together than your average
spoon-feed-the-hungry-reader fic. It's not exactly a Quentin Tarantino-type of
story (since the story, as opposed to your views of time, is very much linear),
but paying a bit closer attention to the 'personal correspondences' and
messages than you would normally do with your basic prose story is apparently a
key element in appreciating this fic.
With that said, I would just like to address David Johnston's earlier C&C at
this point of my C&C. I realize that, yes, he does have a point when he says
that there should be less summarizing and more details on the interaction
between Kira, Lacus, and Kira's ghost self. The fic does have a tendency of
being a bit too ambiguous (incidentally, David, this fic being WAFF-y or not
has nothing to do with this so-called tendency). OTOH, I personally like the
writing style. For once, instead of spoon-feeding the readers, let the readers
think for themselves and figure out what the heck is going on. Don't be so
passive, readers; then again, I'm a big fan of nearly-mystifying
stream-of-consciousness novels by authors like James Joyce (where you need a
bit of analyzing to decipher and appreciate the story fully), so your mileage
may vary.
For my money though, being able to write a fic that isn't hampered by the
conventions of a typical ham-fisted and journalizing 'epistolary novel or
story' such that it very much looks like a normal journal/correspondence made
by a 'modern woman' is a _good thing_. It reads more naturally ('cept for that
one paragraph that read a bit too 'fangirl flowery' for my tastes), more people
could relate to it, though I'm not the best person to ask whether or not the
story needs work on the 'involving the audience by not making them read in
between the lines but by spoon-feeding them healthy helpings of the plot and
the themes' department.
On regards to this fic supposedly having a lack of conflict, I guess there are
some people who just don't realize that the underlying romances (which they
pejoratively label as 'WAFF') of a story _is_ the central conflict of a story.
I have seen the same criticism (lack of conflict) directed on similar works
like 'Genma's Daughter'. I have the same answer... the events and the
difficulties Ranko faced as she came to terms with her femininity _is_ the
conflict. It's the same thing here; the underlying and slowly-developing
chick-flick-like romance between Lacus and the two versions of Kira _is_ the
conflict of this story.
Besides, I daresay that breaking conventions and introducing the epistolary
story format to the Information Technology Age is the very essence of Gundam
Seed (which adapted the fossil-old Original Gundam premise in a new direction,
as a possible "What if?" situation where established story and archetypes are
further explored).
Ah, but I'm smarmily (Wow! It's an actual word!) overanalyzing things yet
again. ^_^ Bottom line? It's a nice fic. Not an 'OMGRITEMORE!' masterpiece, but
not a craptacular 'OMGDISSUXXORZLOLZ!!1!' spamfic either. Sure, the romantic
undertones can be saccharine sweet and cloying at times, but there's no denying
that it's a well-written, well-researched short piece. There certainly aren't
that many fics of its kind found in this particular mailing list (any more), so
its presence is a welcome change to the dreary rut. Fangirlishness
schmangirlishness, it's the quality and effort put in the stories that count.
Cheers, and do keep on writing... And, hopefully, posting. ;)
Paalam!
Abdiel
--------------------
I wasn't overwhelmed, I wasn't underwhelmed; so let's just call it a day and
say I was whelmed.
Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'