"Oh my god, Mako-chan!" Himeko squeeeeed with excitement as 

happy young 

women were wont to do and greeted Makoto with a heartfelt hug 

which 

was returned with an equal heartiness. " Congratulations!!" They 
separated and Himeko promptly lifted the other woman's left hand 

up 

to admire the ring with just the right hint of jealousy in her 

voice 

as was demanded by politeness. "Have you and Souma-kun set a 

date yet?"

Souma and Mako?  <raises eyebrows>  Leftovers, anyone?

I suppose it doesn't detract too much from the story in this case,
because it's reasonably well developed, given the time you spent 
on it,
and it isn't the major thrust (errr...) of the story anyway.

Eheh. ^_^;; I'm not sure why, but I always saw Souma and Mako as a believable couple, if only because they had similar personalities - atheletic people with a sense of justice who look out for others, and because they shared similar taste (interest in Himeko). 
 

"Aho! Is that why you turned him down in tenth grade? Be careful 
Himeko!" Makoto continued her wide grin tease. "Little boys 

don't 

Comma after 'careful'.

Yes, thank you!

"Except for all that time you spent inviting the both of us to 

outings 

and then casually disappearing?" Makoto winked.

Notwithstanding your comments in the author's notes about
characterisation, I just don't buy this.  Himeko just doesn't seem to
have a grain of deviousness in her -- not even minor or well-
intentioned deviousness like this.

Aah - that is a problem with my communication here. I didn't mean for Himeko to be devious at all. My intention was that since Makoto and Souma were both good friends with Himeko, she would naturally invite them on outtings together, and since both of them know Himeko's interest isn't in either of them, this would remove her from the picture and they would eventually hook up. Will attempt to fix this.  
 

The other woman was tall, with exotic dark skin, and yellow eyes 

that 

seemed to glow as she took in the beauty of the room 

appreciatively 

over the edge of her fine rimmed glasses. She wore a dark, 

conservative 

business suit that did nothing to hide her impressive bust. Her 

skirt, 

though conservative in cut, was scandalously short. Chikane 

wondered 

You use 'conservative' twice here in close succession.  It would be
better if you replaced one of them with a different adjective.

Yes - will do!
 

No, she couldn't tell this woman. She couldn't tell anyone. No 

one 

could ever know the depths of her depravity. 

The silence was broken by the sound of the brief case opening 

again. 

briefcase  (I suppose it's not technically wrong to split it into two
words, but it's not usual, and thus somewhat jarring.)

Will fix!
 

<i>
The heat from the fire doesn't stop Himeko from trembling, as 

Chikane 

pulls her shirt over her head, and lays her down on the rug, 

cradling 

her head onto a cushion tenderly. Cold? Fear? Excitement? 

Chikane 

<raises eyebrows>  A present-tense flashback in a past-tense fic?  
Odd,to say the least.  Is there some reason why you did this?

The reason why I chose to go to the present tense for the love scenes is because I thought it would make them more intensive for the reader. Love scenes done in the past tense just don't *work* for me.

I've gotten a couple complaints about this, so I'll probably change the entire fic to the present tense rather than the past tense for these scenes in order to fix this jarringness. Thanks!

imagines that the trembling must be from a combination of the 

three, 

rather like what was spreading through her own body. Himeko 

looks up at 

Chikane, propped up on an elbow and lying beside her. Her eyes 

shine by 

the light of the flames.

Himeko's chest rises and falls with a slow, steady rhythm, 

fascinating 

to Chikane's eyes. She puts her hand gently over top of Himeko 

left 

Himeko's

_< Thank you.

breast to take part in the rise and fall of her breath, and 

could feel 

Tense mismatch and/or faulty parallelism.  Might be better to say, 
'andto feel...'

Again, thank you!
 

her heart beating strongly and quickly. Himeko closes her eyes 

and 

smiles contently. 

Chikane slides her hand down to the valley of Himeko's bosom, 

letting 

the back of her fingers run down the delightfully smooth skin 

and 

releases the front clasp of the pink bra. Himeko's chest rises 

suddenly 

as she takes a sharp intake of breath. Chikane smiles at the 

reaction. 

Tremors of anticipation race through her body too. She lifts the 

clasp 

with the side of her hand and slides her palm under one cup to 

gently 

take the breast underneath in a caressing hold. She rubs the 

harden 

Hard, hardened, or hardening will all work there, depending on what
you're trying to say, but harden won't.

Hmm... innie, minnie, mainie, mo. Will chose one!
 

With almost a reluctance, Chikane leaves Himeko's mouth to send 

a 

Meandering path of soft kisses down her throat, suckling and 
nibbling, and running her tongue along Himeko's collar bone. She 
feels Himeko's fingers dig not un-pleasurably into her hair, 

even as 

the blonde girl lifts her head high, arching her back, giving 

Chikane 

more flesh to claim. She eagerly does.

Chikane shifts her body weight off of her elbow, and straddles 

Himeko. 

Her long skirt is made of a very thin micro-fibre, and she has 

put one 

Inconsistent verb tense.  'puts' instead of 'has put'.  Also, the part
after the comma should follow logically from the part before it.  In
this case, the connection is rather tenuous.

Hmm... alright - will attempt to fix this.
 

Next, Chikane's hands take temporary leave of Himeko's breasts 

to weave 

burning trails down the length of her body, circle around her 

belly 

button, and rests teasingly at the top of her skirt. She 

continues to 

rest

Thank you. ^_^;;; As you can probably tell by now, there was no beta work on this fic... -_-;;
 

lower her kisses from Himeko's neck, dragging her tongue against 

the 

smooth skin in one long, delicious lick that ends with just the 

barest 

of tantalization at a nipple so hardened with desire it must 

have ached. 

This sentence is rather awkward.  You might want to try splitting 
it up.

Will do!
 

Himeko cannot help but give a soft cry of pleasure that is 

abruptly 

heightened into a gasp as Chikane's tongue returns to the 
cruelly teased nipple, and spirals around it languidly before 
she brings her lips down and gives her a maddeningly gentle 

suckle. All 

the while, Chikane continues to rub her thumb just so against 

Himeko's 

other heightened sensitive teat.

To be grammatically correct, you'd have to say 'heightenedly', but
that's starting to become a bit awkward.  You might want to reword 
this.
Also, 'teat' is more commonly used to refer to an animal's nipple, 
it'suse here certainly raised my eyebrows...

Hmm... perhaps it's time to consult the thesaurus...
 

One hand continues to do languid circles, tracing tantalizing 

circles 

into Himeko's belly, before it dips downward and slips 

underneath 

Himeko's skirt...

Himeko's entire body stiffens suddenly. 

</i>

And then she screamed. A scream of surprise. Of horror. And 

shoved 

Chikane away with enough force to send her sprawling in the rug.

And she shoved...

(Otherwise this sentence no verb.)

Yay for sentence fragments. >_< 
 

"The entire time this is happening, there is one thought going 

through 

my mind. I have to do this. This is the only way. This is the 

only way. 

This is the only way."

Several minutes of pregnant silences passed, before Chikane 

could 

school herself enough to open her eyes. She looked directly into 

'Calm', 'compose', or 'collect' would all make sense here, but 
'school'doesn't.

Oh... I've been using that verb incorrectly for a very long time then...
 

It was as though the Himeko from her dreams was standing in 

front of 

her now, mouth slightly agape, hand slightly reached out, 

whispering, 

hoarsely, that simple question:

why?

Why?  (capitalization)

Do'h.

Her heart was beating in her ears, as it had been since the 

other two 

women had entered the room what seemed like a lifetime ago. 

"Don't go," Himeko could barely find her whisper in her hoarse 

throat. 

"Please, Chikane-chan. Don't leave me." 

You might want to combine these two paragraphs.

Hmm... I think I like them as seperate paragraphs, eh?
 

...and Chikane, teetering on that brink, closes her eyes... and 

lets 

herself fall head long down the other side. 

headlong  (In this case, I'm not sure the words used separately 
have any
meaning.)

Right...
 

With a hunger pent up for many more lifetimes than Chikane could 

ever 

realize, a guttural noise escapes her throat and she kisses her 

woman, 

This is a bit questionable.  It makes it seem as if it's the noise 
thathas the pent-up hunger, not Chikane.

Oops. ^_^;; Will clarify...
 

parting her lips with her tongue and exploring her with a mad 

urgency. 

Her hands roam freely down and across Himeko's back, raising up 

to hold 

her head more firmly into the kiss, or sliding down to cup her 

round 

bottom. They reach for the bottom of her shirt and slide 

underneath, 

exploring the smooth curve of her back, and dancing intricate 

patterns 

on the soft, warm skin. 

Himeko responses with equal intensity, crushing her mouth 

against 

responds

Thank you!
 

It takes a maddeningly long time, but finally, the last button 

gives in 

and Himeko pulls the shirt back over Chikane's smooth, pale 

shoulders. 

This forces Chikane's own hands cruelly away from their task of 
exploring Himeko's flesh and Chikane finds her arms are tied up 
momentarily behind her back as she struggles out of her sleeves. 

This 

allows Himeko a brief moment of respite to pull herself out of 

the 

world of intoxicating sensation, as Chikane tries to flee 

herself. 

free

CHIKANE: No, I'm actually trying to run away now...
 

fingers underneath. Tremors start to dance up and down Himeko's 

skin, 

and Chikane continues to watch Himeko's face, finding the 

longing and 

anticipation knitted into her brow absolutely fascinating. 

Himeko's breathing grows more and more labour as Chikane 

continues to 

laboured

I really appreciate these grammatical corrections, Sean. I re-read this thing over several times, but after a while, it all just starts to glaze together...
 

stroke her. She wonders at how soft Himeko is, how invitingly 

warm and 

moist she is. 

The sheets spill out between Himeko's fingers as she squeezes 

her hands 

into fists. 

"... don't...!" Himeko's plea comes out as a soft gasp.

That word is not what Chikane expects to hear. She freezes, eyes 

wide 

with sudden alarm. Her mind goes blank. The world stops mid 

heart beat. 

mid-heartbeat

Thanks!

**********************************************************************> 

AUTHOR'S NOTES & OMAKE

Comments and Criticism would be most greatly appreciated! 

Specifically, I'd like to know if the lemony bits worked. This 

is my 

first attempt at lemony material and I don't feel entire 

comfortable 

with it. I didn't really want to include it, but, given the 

subject 

matter, it almost seemed inappropriate NOT to include more 

descriptive 

love scenes. 

I must say that I'm curious as to why they're in present tense rather
than past tense, like the rest of the fic.  I can think of one rather
strong stylistic justification for it, but I'd like to hear your
reasoning for it.  Just be careful with it -- it's a lot easier to 
maketense agreement errors when writing in present tense, I find.  
Indeed,the two lemon scenes were where most of your errors were.  
But perhaps
that was due to distraction.  :P

Just a *bit* of distraction. ^_^;; I haven't really done lemons before and was pretty nervous about it all. As noted above, I think I will just change the entire fic to present tense...
 

Out of curiosity, is English your first language?

Hmm... technically, no it's not, but it's definitely my strongest language... >_<
 

Also, I thought that the timing of the second lemon scene was just 
a bit
jarring -- it came a bit too suddenly for my tastes.  I think 
perhaps a
huggling-snuggling scene first would be better.

Hmm... I was really trying to convey the rush and need that they were both feeling, which is why I kinda rushed into things, but since this thing needs to be overhauled anyway, I'll attempt to incorporate.

I'd also appreciate comments on characterization. I know that 

the 

characters all seem a bit different than canon, but please do 

keep in 

mind that the characters are a good 5-6 years older, and the 

universe 

*was* reset. I'd like to think that this time around, everyone 

is 

starting off just a bit more mature and grown-up from the 

experiences 

of their previously over-written lives. 

I have no problems with that.  It all seemed most natural.  
However, as
I mentioned, I just can't imagine Himeko surreptitiously trying to set
up Mako and Souma, or anyone and anyone, for that matter.

Woohoo! 'Natural' is exactly what I was going for. And as for Himeko setting up Mako and Souma - I will attempt to rectify that.

Thanks for such in depth commentary! I really appreciate it, and it was much more than I could have hoped for!

Cheers,

Jen-chan



             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'