Disclaimer: I'm a nitpicker, but I'm still human. I'm the Human
Nitpicker! I make mistakes and provide useless suggestions. I also make
way too many comments. If I'm wrong, feel free to ignore me (the smart
people do anyway).
--- Bastion <bastion@ix.netcom.com> wrote:
Ya know I was worried I was gone for so long that people would think I
was dead.
Dang! Now I have to dig up that grave...
I didn't expect to come back seeing everyone give their eulogy of the
FFML!
Well, we were bored!
Welp, I'm not one to give up on such a fine institution that has helped
and
entertained me for all these years. I realize I may not get any
comments
on this story, mostly due to my long absence because of life's little
interuptions
(employment, technical societies, and marriage to name a few) but I'll
keep
on posting away. I know there are a few out there who still remember
me.
I don't, but anyway...
Anyway, if you find this story intriquing, feel free to visit my most
updated
archive of the previous chapters:
http://www.fanfiction.net/~bastion05
Though I must warn you original characters are ahead. So please don't
stop and stare for too long.
Though I'm no Davies, Sommer, or Lawson (hell even throw Loader in
there),
it doesn't mean I can't envy them for their superior talent. Damn, how
do
you guys make this stuff look so easy?
I'll offer two words of advice here: 'devil' and 'deal.' I'll leave the
rest to you to figure out. ;)
On with the show... oh yeah, C&C is more than welcomed... ;P
Alright. ONWARD!
----------------------------
Terrible Things to Waste
Part 5: Conformity to Reality
----------------------------
A quick note here: While this is chapter five, the opening scene is solid
introductory material, which is what made this easy to read. It didn't
jump into the middle of a complicate mess and leave me confused in the
first two paragraphs. So, good job there.
Malance's lithe fingers danced over his suit's
circuitry. Flicking aside some of the loose strands of his
long dark brown hair, he sautered the last few wires
I think the word you're looking for is 'soldered.'
together.
"This will do." He mumbled.
Admiring the blue metal pieces spread over the
Just my $.02, but 'pieces of armor' could go in there. 'Blue metal
pieces' doesn't do much for me, even though I know what it's refering to.
warehouse floor, Malance glared at the suit's various dents
and tarnished areas lit aflame by the red neon light
'lit aflame' sounds weird in this use. Perhaps a different phrase?
Surveying his handiwork, Malance's eyes paused upon his
reflective visor. His staunch, hallow-cheeked face stared back
'staunch' doesn't seem to work well here. Consider removing it.
He remembered when the first days of his training under
the General back when he and the orphans of the Great War
had been placed in the Timelord Program. In those days, he
had been smallest out of the group and found himself a
target of his larger peers.
Again, this is good introductory material, easy to follow, and
non-frightening. The pace is also good if you just read chapter 4 five
minutes ago.
`Especially those spoiled children.'
Malance's memories stirred with the taunts and abuse he
had endured from those spoiled children, children of the
influential people of the Community, who were being groomed
to become his future superior commanders.
two things:
from -> at the hands of (sounds better)
Using 'those' doesn't refer to anything. It's fine for a person's
dialogue, even internal dialogue, because the reader thinks 'who is he
talking about?' and gets curious. When it comes along in the narrative,
the reader thinks 'I have no idea which spoiled children he's talking
about' and it is a little confusing. It's difficult to handle. Perhaps
just cut 'those spoiled children' and leave the rest of the sentence
intact. Thus, the character refers to them, and in the very next
paragraph, poof! Said spoiled brats are precisely identified so the
following paragraph can build off this line of thought.
Everything changed, though, when the General began
their training. A herald hero of the Great War, General
Halebit cared not for an individual's status or pedigree, he
cared only for those who showed strength and power.
'Herald hero' doesn't work for me.
Herald (n) def. 1 a : an official at a tournament of arms with duties
including the making of announcements and the marshaling of combatants b
: an officer with the status of ambassador acting as official messenger
between leaders especially in war c (1) : OFFICER OF ARMS (2) : an
officer of arms ranking above a pursuivant and below a king of arms
2 : an official crier or messenger 3 a : one that precedes or foreshadows
b : one that conveys news or proclaims : ANNOUNCER <it was the lark, the
herald of the morn -- Shakespeare> c : one who actively promotes or
advocates : EXPONENT
synonym see FORERUNNER
(from http://www.m-w.com/dictionary/herald)
So... I don't know. I get the sense your trying to say 'famous hero'
without actually using those words. Maybe 'esteemed war hero' or
something along those lines (try a synonym for 'fame').
"Giving up is not an option," the General told them on
the first day, "because if you give up, you have shown me
you are weak and the weak will be shown no tolerance or
mercy."
Ooh... I like this guy.
Not many of the spoiled children lasted much past the
first few hours of the General's grueling personal program.
suggest: personal training program.
Malance though had been a select few who survived the
challenge proving to be amongst the General's best and
strongest. Malance's skin still tinkled when reliving the
tinkled = euphemism for 'peeing'?
Try 'tickled'
moment the General offered him a position in the Society.
He would be in command of his own peers from the General's
program and lead them to victory over the corrupt Counsule
and those spoiled children supporting it.
I think the spelling is 'Consule' but it's widely thought to be a French
word, so throwing extra vowels at it does no harm.
"I entrust you will not disappoint me, Malance." The
General said to him when he received his armor and embraced
his position as second-in-command.
"You will not be disappointed my General." Malance
murmured slipping his pants off his slim hips. "I will do
anything for you."
In the first sentence of both paragraphs above (the spoken material),
there should be a comma at the end instead of a period. I'll point it out
one more time somewhere and attempt to illustrate why, and then leave
uniform correction to you.
Malance felt the cold air nip at his bare flesh as the
metal pieces came alive. The wires slowly stretched and
slithered over to him. Carefully, almost lovingly, the armor
fitted itself on his slender form. As the final piece locked into
place, Malance began marching, his steps echoing
heavily, clanking in the expansive open warehouse. Suddenly,
Malance burst into a full stride.
`Forgive me my General, I mustn't keep you waiting any
longer.' Malance's pulse quickened in anticipation.
`Tonight I will prove to you how loyal I am and how useless
that blonde harlot is. Tonight you'll see where our
allegiances truly lie.'
------------------------------------------------------------
"Don't know who she is, huh?!"
Greg had been expecting this. He had spent most of the
night watching the Timelord pacing up and down the concrete
shoreline grumbling to himself until the sun began to peek
over the horizon and the grey of morning had taken hold.
All the while, his eyelids had progressively grown heavier
and heavier.
`Does he always hold these things in for this long?'
The boy wondered. `It's like he's riding a pendulum. One
moment he's sulking and the next he's screaming.'
Tracer stomped around underneath the bridge continuing
his rant.
"You have a lot of nerve boy by lying to my face!"
Tracer lurched at Greg. "Bold faced lied to me just like
the old man and Cin-"
Suddenly, sharp fingertips flew at the boy's face.
Within a blink of an eye, Greg found himself looking down
the smooth metal tips hover just inches from his face.
hovering
Tracer remained still. Slowly, his body relaxed and his
scowl faded. For a moment of two, Greg just stared at
Tracer staring back at him.
"Um, look Tracer I'm sor-" Greg began.
The Timelord back away.
backed
"Go. Just go."
"Huh? What for? Aren't you afraid I'm going to-"
"GO! Damn it!"
"Okay." Greg gingerly rose to his feet.
After making it half way up the concrete embankment,
Greg glanced back. Tracer still had his back to him
regarding the still water.
`He's actually letting me go. I don't get it, why is
he letting me go?'
Suddenly, Tracer took off, disappearing into the
shadows underneath the bridge. Concerned, Greg slid back
down the embankment.
`He isn't crazy enough to keep following her is he?'
He thought. `The Sailor Scouts aren't going to show him any
mercy when runs into them again. I have to explain this to
the girls.'
heh. I'm looooooost now! Oh well. It's interesting.
Then Greg's memory stirred of the confrontation between
'sitrred' doesn't sound like something I want my memory doing. Perhaps
'replayed?'
Tracer and Sailor Pluto the night before and the look in
Comma after 'the night before'
Pluto's dark eyes lacked their typical coolness. Her eyes
burned for his destruction, not at all cold and meticulous
in fights he had witnessed.
'cold and meticulous like in the fights he had witnessed.' (reads better)
`So who's going to be listen to me? A stubborn, hot-
tempered, and trigger-happy hooligan or the most unyielding,
cold, and knowledgeable woman I ever knew.' Greg shook his
'met' instead of 'knew,' since 'knowledgeable' is right there.
And man, what a mouthful!
head. `Ugh! I wish I had my prophetic visions back and
then I'd be able to convince Pluto that Tracer is not our
enemy. I mean how else am I going to convince a woman who
can see the past, present, and future? Argh, I've as blind
as a bat since Tracer got here there's no use in trying to
argue with her!'
"Wait a minute. It all makes sense now!"
Said the giant raddish standing at Greg's elbow.
Greg bolted after the Timelord throwing his legs out in
long strides, barely keeping the fluttering black flaps of
the Timelord's trenchcoat in the distance.
`I can't let you confront them, Tracer. If I'm right,
you won't stand a chance.'
Audience: Hey! Scene break!
"So I'm walking into the arcade the other day, right."
Audience: Right!
Serena leaned in. "Yeah."
Audience: <eyes her cleavage>
"And there was this really cute guy playing that
Formula 1 racing game." Mina continued.
"Did you make sure it wasn't Erica?" Lita asked,
snickering to herself.
Cindy could hear Erica snort across the bedroom.
... Either I _really_ missed something in the dub, or (all together now),
I'm totally lost.
Mina crossed her arms. "Lookit, me and Serena make a
mistake a few years ago and you won't even let it go."
"Hey, when did I get involved in this?"
"Heh, true, there was the infamous sugar cookie
incident last week." Lita smirked.
"Cookie incident?" Michelle arced an eyebrow.
"Ah, nevermind." Aggravated, Mina went silent.
Fascinated, Cindy watched on. `These aren't the women
I read about in my history texts. They sounded so much more
reverent and pious. But these people are just-`
Teenage girls. I _know_.
"Ah come on Mina, it was just getting juicy." Serena
pouted.
Cindy tilted her head. `Just girls. No different than
me when I was a girl. Back when my parents were alive.'
The blonde Traveller watched the bare bony tree
Cut 'bare,' it's redundant.
branches swaying outside the window. `I wonder how my life
could have been different if I hadn't run into those
Timelords. Maybe I'd have a mate and maybe some children.'
Cut the second 'maybe,' redundant.
Cindy returned her gaze to Serena, Mina, and Lita
kneeling around the table continuing their friendly chatter.
`Maybe I would have been happy.'
Audience: Aw...
Cindy observed Raye take her cup, sit in her place at
the table, and begin chatting with the other girls. Deep in
thought, Cindy regarded the tea leaves swirling around the
bottom of her steaming cup.
"What?" She suddenly shrieked, dropping the cup and hearing it shatter
against the hardwood floor. "The Osaka Tigers are going to win this
year?! Sorry everyone, I have bets to make!" The others just stared as
Cindy fled the room.
`Serena's been awfully polite to Raye since last week.
I had no idea I could have cause them this much turmoil. I
just want to get rid of that old man and get out of here
before I do some irreparable damage. I hope they can
... I did not know you could do some irreparable damage. It's possible,
though. Maybe some people actually talk like that. Like, 'a little bit of
genocide.'
"Have you seen Amy, Susan?" Raye knitted her eyebrows.
"Yes." The tall woman calmly informed. "She was
taking off her shoes by the door last I saw her."
Heh. You gotta love literalists.
"Geez, the thing looked like it came right out of a sci-
fi comic book!" Raye slammed her hand on the table,
rattling the black and white cats. "What more evidence
could you ask for?"
Perhaps a little research, some physical evidence... lack of discussions
involving comic book villains...
Mina shrugged. "We've seen stranger things."
"True." The white cat added.
Cindy leaned in. "Was it blue?"
Was it you?
... Sorry. I'll stop rhyming now.
Mina, Raye, and Serena blinked. "Yes."
The blonde Traveller nodded her head. "I see. Who you
encountered is Malance. His suit has some of the most
advanced weaponry the dimensions have to offer. He is
'the dimensions' doesn't sound right because the read has no idea what
dimensions she's refering to. I don't know how to re-word this so it
makes sense, since I've no real knowledge of Timelords.
And what's with the 'Traveller' title? That from a comic book too?
Halebit's second in command and as I'm sure you three girls
comma -> ^
can attest to, he is a force to be reckoned with."
Lita smirked and punched her fist into her hand. "Then
I suppose we show em' the Sailor Scouts are a force to be
reckoned with too."
Mina threw her hands behind her head. "Ehh, we've
fought tougher so I'm not too concerned."
"Mina!" Amy's eyes shot open. "Never underestimate
the enemy."
Heh. Amy as Sun Tzu...
"I hate to admit it, but I kind of agree with Mina."
Raye sighed. "Though this Malance thing isn't exactly a
cakewalk, he's not any more of a threat than a mindless
demon."
I'd like to know her basis for making this assumption. It's obvious she's
not as familiar with this enemy as she should be. The other thing that
bugs is me, why are the scouts so gung-ho for destroying Malance? They
usually aren't so... aggressive.
Cindy fidgeted, glancing from girl to girl all nodding
in agreement.
"I assure you." Cindy cut in. "The Timelords are not
to be taken lightly; you must keep vigil and strike hard
when the time is right."
suggest: 'be vigilant'
'keep vigil' doesn't sound quite right in this sentence.
Luna turned to the sandy haired woman. "Erica, you
chase them a good ways. Did you see anything when you were
chased
chasing them?"
second use of the verb 'chase.' Suggest using another word. 'after'
'following'
Erica shrugged. "Can't say much. I was too
concentrated on driving to get a good look at them."
"He did do something strange after causing that pile up
in the intersection though." Michelle recounted. "He
turned the bike around and looked over at us."
'over' is unnecessary in this use.
Cindy looked down, remembering the Timelord glaring at
her over the top of all the twisted wreck of cars and trucks
remove 'all'
Serena crinkled her nose. "No I'm sorry, but I'm going
to need my privacy. Besides, I think both me and Darien can
handle whatever the Timelords can dish out if we run into
them again."
Heh. But she makes a point.
"I can pass by and check on you when I make my sweep of
the city." Amy offered.
Here we go! It's comma time!
... No? Okay, I won't sing.
Basically, the reason one uses a comma near the closing quotation marks
is that "Amy offered" or "Serena said" are not sentences in and of
themselves. By putting a comma in the dialogue, "Amy offered" becomes
part of the narrative structure, even though the rest of the sentence is
a character's dialogue. I wish I could explain it better, but there it
is. BTW, in dialogue where someone says something and the following
narrative sentence is a separate sentence in and of itself, no comma is
used at the end of the spoken dialogue. Just a normal period. Ergo:
"No." Susan's voice silenced the room. "No one will
'Susan's voice silenced the room' is a complete sentence, separate from
her dialogue "No."
Period instead of a comma. Okay, lecture over.
be going out tonight. I don't think it would be wise to be
separated like that. I am not that confident as the rest of
you about these Timelords. I think we're going to need
everyone if the Timelords decide to attack Serena tonight."
Yay! Serena can be Timelord bait AND jailbait!
Cindy watched as Susan shifted until she had the
Traveller squarely in her critical gaze. "So it would be
best that all of us stay here until she returns."
Mina pursed her lips. "Don't you think that's a bit of
an overkill?"
'of an' can be removed so that it's 'a bit overkill?'
Cindy watched the other girls consider Susan's plan,
but could see Amy staring at Susan, Michelle, and Erica.
For the first time, Cindy noticed the dark circles under the
Amy's eyes and the rather dazed expression on her face.
`Poor girl. She must have been missing sleep over
Greg's disappearance.' Cindy regarded her mug of tea. `But
Or she's experimenting with the goth look. Mmm... goth Sailor Mercury...
I wonder how that Timelord ended up kidnapping Greg? Did he
know I would be around Serena? How did he survive the
explosion? Why couldn't he have died and stay dead? Why
did he have to complicate things? Why did he have to spare
my life?'
"It's settled then." Luna's announcement shook Cindy
from her thoughts. "We'll hold off on the patrols tonight
and stay on alert in case there are any attacks on Serena
tonight."
Last 'tonight' is redundant.
"Do I have a curfew or do you want me to call if I'm
going to be late?"
Audience: SCENE BREAK!
"I'm coming, Halebit. There's nothing you can do to
stop me now."
Halebit remained still, concentrating on the darkness
that cut through the soft waning sunlight that painted the
walls a mixture of orange, red, and white.
Huh? It isn't clear exactly what you're describing.
Halebit smiled. "Right. No matter what her plans I
comma ^
Malance paused. "In my last attack, I had to confront
Serenity a few of her soldiers."
add 'and': 'Serenity and a few of her soldiers.'
"They saw you?"
Malance: Yeah. With their eyes, as it turns out.
Halebit: Incredible!
"And bring me back the Silver Crystal."
"Any particular way, General?" Malance inquired.
Halebit: Fed Ex.
'So send him to his death.'
From his reflection, Halebit could see the dark red
light deepen the cracks on his hard face. "By force."
Hm. So... I don't know what the all the plotting is about, but it's easy
to see where it's going. Nihil I haven't seen before, but it sounds like
a voice in Halebit's head. Nice and mysterious. The ending is especially
good here.
------------------------------------------------------------
Audience: Low bridge!
Serena stared in awe. Her eyes followed the large red
velvet drapes billowing from the center of the vaulted
ceiling to each wall of the large restaurant. Each drape
flowed smoothly down the walls like a waterfall of red wine
all the way to the floor. Large windows dominated the small
between each drape, displaying the night sky alive with blue
flashes of an approaching storm. It looked so -
'Large windows dominated the small between each drape?'
Small space? Small gap? Small...anything?
"-beautiful in that white dress, Serena." Darien's
voice roused Serena.
Smooth. ;)
"Uh, thanks Darien." Serena blushed, averting her
gaze. "I had no idea you were going to take me to a fancy
place like this. It must have cost you an arm and a leg to
get a table here."
"Now Serena." Darien winked. "When it comes to you,
money is never an issue. Think of it as my way of making up
for being in Osaka while all of this was going on."
He's gettin' laid tonight.
Once more, Serena found herself distracted by the
flashes of lightning outside which had grown in frequency
and intensity. Thunderstorms always made her nervous.
"Listen, uh, there's something I need to talk to you
about. It's something that's been bothering me."
"What is it?"
Serena: It's this itchy, burning sensation between my toes...
<cue catchy commercial jingle...>
"It's just that, ya know with everything that's
happened the last few days. It scares me."
"What do you mean?"
"They're all depending on me now. Raye, Lita, Amy, all
of them. Even Susan is now looking to me to make decisions.
They're treating me like I'm already Queen Serenity and it
terrifies me. I mean, what if I screw up and one of them
gets hurt or worse? I don't know anything, all I know is
how to make pancakes and take naps. I still don't know the
first thing about being the queen they expect me to be."
comma after 'hurt'
This is a pretty good speech for Serena to give. I like it. :)
"Oh Darien." Serena sighed. "You really do know how
to say the right thing at the right time."
"Too cliche?"
"Somewhat."
Heh.
Darien smiled. "Cliche or not, it's the truth.
Whether you feel ready to be Queen Serenity or not, your
time has come and you need to embrace it. You can't deny
that you've change over the last few years. You've come a
changed
long way from when I first met you."
"And how have I changed?" Serena leaned in as a smiled
teased at the corners of her mouth.
<insert several ecchi remarks here>
"Let's see. When I first met you, you were very whiny.
Very immature."
"I. see."
"If I remember correctly you cried over the simplest
things. You were always late and you were an incredibly
lazy student-"
Serena grabbed her fiance's hand and squeezed hard.
"Okay! I get the picture now, Darien dear."
LOL
"Err. Oooo, hey, tonight's special is Kobe Steak!"
"Heh." Serena smiled once more and opened her menu.
As she did so, a bright flash of lightning and a loud
clap of thunder startled Serena nearly throwing her from her
comma ^
seat.
Darien dropped his menu. "Everything okay?"
Serena waited for her heart to stop racing. "Ye-yeah.
I guess lightning still makes me jumpy."
"Heh, I suppose something's never change."
'some things'
------------------------------------------------------------
Audience: Low bridge!
Raye watched the flames happily dance and swirl to the
rhythmic crackling and popping of the wood burning below.
The dancing reminded Raye of very young children frolicking
around a playground, except these children teased and
taunted her.
Making them different from normal children...how?
Raye shifted, her joints in her knees ached and her
head began to pound weighing on her neck. `Geez,
comma ^
meditations should relax you not tire you out.'
comma ^
Raye sighed and bowed to the fire. Gingerly raising
herself to her feet, the girl dusted off the ash that had
collected on her red and white ceremonial robes. Slowly,
Raye made the cool short trek across the courtyard between
suggest: 'short, cool trek'
`Uh, she's still talking to Ken.' Shaking her head,
Raye wearily blopped down on the nearest chair. `What's it
been, an hour? And she's only been on one date with this
guy? Doesn't she have any shame? Geez.'
... No, I'm not going to make an ecchi comment. I should, but... no.
"Tonight?!" Lita sat straight up on the couch. Raye
nearly hurdle her chair.
'Raye nearly hurdle her chair?' Is this a word I've never heard of? I'm
not sure what you're trying to say here.
Her senses rattled and frayed, Raye's eyes bore into
Lita as the tall girl cautiously continued her conversation.
"Umm, I can't go out tonight. I'm at a sleep-over at
Raye's house. I'm sorry, Ken."
Raye could hear the boy on the other side of phone talk
'side of the phone'
('the' is missing)
before Lita sat up again.
"Would it be okay if you came over?" Lita darted her
eyes back to Raye.
Raye's eyes popped wide open and quickly mouthed a
silent `no'.
Lita looked away conspiratorially from Raye's gyrations
as she clung to the phone with both hands. "Uh, well, I
guess you could, for a little while."
Lita batted away Raye's sandal and continued. "Uh-huh.
perhaps: 'Raye's thrown sandal'
Yeah. See you then."
Raye could feel her face burn as she saw Lita's beaming
face upon putting down the receiver.
"What in the heck is wrong with you?!" Raye hissed.
"We've got Cindy and Susan here. And we're on alert with
these Timelords running about with Greg in tow while our
fearless leader is having a night out on the town! Tonight
is not the night to be bringing your boyfriend over here!"
Raye: Unless you're going to share! Jeeze, I'm frustrated!
Unfazed, Lita crossed her arms. "Come on Raye, he's
just a really good friend. It's not like he hasn't met Amy,
Mina, Erica, and Michelle before. It wouldn't be a stretch
to introduce Cindy and Susan as friends. Anyway, I'll make
sure he doesn't stay for too long. Plus don't you know,
boyfriend's make waiting so much more tolerable."
Lose the apostrophe. A generic boyfriend does not own verbs generally and
the verb 'make' specifically.
"I believe the best course of action is to teleport
over there immediately." Susan stated. "I will teleport
you all personally to the roof of the building the Queen is
located."
Susan: From there you can pose more effectively.
"Because I don't have the energy to send us all in one
shot." Susan replied failing to turn in Amy's direction.
comma ^
Raye rolled her eyes and raised her own transformation
pen over her head. "Whatever. Let's just get this over
with."
Audience: SCENE BREAK!
`What should I say to a man who was all but ready to
kill me this morning?' Greg carefully closed the door.
"You've got a lot of balls to come up here you know
that kid." Tracer bellowed.
Tracer's line doesn't parse well. suggest:
"You've got a lot of balls to come up here, kid," Tracer bellowed.
The rumbles above roared and shook the ground. Another
What...on earth...is a rumble?
Greg stood quietly as cold droplets of rain began to
pelt them. Each drop acted as little icy fingers caressing
his face and back. The clouds flashed and rumbled and
continuing its drum roll rhythm. Greg peered skyward,
Confusing sentence here. A 'drum roll rhythm' really sounds of place in
any description of a storm, so that can be cut right there. On the other
hand, clouds themselves don't rumble, but the rumbling sound seems to
come from them. I'll leave it up to you to fix this. (At the very least,
add a question mark after 'rumbled.')
squinting between raindrops. The rumble grew louder.
rumbling
`That doesn't sound like thunder.' A lump caught in
Greg's throat. `That sounds like a jet engine.'
"GET OUT OF HERE!" Tracer screamed, diving off the
ledge.
Suddenly, an explosion ripped off the edge the roof.
Chunks of concrete flew in all directions as Greg covered
his head as it landed around him. Without a second thought,
change the first 'as' to 'and'
he scurried over to the stairway door. He yanked it open
and glanced back. The blue mechanical suit hovered over the
remnants of the ledge, rasping its sharp thumb across its
lithe metallic claws.
`Malance?! What's he doing here?'
Audience: SCENE BREAK!
Tracer burst through the glass window narrowly avoiding
comma ^
the large chunks of the ledge hurling down the side of the
building. Tumbling onto a white sheet, Tracer quickly
scanned the room. He spied no furniture, but did find
plenty of white sheets draped everywhere. Several tools
laid a strewn about.
Double verbs here. Replace 'laid' with 'were' and it reads better.
`This isn't a great place to have a fight. But a
fight's a fight and I'm not gonna back down now, especially
with that Society bastard.'
Tracer aimed his gun at the shattered window. "I do
have to hand it to Malance though, he's awfully
predictable."
Famous. Last. Words.
Without warning, the ceiling caved in showering Tracer
with plaster and water as large segments of the roof came
crashing through. Dazed, Tracer stumbled around tripping
over pieces of the roof waving away the thick fog of white
comma ^
dust.
"Come out here, you freakin' coward!" He coughed
firing his gun randomly. "DAMN IT!"
An engine roared above and from out of the cloud a
clawed fist sent the dark-haired man flying. The Timelord
tumbled through a wall before finally sliding to a stop and
quickly regained his senses. Frantically, he groped for his
gun as he heard the engine roar once again.
If he's regained his senses, why is groping for his gun frantically? You
could remove the word 'frantically' from the last sentence, or use 'feet'
instead of 'senses' to show that while Tracer is on his feet, he isn't
100% aware of what's going on around him, hence the frantic groping at
the sound of Malance approaching.
The blue mechanized suit slammed into Tracer, smashing
several more walls. Tracer grunted with each impact until
his body slammed against a thick steel girder. Malance's
engine continued to roar, pushing the Timelord harder
against the groaning metal girder. Spitting the taste of
dust and blood from his mouth, Tracer ignored the sting on
his cheek and struggled to keep the sharp claw tips away
from his face. He could hear the low chuckling of Malance
through the helmet.
"You are so dead." Tracer spat out from between
gritted teeth.
Hmm...snappy comeback.
"Crap!" Tracer busted through a closed door as several
volleys obliterated the stairwell entrance.
'several volleys' doesn't work for me. Suggest: 'the first volley' or 'a
volley of shots'
"You've caused the General enough problems with all
your drama, Timelord." Malance announced flying down the
length of the hallway.
Scrambling, Tracer ran through a partially tore down
torn-down
wall all the while dodging volley after volley of cannon
comma ^
Launching himself at Malance, Tracer welded the hammer
'welded' is not specific enough for this use. Suggest: 'swung'
over his head and smashed it into the suit's visor, cracking
its smooth surface. Using their momentum, Tracer pulled
back and slammed the hammer into Malance's armored abdomen
comma ^
knocking him to the ground.
"I won't let you defeat me!" The man in the suit
groaned taking a swipe a Tracer with his claws.
comma ^
Tracer rushed out of the room and propelled himself
from the pile of ruined concrete to the jagged ledge of the
floor above. Streams of cold water doused his face as he
franticly pulled himself up. Several more volleys exploded
around him and Tracer leaped to the next ledge and continued
clawing himself up until he reached the roof.
'clawing himself up' doesn't work for me. Just 'climbing' works fine.
Tracer could feel a chill spreading around him and saw
the flurry of ice and snow blowing toward him. His clawed
hand began to throb. He remembered the dull sensation as it
been frozen to the bone. Chills filled his abdomen where
'it had been' (word missing)
"Deep Submerge!"
Tracer rolled away as a ball of water exploded upon
impact with the stairway door flooding the roof. Tracer
hastily rubbed his eyes until the red glare no longer
pulsating in his view. Now he could see three more girls
had join the battle. All three girls wearing the same style
joined
"Great. Just great." The Timelord muttered.
He ended on a cliffhanger. Well...a handhold hanger.
End of Part 5
Notes:
Thanks to Setsu-P and Naru for their edit help. And thanks to you,
my fellow readers for, well, reading.
You're welcome.
Disclaimer:
Sailor Moon is owned by Naoko Takeuchi and in America by DIC.
All original characters are owned and copyrighted by Bastion (c) 2004
This PSA brought to you by the letters: I, J, &
OMFGTHEFFMLISTEHDIENG!!!111
Bastion (bastionatixdotnetcomdotcom)
Revised 07/06
Commented on 7/7. LUCKY!
Okay, here's where the rubber meets the road. I'm going to be blunt,
possibly to the point of being unkind. I'm not dogging on you or your
writing, I'm just offering my impressions, opinions, and suggestions.
Hopefully they'll be helpful.
Honestly, in spite my many "corrections," this story was quite easy to
read. The dialogue flowed quite well. The missing commas simply need
practice. The missing words is a common problem that's damn hard to fix.
Really you just need good pre-readers to catch that one. I've got stuff
that's been gone over with a fine-toothed comb FIVE TIMES and still I
find missing words in it here and there. The pacing was excellent, well
above par. My main gripe is the narration. The prose...is bland. Boring.
You have fight scenes with good action, and dramatic scenes with deep
shadows and great dialogue, but both just don't have the slick prose to
tie it all together. This is the hardest thing to help a writer with.
My advice is to find and browse through "Waters Under Earth" by Alan
Harnum. The Penultimate Ranma Fanfic Index should have a link to it
somewhere.
(http://www.rakhal.com/ranmalst.html)
SHAMELESS PLUG: My own Neon Genesis:Immortals is a pale imitation of the
heavy descriptive prose in WUE.
(http://www.fanfiction.net/~RickSpiff)
I'm not saying to copy the whole style, but...spice it up a little bit!
Write some metaphors that will make your audience re-read entire
paragraphs for nothing but the descriptions. Go to the library and see if
they carry any of Chuck Phalunak's books! All I can say is that it takes
practice, and it would really make this story more entertaining.
Lastly, the outright volume of prose is somewhat lacking. Occasionally I
felt like a parched man crawling through a desert, desparate for a
glimpse of any oasis of narrative, and finding only dry dialogue. The
dialogue is good, but it does not sustain a man. Show the reader what's
happening there!
The characterization of the scouts felt very 'off' for me. They usually
aren't clamoring for someone's head on a pike. Not verbally, anyway. The
sudden multi-directional attack on Tracer right at the end of this
chapter seems perfectly IC. If this characterization is consistent
throughout the first four chapters, I won't complain...as long as there's
good reason for it. It just feels like there SHOULD be a reason, even if
the reason is nothing more than 'that's just the way they are in this
universe.'
That's it. I liked it, but I see lots of room for real improvement. Keep
writing!
Later,
Rick "A whip!" Spiff
Who should be writing his own damn stuff now.
FFML Member since 2000 A.D.
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