Jenny Chan wrote:
"Oh my god, Mako-chan!" Himeko squeeeeed with excitement as happy young
women were wont to do and greeted Makoto with a heartfelt hug which
was returned with an equal heartiness. " Congratulations!!" They
separated and Himeko promptly lifted the other woman's left hand up
to admire the ring with just the right hint of jealousy in her voice
as was demanded by politeness. "Have you and Souma-kun set a date yet?"
Souma and Mako? <raises eyebrows> Leftovers, anyone?
I suppose it doesn't detract too much from the story in this case,
because it's reasonably well developed, given the time you spent on it,
and it isn't the major thrust (errr...) of the story anyway.
"Aho! Is that why you turned him down in tenth grade? Be careful
Himeko!" Makoto continued her wide grin tease. "Little boys don't
Comma after 'careful'.
"Except for all that time you spent inviting the both of us to outings
and then casually disappearing?" Makoto winked.
Notwithstanding your comments in the author's notes about
characterisation, I just don't buy this. Himeko just doesn't seem to
have a grain of deviousness in her -- not even minor or well-intentioned
deviousness like this.
The other woman was tall, with exotic dark skin, and yellow eyes that
seemed to glow as she took in the beauty of the room appreciatively
over the edge of her fine rimmed glasses. She wore a dark, conservative
business suit that did nothing to hide her impressive bust. Her skirt,
though conservative in cut, was scandalously short. Chikane wondered
You use 'conservative' twice here in close succession. It would be
better if you replaced one of them with a different adjective.
No, she couldn't tell this woman. She couldn't tell anyone. No one
could ever know the depths of her depravity.
The silence was broken by the sound of the brief case opening again.
briefcase (I suppose it's not technically wrong to split it into two
words, but it's not usual, and thus somewhat jarring.)
<i>
The heat from the fire doesn't stop Himeko from trembling, as Chikane
pulls her shirt over her head, and lays her down on the rug, cradling
her head onto a cushion tenderly. Cold? Fear? Excitement? Chikane
<raises eyebrows> A present-tense flashback in a past-tense fic? Odd,
to say the least. Is there some reason why you did this?
imagines that the trembling must be from a combination of the three,
rather like what was spreading through her own body. Himeko looks up at
Chikane, propped up on an elbow and lying beside her. Her eyes shine by
the light of the flames.
Himeko's chest rises and falls with a slow, steady rhythm, fascinating
to Chikane's eyes. She puts her hand gently over top of Himeko left
Himeko's
breast to take part in the rise and fall of her breath, and could feel
Tense mismatch and/or faulty parallelism. Might be better to say, 'and
to feel...'
her heart beating strongly and quickly. Himeko closes her eyes and
smiles contently.
Chikane slides her hand down to the valley of Himeko's bosom, letting
the back of her fingers run down the delightfully smooth skin and
releases the front clasp of the pink bra. Himeko's chest rises suddenly
as she takes a sharp intake of breath. Chikane smiles at the reaction.
Tremors of anticipation race through her body too. She lifts the clasp
with the side of her hand and slides her palm under one cup to gently
take the breast underneath in a caressing hold. She rubs the harden
Hard, hardened, or hardening will all work there, depending on what
you're trying to say, but harden won't.
With almost a reluctance, Chikane leaves Himeko's mouth to send a
Meandering path of soft kisses down her throat, suckling and
nibbling, and running her tongue along Himeko's collar bone. She
feels Himeko's fingers dig not un-pleasurably into her hair, even as
the blonde girl lifts her head high, arching her back, giving Chikane
more flesh to claim. She eagerly does.
Chikane shifts her body weight off of her elbow, and straddles Himeko.
Her long skirt is made of a very thin micro-fibre, and she has put one
Inconsistent verb tense. 'puts' instead of 'has put'. Also, the part
after the comma should follow logically from the part before it. In
this case, the connection is rather tenuous.
Next, Chikane's hands take temporary leave of Himeko's breasts to weave
burning trails down the length of her body, circle around her belly
button, and rests teasingly at the top of her skirt. She continues to
rest
lower her kisses from Himeko's neck, dragging her tongue against the
smooth skin in one long, delicious lick that ends with just the barest
of tantalization at a nipple so hardened with desire it must have ached.
This sentence is rather awkward. You might want to try splitting it up.
Himeko cannot help but give a soft cry of pleasure that is abruptly
heightened into a gasp as Chikane's tongue returns to the
cruelly teased nipple, and spirals around it languidly before
she brings her lips down and gives her a maddeningly gentle suckle. All
the while, Chikane continues to rub her thumb just so against Himeko's
other heightened sensitive teat.
To be grammatically correct, you'd have to say 'heightenedly', but
that's starting to become a bit awkward. You might want to reword this.
Also, 'teat' is more commonly used to refer to an animal's nipple, it's
use here certainly raised my eyebrows...
One hand continues to do languid circles, tracing tantalizing circles
into Himeko's belly, before it dips downward and slips underneath
Himeko's skirt...
Himeko's entire body stiffens suddenly.
</i>
And then she screamed. A scream of surprise. Of horror. And shoved
Chikane away with enough force to send her sprawling in the rug.
And she shoved...
(Otherwise this sentence no verb.)
"The entire time this is happening, there is one thought going through
my mind. I have to do this. This is the only way. This is the only way.
This is the only way."
Several minutes of pregnant silences passed, before Chikane could
school herself enough to open her eyes. She looked directly into
'Calm', 'compose', or 'collect' would all make sense here, but 'school'
doesn't.
It was as though the Himeko from her dreams was standing in front of
her now, mouth slightly agape, hand slightly reached out, whispering,
hoarsely, that simple question:
why?
Why? (capitalization)
Her heart was beating in her ears, as it had been since the other two
women had entered the room what seemed like a lifetime ago.
"Don't go," Himeko could barely find her whisper in her hoarse throat.
"Please, Chikane-chan. Don't leave me."
You might want to combine these two paragraphs.
...and Chikane, teetering on that brink, closes her eyes... and lets
herself fall head long down the other side.
headlong (In this case, I'm not sure the words used separately have any
meaning.)
With a hunger pent up for many more lifetimes than Chikane could ever
realize, a guttural noise escapes her throat and she kisses her woman,
This is a bit questionable. It makes it seem as if it's the noise that
has the pent-up hunger, not Chikane.
parting her lips with her tongue and exploring her with a mad urgency.
Her hands roam freely down and across Himeko's back, raising up to hold
her head more firmly into the kiss, or sliding down to cup her round
bottom. They reach for the bottom of her shirt and slide underneath,
exploring the smooth curve of her back, and dancing intricate patterns
on the soft, warm skin.
Himeko responses with equal intensity, crushing her mouth against
responds
It takes a maddeningly long time, but finally, the last button gives in
and Himeko pulls the shirt back over Chikane's smooth, pale shoulders.
This forces Chikane's own hands cruelly away from their task of
exploring Himeko's flesh and Chikane finds her arms are tied up
momentarily behind her back as she struggles out of her sleeves. This
allows Himeko a brief moment of respite to pull herself out of the
world of intoxicating sensation, as Chikane tries to flee herself.
free
fingers underneath. Tremors start to dance up and down Himeko's skin,
and Chikane continues to watch Himeko's face, finding the longing and
anticipation knitted into her brow absolutely fascinating.
Himeko's breathing grows more and more labour as Chikane continues to
laboured
stroke her. She wonders at how soft Himeko is, how invitingly warm and
moist she is.
The sheets spill out between Himeko's fingers as she squeezes her hands
into fists.
"... don't...!" Himeko's plea comes out as a soft gasp.
That word is not what Chikane expects to hear. She freezes, eyes wide
with sudden alarm. Her mind goes blank. The world stops mid heart beat.
mid-heartbeat
**********************************************************************
AUTHOR'S NOTES & OMAKE
Comments and Criticism would be most greatly appreciated!
Specifically, I'd like to know if the lemony bits worked. This is my
first attempt at lemony material and I don't feel entire comfortable
with it. I didn't really want to include it, but, given the subject
matter, it almost seemed inappropriate NOT to include more descriptive
love scenes.
I must say that I'm curious as to why they're in present tense rather
than past tense, like the rest of the fic. I can think of one rather
strong stylistic justification for it, but I'd like to hear your
reasoning for it. Just be careful with it -- it's a lot easier to make
tense agreement errors when writing in present tense, I find. Indeed,
the two lemon scenes were where most of your errors were. But perhaps
that was due to distraction. :P
Out of curiosity, is English your first language?
Also, I thought that the timing of the second lemon scene was just a bit
jarring -- it came a bit too suddenly for my tastes. I think perhaps a
huggling-snuggling scene first would be better.
I'd also appreciate comments on characterization. I know that the
characters all seem a bit different than canon, but please do keep in
mind that the characters are a good 5-6 years older, and the universe
*was* reset. I'd like to think that this time around, everyone is
starting off just a bit more mature and grown-up from the experiences
of their previously over-written lives.
I have no problems with that. It all seemed most natural. However, as
I mentioned, I just can't imagine Himeko surreptitiously trying to set
up Mako and Souma, or anyone and anyone, for that matter.