--- David Johnston <rgorman@telusplanet.net> wrote:

Dave Wong wrote:

Both he and Akane had called the number listed in

the

phonebook, of course, but they'd only gotten
Kobayakawa-san's answering machine.  This had

remained

the same after nearly a week; after that, Ranma
decided that a more direct approach was needed.

Thus,

the reason why he'd utilized the
Goshin-Dai-Ryu-Sei-Fu, 

Enough!  We get it!  He's using the
Goshinyaddayadda..
You don't have to keep telling us.  Whatever that
is.

Fine.  Thhe Goshin Dai Ryu Sei Fu means the
Body-Defense Shooting Star Cloth, the technique Ranma
uses to become invisible.  And thanks for reminding me
to add that to the footnotes in the revision.

End Chapter 1

Author's Notes:  

I have a feeling that the chapter is too fast. 

Please

help me with that, if you will.    

What are you trying to actually do with this story? 
Where's the actual 
conflict?  A problem to solve.  A barrier to
overcome.  Can the devil 
show up and challenge Ranma to a fiddle competition
for a golden fiddle? 
  Can he get his hands on a cursed violin?  Can you
start doing a riff 
on the Man With One Red Shoe?  Is there some lesson
you want Ranma to 
learn that he hasn't already learned in the previous
story?  My problem 
with this chapter is that it isn't about things
happening.  It's about 
things not happening.  That's why the bit of it I
liked was the 
interaction between Ranma "chan" and the shop keeper
because something 
happened there.  Ranma made a friend.  It was
lovable.  I'd like to see 
more stuff with old shop keeper guy but a lot less
of Ranma avoiding 
conflict and consequently nothing happening.

This chapter does serve a purpose.  It's a bridge that
helps connect this fic from Equal Halves.  Want
conflict?  Just wait for chapter 2.

Dave Wong

a.k.a. DarkWing
"Let's get dangerous"

Website: www.geocities.com/darksoar/start.html

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