Let's try this again...
 
Some brief thoughts on this. 
 
First, the style is a bit plainer than I care for. It's not that I'm  looking 
for an imitation of Dunsany or Clark Ashton Smith - there are advantages  to 
a straightforward style - but the prose lacks heft. You gloss over things  
that you should probably expend a little detail on, and spend reexplain concepts  
you've all ready covered before (the Flame and the Void for example). Another 
 pass or two over the story could probably fix this, if you have the time and 
 patients.
 
Second, Harry jumped to the conclusion that he was wielding magic pretty  too 
pat for my taste. Never underestimate the human mind's ability to  
rationalize things. Also, you have to remember that, besides being kept away  from 
'strangness' all his life, the Dursley's have ground into Harry that he's  nothing 
special - a practically worthless charity case. While this hasn't turned  into 
a quivering wreck, it's still probably has instilled a blindness in Harry's  
eyes when it comes to self-assessment. I think Harry would need a few more  
strange incidents, with him at their center and with each close on the heels of  
the last, before deducing the truth. 
 
However, I do like the idea of Harry experimenting on his own with magic,  
forging his own way as he dabbles with his new found powers, but I also agree  
with StudioPC in that you're making him a bit too uber - he's a kid who's been  
playing with a power without guidence for a few years. Minor things like 
small  Jedi mind tricks or minor prestidigitaions may be all right, but a full 
fledged  teleport, or whatever Rowlings calls it? Too much. You also need to show 
Harry  falling on his face with some of his experiments, having them fizzle 
or, even  more interesting, backfire. Yes, Harry is suppose to have a lot of 
innate  talent, if I remember correctly, but that doesn't mean it's going to be 
easy on  him to harness it, especially if he's self-taught. 
 
Also, in my opinion, Harry should be a bit more in awe of the world he's  
been thrust in to. There's a huge difference between the fiction and the reality  
of something. No amount of D&D and fantasy novels are going to make the  
culture shock and the realities of Potter's magical world any less palpable and  
real. 
 
Some minor spelling errors here and there. Nothing a combing over won't  fix. 
 
For whatever it's worth,
 
Jeremy Harper


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