Sorry it's late, things are a bit hectic on my side
here :D
Seeing as I'm the other guy who's writing a Ranma/Star
Wars crossover, I figure I should give ya some C&C :D
--- Andrew Norris <setsuna@setsuna.us> wrote:
Well, after listening to everyone, here's the
prologue, edited.
Thanks to all who commentened.
Eilsa Jardon sighed as she glanced at her
surroundings, clear blue
Suggest: "her clear blue yes..."
eyes taking in the scenery.
"Another backwater planet," she muttered as she
shook her head,
Suggest: "..muttered, shaking her head,"
the ponytail of her straight black hair shifting
about slightly
under the hood of the brown cloak she currently
wore. Underneath
that were simple cotton white robes that hid her
Replace were with was
lean and athletic
form.
If a passerby chanced to look into her hood, her
Suggest: "..hood, they would have seen a pale and
aristocratic face..."
pale and
aristocratic face was bearing a small scar on her
cheek, an
indication of an old, old wound.
Suggest saying "very old"
As she stepped though the small market her thoughts
turned to what
she said.
comma after market
Not _quite_ backwater, but definitely not the most
advanced she
had been on. Dodging the old fashioned radar to
Suggest: "...she had ever been on."
Suggest replacing "old fashioned" with "primitive" or
a similar word.
land her craft
here, where her senses told her there would be easy
resupply after
she got lost.
Suggest: "where her senses had told her that where it
would be easy to resupply.."
As she walked though the Market she was examining,
she knew there
would be no supplies for her here due to the
walkthrough the
market showed the stalls and shops selling fresh
food, mostly
vegetables and fish.
This is a run-on sentence. I suggest you chop it up
into two parts, or shorten it.
Suggest: "As she browsed through the Market's stalls,
she soon came to the conclusion that she wouldn't be
able to resupply here. So far, she had only seen
fresh food, mostly vegetables and fish, none of which
she had use for."
The other shops were selling small electronics that
she had built
as a youngling. The language was extremely
Since Earth tech and Star Wars tech are kind of
different, I suggest:
"The other shops were selling very primitive versions
of small, electronic devices that she had built as a
youngling."
difficult for her
force powers to translate for her, almost as if it
Force
had no
association with any she knew. Before she could
attempt to talk
to one of the venders, she staggered in shock as a
cry screamed
into her mind.
A young soul, calling for help from a terrible fear
driven home to
her by the child's own Force. Before she could
think the Force
think, the
guided her actions, and she blurred towards the
strident call, not
thinking about the possible ramifications of her
actions.
We have an impulsive one here, don't we! :D
Luckily, the residents of Nerima were used to the
Suggest "were long used"
abilities of
Martial artists.
Suggest "seemingly superhuman abilities of the local
martial artists."
As she flashed over the roofs, cloak streaming
behind her, the
clarion call of fear and terror struck her even more
desperately
desperately,
causing her to move faster, reaching for deeper and
deeper levels
of the Force, to save a soul from a horror beyond
imagining.
As she homed in on the pit of despair, she skidded
Replace pit with place
into a alley
an alley
where a small redheaded child was being surrounded
by some local
predator. They looked vaguely like Cathar infants -
small, furry,
clawed, both playful and dangerous. She couldn't
convince of why
Suggest: "She couldn't think of a reason why..."
they were threatening a small child, till a smell of
fish wafted
across her nose, reminding her of some Cathar's love
of fish.
Suggest: "reminding her of the Cathar's love for it."
Before she could act as her senses verifying the
hunger of the
predators, the child's emotions... _shifted_ was all
she could
think of... turning a desperate child to a mindless
carnivore.
This paragraph needs some rewriting; maybe you can cut
it into two parts?
She stared, aware of how desperate the situation had
become,
just become,
especially when she felt the whisper of the child's
own Force
forge into insubstantial claws and scatter the small
predators
without any harm to them. Her feelings confirmed
what she saw
what she saw,
indicating no hunger or anger from the child and a
whisper in her
mind hinted at a way to help this hurt soul.
She watched the child carefully, letting the feral
child study
her, while she sunk her soul deeper into the Force,
letting it
steer her and send out calming waves of emotions, as
she knelt in
response to the child approaching her and was
rewarded by a
sniffing of her out held hand.
You really got to quit the habit of creating run-on
sentences. Cut this into two or three sentences!
Without warning, the child pounced, slamming into
You mean the Force didn't give her a warning? As deep
as she was in it? Oh yeah, and there's an extra
space.
her chest,
knocking her back onto the ground. She looked down,
and found
herself with a lapful of child. Calling upon the
Force to calm
the world around them, she sent waves of comfort as
Suggest: "..she sent waves of comfort; gradually, the
purrs quieted and slowed."
the purrs
quieted and slowed.
As she felt the child's Force signature calm and
settle into the
state that meant sleep, she slipped in her own
touch, sending the
child deeper into slumber which would allow her to
move the young
girl safely and get her to the ship so she could
gather
information on this girl's health. She carefully
gathered the
girl as she resumed a more normal pattern for
sleeping into her
arms, and carefully moved out of the alley and then
taking to the
roofs with speed, but careful to not disturb the
bundle in her
arms.
Two run-on sentences in 1 paragraph....
As the cloaked figure departed, faint calls of
"Ranma!" could be
heard over the wind, if the Jedi was paying
attention.
Suggest: "wind. Unfortunately, the Jedi wasn't
paying attention."
**********************
Balance of Force
By
Andrew 'MageOhki' Norris
with grateful assistance and kibitzing from
Nicholas 'Nightelf' Leifker
Major C and C provided (not all of it accepted, mind
you, but most
was) by
Quedrom
Prologue
The Child.
**********************
As Eilsa laid the child into the capsule she kept in
her ship, she
shook her head. A six year old. Unbelievable. She
couldn't
conceive of a Jedi able to form solid weapons with
Jedi Master? Knight? Padawan? All of the above?
the Force, much
less a child of such a young age using it at all.
Suggest: "much less a child of six years."
She brushed the
bangs of the sleeping child, sighing softly at the
thought of the
scene earlier today. She stepped back and gestured
Replace "today" with "that day" ; Replace "gestured"
with "ordered"
at her
medical droid to run a complete medical history of
the child, only
a Jedi healer could determine the cause and reasons
for the state
she saw.
I don't understand this paragraph, if only a Jedi
healer could do that, why request the droid to try and
do it?
She stood up as the droid began its work, and she
Delete the second 'she'
went to the
small galley, making a cup of kaff for herself. As
she sipped it,
she walked to the cockpit of her ship, to study her
Delete the comma after ship. Suggest: "..study her
journey on the travel logs."
journey. A
planet this advanced should have been discovered by
Suggest: "A planet at this level of technology..."
the Order or
Republic scouts already.
Though... she had been traveling for a long time and
she didn't
have a clue where she was now in relation to the
Temple, even if
she was of the mind to seek their ... advice in a
face to face
conversation. She finally found the name of the
The first sentence doesn't make sense. Make it
clearer.
planet, only
because of the recording and translating watch she
Translating watch?
had her
computer did, or... was this Nihon the name of the
computer do
area she was
in? Eh, no real matter she thought as she stood in
matter, she
response to
the medical droid's call for attention.
"Madam, you need to look at these results" M-21J
results,"
spoke as Eilsa
strode into the medical bay.
"Readings?" Her response was in a soft contralto as
she held out
her hand for the datapad. She glanced though the
basic data, and
then moved on history. She slowed down as her
onto history.
eyebrows rose, and
her face paled.
She set aside the datapad and studied the child in
the bed. Her
Force presence blazed like a beacon, and any
rational Jedi would
assume that's why she lived though all the injuries
that was why she was able to survive all those
that the droid
reported. Part of her was severely tempted to put
her into stasis
and head directly for the Temple, since she was
I thought she doesn't where she is in relation to the
Temple?
either a orphan or
abused by her parents, but that would not be the way
of the Jedi
as she and a few others saw it. She couldn't work
within whatever
the law was here, but she could at least find out
Suggest: "..whatever was the law here.."
from the child's
own lips what and how these conditions occurred, and
Erase "what and"
who caused
them.
************
She wasn't taking her back. No way. No how. No
chance was he
returning to his parents. Nor the situation in
Nerima. She
regretted not listening to her first impulse, but
that was a
passing fancy. She also knew that what he told her,
while more
than he'd tell any stranger, was still incomplete,
and he would
have avoided the Neko-ken as he called it training
altogether.
Suggest: "..and he would've avoided the training of
the Nekoken altogether."
She breathed as she watched a 6-year-old body do a
Breathed in...surprise? Shock? Jealousy?
jump and a kick
that many Jedi in their prime could not do.
She shook her head. Yes, the child, and while she
Replace "the" with "a"
believed his
actual 17 years of age, she couldn't make herself
consider Ranma a
person on the verge of adulthood. While the child
Replace "the child" with "he"
had many flaws,
to be expected of one raised by a Sith in all but
that was to be..
name, goodness
still shined within the child. Not a bully to his
true inferiors,
nor someone who was greedy in an evil sense, or even
one who
sought power for power's sake. But... she had to
fix this. The
only way Ranma could become what her Force senses
told her she
told her he could become, was if she took him with
her.
could become, was if she took the child with her.
However, to do that, she'd need to acquire fuel and
Suggest: "..first of all she needed to acquire fuel
and deal with the Nerima mess."
to deal with
the Neriman mess. She couldn't just steal the
child. Even though
Of course she could! Call it enforced adopting! Heh
Ranma's father was a Sith, and his mother was a
clear threat to
her own child's safety, that still didn't give her
the right or
the duty to just steal the child away. It would not
Erase "or the duty" and "just". Replace "It" with
"That"
be the Jedi
way, and even if she was willing to waive that, it
would lower her
to that... panda's level.
And in truth, she would have to also need to deal
Suggest: "And also, to be fair, she would have to
deal with the others."
with the others
in fairness. The Amazons, Ukyou, and the Tendos...
they should
provide no difficulty in this situation, but still
having Ranma
disappear without at least letting them know and say
goodbye to
them was truly against the spirit of the Code she
Replace "them" with "him"
followed.
'Assuming I could kidnap the child, that is. Even
not needing
fuel, she is quite skilled. ' She thought with a
slight snort and
smile.
Is Ranma in his cursed form? Because earlier you
wrote
him as a "he".
She had a feeling that training Ranma in the ways
of the Force
would tax even Windu's skills... not because Ranma
would have taxed
was inept...
but because she exceeded her teacher or could
quickly if her words
about how fast she learned were true.
Another run-on sentence. Restructure it.
She picked up a data chip with a visual recording of
how the Neko-
ken was taught. She shuddered. The memory of
How was it able to be recorded?
Ranma's tone of
voice as he described being put into the pit
repeatedly...
Replace "put" with "forced"
The idea that someone was foolish enough to put a
child though
such torture was bad enough. Knowing that it was
the boy's father
made her sick.
Genma: *Achooo!*
It was nothing short of a miracle that Ranma didn't
hate his
father for this. Indeed, all throughout his tales,
Suggest: "Indeed, in all his tales.."
he never
actually hated anyone. Some of their actions, yes,
but not them.
Add directly after them.
She picked up another chip, relating the experience
of Jusekyou.
Jhusenkyou
Even when she saw it with her own eyes, she doubted
she'd actually
get anyone to believe this without them seeing it
for themselves.
Yet another reason for the child to hate, and Ranma
didn't.
Another data chip.
"The seppuku promise." She snarled softly before
promise," she snarled..
recovering her
poise, still wondering at what type of mother would
agree to a
pledge made with a handprint by a 5 year old to
-kill- himself if
he wasn't... manly. She took a deep breath reciting
the Code in
her mind, till she calmed down. She had always felt
mind, until she..
drawn
to children, and loved being with them, and often
wondered if she
made the right choice in staying a Jedi, instead of
becoming a
mother. How could she even consider herself a
mother after having
agreed to such a action. She couldn't bring herself
to even think
about striking down one of her padawans if they
fell, but to fail
to live up to some 'standard' as artificial and
variable as being
'manly'? It was a perversion of the very nature of
motherhood,
and it both horrified and angered her deeply.
Amen to that.
She stood up to collect herself and control her
anger while
replaying the discussion of Happosai in her mind.
There was a
Sith if she ever had heard of one. Self taught
maybe, and not
quite sunk to the level of depravity that some could
go to, but
clearly in thrall to the Dark side.
She briefly recalled the discussion of Shampoo and
the other two
Amazons, and rather looked forward to meeting
Cologne, but wasn't
sure of Mousse. Shampoo had potential, if she
wasn't too old,
that is. She moved on to Ukyou and shook her head
Too old? Isn't Shampoo a teenager, and Jedi are
usually taken when they're babies?
at another
father that basically shuffled his problems onto his
child.
She stopped pacing and thought about the Tendos.
This would take
Replace "This" with "That"
careful handling. Her training as a diplomat
allowed her to pick
up on clues, and while she was sure Ranma didn't
want to get
married, even at his proper age, he did hold
Suggest replace "proper" with "normal"
feelings for the Dark
Marauder in training called Akane. He had fondness
for Kasumi,
the eldest of the three daughters while Nabiki...
..daughters, as for Nabiki...
It is said that there are many paths to the dark
side, and greed
is one of them. Perhaps it was a good thing she
Remove extra space after 'was'
wasn't a student
of this planet's way of the Force, otherwise there
Suggest: "planet's version of Force manipulation,"
would be three
Sith to consider.
Last but not least was Ryouga. She wasn't sure how
to consider
him. Was he just a victim of hardship and
circumstance, or was he
truly disturbed? Ranma's description of him wasn't
Suggest replacing "disturbed" with "on the path of the
Dark Side"
conclusive
enough, though Ranma didn't bash him, she sensed
enough. Though he didn't bash the other boy, Eilsa
sensed
that Ranma was
displeased about some of his behavior, but wouldn't
very displeased about some of his actions
say what.
She shook her head, thinking back onto the interview
Replace "onto" with "to"
she had with
the young man.
******
"Hello, My name's Eilsa. What's yours?" Eilsa
asked in a warm
tone.
"... Ranma" a young female voice answered.
"Ranma? An interesting name. 'Wild horse', right?"
She was answered with a nod.
"Ranma, I hope you don't mind, but I need to ask a
few questions."
Eilsa was rewarded with a sigh and an annoyed
comment from the
girl.
"Okay... what did Pop do now?"
Eilsa studied the child and came to a mental
No need for 'mental'
conclusion. This
wasn't the first time something like this happened.
like this had happened.
What type of
world did she fall on?
She shook her head. "Mind telling me why you acted
like a cat?"
"Cause my father is an idiot" Ranma responded like
Add a comma after idiot
it was the most
oblivious fact in the world.
obvious
"Ah... but how did that happen?" Eilsa was getting
the funny
sense she wasn't dealing with a six year old
Replace "sense" with "feeling"
mentality. The
patterns and emotions weren't corresponding to that,
nor what
Replace "what" with "were the"
thoughts she could sense. More like a 13 or 14 year
Suggest: "They were more like a ..."
old. Then
again, the child was in a feline state of mind no
less than an
hour before, so the unexpected pattern might be
intentional.
Suggest replacing "intentional" with "a side effect"
Ranma shrugged. "Like I said, Pops is a idiot. He
found this
martial arts technique - the Nekoken - and decided
to teach me in
Replace "teach" with "instruct"
it. Training consisted of wrapping me in fish
sausage and tossing
me into a pit full of c-c-cats - repeatedly" The
Period after repeatedly.
offhand tone it
was spoken with would fool most.
would have fooled most.
Eilsa wasn't one of them. "So... that would explain
the injuries
I found." The tone made it sound like a mystery
solved
period after solved
Ranma's expression was puzzled as she replied.
"Injuries?"
"Your body shows a horrific number of injuries.
Your bones have
so many healed breaks that I lost count - everything
from your jaw
to ribs to both your arms and legs - on several
occasions. Or was
that something else?" Her tone of voice matched her
eyebrow's
questioning stance.
Ranma shrugged. "Eh, only scratches mostly from
that. Lots of
them, but can't recall any broken bones from it."
"So where did the broken bones come from?"
"Eh, training mostly, I guess." Ranma's casual
attitude was
beginning to scare the Jedi.
"14 recently acquired hairline fractures of the
skull from
_training_?" The stress on the last word indicated
to anyone
aware that Eilsa's view on such training was...
displeased to say
displeasure, extreme displeasure
the least.
"Huh. Those are new. Akane's work." Ranma's
response was
casual.
Suggest: "Ranma's response was once again casual."
"And who is this Akane?" Eilsa's voice responded
not showing the
growing horror she was experiencing.
Suggest replacing experiencing with feeling
"My fiancee." This offhand answer shut down Eilsa's
mental
processes for a second
"Excuse me? As in a female intended?" Eilsa asked,
confirming
what she heard.
Suggest: "needing to confirm what she had just
heard."
"Yup." An are you stupid tone, so typically
teenager rattled the
so typical of a teenager
adult across from Ranma more.
She just _knew_ something was way off. She wasn't
sure what she
was asking, but she had the feeling she was missing
Suggest replacing "asking" with "looking for"
something...
and well... "How old are you?"
"16"
Eilsa blinked. She rose from the chair, saying,
"I'll be back in
a second. Have some snacks."
Ranma nodded and started munching on the wafers she
laid out.
Eilsa returned after verifying that Ranma was human
with her
medical droid. "Care to explain how you're 16? My
medical ...
device indicated that you were at best 6, more than
likely 5."
"Well, that's a bit hard. You see, Ryogua found
these mushrooms,
and... " Ranma's voice washed over her, explaining
the whole
chain of events until. " After we accidentally
Remove until, put comma after events, and close up
that space
before After.
destroyed the last
of them, I couldn't take losing all the things I
trained for. I'd
hate the thought of having to do that training trip
again..."
Well, since Ranma's gained an additional childhood, he
should
know that he can do things different, like taking a
training
trip without Genma. Besides, he hasn't lost
everything; he still
has his skill and all the techniques he learned. It's
just a matter
of growing up and getting his body back into shape.
And best of
all, since he's a kid, he's way too young to be
married!
Eilsa blinked. Every word Ranma said rang with
truth. Some of
Ranma's words were self-serving statements
Replace "Ranma's words" with "them"
certainly, but still
truth. And it would explain the injuries.
true
However...
"I... find that hard to believe. Magic?" Eilsa
couldn't keep
disbelief out of her voice.
"Got hot water?" Ranma enquired, smiling like she
inquired
had a secret.
******
Eilsa shook her head. She had to believe Ranma.
Between the
demonstrations she arranged and other things, it was
all true. Of
course, that was Ranma's point of view. She had to
find the other
point of view. Which means, time to investigate
Which meant, it was time to..
Nerima. Not to
Nerima, and also, not to mention...
mention figuring out why the same soul had two
different levels of
Force presence.
Pretty good take on the "Jedi takes
Ranma-as-a-kid-or-teen as a student." I missed the
original version, but this is a pretty interesting
read, problems with run-on sentences aside.
I encourage you to continue this and am looking
forward to reading chapter 1.
Dave Wong
a.k.a. DarkWing
"Let's get dangerous"
Website: www.geocities.com/darksoar/start.html
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