--- David Johnston <rgorman@telusplanet.net> wrote:
<snip>
She snorted in contempt of her rival. Crimson,
now
in contempt for her rival.
Okay.
<snip>
that was truely one of the stupidest names Allura
had
ever heard. Her hair wasn't the color and neither
that color
Okay.
<snip>
and had no qualms about letting her displeasure be
known, via a Force lightning attack.
displeasure known with her Force lightning.
Either that or "letting her displeasure be known with
a Force lighting attack.
<snip>
Ah, there, she'd finally reached Skywalker's room.
Ah. There. She'd finally
Got it.
<snip>
She was just about to begin her search for
Skywalker's
diary when she saw that it wasn't even necessary.
Apparently, Skywalker trusted his students enough
to
leave his diary on top of his desk.
Dear Diary: Last night I dreamed one of "those"
dreams
about my sister again...
Allura: This is great stuff for the tabloids! I
gotta get this for sure!
<snip>
Massassi temple because it was the only thing he
could
do. Penin had gotten such a headstart that even
head start
Noted.
tree-hopping hadn't enabled Ranma to catch up to
him.
I'm not getting the timeline here. Just how long
was Ranma gone?
Probably between 4-7 minutes. Hmm, I seem to have
made an error here. Thanks for helping me spot it.
I'll have to correct it in my (in progress) revision
of Chapter 2 (yes, there's another one coming).
<snip>
Penin was unarmed, a mistake of his that Ranma had
readily admitted, and still had the beacon.
Not all that readily really. Maybe:
Penin still had the beacon and Ranma now realised
that leaving him
unarmed had been a mistake.
I'll take it.
<snip>
The brilliance of her lightsaber's blade,
deliberately
chosen for her namesake, became a blur of red as
she
slashed, stealing the offensive right away.
Don't the bad guys pretty much always have red
lightsabers?
Pretty much, yeah, thanks for reminding me.
<snip>
Enraged
by the man's ambush on her and the death of Talna,
she
attacked relentlessly but not recklessly.
Hard to believe
Well, Tavion is a pretty harsh and efficient
taskmaster, much more than compared to canon Soun
Tendo. She'd beaten a lot of 'battle sense' into
Crimson during training.
<snip>
If this was a duel of skill vs skill alone, he
would've eventually won, after a dangerously
prolonged
fight.
Which really means he would have _probably_ won.
Probably... :D
included instructions in extensive lightsaber
dueling,
the fact was that it was flat out impossibe to
impossible
Righty-o
<snip>
Added to
that was the fact of the real, potential harm to
himself if he dissolved said mental shield; in all
likelihood ending in his body exploding from the
sheer, chaotic, uncontrollable power being
released.
May the Lord take a liking to you and blow you up,
real soon!
Heh.
<snip>
was
making good progress as the Massassi Temple was
slowly
growing larger, and was not sparing any attempt at
stealth.
not making any attempt
(to not spare effort is to devote your full
resources)
Alright, though I'm going to completely rewrite that
paragraph.
<snip>
The young Penin didn't know how lucky he was. In
another reality, he and another potential Jedi
trainee
by the unlikely name of Jaden, in order to reach
the
Massassi Temple, would have to go through a couple
of
stormtroopers and one Disciple of Ragnos. In this
life, however, Rosh approached the Temple from
another
direction and thus avoided them by sheer luck.
Then again, he had no weapons and was being chased
by
lightsaber wielding women. Maybe lucky wasn't the
term....
I'd drop those two paragraphs. Concentrate on your
story.
Consider it considered.
<snip>
She was being saturated with the Dark Side and her
speed was still growing. Right now, she was half
again faster than she was normally, without being
Force enchanced while her strength had also been
enhanced
Okay.
<snip>
This Jedi had provided her with a little
amusement,
but time was growing short and she really had
other
things to do. And it really was pathetic; he
could
have used more training.
Probably not, based on what she knows about him. As
far as her senses
are concerned he has minimal Force potential. That
he's managing to
hold off a warriour of the dark side with plenty of
juice indicates that
his training is excellent. It's his innate
capability which is lacking.
Actually what she might think is that if this guy
turned to the dark
side and the greater power that it gives (as she
would see it), he might
actually be a threat.
Great suggestion. Got it.
He could've easily
thrust
his lightsaber into her heart, but there were
questions he wanted to ask of her.
What's the average rainfall in the Yavin basin?
She blinked her eyes at him, completely astounded at
the unexpectedness of the question.
<snip>
And
when she got overconfident, he took advantage of
that
and tricked her! Blast him!
Why doesn't she? She's supposed to be Allura's
rival, but Allura's
already demonstrated she has one power that Crimson
doesn't
particularly. If Allura can do force lightning,
then surely the combat
specialist should be able to. Or maybe telekinesis?
Failing that,
maybe she should try to run. How did she ever hold
her own versus Allura?
All good points; I'll take 'em all! You can be sure
that these are going to help shape the revision of
Chapter 2 and 3.
<snip>
In her current state, she missed
the
fact that the despisable man was glowing faintly
with
despicable
Aight.
<snip>
After a moment's consideration, he decided against
that; she would just slow him down and cost him
precious time. All right, he would just have to
leave
her here in order to check on Penin and see what
his
Why not kill her? Does he plan to come back later
for her?
Even with the Soul of Ice upon him, killing doesn't
come easily to him. AFter all, he could have easily
killed her instead of disarming her.
Then he slapped himself on the forehead. 'Idiot!
What the hell am I doing? She's going to kill you
unless you do something!'
Use your Kirk-like seductive wiles!
Heh, right.
<snip>
Narissa lifted her saber up in an aggressive
forward
stance, holding it above her head with the blade
facing behind her. "Too bad, you are kinda cute.
Pity we're on different sides and I've got my
orders,
anyway, so I'll make this quick."
Rosh: Hey, I'm open to other offers. Does your
side have a good dental
plan?
Narissa: Just stand right there, pretty boy. This
might hurt a bit.... KA-POW! There's your dental plan
for ya!
What
was happening to him that he was certain of was
that
another extra space I think.
<squints> Ah, alright!
<snip>
Jaw slack with amazement, Rosh heard the passage
of
her body as she swept pass bushes, snapped
branches
past
K.
<snip>
could say anything, he dashed into the forest
they'd
just exited like a coward. Then again, her group
did
outnumber and outgun him, so she couldn't blame
him
for retreating.
But did he have to shriek like a little girl?
Ranma: That's one thing I definitely DID not do!
She was too busy dealing with the surprising and
unsettling fact that one, untrained Jedi initiate
If he was really untrained he wouldn't be an
initiate. He'd be a
novice, or perhaps a candidate. (Or a "learner")
Okay.
<snip>
wonder why she even bothered putting all those
five
years of effort into training the younger woman.
All
that, just so she could lose to an untrained
little
snit? Pathetic, extremely pathetic.
snot?
snit.
<snip>
several individuals, possibly five or six." He
grimaced, then continued, "I can almost smell the
remnants their Dark Side stench."
remnants of
Got it.
"So you've had some lightsaber training prior to
coming here? Are you sure they were storm
troopers?"
They could have been some other military force
dressed in white ceramic
armour.
True, I'll add this comment in.
<snip>
Responding to his cries for assistance, Kyle and
Kam
quickly rushed to comply. After some difficulty,
they
managed to extract the young blonde from Penin;
There was a young blonde from Penin
Whose breasts were a sight to be seen...
Nani? :D
<snip>
A hurt expression found its way on Narissa's face.
"W-wh-what kind of monster are you, to say such,
such
BAD things about me like that. In public, no
less!"
As students of the dark side go, she's a bit odd.
Better believe it! Her behavior will be explained
next chapter.
Obviously she dyed it to a less natural colour than
That's part of the answer!
Dave Wong
a.k.a. DarkWing
"Let's get dangerous"
Website: www.geocities.com/darksoar/start.html
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