Dave Wong wrote:

Well I haven't played the game, so you'll only find
C&C on grammar, spelling, that sort of thing. 

The game doesn't matter.

--- David Johnston <rgorman@telusplanet.net> wrote:

I went out looking for fanfic based on the Black and
White computer 
game.  What I found was, needless to say,
disappointing.  A collection 
of journals of other people's games for the most
part.  I think there's 
more potential for exploration than that.

Sharks


"Would have been better if they'd just let the
sharks eat you," the old
man grumbles as he glares at me.

I'm stunned.  The whole town has been showering me
with attention.
The god had descended from the sky to save _me_
after all.
Prophet calls me "the instrument of destiny".  Since

Shouldn't that be "Instrument of Destiny"?  

Yes.

before I was
born the village had been building a temple to his

born,

Yes.

promised god under
his supervision, but I heard my folks talking about
how a lot of people
were grumbling about it.  Now everyone's just glad
that when the god
finally came, he didn't start punishing them for not
having it finished.
   He even helped us build it.  It was amazing to
see those cut stone
blocks float through the air.

Everyone wanted to hear what it felt like to be
lifted safely out of the
water by the god's invisible hand, to touch me like
the
god's...goddiness rubbed off on me.  The matris all

godliness 

Have you no respect for the pun?

Seriously I was trying to write this from the point of view of an 
eight-year old.  Obviously it isn't working.  People are taking it as 
bad writing instead.  I'm going to have to write it from the 
retrospective of his 30 year old self instead.  I hate to lose that pun, 
though.

offer me food.
Matri Kelan actually asked me to bless her baby! 
It's funny, I went
swimming because I was mad everyone was ignoring me.
Now nobody'll
leave me alone.  It was fun at first, but now it's
starting to suck.
Lucky the god saved someone else. Parner's fever got
worse and he went
out of his head and wandered off in the night.  When

Suggest "he took leave of his senses.

Ditto.  Maybe "off his head" instead?  Not it matters if I'm going to 
drop the child's perspective gimmick.

the god brought him
back, everyone went to see and finally left me alone

Suggest "and they finally..."

for a bit.

Then old granther Abd comes along to tell me it
would better if I was
dead.  "What'd I do?" I squawk indignantly.

Yee harsh.

He's a little bitter.

"He doesn't have hands either, but he still carrried
you to shore,
You'll be seeing a set of teeth soon enough, though.
All the gods make
a special pet.  I saw one of them with my own eyes,
a twisted black ram
with blood-red eyes that walked on two legs and ate
men.  Nearly ate me.
 As soon as the gods get a little power together

comma after together

Yes

they take some poor
creature and twist it into a giant half-man
half-beast monster with an
appetite for human flesh.  Every fighting man in the
village put
together is no match for one of 'em once it's full

Suggest "Every fighting man in the village, even if
they fought together.."

Enh.  I don't see a problem with it as written.
Maybe just drop "put".

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