Improved this time around. Nitpicks below:
--- Cute Neko Hibiki <wbanks@jam.rr.com> wrote:
Disclaimer : I don't own Ranma 1/2 or Vampire Princess Yui, they are
owned
by their creators.
The Kyuuketsuki Girl
by
Cute Neko Hibiki
Prologue
It was a dark night in Nerima, it kinda gets that way at night,
with
lots of rain and wind. Ranma had gotten malleted clear out of town
earlier
today, and he was just now getting back. His clothes were soaked as he
trekked back to the dojo.
"Thank Kami-sama for waterproof soap." he muttered as he walked
along.
Show specifically what he's talking about. Sounds weird otherwise.
suggest: "Thank Kami-sama for that waterproof soap."
Just then, he heard a scream from an alleyway.
Running into the alley, he found three men attacking a teen girl.
"Hey, what the heck are you guys doing with that girl!" he shouted.
"Get
your hands offa' her, you lousy bastards!"
The men jumped in startled fright, then they looked at Ranma and
one man
said "You don't want to get involved in this kid. Just turn around and
go
away now. We'll kill this girl, and then go."
suggest removing 'and' from 'and then go.' It's redundant.
Ranma's eyes widened when he heard that. "WHAT?! NO WAY! I AIN'T
GONNA'
^
(extra apostrophe, remove)
LET YOU KILL HER NOW!"
The man looked at him and said "Kid. Look, I know this looks bad.
But
this girl has done great evil, and she has got to die."
Insert some English technobabble here. Remove 'got' from that sentence
and it reads better: 'and she has to die.'
The man looked sad, and there were tears in his eyes, and he spoke
softly. "It has to be done." he said. "I have no choice. Her evil must
comma ^
end."
"Please, help me." said the girl in a trembling, and very
comma ^
frightened
type of voice. "I don't want to die. I don't want to be raped either."
Ranma grew angry at hearing that. "YOU'RE GONNA' RAPE THIS GIRL TOO
NOW!" he shouted. "AND YOU CALL HER EVIL! YOU'RE THE ONLY EVIL I SEE
HERE!"
The man said "I would -never- do that! What type of man do you
think I
am?! I'm just gonna' kill her!"
The second man said "Eeewwwww! I would never do that! Not with
her!"
The third man said "I ain't ever letting one of her filthy -kind-
suggest: "won't" instead of "ain't"
touch
me!"
Ranma looked at the girl, and realized he knew her. He gasped then.
'then' sounds redundant. By putting 'He gasped' into its own sentence,
you're showing that he gasps after realizing he knows the girl. Ergo, no
need for 'then' added after 'He gasped.'
It
was Yuka.
He hadn't recognized her, because of the dim light in the alley.
suggest: He hadn't recognized her at first
Or something similar, since he recognizes her now.
"Yuka?" he asked.
Yuka looked at him and, gasped, then tremblingly asked
"R...R...R...Ranma, i...i...i...is that really y...y....y...you?"
Ranma looked at the men, and said "The girl's a friend of mine, you
comma ^
will
Get rid of will. Not your will, just the one above.
back off!"
The man said "I don't want to do this, but I'll kill you too if I
have
too."
The second is 'to' and not 'too.' The first 'too' is fine.
Ranma nodded, and then blurred. He knocked out the second man, and
nitpick: How does one blur. I mean, seriously... how? Perhaps this should
read 'Ranma nodded, then appeared to blur' or 'Ranma nodded, then became
a blur to the men.'
then
the third man.
He looked at the first man. "You and what army pal, your
unconscious
friends?"
The man looked at him and said "I'm sorry kid, you leave me no
choice."
The man pulled out a gun and shot at him, Ranma barely ducking it.
It sounds like Ranma is ducking the gun here. How about 'Ranma barely
ducked in time.'
I'm sorry, but 'dodged the bullet' is too cliche.
Ranma leapt forward, and knocked the man unconscious then.
suggest moving 'then' to right after 'Ranma.'
He went over to Yuka and helped her up.
"Are you alright Yuka?" he asked.
"Yes, thank you Ranma." Yuka said.
comma ^
"You're cold." Ranma said holding her. "Let's get you inside this
building." He helped her into a door of a warehouse that's in the
alley.
A warehouse in an alley?!! Damn those Japanese real estate moguls!
Actually, the last part can be shortened to 'He helped her into a door of
a warehouse nearby.'
Once inside he said "You need to change out of those wet clothes. I
comma ^
have
some spare clothing in my pack."
"But don't you need to change?" asked Yuka.
"I got more than just one change of clothes." said Ranma.
Yuka nodded, and a little later she was dressed in a set of dry
clothing. So was Ranma. He sat down beside her.
"So, why were those guys trying to kill you, and who were they?"
asked
Ranma.
"They want me dead because of what I am, and they were my father
and his
friends." said Yuka.
She says this with a straight face?
"WHAT?!" asked Ranma. "Your own father?! Man, that's worse than
oyaji!"
"Thank you for saving my life Ranma." said Yuka.
"I couldn't let a friend of mine get hurt." said Ranma.
"You won't want to be my friend when you find out what I am." said
Yuka.
"What do you mean Yuka?" asked Ranma.
Yuka looked at him, and said "Ranma, I'm different, I've become a
comma ^
kyuuketsuki."
Ranma looked at her, and said "You don't seem like one to me."
This would be a great time for Ranma to pull out some holy water just to
make sure. :)
Yuka just said "Look." and showed him her fangs and golden glowing
eyes.
Then she lunged forward, and the last thing Ranma remembered was
Yuka's
fangs sinking into his neck, before he lost consciousness.
To Be Continued...
All right, we got ourselves a prologue! Have to say I miss Vampire
Princess whatshername. Have to dig that one out of its box and re-watch
it someday. Also, I'm still waiting for the next part of Kyuuketsuki
Yomi...
Onto to more C&C!
Later,
Rick "C&C man, to the mailbox!" Spiff
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