Brian Randall wrote:

On 6/30/06, DB Sommer <sommert@connecttime.net> wrote:
 




 

     Something then told
     

drop 'then'. Not needed
   

Can I plead stylism in this instance?  I know it's extraneous, but is
it actually improper?
 

No, I don't think it's improper. Style can encompass doing lots of 
things wrong, after all

     The sun was rising, somewhere.  Ranma assumed it was east of her, but
hadn't really stopped to care since it was bright enough to easily
     

I'd drop easily.

One thing I've noticed about your writing is a lot of adverbs. I think
you can cut back on them some. A lot of them are unncessary and make
things wordy. Just a recommendation.
   

Really?  Hmm.  Well, I have a harder time noticing this (being central
to the writing of my own stuff), but it stands to reason.  I'll warn
you now that I've got a lot of unposted stuff that I haven't had a
chance to take this into account with, but I will try and adress that
issue.  Less adverbs; more stark prose.  Succinct, and to the point.

I'd say I'll try and use it with the Haruhi fic, but it's first person
already, sooo.... ;)

Still, thanks for the heads-up.
 

While I don't prescribe to the theory that 'adverbs are a weak tool for 
the lazy mind' it is easy to overuse them. Most of the time there's 
enough emphasis on the verb that you don't need it. Also I think they 
become a little more emphatic if there's fewer of them.

     Ranma hesitated, but....  She'd already thrown away her honor by
coming here instead of committing seppuku.  It wouldn't find a way to
somehow become more stained.
     

That sentence feels clunky as well
   

"It wasn't as though should could dishonor herself further."?
 

it's the 'somehow become more stained' which is throwing me, but I'm not 
sure if that's much better. Your call

 


You can also interpet it as Ranma being somewhat clueless, and Mutsumi
informing him that, yes, by the way, they are now a couple.  ;)
 

% Yeah, that's probably the best solution.

     "Oh, damn," Ranma muttered, covering his face with his hands and
chuckling.  "You're gonna be a bigger handful than Kitsune, aren't
you?"
     

Mutsumi: Well, yes, my chest is much larger than hers. So I would be a
bigger handful
   

*Someone* had to make that observation! ;)

I'm really tempted to slip in a, "Kitsune-san says so," as a nod to
the hottub scene where Mitsune felt up Naru and Mutsumi to 'test'
them.
 

Heh. Go for it.

d no, I shall not write that lemon.
   

CURSES!  My entire evil plan was thwarted. ;_;
 

% Someone did *the* Mutsumi lemon, called 'Mutsumi Writes a Lemon' but 
i'll de damend if I remember who. I think it was some Tenchi reviewer 
Davner or Cav, maybe? Tw'as most excllent.

     "In all honesty, I couldn't care less about those things,"
     

That's not an answer. That's an evasion.
   

In character?
 

True

     "It means," Motoko said slowly, "that I think Oe-sensei tries to do
good things and fix problems because of a mistake he mentioned he made
once.
     

Ugh! That was awful. I can't see anyone talking quite like the end of
that sentnece. Please reword it somehow
   

Righty-o.  How does this work?:  "It means," Motoko said slowly, "that
I think Oe-sensei tries to do good things and fix problems because of
a mistake in his past.
 

Better

DB Sommer


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