On 6/30/06, DB Sommer <sommert@connecttime.net> wrote:
Might not have had time last week to do this, but I'm making time now.
Why, thank you, Mr. Sommer!
It was all about ki, and the confidence to use it right. He had the
confidence, and the strength; all that remained was to prove it.
Nice bit to open things up. Maybe we'll start getting some solid
explanations about the past since this series is winding down.
What? Hell no, I'm gonna make it way more convoluted! Like that one
fic I wrote, that I don't exactly admit to, even though I am still
trying to keep my promise to complete.... Any day now, really. <_<;;
Mutsumi could tell that Ranma's eyes were on a faraway point, not
seeing the desert around them.
She had read the opening, after all.
Mutsumi: As the muse, I have that privelage.
Finally, he spoke, though his words were just as distant as his gaze.
"I ... was challenging someone to a duel. I had ... had just created
my first ki attack. I'd made...." He shrugged, and his eyes snapped
back to the present, meeting hers. "I made the Mouko Takabisha. It
was because my rival learned another attack, first. And
first, and (recommended, but you might be going for something different
for flow of the speech.
Gotcha. Nah, that'll work.
"But it didn't work quite that way, did it?" Mutsumi asked, the
memories she'd gotten from him during her one drain of his battle aura
suggesting what happened.
That last sentence is clunky. I recommend streamlining it somehow. Maybe
'...memories she'd received from him when she drained his battle....
Ah.... Will do.
"I-" Ryouga's angry protest was cut off by a disappointed, muted
sigh. "Fine," he managed, nearly listlessly. "I see how this is
going to end.
Ah, so like Mutsmi, he pierced the fourth wall and read ahead, eh?
Ryouga: The joys of playing a bit part is that you have time to read
the entire script in advance. Do I even get any more scenes?
Hush, you.
It felt like ... the home's 'wa', that delicate balance between the
house and the family within, was becoming horribly tilted. Not
breaking, at least, not yet. But it was stretching, and would soon be
lost entirely.
And this time, she hadn't a clue what was causing it.
That parses awkward too. 'clue as to the source' perhaps?
That'll work.
Sighing, she headed downstairs, wondering what she would find.
It was a scene right out of the most risque sort of lemons. A scene
which forever scarred her soul and left her asking, 'Can I join in?"
*snrk*
One learns quickly that they cannot both be a prude, and be on the
same list as Mr. Sommer. Perhaps it's for the best. ;)
Something then told
drop 'then'. Not needed
Can I plead stylism in this instance? I know it's extraneous, but is
it actually improper?
The sun was rising, somewhere. Ranma assumed it was east of her, but
hadn't really stopped to care since it was bright enough to easily
I'd drop easily.
One thing I've noticed about your writing is a lot of adverbs. I think
you can cut back on them some. A lot of them are unncessary and make
things wordy. Just a recommendation.
Really? Hmm. Well, I have a harder time noticing this (being central
to the writing of my own stuff), but it stands to reason. I'll warn
you now that I've got a lot of unposted stuff that I haven't had a
chance to take this into account with, but I will try and adress that
issue. Less adverbs; more stark prose. Succinct, and to the point.
I'd say I'll try and use it with the Haruhi fic, but it's first person
already, sooo.... ;)
Still, thanks for the heads-up.
"Just here, I guess," he said, shrugging. "Do you see anyone who
needs saving? I ... got a feeling someone did."
Heh
I wear my heard earned 'heh's from Mr. Sommer like a badge of honor.
Knowing how poorly I generally write humor, it means a lot to me. :)
Ranma hesitated, but.... She'd already thrown away her honor by
coming here instead of committing seppuku. It wouldn't find a way to
somehow become more stained.
That sentence feels clunky as well
"It wasn't as though should could dishonor herself further."?
He blushed slightly, looking away, though he didn't try to escape
>from her embrace. "I am too,"
am, too
Oops!
"I thought we were dating, Ranma," she chastised. "Isn't this how we
should help one another?"
Are they officially dating? I don't remember them saying anything about
it, but it has been a while since I've read this
It's never been officially stated, but there were hints; last chapter
Naru asks if Ranma wants to pass a message to Mutsumi when he calls
her about Keitaro from the island, before that he and Mutsumi were
holding hands on their way back from the entrance test. Ranma's words
were a promise to someday try and tell Mutsumi the entire truth about
what happened to him in the past near the begining of chapter
fourteen.
You can also interpet it as Ranma being somewhat clueless, and Mutsumi
informing him that, yes, by the way, they are now a couple. ;)
"Oh, damn," Ranma muttered, covering his face with his hands and
chuckling. "You're gonna be a bigger handful than Kitsune, aren't
you?"
Mutsumi: Well, yes, my chest is much larger than hers. So I would be a
bigger handful
*Someone* had to make that observation! ;)
I'm really tempted to slip in a, "Kitsune-san says so," as a nod to
the hottub scene where Mitsune felt up Naru and Mutsumi to 'test'
them.
He broke away and spun around nervously, just in time to see Motoko
clearing the trail that led up the cliff, her hat tied to her cloak
and trailing behind her in the breeze of her passage. "Oh, damn," he
growled. Turning back to Mutsumi apologetically, he said, "Look, I--
MMPH!"
She didn't release him from the kiss
Heh. Yeah, she is a lot more decisive, which was one of the reasons
she's so much cooler than everyone else in LH. Or just about anything
else for that matter.
Agreed.
And business was slow enough that she could sip at her drink a few
spots down from Ukyou and Ranma and hear them both. She was turned to
face the door, away from the pair, but she listened intently to the
conversation anyway.
My, quite the jump, there.
Peter Jackson's 'Diamonds in the Rough'. From the Island to the City,
in a single scene change....
"You'll need to introduce me to her better at some point.
Ukyou: Only way to get a proper threesome going.
Mutsumi: Oh, my, that sounds like fun!
Ukyou: Er.... I was kidding.
Mutsumi: I wasn't!
And no, I shall not write that lemon.
CURSES! My entire evil plan was thwarted. ;_;
"W...well...." Minami trailed off uncomfortably. "You promised me
money," she said, shaking her head. "Why do you want to know this,
anyway?"
Hmm. Methinks I can guess who this is.
*Brian fails his subtlety check*
Maaaaaaybe. <_<;;;
"In all honesty, I couldn't care less about those things,"
That's not an answer. That's an evasion.
In character?
Nabiki hid an internal sigh of relief. It wasn't her original plan,
and it was lacking in the subtlety she preferred, but if it came down
to it, she could try and get Mitsune liquored up enough to talk. It
might even be faster than what she had originally intended.
Actually Nabiki should open up first and that would increase the
liklihood of Mitsune doing the same.
This is true. But Nabiki thinks she's got the power of liquor on her side.
Kasumi nodded and stepped out of the changing room to give Akane some
privacy. After changing, she put all of the dirty clothes in the
hamper and checked her reflection to make sure that no shampoo or the
like was still in her hair. The image in the mirror eyed her
critically, and she stuck her tongue out at it. It returned the favor
I would hope. Though magic mirrors are not uncommon in the Ranmaverse
That's true.... I mostly just like the wording there. ^_^;;
In the living room, Akane could see that Tofu and Genma were
strolling across the back yard,
could see Tofu and Genma strolling across (flows better, IMO.
Done.
"Wait," he said, unnatural force in his tone silencing both Akane and
her elder sister. "This is critical." He turned to Akane, and she
felt suddenly intimidated by the glow in his eyes. "You saw your pet
pig. Ranma pulled it from the wreckage of the dojo?"
Yep. I wondered if Soun's knowledge of Ryouga-P-Chan would become
important. Nice to see it has.
Glad this worked for you, then.
"It means," Motoko said slowly, "that I think Oe-sensei tries to do
good things and fix problems because of a mistake he mentioned he made
once.
Ugh! That was awful. I can't see anyone talking quite like the end of
that sentnece. Please reword it somehow
Righty-o. How does this work?: "It means," Motoko said slowly, "that
I think Oe-sensei tries to do good things and fix problems because of
a mistake in his past.
"Keep your eyes open," Haruka advised. "I think things are about to
get very interesting."
Cool. Look forward to seeing how you'll wrap things up
Thanks! Hopefully I'll have another chapter ready in a week or two.
Though, it looks like it's going to take two to wrap up. Thanks again
for taking the time to C&C, Mr. Sommer. As always, it's very much
appreciated.
DB Sommer