On 6/30/06, Glazius Falconar <GlaziusFalconar@peoplepc.com> wrote:
Brian Randall wrote:
(Thankfully Ranma's future kid has not yet punched the universe.)
Hah!
And the irony is, I _can't_ say the same about everything of Ken
Akamatsu's. >_>
Oh, Negima. Yeah, I read that series. I think for almost 13 pages,
before I lost interest.
Ranma: I'm inferring from context that "rhetorical" means "question you
don't want me to answer".
Ryoga: Grr.
Ranma: Are there any questions that doesn't apply to?
Ryoga: Ostension is _also_ depressing.
Is that the word you meant to use there? M-W seems to think it means
something very different.
It's the technique of defining something by pointing out what it is.
Ranma is asking what he believes to be a rhetorical question, since
Ryoga wants him to just shut up and fight.
I think I went about three levels of indirection too far.
Nah, just too far for me. :/
The Shonen Protagonist Cascade Failure Effect.
Good name for it. Yeah, this is kind of a sorry plot device in
retrospect, but the entire fic would have to be rewritten if I went
with something else at this point. :\
Not really. It's practically tradition. Your standard shonen protagonist
is either a stranger in a strange land or just kinda half-assing his way
through life, so any safety net he thinks he has is going to snap when
the shit really hits the fan. And from everything breaking down at once
he either hardens himself and goes out to face the world, or claws
himself back up to a new pattern of half-assing, depending on how the
series is doing in the weekly polls.
I'd hope that fanfiction authors, not needing money from the
producers, could afford to buck the trends. But apparently, I'm not
really doing such a hot job of that. :p
Cynical? Me?
"Wise in the ways of the world," I say.
Yeah, yeah, I know. But this is a suicide scene. You want STARK.
Normally I agree. Kintaro's presence here is supposed to be tied
(loosely) to the gold light, which has significance in a later scene
this chapter. It didn't come out as well as I'd hoped, though;
suggestions?
"the sun was starting to rise, its fiery gold reflected off the water"?
I have no problem with the color, it's the metaphor. The scene is
starkly real, so don't romanticize the sun.
Wasn't an intentional metaphor on my part by any means. As Kintaro
says, it's just meant to be a pretty view. But, I guess it is there.
I'm really not clear on what else to do here, so I just left it with
Ranma turning to look at the horizon. Now only Kintaro looks at the
sunrise (directly) though Ranma faces in that direction. Since it's
Ranma's PoV, there's no actual description, it's only just mentioned.
I suppose this is probably an accidental metaphor, too. Should I just
make the scene midday, and have Kintaro find some other excuse to
stall Ranma until our protaganist can reconsider? I suppose a lot of
factors in this scene are irrelevant, so I can probably strip a lot of
detail out.
Kintaro is the last person on his family's register at this point.
Nodoka went over to Genma's when she married him. I imagine
everyone's already figured it out, though it's never been spelled out
in the fic; Seta's sister was Nodoka/Kintaro's mother. Kintaro is
therefore actually Ranma's uncle. (Which is why Kintaro is not
oogling Ranma; though ... Ranma does not know this.
Man, I had no clue. ^^;
Then again, I've read the thing in fits and starts a month apart and I
don't remember much except the general plot from one installment to the
next.
Yeah, like I said ... I've been dragging this fic on for nearly four
years now....
It's part of the spiel, but ... hmm. How else can I have her phrase
it to make him ask that question? I'll need to think about this part
a bit.
Maybe have her mention one specific incident out of the nine hojillion-
Ryoga: WHERE THE HELL AM I NOW?
Nine hojillion and _one_ times Ryoga got lost.
Went with the duel that Ranma missed to go to China being mentioned
specifically.
Setting up the two-page splash doesn't work that well in text.
"Look at this splash panel full of implied action! I could read
another fifty pages of this...."
Oh, right. Ah.... I'll omit that second line.
HUGE HUGE HUGE!
Dude, can you even reach down here?
Huge, you are a meat marvel.
Would Kasumi use that emphasis? :p
Though, really, she just wants Tofu to distract him. Should I revise?
"Could you... distract... Saotome-san?"
That works better. She's Kasumi, so of course she's going to be very
hesitant about potential negative action against anyone.
I like that. Thanks for the suggestion!
How is that different from having been in, say, a knock-down-drag-out
fight with a takoyaki chef in an octopus mask?
Well, one would probably leave tears in her clothes, and she wouldn't
(probably) be bruised from running. I'll say, "as though she had
slept in it, or hadn't slept all night".
Mm.... That still needs to be reworked. I'll figure something out.
"as though she had slept in it. Or maybe _hadn't_ slept, thought
Shinobu, noticing the bags under her eyes"
Works?
Yeah, should focus more on signs of exhaustion. Thanks again!
Would it be acceptable to say it's explained in the next chapter? Or
should I put that in right here? There are hints, if you read the
entire story; the gold has to do with Kintaro, and Ranma's first
conversation on the rooftop in private with Motoko can give hints to
much of the rest (chapter ... 2 or three, IIRC). But the explanation
comes later, as currently planned.
I think the only word I actually had trouble with in the pyrotechnics
was "dangerously close", describing the black flame. Haruka's looking at
it for a flickering instant and she doesn't know what it is or why it
might be dangerous.
I mean, okay, here's the mental image I've got of the scene as
described, being as detailed as I can.
The bracers explode in a swirling flash of colored flames. Two green
streaks of flame skitter down Ranma's arms like spent shell casings,
trick off his shoulder blades, and wink out in mid-air. The bracers are
burning like a ki-blowtorch , white flame peeking through the joints and
gathering at Ranma's hands.
Ranma himself is sheathed in dull gold fire, rather subtle compared to
the white blaze, and there's the occasional dark spark, maybe skipping
along a seam in his clothing, half moving, half being drawn toward the
bracers. Ranma inhales, exhales, and the gold flames on his arm surge
up, crowding into the black ones which vanish underneath the scrum.
Inhales, exhales, and a little wave of golden flamelets crests in from
his extremities, carrying the little bits of blackness toward his heart
and burying them in a crush of gold. Inhales, exhales...
Then he taps Mitsune and she goes up like flash paper.
That's what I was hoping to evoke. I went ahead and dropped the
difficult words; they didn't add much.
"detoxed", maybe. Unless Ranma made her liver bright and shiny or something.
'restored'? Detoxed could work, but somehow doesn't scan as well as I'd like.
"Restored" works. "Detox" is accurate but too clinical.
Oh, good....
The thing is that _I buy it_. I can see it, potentially, happening. And
I also buy them not really talking about the incident for two years, at
least not deep enough to piece together what else might have gone on,
since the two guys who know what really happened aren't in a position to
tell anybody. It's like an old wound that you don't want to get close to
for fear it'll reopen.
You're not under any obligation to put the little flag-waving
Hayashibara fanboy in my heart at ease, so don't worry about him.
Yeah, but he's a friend, you know? So I have to at least listen. ;)
. . .
Okay, I just had a really weird idea. I mean, REALLY weird.
Uncle Kentaro shows up and helps out onna-Ranma, and maybe actually
reveals some of his history. And onna-Ranma's just happy to have some
member of his/her family around who isn't trying to kick his/her ass.
Then through an increasingly unlikely series of misunderstandings
Ranma's entire fiancee squad comes to believe that Ranma's gone gay for
Kentaro. (The rumor is started and eagerly spread by Kodachi, who has
the largest doujin collection in Tokyo.) I mean, it makes sense, right,
with how nervous he always is around girls, nudge nudge, wink wink?
Akane doesn't believe it until she finds them naked in a compromising
position, and then he gets knocked through the dojo.
And then Nodoka on learning of the curse believes her no-good pervert of
a brother planned the whole thing and begins making slicing motions.
The whole thing comes to a head when somebody finds an old family album,
and doesn't this guy look just like the one who - aw crap.
Nabiki, meanwhile, catches wind of Kentaro at Todai and looks to get the
band back together so her sister can stop being so full of regrets all
the damn time, and gets severely pissed because it looks like Ukyo's
found him first.
. . .
The thing is, that's not a bad idea at all. But it does conflict with
how the resolution of the fic works out. Specifically, Kintaro's got
a ... very strained relationship with Nodoka. He hints at it on
occasion, and it's part of the major revelation that's all lined up to
hit the fan in the conclusion.
But all that is just kinda sketchy back-of-the-napkin shit, you know? If
nothing in that particularly calls to you, just keep on doing what
you're doing and I'll be happy to keep reading.
I do like it, though. It's something for me to think about.
Again, thanks for taking the time to comment; it's very much appreciated. :)
--GF