Might not have had time last week to do this, but I'm making time now.

Brian Randall wrote:

	A flash of lightning split the darkness, muted thunderclaps rolling
in seconds behind. From his position on the worn wooden floor of the
dojo, Ranma flexed his hands.

	Ki. That was the secret to this battle.

	It was all about ki, and the confidence to use it right. He had the
confidence, and the strength; all that remained was to prove it.
 

Nice bit to open things up. Maybe we'll start getting some solid 
explanations about the past since this series is winding down.

	Mutsumi could tell that Ranma's eyes were on a faraway point, not
seeing the desert around them.

She had read the opening, after all.

Not feeling the heat, the angry sun
beating down on them mercilessly.

	Finally, he spoke, though his words were just as distant as his gaze.
"I ... was challenging someone to a duel.  I had ... had just created
my first ki attack.  I'd made...."  He shrugged, and his eyes snapped
back to the present, meeting hers.  "I made the Mouko Takabisha.  It
was because my rival learned another attack, first.  And 

first, and (recommended, but you might be going for something different 
for flow of the speech.

I needed to
make that move just to counter him."

	"But it didn't work quite that way, did it?" Mutsumi asked, the
memories she'd gotten from him during her one drain of his battle aura
suggesting what happened.
 

That last sentence is clunky. I recommend streamlining it somehow. Maybe 
'...memories she'd received from him when she drained his battle....

	"That was rhetorical, too!"

	"Man, I didn't realize how annoying the Shishi Houkodan made you,"
Ranma sighed, rolling his eyes.  "You ready to get smashed, or what?"

	"I-"  Ryouga's angry protest was cut off by a disappointed, muted
sigh.  "Fine," he managed, nearly listlessly.  "I see how this is
going to end. 

Ah, so like Mutsmi, he pierced the fourth wall and read ahead, eh?

Let's just get this over with."

	"Fine by me!"

	***

	In the house, Kasumi listened to the raindrops beat on the roof, and
glanced to the ceiling of her room.  Slumber eluded her for some
reason; usually the sound of falling rain lulled her into a deeper
sleep, but tonight it simply wouldn't come.

	She blew out a small sigh of irritation and rose, wondering why.

	It felt like ... the home's 'wa', that delicate balance between the
house and the family within, was becoming horribly tilted.  Not
breaking, at least, not yet.  But it was stretching, and would soon be
lost entirely.

	And this time, she hadn't a clue what was causing it. 

That parses awkward too. 'clue as to the source' perhaps?

	Sighing, she headed downstairs, wondering what she would find. 

It was a scene right out of the most risque sort of lemons. A scene 
which forever scarred her soul and left her asking, 'Can I join in?"

	Something then told

drop 'then'. Not needed

	The sun was rising, somewhere.  Ranma assumed it was east of her, but
hadn't really stopped to care since it was bright enough to easily
 

I'd drop easily.

One thing I've noticed about your writing is a lot of adverbs. I think 
you can cut back on them some. A lot of them are unncessary and make 
things wordy. Just a recommendation.

	"Just here, I guess," he said, shrugging.  "Do you see anyone who
needs saving?  I ... got a feeling someone did."
 

Heh

	Ranma hesitated, but....  She'd already thrown away her honor by
coming here instead of committing seppuku.  It wouldn't find a way to
somehow become more stained. 

That sentence feels clunky as well

	He blushed slightly, looking away, though he didn't try to escape

>from her embrace.  "I am too,"

am, too

	"I thought we were dating, Ranma," she chastised.  "Isn't this how we
should help one another?"

 

Are they officially dating? I don't remember them saying anything about 
it, but it has been a while since I've read this

	"Oh, damn," Ranma muttered, covering his face with his hands and
chuckling.  "You're gonna be a bigger handful than Kitsune, aren't
you?"
 

Mutsumi: Well, yes, my chest is much larger than hers. So I would be a 
bigger handful

	He broke away and spun around nervously, just in time to see Motoko
clearing the trail that led up the cliff, her hat tied to her cloak
and trailing behind her in the breeze of her passage.  "Oh, damn," he
growled.  Turning back to Mutsumi apologetically, he said, "Look, I--
MMPH!"

	She didn't release him from the kiss 

Heh. Yeah, she is a lot more decisive, which was one of the reasons 
she's so much cooler than everyone else in LH. Or just about anything 
else for that matter.

	***

	Minami had generally learned to mind her own business, and understood
that for whatever reason her employer didn't like to discuss some
parts of her past.  But she was relatively free with information when
Ranma was around, especially on those rare occasions he came alone,
instead of with all of his friends.

	And business was slow enough that she could sip at her drink a few
spots down from Ukyou and Ranma and hear them both.  She was turned to
face the door, away from the pair, but she listened intently to the
conversation anyway.
 

My, quite the jump, there.

	"You'll need to introduce me to her better at some point.  

Ukyou: Only way to get a proper threesome going.

And no, I shall not write that lemon.

	"He broke up with this Konno?" the voice asked, suddenly eager and demanding.

	"W...well...."  Minami trailed off uncomfortably.  "You promised me
money," she said, shaking her head.  "Why do you want to know this,
anyway?"
 

Hmm. Methinks I can guess who this is.

	"I suppose you think you're shrewd, but you don't hold all the cards
here," Minami warned.  "I've seen your type enough; you think you know
everything about how this works.  Look, Ukyou is my boss.  I'm not
telling you anything else, unless you can promise me that you're not
trying to hurt her, or me, or the restaurant."

	"In all honesty, I couldn't care less about those things," 

That's not an answer. That's an evasion.

	Nabiki hid an internal sigh of relief.  It wasn't her original plan,
and it was lacking in the subtlety she preferred, but if it came down
to it, she could try and get Mitsune liquored up enough to talk.  It
might even be faster than what she had originally intended.
 

Actually Nabiki should open up first and that would increase the 
liklihood of Mitsune doing the same.

	Her older sister wore a look of amusement and sympathy.  Akane
couldn't help but blush.  "I lost track of time completely," she
admitted.  "I'll just dress, then."

	Kasumi nodded and stepped out of the changing room to give Akane some
privacy.  After changing, she put all of the dirty clothes in the
hamper and checked her reflection to make sure that no shampoo or the
like was still in her hair.  The image in the mirror eyed her
critically, and she stuck her tongue out at it.  It returned the favor
 

I would hope. Though magic mirrors are not uncommon in the Ranmaverse

and Akane snorted, turning away.

	In the living room, Akane could see that Tofu and Genma were
strolling across the back yard,

could see Tofu and Genma strolling across (flows better, IMO.

	"Wait," he said, unnatural force in his tone silencing both Akane and
her elder sister.  "This is critical."  He turned to Akane, and she
felt suddenly intimidated by the glow in his eyes.  "You saw your pet
pig.  Ranma pulled it from the wreckage of the dojo?"
 

Yep. I wondered if Soun's knowledge of Ryouga-P-Chan would become 
important. Nice to see it has.

	"It means," Motoko said slowly, "that I think Oe-sensei tries to do
good things and fix problems because of a mistake he mentioned he made
once. 

Ugh! That was awful. I can't see anyone talking quite like the end of 
that sentnece. Please reword it somehow

	"Keitaro," Haruka said, narrowing her eyes.  "I know you've been
practicing with Seta while you were on that island.  I'm going to let
you have that sword you used during the play."  His only response was
to look very confused.  "Mutsumi, thank you for watching over Oe.  I
doubt he pays enough attention to his own well-being."

	"I think it's charming," she murmured in reply.  "But yes.  If he
won't take better care of himself, I suppose I'll do it for him."

	"What ... about me?" Naru asked, glancing between Keitaro and Mutsumi.

	"Keep your eyes open," Haruka advised.  "I think things are about to
get very interesting."
 

Cool. Look forward to seeing how you'll wrap things up

DB Sommer


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