--- "Joel N. Fischoff" <petrukio@rcn.com> wrote:

according to Brakiss's information, it was at the
other side of the building.

*What* was on the other side of the building?  I
read the other chapters, 
but I'm afraid I don't remember. <grin>

Heh, guess I'll have to reword that.  Thanks for
catching it!

trouble.  Ironically, it was her belief that the
infiltration would've been nearly impossible had

she

attempted it during the night, when everyone
congregated in the Academy.

What's so ironic about this?  It feels like this
sentence isn't complete.

Wrong choice of word, dang it :D

the instructor's rooms and had worn it over her

very

distinctive black cloak.

Hm.  I'd think that'd *draw* attention rather than
keep it away.  It would 
make her look 'thicker' than a normal person of her
species.  Perhaps she 
should stash her cloak somewhere instead?  I mean,
it's not like they're 
going to have difficulty figuring out its the Sith
after-the-fact, neh?

Good point.

Next time, she swore to be assigned to a mission

that

would provide a bit more ..... action.  Though she
wasn't the combat addicted freak that Crimson was,

she

did enjoy the thrill of a good fight as it helped
break the everyday boredom of life.

Later, she would wish that she had been the one
outside and Crimson the one 
inside.  That would have been fun.  Because I can
already tell that Ranma 
is so going to kick Crimson's ass six ways from
Sunday.

Just you wait when Allura starts to get on Crimson's
case next chapter (possibly)

In the Disciples of Ragnos, it was a well known

fact

that many of them, for their own personal reasons,

had

changed their names.  Allura had joined before her
rival had, but by the time Tendou had officially

taken

her place as one of Tavion's two disciples, a

running

joke had sprung up about there being two Crimsons

for

one job.  She hated that pathetic excuse of

witticism

and had no qualms about letting her displeasure be
known, via a Force lightning attack.

Hm.  This one was a little confusing, and might need
a little work.  What 
I've gathered, after rereading a couple of times, is
that Allura is Akane. 
'Aka' being 'red' in Japanese, that is.  If this is
the case, why is she 
thinking of herself in the third person?

Hm.  Actually, maybe it's Crimson that's Akane.  You
mentioned that Allura 
had red skin, which would also fit the bill.  In any
case, this is a bit 
confusing.  And worse, I'm not sure how to fix it.

Okay, I'll clear that up in the revision.

for a finishing technique.  She was confiden that

it

confident

the fact was that it was flat out impossibe to

impossible

attack she threw at him and commiting them to

memory

committing

about a hundred feet in distance.  When he reached

the

in the distance

bottom, he would have to climbing up the Temple

steps

climb

Rosh felt an invisible wave of .... something

suddenly

burst out of his hands and picked her up as if she

pick

That's what I get for forgetting to spellcheck the
damn thing before sending it... sigh.

"Damn, he didn't have to hit me so hard," she

cursed,

I imagine he would have laughed had he heard that. 
'You were going to kill 
me, you crazy Sith bitch!'

You know it! :D

please get her off, get her off before she kills

me,

Get her off?  I got the idea that that's what she
wanted Rosh to do for 
HER! ;)

Too bad Rosh ain't exactly willing.... heh

Heh.  I'm enjoying this too, though I'm not familiar
at all with the games 
(?) that this is based on.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.  I gotta keep in mind that
not everyone is familiar with half of the other
source.  Thanks for C&C'ing!

Joel 

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