On 6/29/06, Glazius Falconar <GlaziusFalconar@peoplepc.com> wrote:
Yeah, this is the one I'm cheating a little on the whole "non-Ranma"
thing. I'm hoping that it winds up being useful at this late date.
Yeah, it's too bad Ranma seems to have fallen out of favor with the
list ... I still have a few more stories to finish up. :/
As the only C&C I've recieved on this chapter yet, it's quite welcome. :)
Brian Randall wrote:
> It was all about ki, and the confidence to use it right. He had the
> confidence, and the strength; all that remained was to prove it.
And if you swap "confidence" and "ki" in that introduction, it's still
just as true.
Interesting point.
> Note: I screwed up and thought that Ranma was introduced to his
> mother before the Shishi Houkodan arc. Erm. Assume that it's an alt,
> and my thoughts are correct for this story (because they are). -_-
Eh, Ranma's like Superman. Up to a point it doesn't matter what order
the stories happen in because the status quo seeps back in in between them.
(Thankfully Ranma's future kid has not yet punched the universe.)
Hah!
> "But it didn't work quite that way, did it?" Mutsumi asked, the
> memories she'd gotten from him during her one drain of his battle aura
> suggesting what happened.
Feels awkward. I think you need to reorder it so she digs up the memory
first, though Mutsumi is no stranger to proactive sympathy.
Will do.
> "What are you talking about?" Ryouga asked from the doorway,
> befuddled. "And what are you doing in Okinawa, Ranma?"
Ranma: If this were Okinawa there'd be palm trees and tropical drinks!
Ryoga: ::point::
Principal Kuno: Aloha!
Ranma: I never thought I'd regret kicking him through the fence.
Heh!
> He considered for a moment, and then grinned. "When I'm-"
>
> "That was rhetorical, too!"
Ranma: I'm inferring from context that "rhetorical" means "question you
don't want me to answer".
Ryoga: Grr.
Ranma: Are there any questions that doesn't apply to?
Ryoga: Ostension is _also_ depressing.
Is that the word you meant to use there? M-W seems to think it means
something very different.
> It felt like ... the home's 'wa', that delicate balance between the
> house and the family within, was becoming horribly tilted. Not
> breaking, at least, not yet. But it was stretching, and would soon be
> lost entirely.
This is like an episode of Voyager, where the time-travel caused the
problem that caused the time-travel that caused the problem that caused
the- and there's 60 minutes!
Contrived, you say?
...yeah. I started this one like, four years ago, though....
Two-to-three chapters from completion, now. o_o
> And this time, she hadn't a clue what was causing it. On silent
> feet, she padded to her door, pausing to cinch up a warm robe before
> stepping into the hallway. Her sister's doors were both snugly shut,
like that means anything. Everybody and their grandmother sneaks into
Akane's bedroom.
HAH!
Nabiki: It helps that I've been selling tickets.
> Something told her that her precious wa was going to be broken by
> events within the dojo, and she steeled her resolve again, walking to
> the training hall's door. As she reached to touch it, she paused,
> hearing Ryouga's sad, rumbling voice, "It's hopeless," he groaned. "I
> can't ... you just saw my move and learned it."
Ranma: What are you talking about? I took a course in public works at
the community college. Brochure?
Ryoga: I've been COMMERCIALIZED?! ::angst::
Dr. Hibiki is a _real_ doctor!
Ryouga: WHO ARE YOU?
(Bonus points for anyone who catches this one....)
> And then it crashed down, and Kasumi only saw green fire. She had
> enough time to scream before the emerald inferno gave way to soothing
> darkness.
And now the other shoe drops.
I believe this could happen. There's this little niggling voice in the
back of my head, though. More later.
Alrighty.
> "Come on, come on, Kasumi, you have to be alright, you can't have
> gotten hurt by something so stupid!"
>
> The voice hiccupped, almost on the verge of a sob, and she realized
> that it was her own.
Good first-person description of stress.
Thanks!
> There! One of the timbers shifted; Ranma threw all thought aside and
> began tearing the rubble away with reckless abandon. "Kasumi!" she
> called, as distant lightning flashed. "You gotta be alright!"
Hmm.
If you wanted to get some dread on in Kasumi's prologue you could have a
couple of lightning flashes hit in between the ki-blasts.
I'll go with that.
> "This is too far, Ranma," he growled. "I've abided much, but
> bringing harm to Kasumi crosses a line I cannot forgive. I think you
> had best leave -- now."
Come on, give the man a battle aura! This is one time he actually
deserves it!
Good call. I'll say it's bright red.
> "Was that ... how you left your old ... life?" Mutsumi asked gently,
> staring deep into Ranma's emotion-clouded eyes.
That's a very James T. Kirk place for a pause.
I've ... been told I, often pause ... too much in ... my, dialogue. I
should, try to ... cut down on, that ... don't you, think? ;)
But you're right. A couple of other places in this chapter are a bit
excessive about it, as well.
> "Oh, my," Mutsumi murmured, her eyes widening. "But you obviously
> didn't...." She trailed off and looked at Ranma, leaving the question
> unspoken.
Ranma: Well, that's the weird thing. Apparently my ancestors were born
in the highlands of Scotland.
Mutsumi: *draws a two-handed greatsword with a watermelon-symbol on
the pommel* Shine, kudesai, Ranma-kun!
> "She ... didn't know about the curse," Ranma said quietly, looking
> away. "She thought my curse was just some girl. I ... I used that to
> ask her if she thought I was good enough, and...."
The Shonen Protagonist Cascade Failure Effect.
Good name for it. Yeah, this is kind of a sorry plot device in
retrospect, but the entire fic would have to be rewritten if I went
with something else at this point. :\
> "Oh," she murmured, dropping his hand, and scooting closer, putting
> her arms about him and holding him close.
And getting sand in places where sand should not go. Desert, remember?
Mutsumi: That's okay! Mitsune dressed us up for it!
Ranma: Chafing ... pain ... can't ... discuss....
Mutsumi: Would you like me to splash you with cold water for that?
Ranma: NO!
> The sun was rising, somewhere.
And Jimmy Buffet could tell you it's five o'clock, somewhere.
Er, too melodramatic? ^_^;;
> Eventually, she'd found one, and now stood over an impressive segment
> of the Tokyo harbor.
They build bridges over the Tokyo harbor?
Portions of it, near Chiba, IIRC. Lemme double check with Dr. Google.
YES! I remembered correctly!
http://www.matsuo-bridge.co.jp/english/bridges/catalog/transtokyo.shtm
Well, bridge, singular.
> She doubted the fall would do more than bruise,
> unless she landed just so. She also doubted that her reflexes would
> help her in the endeavor. "Just think positive," she mumbled to
> herself, climbing up onto the suspension bridge's railing, and staring
> at the water, far, far below. "Even Akane could do this."
Ranma: Let's just hope that not ONLY Akane could do this.
Edward Elric: I thought I could, but I turned out to be wrong.
Al: >_<
> "Not really," he said, shaking his head. Ranma frowned. Her shirt
> was torn open, nearly exposing all of her chest. But the man's eyes
> were locked firmly on hers, not straying for the slightest moment.
Who is this man, and what has he done with Oe Kintaro?
Kintaro: Family is different.
Though, this would normally be very OOC for Kintaro, you're right.
> "Why not wait until after the sun finishes rising?" the man asked.
> "Go with that last sight, if you have to."
Tokyo Harbor faces east?
No, but it's wide enough that it still works (technically, the sun
would be coming up over Chiba, but that lessens the dramatic effect).
> "You sure don't seem much for talkin' me out of it," Ranma muttered,
> staring at the horizon, where the first bits of fiery gold began to
> crest.
And after the invasion fleet flew overhead, the sun came up!
Yeah, yeah, I know. But this is a suicide scene. You want STARK.
Normally I agree. Kintaro's presence here is supposed to be tied
(loosely) to the gold light, which has significance in a later scene
this chapter. It didn't come out as well as I'd hoped, though;
suggestions?
> Ranma hesitated, but.... She'd already thrown away her honor by
> coming here instead of committing seppuku. It wouldn't find a way to
> somehow become more stained. "Sure," she finally said, turning
> around. "But if you think I'm just some girl, you got another thing
> coming, Pal. Some hot water, and we'll see if you still want to teach
> me."
I forget, is Kintaro on his family's register or not?
Kintaro is the last person on his family's register at this point.
Nodoka went over to Genma's when she married him. I imagine
everyone's already figured it out, though it's never been spelled out
in the fic; Seta's sister was Nodoka/Kintaro's mother. Kintaro is
therefore actually Ranma's uncle. (Which is why Kintaro is not
oogling Ranma; though ... Ranma does not know this.
> "I...." Ranma didn't even know what he was going to say, and let the
> attempt at speech die. After a moment of hesitation, he sighed and
> admitted, "No. It's my fault, too. I picked the fight with him. I
> was the one that thought we could do it in the dojo. All because I
> was impatient and it was raining."
And because you tended to catch most of his stuff with your face. I
mean, did anybody know about the Perfect ShiShiHokodan until Ryoga set
Furinkan up the bomb?
Cologne: Mrs. Not-appearing-in-this-fic mighta known! Gall durned
whipersnappers. And why exactly did Shampoo let him get away, anyhow?
Never would have happened on my watch!
> "Yeah that's--" Ranma suddenly broke off, and edged out of Mutsumi's
> grip, looking at her strangely. "No, actually, I didn't mention
> that." He swallowed nervously and asked, "How much ... do you
> remember of ... of my life?"
Was that internal narration above part of his spiel for Mutsumi? If so,
then the mentions of Ryoga always being late and him thinking he's in
Okinawa might hint rather strongly at Ryoga's position being rather
indeterminate.
It's part of the spiel, but ... hmm. How else can I have her phrase
it to make him ask that question? I'll need to think about this part
a bit.
...also, does Hinako suck up actual life experiences? I know she tapped
a font of emotion at one point.
Unclear. I'm going with the hints in Love Hina that Mutsumi may
actually have some minor esper-like powers, or just a profound sense
of empathy, which the technique simply amplifies. As an aside, did
anyone notice that when Keitaro realized Mutsumi knew about the secret
passages, he asked if she could read minds? Suggesting he already
knew about them? (I actually went with that in this fic, if you read
back to before Mutsumi's arrival.)
> His blush deepened, and he stared at the horizon. "I'm gonna die,"
> he muttered. "That's so embarrassing."
WELL, WE _ARE_ ALL GOING TO DIE.
Ranma: Yeah, but not because of.... Ooog.
Mutsumi: Anyway, you did it wrong. *splashes Ranma with cold water*
Let me show you....
Ranma: Kyaaa~! Oooh! I think I really am gonna die!
> "Oh yeah," Ranma said quietly. "Man. I'm dumb about stuff like
this."
Haven't learned much about life, have you?
Ranma: Wait, you mean, I'm still not getting the key point Kintaro was
trying to teach me?
> "Oh, that naughty one, I didn't," she said, her smile widening. "I
> just guessed. That's what I'd probably do if I were a boy who got
> turned into a girl."
Ah, Mutsumi logic.
^_^
> "Well, I got you to laugh a little, so maybe! But, Ranma-kun, let's
> go down to the beach. It's hot here, and you should get something to
> drink."
Oasis, right? Because they're in a desert? I seem to recall it was an
enclosed desert in the original.
Yep.
> As she stepped towards him, she stumbled slightly, and he moved
> forward to catch her carefully, the two ending with faces a
> hairsbreadth apart. His eyes widened slightly, as she smiled up at
> him, her breath tickling his jaw line. Her lips pursed slightly, as
> her eyes drifted closed. He leaned towards her to-
>
> "...Oe-sensei!"
>
> He broke away and spun around nervously, just in time to see Motoko
> clearing the trail that led up the cliff, her hat tied to her cloak
> and trailing behind her in the breeze of her passage. "Oh, damn," he
> growled. Turning back to Mutsumi apologetically, he said, "Look, I--
> MMPH!"
>
> She didn't release him from the kiss until he could hear Motoko's
> footsteps drawing close, and then faltering. "Gah," he gasped. "Urk.
> Don't kill me!"
Nice little moment.
Thanks. :D
> Ranma blinked. "Oh," he said. "That is good. I think. Wait! No
> bandit beatdown?"
Motoko: The original plan didn't call for us to get beaten down by
bandits, either.
"beating on bandits" if you want to keep the alliteration.
Gotcha.
> Something had changed, Shinobu realized, as she dabbled her feet in
> the pond at the base of the waterfall, looking at the trail behind
> her.
"Dabbled". For some reason I have the idea that this doesn't actually
apply to real things. Like, you dabble in a field of study.
The image the verb gives me is Shinobu sitting on the edge of the
waterfall pond, dangling her feet down as the little waves from the
waterfall break against them. It is not an active process.
As such "dangled" seems more reasonable than something like "dipped".
"Dabbled" doesn't seem to fit.
Dangled is our winner, this round.
> Motoko descended first, a handful of bounding leaps that carried
> her down, and then across the valley floor to Keitaro.
"Bounding" gives me the impression of height. Do you want that or a
bunch of low, quick, arcs like a skipped stone?
Well, she's bounding down the cliff first, then running along the
oasis floor. I'll clarify that.
Not sure what participle goes in there, though.
Gah. I'd better double-check.
> "Well, clean, then," Shinobu decided. "We'll leave the oasis neat
> for the next people who come here."
Old Boy Scout rule: never go away and leave a fire burning.
I remember those days....
> Keitaro glanced up from where he was busily packing up some of Seta's
> equipment, Naru watching him curiously. "We're coming back," he
> offered. "Or sending someone back. We're not done with this site, we
> just ... er ... need to get back to town in time to submit our exam
> tickets."
Looking to pick up that lucrative internship credit, is he?
Ooooh yeah.
> "Yo," Ranma called as he and Mutsumi reached the base of the cliff,
> Mutsumi finally releasing his hand.
Ranma: I have a feeling I may come to regret teaching her that silence
pressure point.
That structure makes it seem like Mutsumi letting go is what makes him talk.
Right. The silence pressure point was from a different fic. Did I
post that here? No, actually.... Er.... Huh.
> Ranma blinked and scratched his head. When he was a handful of steps
> away from Shinobu, Mutsumi standing beside him still, he shrugged. "I
> guess everything's gonna work out after all," he decided.
Setting up the two-page splash doesn't work that well in text.
"Look at this splash panel full of implied action! I could read
another fifty pages of this...."
Oh, right. Ah.... I'll omit that second line.
> Minami had generally learned to mind her own business, and understood
> that for whatever reason her employer didn't like to discuss some
> parts of her past. But she was relatively free with information when
> Ranma was around, especially on those rare occasions he came alone,
> instead of with all of his friends.
My mind stripped gears there for a second, but she's talking about the
Hinata group, right?
Yes.
> And business was slow enough that she could sip at her drink a few
> spots down from Ukyou and Ranma and hear them both.
Seats down, right?
Oops....
> She was turned to
> face the door, away from the pair, but she listened intently to the
> conversation anyway.
Just "she had her back to them" would work.
Alrighty.
> Ranma fidgeted for a moment, and Ukyou heaved an exasperated sigh.
> "Come on, you lug. Who is she?"
Ukyo: That, or you've started wearing watermelon perfume for some
reason, and I really doubt that would ever happen.
Ranma: As it turns out, I'd never had a job as an exotic danger, but
Aniki did, so I thought I'd give it a try....
Ukyou: You're.... You're a male stripper?
Ranma: Uh, no, see, like my brother before me, I'm a female stripper.
Ukyou: That's ... one way to use your curse, I guess.
Ranma: Actually, see, um, he didn't use the curse, so I'm not either....
Man, that was the most scarring volume of the Goldenboy manga yet. o_o
> Minami took that opportunity to peek behind her. Ranma stared into
> his plate, face slightly pink. Ukyou looked at him, and was smiling,
> but Minami could see that it didn't completely reach her eyes. She
> turned away quickly, before she was spotted.
Minami can read a lot into a quick glance.
"Ukyo smiled at him, but it was the same empty smile she gave all the
customers."
...then again, given Ukyo, her "customer service smile" would probably
be pretty happy, wouldn't it? Hmm.
I'm going with Minami being perceptive. ;)
> "Looking forward to it," Ukyou replied earnestly. "You be sure to
> bring your new girl along so I can get to know her better, alright?"
I would give a lot to look in Ukyo's head, right now.
Oh, well, this is groundwork for later chapters....
> "Yeah." The chef flashed her a smile. "I need some time to think.
> I'll just clean up while I'm doing it. There's no one else here right
> now anyway."
I would give a _lot_ to look in Ukyo's head, right now.
Not far later, thankfully.
> "Okay, Boss," Minami agreed, thinking of her plans for after work.
Minami: I'm going to go to a place and do an activity!
You can't be specific for obvious plot-related suspense reasons, so
don't be generic either.
Got it. Since it's revealed later in the same scene anyway, I have
her now just ruminating over what she heard.
> Minami giggled and nodded; the area was low on crime in general.
> When a handful of thugs had actually appeared within shouting distance
> of the restaurant once,
wearing animal masks, right? They always wear animal masks.
Always.
> "When I want something, I generally get it," the woman said,
> straightening up and striding towards Minami. She reflexively took a
> step back, stopping when the other woman did, still shrouded in shadow
> and somehow more ominous apart from the walls of the buildings around
> her. "What do you have for me?"
Minami: Aren't we going to do the secret password thing?
Woman: Fine. The caged whale knows nothing of the mighty deeps.
Minami: . . . I think my alleyway is the next street down.
HAH!
> "Everything," she said humorlessly.
Minami: In the beginning was nothing, and the darkness swallowed the
face of the void. Then-
Woman: A smaller subset of everything.
Minami: In the lands called Middle-Earth-
Woman: Everything about _Ranma_!
Minami: "Once upon a time, there was a mighty and terrible king, and
he had three beautiful daughters..."
Woman: Oy, vey.
> "He broke up with this Konno?" the voice asked, suddenly eager
and demanding.
Aw, she's just a firm believer in open relationships.
Heh!
> "I suppose you think you're shrewd, but you don't hold all the cards
> here," Minami warned. "I've seen your type enough; you think you know
> everything about how this works.
Minami: don'tcallthebluffdon'tcallthebluff
Nabiki: I think I beat your best bluff roll when I take 10 on Sense Motive.
Minami: ;_;
> "Well, that was a poor choice for a false name," Minami said,
> suddenly smiling.
Hey, give her points for not using "Nanashi".
Some. ;)
> Then the woman moved, emerging from the shadow, and Minami saw the
> hand reaching for her shoulder. There was a brief notice of the
> woman's clean business suit, shoulder-length brown hair, and then an
> immeasurable anger burning in her eyes.
"Notice" seems like the wrong word there. Would "flash" work?
Glimpse, I think.
> Minami spun violently,
> dizzied, and not sure what had happened until she felt an arm snake
> around her neck from behind and yank her back in a chokehold. She was
> dragged into the alley, drumming her heels on the sidewalk but not
> able to make a noise louder than a whimper.
"Drumming" seems a little off there, too. It suggests a certain
voluntariness about the process. "Flailing" or "thrashing" would work.
'Flailing' sounds good.
> "You said you know how this works," her captor said tonelessly. "So
> now that you've gotten yourself in this deep, you're just going to
> _give_ me what I want to know." Minami struggled for a moment, and
> the woman holding her chuckled menacingly. "But I'll give you what
> you think you want to know anyway. My name is Tendo Nabiki. Now
> let's talk about Ranma...."
Nabiki Tendo doesn't take your shit. One step over the line, and she'll
fuck you up.
Nabiki Tendo ... IN 3-D!
> Humming quietly to herself, Kasumi finished hanging the last of the
> laundry, glad for the clear skies. She turned around, and nearly
> collided with her husband. Her bad leg gave way as she tried to catch
> herself.
::wince::
Sorry. ^_^;;
> He helped her stand up straight again and she blushed slightly; even
> after years of marriage, it simply seemed so ... unbelievable and
> fantastic to her.
There are two "it"s there - Tofu helping her stand and the marriage.
"she still felt like a lovestruck newlywed" - er, my simile engine needs
a kickstart, but something that calls out the marriage specifically.
Well, I switched it to a thought from her about his caring and
presence. Which doesn't neccesarily spell out 'marriage', but....
> He winced and nodded apologetically.
Man, he must call over twice a week if she can pick it up from Tofu
saying good morning.
That's what I was going for.
> "When we're ready," Kasumi said, glancing in the direction of the
> Tendo house, though it was a good kilometer away from the home she
> shared with Tofu.
Okay, that sounds awkward.
Hmm.
"looking over the clinic wall, as though the Tendo house were still
looming over her instead of a kilometer away"?
I can work with that.
> "If it breaks down into an argument again, I'd like us to be able to
> leave, instead of needing to fight your father," Tofu said quietly.
Wow. That fills out the years very nicely.
This (and following Nerima-bits) are probably some of the better
writing in this particular fic. Or of mine in general. >_>''
> Kasumi winced at that. "You're right," she agreed. "I will call
> Akane, then. I'm certain she'll welcome the break from the
> responsibilities around the house."
Double wow. The place hasn't burned down yet?
Akane: The 'eat it or starve' policy doesn't always end favorably, but
it gets _results_.
> Tofu nodded and released Kasumi from his embrace. She strode
> forward, trying not to visibly favor her good leg. It didn't hurt,
> usually, it just wasn't as strong. After the collapse of the dojo had
> crushed her ankle, it'd healed awkwardly, no longer a joint, but a
> more-or-less solidly fused mass.
::wince again::
Sympathy pains are a real bear.
This actually happened to my mother. Er. Not the 'dojo collapsing on
her while two chi-empowered martial artists duked it out' part (she
was in a car accident), but the fusing of her ankle.
> Tofu's acupuncture couldn't restore
> it, and she thought the surgeries that involved transplants from ...
> the recently deceased ... were simply repulsive.
Very Eastern.
Thanks to Andrew Norris for ths suggestion!
> "Yeah," Akane said slowly, hesitantly, "but ... how are we going to
> get that to happen? I mean.... You _know_ how he is. And...." Her
> voice dropped to a whisper. "Even if we do talk sense into Daddy, how
> are we going to keep Saotome-san from breaking down when we tell Daddy
> that ... er ... I'm not going to just marry some guy for the dojo?"
This is doing a very nice job of recap.
Thanks!
> "Oh, dear," Kasumi sighed. "Well, you must remember to ask me for
> help once in a while, Akane-chan. You're not carrying the dojo on
> your shoulders alone."
>
> This time the pause was much more marked.
Ouch.
^_^;;
> "When we go to see Father tonight ... and I'm sorry I must ask you
> for this ... but could you keep Saotome-san occupied?" she asked.
Kasumi: I realize he does so badly at shogi that you actually fell
asleep last time and still beat him, but it's his last joy in life.
If you want to put single quotes around 'occupied' that'd indicate that
this is not likely to be a _peaceful_ occupation.
Would Kasumi use that emphasis? :p
Though, really, she just wants Tofu to distract him. Should I revise?
> After getting the information she needed, Nabiki saw to it that
> Minami would be occupied for a while; at least long enough for her to
> get everything she needed set up. The first thing, of course, would
> be to see what information could be gleaned from this 'Konno Mitsune'.
> If she was a bitter ex-girlfriend, or a jilted fianc�e, Nabiki might
> find an ally to her cause.
Hmm. Was that supposed to be a paragraph, or is that an errant space?
Huh. Errant space, I'm afraid. Formatting issue, most like....
Sorry about that.
> After the woman's shift finished, Nabiki 'accidentally' bumped into
> her, knocking Mitsune from the curb and into the street. Or, that had
> been the plan; Mitsune made a startled noise and rolled with the
> motion, tumbling to her feet and then scurrying out of the way of an
> oncoming car.
Watch her kill her own informant with a broken lawn chair!
Don't catch the reference, I'm afraid? ^_^;;
> "Aw," Mitsune said, sudden sympathy in her eyes. "I know how much
> that sucks. You'll be okay. Chin up, ya know?"
Mitsune: Not that I have personal experience, but two out of every three
girls in a bar show up for just that reason.
And speaking of bars....
> "I ... guess," Nabiki said, hanging her head and sighing. "Um. I
> was just headed out to get a drink ... do you think ... I could buy
> you one to apologize?"
I think... you can drop... that last... ellipsis....
Shatner: But ... my source of, power ... can't be removed, so ... easily!
Got it. Actually changed it to a full stop.
> Nabiki hid an internal sigh of relief. It wasn't her original plan,
> and it was lacking in the subtlety she preferred, but if it came down
> to it, she could try and get Mitsune liquored up enough to talk. It
> might even be faster than what she had originally intended.
Yyyyyeah. Mitsune was born with three shots of vodka in her blood and it
hasn't gone down since.
Mitsune: Damn skippy! I only donate blood on St. Patrick's Day, and
New Year's Eve!
> After her last class finished and she'd sent the students home, Akane
> sighed wearily and trudged into the house. The new dojo was nicer
> looking, and perhaps even slightly larger than the one her father had
> built some years ago. But it wasn't the same, and she couldn't help
> but feel a certain sense of nostalgia whenever she looked at it.
I don't know if "nostalgia" is the word you want there.
"Regret", maybe?
Ah.... Yeah. That does work better.
> She passed her father and Genma playing go on her way to the bath.
> "You need to eat more," she chided Genma in passing.
Who is this man and what has he done with Saotome Genma?
Dooplis: I turned him into a shadow with no name.
> Ever since
> Ranma's departure, the man hadn't sparred as much, and found himself
> burning less energy. Because of that, he'd fallen behind in practice,
> eating less and less.
He needs to practice eating?
...well, maybe he does. But, uh.
He's most likely eating less because he's feeling despondent and enjoys
eating and doesn't want to have as much to enjoy, (will not make cliche
remark about Akane's cooking) and while this is a chain of events which
may not necessarily occur to Akane to link together, linking it to the
amount of practice he does seems really out there.
I think you can just excise this whole malformed explanation and replace
it with "It was something she never thought she'd have to say, but she
was saying it a lot these days", or something similar to link this to
the story.
Good idea.
> At first, Akane had worried that the man was wasting away. To a
> small degree, she'd eventually realized he was. A vital part of
> himself had been lost; after he'd spent six months on the road looking
> for his son, he'd come back gaunt and with a haunted look in his eyes.
And then Happosai bounces in after him. "Now THAT was a training trip!
Just like old times, wasn't it?"
*snrk*!
> "Ranma," she mused quietly, staring at the ceiling. Everyone had
> been numb when it had happened; it just seemed beyond Ranma's nature
> to demolish the dojo, and especially to cripple Kasumi. Tears came to
> her eyes as they always did when she remembered Ranma leaving.
Comma after eyes.
Gotcha.
> Blinking away the tears that were obscuring the ceiling, she could
> only remember the raw horror that had burned through her; had Ranma
> gone mad? But then her father was there, and Ranma uncovered Kasumi.
> She was angry and confused over Ranma's treatment of P-chan, but to
> see Kasumi so injured....
Given that the only lasting thing that's been described so far is the
ankle, which probably would have been one of the later things Ranma
uncovered, I'd suggest "to see Kasumi laying like that..."
Went with 'laying so still'.
> She wished with a sigh that she'd demanded an explanation. It wasn't
> the first time she made the wish, but she realized uncomfortably that
> Ranma had tried to offer one. Akane now knew where she got her temper
> from, and her father was in no mood to listen to reason at the time
> either.
"Akane now knew where she got her temper from"?
Is that trying to say that seeing Soun incandescent has in retrospect
given her insight into the fact that her temper comes from her father?
Yes. Also, I did add the aura you suggested in Ranma's side of this same scene.
If that's the case, then "Akane now knew where she got her temper from:
her father was in no mood" would work there.
And ... done.
> Kasumi nodded and stepped out of the changing room to give Akane some
> privacy. After changing, she put all of the dirty clothes in the
> hamper and checked her reflection to make sure that no shampoo or the
> like was still in her hair.
There are two possible "her"s in the first sentence.
Changed the first 'she' to 'the youngest Tendo'.
> In the living room, Akane could see that Tofu and Genma were
> strolling across the back yard, quietly discussing something.
"From the living room", maybe.
Gotcha.
> "She called to say she had to move a package to Hokkaido for a
> project," Kasumi offered, before Akane could ask. "Then she said she
> had to catch a flight to an island in the south."
Pararakelse?
Coooouuld be. ;)
> "Well, what's this all about, then?" Soun asked, setting down his
> newspaper, seeming to only just then realize that he wasn't alone. He
> grinned and looked between his daughters. "Ah! Akane, you're looking
> well. And Kasumi! It's good to see you! You know, just this
> morning, I was talking to-"
I can see this kind of manic cheerfulness.
Brr.
Excellent. I nailed it, it seems. :D
> "Because I'm here, Daddy," Akane sighed. "Because I'm here, and I've
> been here over two decades. I'm the one who uses that new dojo -- the
> one Nabiki and I built. Me and Saotome-san teach there, and you
> don't.
Man, how many times has she had to say this?
A couple, evidently.
> Soun blinked, looking rather as though someone had dropped a freight
> train on him. "Excuse me?" he managed in a wavering voice. "Ryouga
> was there?"
Soun: Oh shiiiiiii
Yeeeeah....
> As soon as she raised her voice, Tofu was inside, crouching nearby
> protectively and checking to make sure she wasn't hurt before shooting
> an angry look at Soun.
These little gestures do a nice job of filling in the intervening years.
I'm so glad they worked! ^_^
> Genma nodded. "Certainly!" he said agreeably. "Ah ... as I recall
> it, when Ranma and I had just gotten our own curses in China and we
> were sparring, Ranma accidentally...." He trailed off suddenly and
> blinked, turning to look at Akane. "Ah, actually, Tendo, if you think
> about it-"
Ah, Genma. You only realize the land mine's there when you hear it arming.
Yep. Though, years have also dulled his realization on that count.
> Akane felt the world around her grow diffuse and unfocused. Her
> father and Genma loomed before her, giant in her field of vision, yet
> meek, and cowering away. She was aware briefly that the table with
> the dinner Kasumi had made was gone, and that Tofu had retreated to
> the far side of the room, his wife held in his arms. The fear in
> Genma and Soun's eyes wasn't enough to overshadow the anger reflected
> back from her own gaze, an emotion that Akane knew she showed, if she
> didn't let herself feel it. The hole in the floor approximating the
> table's size kept her from easily stepping forward and throttling her
> father; that second of delay gave her enough time to reconsider her
> course of action.
This is a very nice depiction of a breaking temper.
Excellent! ^_^ v
> "It ... was my decision," Soun said, shaking his head, unshed tears
> shining in his eyes. "I ... I thought that Ryouga as a rival would
> force ... Ranma closer to you. To protect you from ... Ryouga."
I don't have the originals on my at the moment. Was that the logic, or
was it that they wanted to honor the promise between men that Ranma made
not to reveal Ryoga's weaknesses?
It's actually never explained why neither Genma nor Soun explain
Ryouga's curse. Ranma never makes the promise to Ryouga in the manga.
He makes it to Bess. o_o
> "I see," her voice came, still from across that great distance. "I'm
> going for a walk now, Daddy. Saotome-san. I need time to think."
> She plodded slowly to the doorway, but paused there, and turned back.
> >From a distance, her father seemed tiny, and inconsequential. "Daddy?
> You've done enough meddling in our lives when it comes to love and
> marriage. I think this should show you why I'm not going to allow you
> to bother Kasumi and Tofu before they're ready anymore."
I think you can just start that last sentence with "I'm not going to
allow you". I mean, there's a HOLE in the FLOOR. She doesn't need to
point it out.
Good call.
> She let her sword fall and used a palm-strike to shove Ranma back,
> granting her distance.
"granting" is a little too objective there. "gaining some distance" or
"separation" might work.
Alrighty.
> Ranma held up a hand to signify that the fight was over for the
> moment and turned to look at the girl curiously as she jogged across
> the lawn. Motoko picked up and cleaned her blade before sheathing it.
> "What's up, Shinobu-chan?" Ranma asked, grinning at the girl.
>
> Shinobu looked upset, concern etching her features. "Kitsune's in
> trouble," she explained, offering Ranma a piece of paper.
Does she come out smiling and then suddenly look upset, or does Ranma
grin at an upset Shinobu?
Er.... Will revise. Shinobu's too distant for them to make out her
expression until after Ranma speaks, now.
> "This is the address to a bar?" Ranma asked, scratching his head
> before copying the note into his book. "What kind of trouble is she
> in?"
He knows her well enough to know that bars are the location for Kitsune
trouble?
Revised:
"This is the address to a bar?" Ranma asked, scratching his head
before copying the note into his book. "I tried applying there once.
Anyway, what kind of trouble is she in?"
> And then he ran off, not even grabbing his bicycle, vanishing
into the trees.
Tama: Tyu! <This is the oooonly way to flyyyyyy...>
Heh! Tamago is awesome.
> "What does that mean?" Shinobu asked, blinking.
Well, it means that he's happy to DO stuff. Training isn't DOING
something, per se.
Happy to do stuff that doesn't put people at risk (or more risk) anyway, yeah.
> Shinobu's eyes widened; the chef looked a mess. Her eyes were red
> and her hair was mussed. Her clothing was disheveled, as though she'd
> been running for a long time.
How is that different from having been in, say, a knock-down-drag-out
fight with a takoyaki chef in an octopus mask?
Well, one would probably leave tears in her clothes, and she wouldn't
(probably) be bruised from running. I'll say, "as though she had
slept in it, or hadn't slept all night".
Mm.... That still needs to be reworked. I'll figure something out.
> Ukyou waved a hand dismissively and said, "My father came into town
> yesterday. I got Noriko and left her with him. He also took over the
> store so I could look for Minami."
Looks like she's blowing off her old man that way.
If she doesn't think it's important than try something like:
"My father. He's minding the store." Ukyou didn't linger on the words.
"Where'd Ranchan go?"
Hmm. Hadn't considered that angle. Alrighty.
> The mists had vanished for the moment. That curious month of no
> mystery sat heavily on the inn,
The who to the what now?
Haruka has a somewhat enigmatic PoV. I think I've used it three or
four times in the fic so far. ._.
> He chuckled and said, "Okay. You too, Haruka-chan."
Nice conversation.
Glad that worked. :)
> Then she hung up before she said anything else. "I'm not sure how,
> but this is Keitaro's fault," she mumbled. After a moment of
> hesitation, as she saw Ranma bounding up the steps carrying Mitsune in
> his arms, she added, "Or Oe's."
It's their fault that Seta knows she's got the hots for him?
Er.... Will expand on that. :p
> Haruka stepped closer, surveying the room. Keitaro and Naru stood
> together near the television, looking at Ranma and Mitsune curiously.
> Motoko leaned on a nearby wall, Shinobu standing at her side. Mutsumi
> sat on the couch, Mitsune's head in her lap. Ukyou stood just behind
> Ranma, arms crossed beneath her chest. Ranma knelt next to the couch,
> peering at Mitsune in consternation.
Ranma: Well, this is another fine mess you've gotten me into.
When I see "consternation" it implies some dissatisfaction with the
state of affairs as caused by a particular person. "peering intently at
Mitsune"?
"in concern"
> "I can help!" Shinobu called eagerly, vanishing into the kitchen.
> She returned with a sake bottle a moment later, Sara and Suu in tow.
> Ranma accepted the bottle and downed it in an instant, grimacing
> afterwards.
...wow. That's a lot of alcohol in a little time. Sake's pretty high-test.
Can be. The cheap stuff, I can drink a bottle in an hour and get a
bit lightheaded. My friend, the Gentleman Jack won't take that lying
down. Though, after a bottle, I'm not so sure he's my friend. o_o
> "Are you sending her into shock?" Haruka asked critically.
Haruka: The blue flames are usually shock. If it was green flames I
wouldn't be worried.
I think just "You're sending her into shock," matter-of-factly, would work.
Okay.
> "Ain't done yet," Ranma said, catching his breath, and then crossing
> his arms. He mumbled something Haruka couldn't catch, and drew his
> hands apart. The dragon-scale bracers grated across one-another,
> tendrils of what looked like writhing white lightning erupting from
> the contact points and linking them. That white light surged across
> his bracers and up into his hands before vanishing.
Ranma: Stupid cheap disposable ancient artifacts...
Suu: It costs 1500 GPs for a new one, you know!
> "Ranma-kun," Mutsumi murmured quietly. Haruka doubted anyone but she
> and Ranma could hear it, especially as they were distracted by the
> pyrotechnics. The black receded to a tiny pinprick, and then Mitsune
> was wreathed in a halo of white fire. It faded, leaving her looking
> clean, comfortable ... and still unconscious. The light vanished from
> around Ranma and he sat back on his heels heavily.
Okay. _Something_ went on there, but I have no idea what it was, what it
meant, why the colors were important, what happened to the gold, and why
the black existed or why Mitsune only flamed out when it was gone.
I realize only Ranma actually knows what's going on and you've got
someone else's viewpoint, but you need to do more there than just
provide an account of events.
Would it be acceptable to say it's explained in the next chapter? Or
should I put that in right here? There are hints, if you read the
entire story; the gold has to do with Kintaro, and Ranma's first
conversation on the rooftop in private with Motoko can give hints to
much of the rest (chapter ... 2 or three, IIRC). But the explanation
comes later, as currently planned.
> Haruka peered at her critically. Her color was normal, and her
> breathing settled into a more normal pattern for a sleeping woman.
> She couldn't smell any alcohol in the air anymore, and a cautious
> touch showed that Mitsune's temperature was back to normal as well.
> "Nice work," she decided. "How long will she be out?"
The immediate "her" the second sentence refers to is Haruka.
Oops!
> "I'll just splash myself before we go, then," Ranma murmurred, his
> eyes drifting closed.
"Murmured".
Oops. >_<
> Ukyou nodded, and Haruka surveyed the tableau for a moment. "Okay,"
> she announced. "Ranma's going to be out for an hour at least.
> Shinobu, could you please get me a pitcher of water for Kitsune?
> Motoko, would you and Kuonji-san be so kind as to take Ranma to his
> room? Once you're done, I've got a futon in the guest bedroom at the
> teashop you can use until he wakes up. I'll show you to it,
> Kuonji-san."
Okay, now this description of the aftermath I understand a lot more
thoroughly.
Excellent.
> Motoko frowned slightly, but shrugged. "Follow me," she said, while
> Shinobu rushed to the kitchen for some water. Sara and Suu both
> melted into the ether after Shinobu, leaving Haruka alone with
> Mutsumi, Keitaro, and Naru. And Mitsune, but she didn't think the
> newly healed young woman was cognizant enough to matter at the moment.
"detoxed", maybe. Unless Ranma made her liver bright and shiny or something.
'restored'? Detoxed could work, but somehow doesn't scan as well as I'd like.
> "Keitaro," Haruka said, narrowing her eyes. "I know you've been
> practicing with Seta while you were on that island. I'm going to let
> you have that sword you used during the play." His only response was
> to look very confused.
Yeah, he's not the only one. But then Haruka doesn't explain much, does she?
Not typically.
Even so, "I have a feeling you may need it" would go a long way.
I think it's warranted.
> "What ... about me?" Naru asked, glancing between Keitaro and
Mutsumi.
The return of the James T. Kirk pause!
Killed with prejudice.
> "Keep your eyes open," Haruka advised. "I think things are about to
> get very interesting."
> --------------------------------------
K. One final qualm. A problem I have, addressing which might end up
negating a lot of the good stuff you've put into this, but still a problem.
It might just be the little fanboy inside of me, but hurting Kasumi
seems pretty off-flavor. Ranma's entire history and the resulting
complications do, now that it's out in the open.
People don't generally get hurt in Ranma. If they do it's comedy pain,
which lasts just long enough for an embarrassing photograph. People
don't generally get hurt in Love Hina. If they do it's primarily for
irony purposes, like the broken leg that keeps Keitaro out of Todai
(when the man has survived being hucked into the path of a firework).
And when Keitaro gets kidnapped it's so Suu can marry him and live
happily ever after, which will only be a disaster for a few people.
I'm not sure whether Shonen Protagonist Cascade Failure could get Ranma
out of Nerima _without_ something that drastic, and obviously you want
to deal with Nerima wanting him back.
But that doesn't change the little voice in the back of my head going
"don't hurt Kasumi! T_T"
Fair enough. It wasn't easy, but it was also the most reasonable
motivator I could find at the time that didn't needlessly villify
anyone, and more-or-less let me use the cast as they were. I didn't
want a vengeful, left-at-the-altar Akane, or an
Akane-died-at-Mt.-Phoenix-and-I-can't-like-girls-from-my-own-cast-anymore
Ranma. It's difficult for me to imagine what else I could do at this
point that wouldn't require a total rewrite, though. And while I do
want to make this story as good as I can, I'm not sure I want to
rewrite it from the ground up. <_<;;
Still, thank you very much for your commentary; it was quite helpful,
and I'm glad you liked some parts of the fic, at least. :D
--GF