Yeah, this is the one I'm cheating a little on the whole "non-Ranma" 
thing. I'm hoping that it winds up being useful at this late date.

Brian Randall wrote:
 >     A flash of lightning split the darkness, muted thunderclaps rolling
 > in seconds behind. From his position on the worn wooden floor of the
 > dojo, Ranma flexed his hands.
 >
 >     Ki. That was the secret to this battle.
 >
 >     It was all about ki, and the confidence to use it right. He had the
 > confidence, and the strength; all that remained was to prove it.

And if you swap "confidence" and "ki" in that introduction, it's still 
just as true.

 >     --------------------------------------
 >     Diamonds in the Rough -- Chapter Sixteen -- Distant Lands, 
Distant Troubles
 >
 >     Disclaimer: Paints in this story are from Rumiko Takahashi, Viz
 > (Ranma 1/2), TV Tokyo and Ken Akamatsu (Love Hina), and Tatsuya Egawa
 > (Goldenboy). The easel is mine. That's all.
 >
 >     Note: I screwed up and thought that Ranma was introduced to his
 > mother before the Shishi Houkodan arc.  Erm.  Assume that it's an alt,
 > and my thoughts are correct for this story (because they are). -_-

Eh, Ranma's like Superman. Up to a point it doesn't matter what order 
the stories happen in because the status quo seeps back in in between them.

(Thankfully Ranma's future kid has not yet punched the universe.)

 >     --------------------------------------
 >
 >     Mutsumi could tell that Ranma's eyes were on a faraway point, not
 > seeing the desert around them.  Not feeling the heat, the angry sun
 > beating down on them mercilessly.
 >
 >     Finally, he spoke, though his words were just as distant as his gaze.
 >  "I ... was challenging someone to a duel.  I had ... had just created
 > my first ki attack.  I'd made...."  He shrugged, and his eyes snapped
 > back to the present, meeting hers.  "I made the Mouko Takabisha.  It
 > was because my rival learned another attack, first.  And I needed to
 > make that move just to counter him."
 >
 >     "But it didn't work quite that way, did it?" Mutsumi asked, the
 > memories she'd gotten from him during her one drain of his battle aura
 > suggesting what happened.

Feels awkward. I think you need to reorder it so she digs up the memory 
first, though Mutsumi is no stranger to proactive sympathy.

 >     "No, it worked perfectly," Ranma disagreed, shaking his head.  "We
 > just canceled each other out.  It was stupid, really.  But I was
 > practicing.  Waiting for him to show up for the rematch.  I ...
 > couldn't sleep, so I went into the dojo to practice one night.  It was
 > raining...."
 >
 >     ***
 >
 >     "P-chan?" he asked incredulously.  "What is this, a miracle?"
 >
 >     "What are you talking about?" Ryouga asked from the doorway,
 > befuddled.  "And what are you doing in Okinawa, Ranma?"

Ranma: If this were Okinawa there'd be palm trees and tropical drinks!

Ryoga: ::point::

Principal Kuno: Aloha!

Ranma: I never thought I'd regret kicking him through the fence.

 >     "This is the Tendo dojo, idiot," Ranma said, rolling his eyes.  "Come
 > on.  You're like, almost three days _early_ for a duel for once.
 > _Too_ early -- want your beatdown now?"
 >
 >     "Oh, is that how it's going to be?" Ryouga asked in a tight voice,
 > unslinging his backpack from his shoulder and sending it sliding into
 > one corner.
 >
 >     "I think-"
 >
 >     "Save it," Ryouga snapped.  "That was rhetorical, Ranma.  When
 > _aren't_ you trying to start fights?"
 >
 >     He considered for a moment, and then grinned.  "When I'm-"
 >
 >     "That was rhetorical, too!"

Ranma: I'm inferring from context that "rhetorical" means "question you 
don't want me to answer".

Ryoga: Grr.

Ranma: Are there any questions that doesn't apply to?

Ryoga: Ostension is _also_ depressing.

 >     "Man, I didn't realize how annoying the Shishi Houkodan made you,"
 > Ranma sighed, rolling his eyes.  "You ready to get smashed, or what?"
 >
 >     "I-"  Ryouga's angry protest was cut off by a disappointed, muted
 > sigh.  "Fine," he managed, nearly listlessly.  "I see how this is
 > going to end.  Let's just get this over with."
 >
 >     "Fine by me!"
 >
 >     ***
 >
 >     In the house, Kasumi listened to the raindrops beat on the roof, and
 > glanced to the ceiling of her room.  Slumber eluded her for some
 > reason; usually the sound of falling rain lulled her into a deeper
 > sleep, but tonight it simply wouldn't come.
 >
 >     She blew out a small sigh of irritation and rose, wondering why.
 >
 >     It felt like ... the home's 'wa', that delicate balance between the
 > house and the family within, was becoming horribly tilted.  Not
 > breaking, at least, not yet.  But it was stretching, and would soon be
 > lost entirely.

This is like an episode of Voyager, where the time-travel caused the 
problem that caused the time-travel that caused the problem that caused 
the- and there's 60 minutes!

 >     And this time, she hadn't a clue what was causing it.  On silent
 > feet, she padded to her door, pausing to cinch up a warm robe before
 > stepping into the hallway.  Her sister's doors were both snugly shut,

like that means anything. Everybody and their grandmother sneaks into 
Akane's bedroom.

 > and the guest bedroom door was open.  The light from the hall
 > illuminated the bulk of Genma's sleeping form, and ... Ranma's empty
 > futon.
 >
 >     "Oh dear," she murmured at the vacancy.  Was Ranma trying to make
 > himself suffer, so he could use Ryouga's move again?
 >
 >     Sighing, she headed downstairs, wondering what she would find.  After
 > she reached the house's main room, she paused, looking about again.
 > There wasn't so much as a sound from her father's room, and Happosai's
 > room was equally silent.

Now that's cause for concern.

 >     Steeling her resolve, she made her way to the kitchen, prepared for
 > the worst.  To her relief, it was as pristine as she had left it,
 > nothing appearing disturbed.  A pair of filled kettles sat on the
 > stove and she turned those burners on.  Hot water was always useful,
 > and if she tried to make tea, undoubtedly Ranma would appear and ask
 > if there was any hot water to spare.

It's like a can opener, in a way.

 >     As she finished adjusting the burners, she saw a flicker of light
 > from the kitchen window and frowned, counting.  But after a handful of
 > seconds, there was still no rumble of thunder.  Curious, she opened
 > the back door from the kitchen, the one that led beneath the covered
 > walkway to the dojo.  Outside, the sound of rain was louder, and she
 > could hear other noises, too.
 >
 >     From the dojo, of course, and then there was another flash of light.
 > "Ah," she murmured quietly.  "Ranma-kun must be practicing."  Surely
 > that was all that it was.  But still....
 >
 >     Something told her that her precious wa was going to be broken by
 > events within the dojo, and she steeled her resolve again, walking to
 > the training hall's door.  As she reached to touch it, she paused,
 > hearing Ryouga's sad, rumbling voice, "It's hopeless," he groaned.  "I
 > can't ... you just saw my move and learned it."

Ranma: What are you talking about? I took a course in public works at 
the community college. Brochure?

Ryoga: I've been COMMERCIALIZED?! ::angst::    

 > He sounded near the
 > verge of tears, Kasumi thought, surprised, as her hand fell to her
 > side and she took a step closer to the door.  "And then when it was no
 > good for you ... you just made up a new one that's even better."  He
 > sighed morosely.  "I guess I can never win."
 >
 >     "That's right, pig-boy!" Ranma replied, more cheer and energy than
 > normal in his voice.  "In fact, take-"
 >
 >     "Perfect Shishi Houkodan!"
 >
 >     Something then told Kasumi that she needed to turn, to run away, to
 > flee....  But a heavy force weighed down on her, pinning her in place,
 > and she saw the rain in a great ring around the dojo suddenly get
 > shoved away, as though something huge were above the structure,
 > blotting out the falling drops of water.
 >
 >     And then it crashed down, and Kasumi only saw green fire.  She had
 > enough time to scream before the emerald inferno gave way to soothing
 > darkness.

And now the other shoe drops.

I believe this could happen. There's this little niggling voice in the 
back of my head, though. More later.

 >     ***
 >
 >     Her hands were raw from the splintered lumber she was pulling aside,
 > remnants of the dojo -- it was only a building, and she'd been able to
 > take the worst of it.  Rain from the storm had quickly soaked her,
 > activating her curse.
 >
 >     "Oh no, oh no, this can't be happening!"
 >
 >     Who was wasting breath on the litany, when more work needed to be
 > devoted to removing the obstructions?
 >
 >     "Please, please, please be okay, I didn't mean for this to happen!"
 >
 >     She wished she could tell whoever was babbling to shut up, but didn't
 > waste the effort.  Heavy timbers were levered aside and heaved into
 > the yard.
 >
 >     "Come on, come on, Kasumi, you have to be alright, you can't have
 > gotten hurt by something so stupid!"
 >
 >     The voice hiccupped, almost on the verge of a sob, and she realized
 > that it was her own.

Good first-person description of stress.

 >     There!  One of the timbers shifted; Ranma threw all thought aside and
 > began tearing the rubble away with reckless abandon.  "Kasumi!" she
 > called, as distant lightning flashed.  "You gotta be alright!"

Hmm.

If you wanted to get some dread on in Kasumi's prologue you could have a 
couple of lightning flashes hit in between the ki-blasts.

 >     Then the rumble of thunder sounded and the shattered wood lifted,
 > revealing a small, living form.  Ranma swore loudly, seizing the
 > piglet in one hand.  "You idiot," she seethed at the unconscious
 > animal.  "This is all your-"  She broke off, glaring at the creature.
 >
 >     She didn't have time to worry about the pig.  Tossing him aside
 > carelessly, she focused on the pile of rubble, finally uncovering the
 > form of the eldest Tendo sister.  "Oh, no," she groaned, when she saw
 > how still Kasumi was.  Why had she been outside?  Had she just come to
 > investigate a noise?  What was it that had brought her-
 >
 >     "Ranma!"
 >
 >     The thoughts died a swift death, and Ranma spun to face her fianc�e.
 > "I can explain everythin-"
 >
 >     "No," Akane said, her voice cold, eyes filled with raw hurt and
 > anger.  "You can't, Ranma.  Get out."
 >
 >     "But-"
 >
 >     "Get out!" she screamed, stepping away from him, while her father
 > stepped forward, just as much anger visible in his gaze.
 >
 >     "This is too far, Ranma," he growled.  "I've abided much, but
 > bringing harm to Kasumi crosses a line I cannot forgive.  I think you
 > had best leave -- now."

Come on, give the man a battle aura! This is one time he actually 
deserves it!

 >     "I...."  But they had no reason to listen.  Not bothering to face
 > either of them any longer, and unable to bear the sight of Kasumi, or
 > Akane's anger, he turned and fled into the night.
 >
 >     ***
 >
 >     "Was that ... how you left your old ... life?" Mutsumi asked gently,
 > staring deep into Ranma's emotion-clouded eyes.

That's a very James T. Kirk place for a pause.

 >     "No," he said hoarsely, after a moment.  "That was just the
 > beginning.  I did something even dumber after ... after that."
 >
 >     "What could it have been?" Mutsumi asked, genuinely puzzled.  Being
 > indirectly responsible for Kasumi's injury was the deepest hurt she
 > had felt from him when she'd used the 'good girl's exercise'.
 >
 >     Ranma heaved an unsteady breath, and closed his eyes.  "When I was
 > just a child," he said, suddenly changing the subject, "my...."  He
 > shook his head.  "The man who I called my father and the woman I
 > called my mother drew up a contract that said I would be a 'man among
 > men'.  If I wasn't ... raised to her satisfaction, I would end my
 > life.  She meant seppuku."
 >
 >     "Oh, my," Mutsumi murmured, her eyes widening.  "But you obviously
 > didn't...."  She trailed off and looked at Ranma, leaving the question
 > unspoken.

Ranma: Well, that's the weird thing. Apparently my ancestors were born 
in the highlands of Scotland.

 >     "She ... didn't know about the curse," Ranma said quietly, looking
 > away.  "She thought my curse was just some girl.  I ... I used that to
 > ask her if she thought I was good enough, and...."

The Shonen Protagonist Cascade Failure Effect.

 >     Even though Mutsumi knew that it was old, she could see that it was
 > still a very deep hurt, and one that Ranma hesitated to share.  But
 > the pain in his eyes....
 >
 >     "Oh," she murmured, dropping his hand, and scooting closer, putting
 > her arms about him and holding him close.

And getting sand in places where sand should not go. Desert, remember?

 >     He sniffled, and she shook her head, soothing, "It's alright.
 > Please....  Just let it go, Ranma.  You can't hold your hurt inside
 > forever."
 >
 >     ***
 >
 >     The sun was rising, somewhere.

And Jimmy Buffet could tell you it's five o'clock, somewhere.

 > Ranma assumed it was east of her, but
 > hadn't really stopped to care since it was bright enough to easily
 > read street-signs.  Not that she really had; she'd merely looked for a
 > sign that said 'bridge'.
 >
 >     Eventually, she'd found one, and now stood over an impressive segment
 > of the Tokyo harbor.

They build bridges over the Tokyo harbor?

 > She doubted the fall would do more than bruise,
 > unless she landed just so.  She also doubted that her reflexes would
 > help her in the endeavor.  "Just think positive," she mumbled to
 > herself, climbing up onto the suspension bridge's railing, and staring
 > at the water, far, far below.  "Even Akane could do this."

Ranma: Let's just hope that not ONLY Akane could do this.

 >     "Er, excuse me," someone said from behind her.  She turned slowly,
 > releasing the cable she'd been holding for balance.
 >
 >     It was a young man, probably in his very early twenties.  He wore a
 > distinctive dark brown jacket with a fur ruffle around the collar and
 > sleeves, and a red baseball cap.
 >
 >     "Yeah?" Ranma asked tiredly.
 >
 >     "Are you planning on jumping?" he asked.
 >
 >     "Yep."  She forced a smile she didn't feel.  "You want to go next?"
 >
 >     "Not really," he said, shaking his head.  Ranma frowned.  Her shirt
 > was torn open, nearly exposing all of her chest.  But the man's eyes
 > were locked firmly on hers, not straying for the slightest moment.

Who is this man, and what has he done with Oe Kintaro?

 >     "Then what's your deal?"
 >
 >     "Just here, I guess," he said, shrugging.  "Do you see anyone who
 > needs saving?  I ... got a feeling someone did."
 >
 >     Ranma turned around again, and stared at the water.  "It's not even
 > proper seppuku," she murmured.  "I'm supposed to die.  For family
 > honor."
 >
 >     "Why not wait until after the sun finishes rising?" the man asked.
 > "Go with that last sight, if you have to."

Tokyo Harbor faces east?

 >     "You sure don't seem much for talkin' me out of it," Ranma muttered,
 > staring at the horizon, where the first bits of fiery gold began to
 > crest.

And after the invasion fleet flew overhead, the sun came up!

Yeah, yeah, I know. But this is a suicide scene. You want STARK.

 >     "A man makes his choices and lives by them," he said, shrugging.  "Or
 > dies, I guess.  But...."
 >
 >     Ranma turned back and raised an eyebrow.  "Well?" she finally asked,
 > when he said nothing else, now watching the sunrise.
 >
 >     "I once had a family," the man said distantly.  "But ... I had to
 > leave it.  A bad man married my sister.  I couldn't stand him, so I
 > left.  But I made a promise then.  I promised that no matter what, I'd
 > always try and make sure that bad things didn't happen to good
 > people."  His eyes slid from the sunrise to lock on hers again, and
 > this time, Ranma felt herself somehow pinned to the bridge's railing
 > by his gaze.  "I think you seem like a good person.  Is there anything
 > I can do to make sure that nothing bad happens to you?"
 >
 >     "A bit late for that," Ranma managed, trapped in this stranger's
 > eyes.  "Why do you care?"
 >
 >     "Because I failed terribly, once," he said quietly.  "And I'm trying
 > to make up for it."
 >
 >     Ranma said nothing, merely feeling the winds that caused her to sway,
 > momentarily nearer the brink, momentarily nearer to safety.
 > Eventually, she turned around, just in time to watch the sun clear the
 > horizon entirely, though tearing her eyes from the man seemed
 > unnaturally difficult.
 >
 >     "Do you think ... you can make up for any failure?" she finally 
asked.
 >
 >     "I do," he said, smiling warmly.  "And that's what I live my life 
for."
 >
 >     "So ... you still haven't really explained your deal yet," Ranma
 > murmured, shaking her head, and then looking across the harbor, as
 > boats began to sluggishly creep from their moorings, spreading ripples
 > and wakes across the water.
 >
 >     "If you come with me, I'll teach you everything I know about living,"
 > the man offered.
 >
 >     Ranma hesitated, but....  She'd already thrown away her honor by
 > coming here instead of committing seppuku.  It wouldn't find a way to
 > somehow become more stained.  "Sure," she finally said, turning
 > around.  "But if you think I'm just some girl, you got another thing
 > coming, Pal.  Some hot water, and we'll see if you still want to teach
 > me."

I forget, is Kintaro on his family's register or not?

 >     He grinned, and extended a hand towards her.  "I'm Oe Kintaro.
 > Partners?" he asked.
 >
 >     "Sa...."  She trailed off, then shrugged, and accepted the handshake,
 > which he used to pull her back to the level of the sidewalk.  She
 > allowed him, and then said, "Ranma."
 >
 >     "No last name?" the man asked, raising an eyebrow.
 >
 >     "Not right now," she said quietly.
 >
 >     "Well, let's go get you that hot water you seemed interested in," the
 > man decided, releasing the handshake.  "Come on."
 >
 >     ***
 >
 >     Mutsumi smiled, as the tension drained from Ranma.  "Aniki saved my
 > life," he said quietly.  "If it weren't for him, I think I would have
 > jumped."
 >
 >     "But you didn't," she said, shaking her head.  "And I'm glad for 
that."
 >
 >     He blushed slightly, looking away, though he didn't try to escape
 > from her embrace.  "I am too," he said quietly.  Then he looked across
 > the desert, his expression hardening.  "It's just....  All of that
 > hurt, I blame on ... on Ryouga.  If it weren't for him...."
 >
 >     "Then this never would have happened?" she asked.
 >
 >     "I...."  Ranma didn't even know what he was going to say, and let the
 > attempt at speech die.  After a moment of hesitation, he sighed and
 > admitted, "No.  It's my fault, too.  I picked the fight with him.  I
 > was the one that thought we could do it in the dojo.  All because I
 > was impatient and it was raining."

And because you tended to catch most of his stuff with your face. I 
mean, did anybody know about the Perfect ShiShiHokodan until Ryoga set 
Furinkan up the bomb?

 >     "But you said that he sometimes vanished for weeks," Mutsumi
 > protested.  "You might not have seen him for a month after that
 > night."
 >
 >     "Yeah that's--"  Ranma suddenly broke off, and edged out of Mutsumi's
 > grip, looking at her strangely.  "No, actually, I didn't mention
 > that."  He swallowed nervously and asked, "How much ... do you
 > remember of ... of my life?"

Was that internal narration above part of his spiel for Mutsumi? If so, 
then the mentions of Ryoga always being late and him thinking he's in 
Okinawa might hint rather strongly at Ryoga's position being rather 
indeterminate.

...also, does Hinako suck up actual life experiences? I know she tapped 
a font of emotion at one point.

 >     Mutsumi looked thoughtful, and tapped her lower lip with the tip of
 > one finger.  "Well," she said after a moment.  "Bits and pieces.
 > Mostly I remember that night where you fought with Ryouga.  But I
 > remember you looking at a girl, and her asking if you would be her
 > friend.  I remember you telling Ukyou-kun that you thought she was
 > cute.  And I remember you saying goodbye to your wife."
 >
 >     Ranma flinched.
 >
 >     "And I remember when you first took a bath after you got your curse."
 >
 >     Color drained from Ranma's face momentarily, before it turned bright
 > red, and he stared at his feet intently.
 >
 >     "But I don't remember a lot of things, like your...."  She trailed
 > off, and sighed.  "Well, most of them fade.  I think they're not my
 > memories, so they'll go away.  But I think I only got them because
 > they're all memories which seem very important to you."
 >
 >     "Oh," Ranma coughed, his blush diminishing, but not entirely
 > subsiding.  "Well.  Um, yeah.  I could see that."
 >
 >     Then Mutsumi smiled, and waggled a finger at Ranma.  "Naughty," 
she chastised.
 >
 >     His blush deepened, and he stared at the horizon.  "I'm gonna die,"
 > he muttered.  "That's so embarrassing."

WELL, WE _ARE_ ALL GOING TO DIE.

 >     The woman giggled, and said, "I won't tell anyone, I promise."
 >
 >     "Erg."
 >
 >     "Are you feeling better now?"
 >
 >     "Yeah," he said, after a moment.  "I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to ...
 > to dump on you."
 >
 >     "I thought we were dating, Ranma," she chastised.  "Isn't this how we
 > should help one another?"
 >
 >     "Oh yeah," Ranma said quietly.  "Man.  I'm dumb about stuff like 
this."

Haven't learned much about life, have you?

 >     Mutsumi giggled again, but didn't correct him.
 >
 >     "Only thing I can't figure is ... er ... why you remembered some of
 > the stuff you did," Ranma mumbled.
 >
 >     "Oh, that naughty one, I didn't," she said, her smile widening.  "I
 > just guessed.  That's what I'd probably do if I were a boy who got
 > turned into a girl."

Ah, Mutsumi logic.

 >     "Oh, damn," Ranma muttered, covering his face with his hands and
 > chuckling.  "You're gonna be a bigger handful than Kitsune, aren't
 > you?"
 >
 >     "Well, I got you to laugh a little, so maybe!  But, Ranma-kun, let's
 > go down to the beach.  It's hot here, and you should get something to
 > drink."

Oasis, right? Because they're in a desert? I seem to recall it was an 
enclosed desert in the original.

 >     "Yeah," he agreed, climbing to his feet, and then helping Mutsumi up.
 >  "And ... me and Motoko-chan are gonna have to stage a raid on that
 > bandit fortress to get enough gas to get back to town.  We'd better
 > start getting ready."  Nodding decisively, he began striding towards
 > the oasis.

Yep, oasis!

 >     "Ranma-kun?"
 >
 >     He paused, turning around, a few steps down the slope from Mutsumi.
 > "Yeah?" he asked, turning back.
 >
 >     As she stepped towards him, she stumbled slightly, and he moved
 > forward to catch her carefully, the two ending with faces a
 > hairsbreadth apart.  His eyes widened slightly, as she smiled up at
 > him, her breath tickling his jaw line.  Her lips pursed slightly, as
 > her eyes drifted closed.  He leaned towards her to-
 >
 >     "...Oe-sensei!"
 >
 >     He broke away and spun around nervously, just in time to see Motoko
 > clearing the trail that led up the cliff, her hat tied to her cloak
 > and trailing behind her in the breeze of her passage.  "Oh, damn," he
 > growled.  Turning back to Mutsumi apologetically, he said, "Look, I--
 > MMPH!"
 >
 >     She didn't release him from the kiss until he could hear Motoko's
 > footsteps drawing close, and then faltering.  "Gah," he gasped.  "Urk.
 >  Don't kill me!"

Nice little moment.

 >     "I'm fairly certain I know who the aggressor was," Motoko replied,
 > standing a short distance downhill and peering up.  Her expression was
 > unreadable, shadowed somehow beneath the wide brim of the hat she had
 > put on when Ranma was ... distracted.
 >
 >     "Uh.  Wait!  What are you implying?  That was totally me!"
 >
 >     Mutsumi giggled, and Motoko snorted.  "Sensei," Motoko said, "I'm,
 > er, glad for you.  Really."  There was a moment of awkward silence,
 > before Motoko added, "But we have good news!  Shinobu and Keitaro
 > managed to find more fuel."
 >
 >     Ranma blinked.  "Oh," he said.  "That is good.  I think.  Wait!  No
 > bandit beatdown?"

Motoko: The original plan didn't call for us to get beaten down by 
bandits, either.

"beating on bandits" if you want to keep the alliteration.

 >     "Well, passenger space is somewhat limited in Noriyasu's vehicle, but
 > I suspect that those of significant martial skill can simply cling to
 > the roof," Motoko opined.
 >
 >     "We'll figure it out back at the oasis," Ranma decided.
 >
 >     ***
 >
 >     Something had changed, Shinobu realized, as she dabbled her feet in
 > the pond at the base of the waterfall, looking at the trail behind
 > her.

"Dabbled". For some reason I have the idea that this doesn't actually 
apply to real things. Like, you dabble in a field of study.

The image the verb gives me is Shinobu sitting on the edge of the 
waterfall pond, dangling her feet down as the little waves from the 
waterfall break against them. It is not an active process.

As such "dangled" seems more reasonable than something like "dipped". 
"Dabbled" doesn't seem to fit.

 > Motoko descended first, a handful of bounding leaps that carried
 > her down, and then across the valley floor to Keitaro.

"Bounding" gives me the impression of height. Do you want that or a 
bunch of low, quick, arcs like a skipped stone?

Not sure what participle goes in there, though.

 > Ranma had left
 > in a fury, but walked back holding hands with Mutsumi, the two of them
 > taking their time.
 >
 >     She blinked, and then looked at Mitsune sidelong.  The woman stared
 > for a moment at the couple in surprise, and then shrugged, smirking at
 > Shinobu.  "Took 'em long enough," she said with a wink.
 >
 >     "I guess so," Shinobu murmured.  She'd never really noticed that
 > anything was going on between Mutsumi and Ranma, as focused as her
 > attention had been ... elsewhere.  "We should pack," she decided.
 >
 >     "Pack what?" Mitsune asked.  "Most of our luggage still hasn't made
 > it to the island."
 >
 >     "Well, clean, then," Shinobu decided.  "We'll leave the oasis neat
 > for the next people who come here."

Old Boy Scout rule: never go away and leave a fire burning.

 >     "But ... who else would come here?"
 >
 >     Keitaro glanced up from where he was busily packing up some of Seta's
 > equipment, Naru watching him curiously.  "We're coming back," he
 > offered.  "Or sending someone back.  We're not done with this site, we
 > just ... er ... need to get back to town in time to submit our exam
 > tickets."

Looking to pick up that lucrative internship credit, is he?

 >     "Yo," Ranma called as he and Mutsumi reached the base of the cliff,
 > Mutsumi finally releasing his hand.

Ranma: I have a feeling I may come to regret teaching her that silence 
pressure point.

That structure makes it seem like Mutsumi letting go is what makes him talk.

 > "So, is there enough gas to get
 > back to town?"
 >
 >     "Plenty!" Seta yelled back.  "We should all be able to fit, too.
 > We're going to need to leave Koara's toys behind, though."
 >
 >     "They're not toys!" Suu protested.  "Toys are more important!"

Heh.

 >     Ranma blinked and scratched his head.  When he was a handful of steps
 > away from Shinobu, Mutsumi standing beside him still, he shrugged.  "I
 > guess everything's gonna work out after all," he decided.

Setting up the two-page splash doesn't work that well in text.

 >     ***
 >
 >     Minami had generally learned to mind her own business, and understood
 > that for whatever reason her employer didn't like to discuss some
 > parts of her past.  But she was relatively free with information when
 > Ranma was around, especially on those rare occasions he came alone,
 > instead of with all of his friends.

My mind stripped gears there for a second, but she's talking about the 
Hinata group, right?

 >     And business was slow enough that she could sip at her drink a few
 > spots down from Ukyou and Ranma and hear them both.  

Seats down, right?

 > She was turned to
 > face the door, away from the pair, but she listened intently to the
 > conversation anyway.

Just "she had her back to them" would work.

 >     "Are you serious?" Ukyou asked, stunned.  "Ryouga lives on some
 > tropical island now?"
 >
 >     "Pararakelse," Ranma replied, nodding.  "It ... made me deal with
 > something I'd been ignoring for a while."
 >
 >     "Ah," Ukyou said quietly, flipping an okonomiyaki onto the plate
 > before Ranma.  "Well, what about good news?  Has anything positive
 > happened lately?"
 >
 >     Ranma fidgeted for a moment, and Ukyou heaved an exasperated sigh.
 > "Come on, you lug.  Who is she?"

Ukyo: That, or you've started wearing watermelon perfume for some 
reason, and I really doubt that would ever happen.

 >     "Erm.  Mutsumi," Ranma managed very quietly.
 >
 >     Minami took that opportunity to peek behind her.  Ranma stared into
 > his plate, face slightly pink.  Ukyou looked at him, and was smiling,
 > but Minami could see that it didn't completely reach her eyes.  She
 > turned away quickly, before she was spotted.

Minami can read a lot into a quick glance.

"Ukyo smiled at him, but it was the same empty smile she gave all the 
customers."

...then again, given Ukyo, her "customer service smile" would probably 
be pretty happy, wouldn't it? Hmm.

 >     "You'll need to introduce me to her better at some point.  And good
 > for you, Ranchan.  You should be happy."
 >
 >     "Well...."
 >
 >     "Don't worry about it!  So, how did you do on the test to get 
into Toudai?"
 >
 >     "I passed, actually."
 >
 >     "I thought you'd be okay," Ukyou said, giggling quietly.  "I've never
 > seen you fail at anything you really had your heart set on.  Remember
 > when you got hit with that Ultimate Weakness Moxibustion?"
 >
 >     "Don't remind me!" Ranma grumbled.  "But yeah.  And ... thanks,
 > Ucchan.  For believing in me.  I ... gotta go.  I'll come by again on
 > Friday."
 >
 >     "Looking forward to it," Ukyou replied earnestly.  "You be sure to
 > bring your new girl along so I can get to know her better, alright?"

I would give a lot to look in Ukyo's head, right now.

 >     "'Course!  I'm glad that everything seems to be working out so well
 > for once.  Anyway, you take care of yourself, Ucchan.  See you
 > 'round!"
 >
 >     Minami turned around again, but Ranma was gone.  She felt a breeze
 > tug at the loose hair that had escaped her ponytail and turned to look
 > back at the restaurant's door, which was just swinging shut.  "That
 > guy sure knows how to move," she opined to Ukyou.
 >
 >     "You said it," Ukyou replied quietly.  "Minami, why don't you take
 > the rest of the evening off?  I'm going to close up shop here."
 >
 >     "Are you sure, Boss?" she asked.  But the question was a formality;
 > Ukyou may have kept a close eye on the restaurant's budget, but she
 > wasn't terribly strict about the schedule.
 >
 >     "Yeah."  The chef flashed her a smile.  "I need some time to think.
 > I'll just clean up while I'm doing it.  There's no one else here right
 > now anyway."

I would give a _lot_ to look in Ukyo's head, right now.

 >     "Okay, Boss," Minami agreed, thinking of her plans for after work.

Minami: I'm going to go to a place and do an activity!

You can't be specific for obvious plot-related suspense reasons, so 
don't be generic either.

 > "I'll just turn off the sign on my way out."
 >
 >     "Thanks.  Walk home safely!"
 >
 >     Minami giggled and nodded; the area was low on crime in general.
 > When a handful of thugs had actually appeared within shouting distance
 > of the restaurant once,

wearing animal masks, right? They always wear animal masks.

 > Minami had gotten to see her employer's
 > 'combat' spatula in action.  It was swift and brief, and Minami felt
 > perfectly safe from that point on.  Of course, it hadn't happened
 > since, and that was weeks ago.
 >
 >     After taking down the store's signs for the evening and closing the
 > door, Minami took a deep breath and sighed, strolling slowly down the
 > street, hands in her skirt pockets.  Three streets down, she peeked
 > into a darkened alleyway, seeing a feminine form leaning against the
 > wall there.  "Hey," she called quietly, not quite willing to leave the
 > pool of light and safety that projected a step from the alley
 > entrance.  "I thought you might be early."
 >
 >     "When I want something, I generally get it," the woman said,
 > straightening up and striding towards Minami.  She reflexively took a
 > step back, stopping when the other woman did, still shrouded in shadow
 > and somehow more ominous apart from the walls of the buildings around
 > her.  "What do you have for me?"

Minami: Aren't we going to do the secret password thing?

Woman: Fine. The caged whale knows nothing of the mighty deeps.

Minami: . . . I think my alleyway is the next street down.

 >     "Well ... what do you need to know?"
 >
 >     "Everything," she said humorlessly.

Minami: In the beginning was nothing, and the darkness swallowed the 
face of the void. Then-

Woman: A smaller subset of everything.

 > "Is he ... seeing anyone?"
 >
 >     Minami nodded.  "Ukyou said he was dating ... Konno-san.  But now
 > he's seeing someone named Mutsumi.  I don't really know her."
 >
 >     "He broke up with this Konno?" the voice asked, suddenly eager 
and demanding.

Aw, she's just a firm believer in open relationships.

 >     "W...well...."  Minami trailed off uncomfortably.  "You promised me
 > money," she said, shaking her head.  "Why do you want to know this,
 > anyway?"
 >
 >     "Standard rates, darling," the woman said flatly.  "Are you going to
 > buy answers from me?"
 >
 >     "I suppose you think you're shrewd, but you don't hold all the cards
 > here," Minami warned.  "I've seen your type enough; you think you know
 > everything about how this works.

Minami: don'tcallthebluffdon'tcallthebluff

 > Look, Ukyou is my boss.  I'm not
 > telling you anything else, unless you can promise me that you're not
 > trying to hurt her, or me, or the restaurant."
 >
 >     "In all honesty, I couldn't care less about those things," the woman
 > said angrily.  "If that's all you need, you've got it.  As long as I
 > get what I want, I give you my word that I won't try and harm you, or
 > Kuonji."
 >
 >     "Now that we're starting to get that out of the way, what's your 
name, anyway?"
 >
 >     "Yamada Nonoko," came the answer after a moment.
 >
 >     "Well, that was a poor choice for a false name," Minami said,
 > suddenly smiling.

Hey, give her points for not using "Nanashi".

 > "Couldn't you come up with something just a little
 > less generic?  Now I know not to trust you until I can see some
 > identification."
 >
 >     Then the woman moved, emerging from the shadow, and Minami saw the
 > hand reaching for her shoulder.  There was a brief notice of the
 > woman's clean business suit, shoulder-length brown hair, and then an
 > immeasurable anger burning in her eyes.

"Notice" seems like the wrong word there. Would "flash" work?

 > Minami spun violently,
 > dizzied, and not sure what had happened until she felt an arm snake
 > around her neck from behind and yank her back in a chokehold.  She was
 > dragged into the alley, drumming her heels on the sidewalk but not
 > able to make a noise louder than a whimper.

"Drumming" seems a little off there, too. It suggests a certain 
voluntariness about the process. "Flailing" or "thrashing" would work.

 >     "You said you know how this works," her captor said tonelessly.  "So
 > now that you've gotten yourself in this deep, you're just going to
 > _give_ me what I want to know."  Minami struggled for a moment, and
 > the woman holding her chuckled menacingly.  "But I'll give you what
 > you think you want to know anyway.  My name is Tendo Nabiki.  Now
 > let's talk about Ranma...."

Nabiki Tendo doesn't take your shit. One step over the line, and she'll 
fuck you up.

 >     ***
 >
 >     Humming quietly to herself, Kasumi finished hanging the last of the
 > laundry, glad for the clear skies.  She turned around, and nearly
 > collided with her husband.  Her bad leg gave way as she tried to catch
 > herself.

::wince::

 >     His arms encircled her in a protective and welcoming hug before she
 > could fall more than a handful of centimeters.  "Morning,
 > Kasumi-chan," he whispered to her.
 >
 >     She smiled, looking up at him.  "Good morning, Tofu," she 
whispered back.
 >
 >     He helped her stand up straight again and she blushed slightly; even
 > after years of marriage, it simply seemed so ... unbelievable and
 > fantastic to her.

There are two "it"s there - Tofu helping her stand and the marriage.

"she still felt like a lovestruck newlywed" - er, my simile engine needs 
a kickstart, but something that calls out the marriage specifically.

 > "How are you doing?" he asked, his smile faltering.
 >
 >     "Ah," she said, sighing.  "That last phone call.  Father is demanding
 > grandchildren again?"
 >
 >     He winced and nodded apologetically.

Man, he must call over twice a week if she can pick it up from Tofu 
saying good morning.

 >     "When we're ready," Kasumi said, glancing in the direction of the
 > Tendo house, though it was a good kilometer away from the home she
 > shared with Tofu.

Okay, that sounds awkward.

Hmm.

"looking over the clinic wall, as though the Tendo house were still 
looming over her instead of a kilometer away"?

 >     "Yes, of course," he agreed, smiling brightly.  "It's just ... 
ever since...."
 >
 >     Kasumi nodded and took Tofu's hand.  "I think," she decided, "it's
 > time we had a talk with Father.  He needs to get over this, and it's
 > been ... too many years.  He can't add the wedding of Ranma and Akane
 > to mother's shrine, but the way he behaves...."  She sighed.  "We need
 > to speak with him."
 >
 >     Tofu hesitated.  "I can call Akane," he said after a moment.  "I'll
 > ask if we can go over for dinner."
 >
 >     "We really should invite them over here," Kasumi said, shaking 
her head.
 >
 >     "If it breaks down into an argument again, I'd like us to be able to
 > leave, instead of needing to fight your father," Tofu said quietly.

Wow. That fills out the years very nicely.

 >     Kasumi winced at that.  "You're right," she agreed.  "I will call
 > Akane, then.  I'm certain she'll welcome the break from the
 > responsibilities around the house."

Double wow. The place hasn't burned down yet?

 >     Tofu nodded and released Kasumi from his embrace.  She strode
 > forward, trying not to visibly favor her good leg.  It didn't hurt,
 > usually, it just wasn't as strong.  After the collapse of the dojo had
 > crushed her ankle, it'd healed awkwardly, no longer a joint, but a
 > more-or-less solidly fused mass.

::wince again::

Sympathy pains are a real bear.

 > Tofu's acupuncture couldn't restore
 > it, and she thought the surgeries that involved transplants from ...
 > the recently deceased ... were simply repulsive.

Very Eastern.

 >     She clucked her tongue once to herself, as she reached the phone and
 > dialed home.  "Tendo dojo," Akane answered unenthusiastically.
 >
 >     "Good morning, Akane-chan!" Kasumi replied, forcing more cheer into
 > her voice.  "How are you doing today?"
 >
 >     Akane's mood seemed to lighten, and she said, "Oh!  I didn't know it
 > was you, Kasumi.  Um ... how are you and Tofu doing?"
 >
 >     "Very well, Akane-chan.  But Tofu tells me that Father called him
 > this morning.  Did he speak with you, as well?"
 >
 >     "Ugh," Akane sighed.  "Yeah.  He's still trying to convince me to
 > find someone and make a bunch of babies for the dojo."
 >
 >     Kasumi shook her head, realizing too late that her sister would not
 > see the gesture.  "Akane-chan, I think that you and I need to speak
 > with Father about this.  He needs to let you get on with your life,
 > too."
 >
 >     "Yeah," Akane said slowly, hesitantly, "but ... how are we going to
 > get that to happen?  I mean....  You _know_ how he is.  And...."  Her
 > voice dropped to a whisper.  "Even if we do talk sense into Daddy, how
 > are we going to keep Saotome-san from breaking down when we tell Daddy
 > that ... er ... I'm not going to just marry some guy for the dojo?"

This is doing a very nice job of recap.

 >     "We can only try our best," Kasumi declared.  "I think I will let
 > Tofu speak with Saotome-san."
 >
 >     "Okay, then.  What time are you going to come over?"
 >
 >     "This afternoon, I think.  I'll make dinner, so you don't need to
 > rush yourself through your classes."
 >
 >     Akane paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I don't usually cook
 > after I teach....  But if you're sure, I could really use a nice long
 > soak after lessons."
 >
 >     Kasumi laughed aloud.  "Oh, Akane-chan, that's the least I can do!
 > Isn't Nabiki with you?"
 >
 >     "Hardly," Akane replied with a groan.  "She showed me how to handle
 > the books myself, at least, but she's so busy with college that she
 > never really has time to help out anymore.  I haven't even seen her
 > since she left for classes yesterday."
 >
 >     "Oh, dear," Kasumi sighed.  "Well, you must remember to ask me for
 > help once in a while, Akane-chan.  You're not carrying the dojo on
 > your shoulders alone."
 >
 >     This time the pause was much more marked.

Ouch.

 >     Wincing, Kasumi said, "You shouldn't have to, at least."
 >
 >     "Thanks, Kasumi," Akane said.  "Everything's going to turn out
 > alright, one way or another.  See you later today?"
 >
 >     "Oh, yes, Akane-chan.  I will, and please don't let Father bother you
 > too much."
 >
 >     "I won't.  Goodbye, Kasumi."
 >
 >     "I'll see you later, Akane-chan."
 >
 >     Setting the receiver back on the cradle, she turned around in time to
 > see her husband re-enter the house, dusting his hands off from his
 > yard work.  "Tofu?" she asked anxiously.
 >
 >     "Yes, Kasumi-chan?"
 >
 >     "When we go to see Father tonight ... and I'm sorry I must ask you
 > for this ... but could you keep Saotome-san occupied?" she asked.

Kasumi: I realize he does so badly at shogi that you actually fell 
asleep last time and still beat him, but it's his last joy in life.

If you want to put single quotes around 'occupied' that'd indicate that 
this is not likely to be a _peaceful_ occupation.

 >     Tofu looked surprised at the request, and then considered,
 > straightening out his spectacles before he shrugged.  "That's not a
 > problem," he said.  "Do you need me to take him out of the house, or
 > just away from your father?"
 >
 >     Kasumi bit her lip and stared at her feet.
 >
 >     "I'll stay within shouting distance," he decided.
 >
 >     Kasumi's smile blossomed, and for a moment her husband looked as
 > stunned as he had before he'd summoned the courage to ask her out, all
 > those years ago.
 >
 >     ***
 >
 >     After getting the information she needed, Nabiki saw to it that
 > Minami would be occupied for a while; at least long enough for her to
 > get everything she needed set up.  The first thing, of course, would
 > be to see what information could be gleaned from this 'Konno Mitsune'.
 >  If she was a bitter ex-girlfriend, or a jilted fianc�e, Nabiki might
 > find an ally to her cause.

Hmm. Was that supposed to be a paragraph, or is that an errant space?

 >     If not, she might just be able to get more information.  But Mitsune
 > lived in the same building as Ranma, and while Nabiki was eager for
 > the conflict, a frontal assault would gain her nothing.  So she'd
 > managed to get Mitsune's working address from Minami before she'd been
 > sent away.
 >
 >     After the woman's shift finished, Nabiki 'accidentally' bumped into
 > her, knocking Mitsune from the curb and into the street.  Or, that had
 > been the plan; Mitsune made a startled noise and rolled with the
 > motion, tumbling to her feet and then scurrying out of the way of an
 > oncoming car.

Watch her kill her own informant with a broken lawn chair!

 > Nabiki blinked in surprise, suddenly glad that the
 > woman had enough skill to evade the vehicle.  Her plan had involved
 > the dirty water in the gutter and a hot cup of tea to apologize for
 > the mess.
 >
 >     "Um, I'm sorry," she said to the woman.  "Are you ... okay?"
 >
 >     "I'm fine," Mitsune said, somewhat testily.  "What do you think 
you're doing?"
 >
 >     Nabiki wracked her mind, trying to think of what she could say that
 > would lead to being able to drill the woman for information.
 > Desperate, she said, "I'm sorry.  I'm....  My boyfriend just dumped
 > me."
 >
 >     "Aw," Mitsune said, sudden sympathy in her eyes.  "I know how much
 > that sucks.  You'll be okay.  Chin up, ya know?"

Mitsune: Not that I have personal experience, but two out of every three 
girls in a bar show up for just that reason.

 >     "I ... guess," Nabiki said, hanging her head and sighing.  "Um.  I
 > was just headed out to get a drink ... do you think ... I could buy
 > you one to apologize?"

I think... you can drop... that last... ellipsis....

 >     "Eh?" Mitsune noised.  "Well....  Sure!"
 >
 >     Nabiki hid an internal sigh of relief.  It wasn't her original plan,
 > and it was lacking in the subtlety she preferred, but if it came down
 > to it, she could try and get Mitsune liquored up enough to talk.  It
 > might even be faster than what she had originally intended.

Yyyyyeah. Mitsune was born with three shots of vodka in her blood and it 
hasn't gone down since.

 >     Nabiki smiled gratefully.  "Do you know a place around here that
 > serves alcohol?"  She forced down an uncomfortable shiver at the gleam
 > in Mitsune's eye at that question.
 >
 >     ***
 >
 >     After her last class finished and she'd sent the students home, Akane
 > sighed wearily and trudged into the house.  The new dojo was nicer
 > looking, and perhaps even slightly larger than the one her father had
 > built some years ago.  But it wasn't the same, and she couldn't help
 > but feel a certain sense of nostalgia whenever she looked at it.

I don't know if "nostalgia" is the word you want there.

"Regret", maybe?

 >     She passed her father and Genma playing go on her way to the bath.
 > "You need to eat more," she chided Genma in passing.

Who is this man and what has he done with Saotome Genma?

 > Ever since
 > Ranma's departure, the man hadn't sparred as much, and found himself
 > burning less energy.  Because of that, he'd fallen behind in practice,
 > eating less and less.

He needs to practice eating?

...well, maybe he does. But, uh.

He's most likely eating less because he's feeling despondent and enjoys 
eating and doesn't want to have as much to enjoy, (will not make cliche 
remark about Akane's cooking) and while this is a chain of events which 
may not necessarily occur to Akane to link together, linking it to the 
amount of practice he does seems really out there.

I think you can just excise this whole malformed explanation and replace 
it with "It was something she never thought she'd have to say, but she 
was saying it a lot these days", or something similar to link this to 
the story.

 >     At first, Akane had worried that the man was wasting away.  To a
 > small degree, she'd eventually realized he was.  A vital part of
 > himself had been lost; after he'd spent six months on the road looking
 > for his son, he'd come back gaunt and with a haunted look in his eyes.

And then Happosai bounces in after him. "Now THAT was a training trip! 
Just like old times, wasn't it?"

 >     After that, he'd been quiet and polite, simply trying to stay out
 > from underfoot.  His skills had atrophied, but Akane had managed to
 > rope him into teaching the beginner classes.  He still had more than
 > enough technique for that, and after a week or two, he'd started to
 > rebound, improving again.
 >
 >     Her own daily sparring matches with the man brought a spark of life
 > to his eyes, but she knew she couldn't push him as hard as his son
 > had, and that he was living a pale reflection of the life he'd once
 > led.  She sighed and stepped into the bathing room.  She scrubbed
 > herself quickly, rinsing, and then sighed, settling into the furo for
 > a long soak.
 >
 >     "Ranma," she mused quietly, staring at the ceiling.  Everyone had
 > been numb when it had happened; it just seemed beyond Ranma's nature
 > to demolish the dojo, and especially to cripple Kasumi.  Tears came to
 > her eyes as they always did when she remembered Ranma leaving.

Comma after eyes.

 >     She hadn't thought about what was going on; it was raining, she was
 > cold, it was wet.  Somewhere, beneath the crumbled remains of her
 > family legacy, her sister lay, maimed and quite possibly dying.  When
 > she'd finally managed to scramble her way to where she could see
 > Ranma, she saw the redhead growl at her piglet and toss the creature
 > over one shoulder.
 >
 >     Blinking away the tears that were obscuring the ceiling, she could
 > only remember the raw horror that had burned through her; had Ranma
 > gone mad?  But then her father was there, and Ranma uncovered Kasumi.
 > She was angry and confused over Ranma's treatment of P-chan, but to
 > see Kasumi so injured....

Given that the only lasting thing that's been described so far is the 
ankle, which probably would have been one of the later things Ranma 
uncovered, I'd suggest "to see Kasumi laying like that..."

 >     She wished with a sigh that she'd demanded an explanation.  It wasn't
 > the first time she made the wish, but she realized uncomfortably that
 > Ranma had tried to offer one. Akane now knew where she got her temper
 > from, and her father was in no mood to listen to reason at the time
 > either.

"Akane now knew where she got her temper from"?

Is that trying to say that seeing Soun incandescent has in retrospect 
given her insight into the fact that her temper comes from her father?

If that's the case, then "Akane now knew where she got her temper from: 
her father was in no mood" would work there.

 >     "Akane-chan?" a voice from the changing room called.
 >
 >     "Ah, sorry, Kasumi," she mumbled, pulling herself from the furo.
 > "What time is it?"
 >
 >     "Dinner will be ready soon."
 >
 >     Akane began toweling herself dry.  "Already?" she asked, surprised.
 > "Did you order take-out?"
 >
 >     "You've been in there for more than an hour, Akane-chan," Kasumi
 > chided, as Akane wrapped the towel around her chest and opened the
 > door.
 >
 >     Her older sister wore a look of amusement and sympathy.  Akane
 > couldn't help but blush.  "I lost track of time completely," she
 > admitted.  "I'll just dress, then."
 >
 >     Kasumi nodded and stepped out of the changing room to give Akane some
 > privacy.  After changing, she put all of the dirty clothes in the
 > hamper and checked her reflection to make sure that no shampoo or the
 > like was still in her hair.

There are two possible "her"s in the first sentence.

 > The image in the mirror eyed her
 > critically, and she stuck her tongue out at it.  It returned the favor
 > and Akane snorted, turning away.
 >
 >     In the living room, Akane could see that Tofu and Genma were
 > strolling across the back yard, quietly discussing something.

"From the living room", maybe.

 > Kasumi
 > and Soun sat at the table, where Kasumi had set out some of the
 > dinner, but not enough to warrant calling Tofu and Genma in.  Akane
 > took her seat and frowned at Nabiki's absence.
 >
 >     "She called to say she had to move a package to Hokkaido for a
 > project," Kasumi offered, before Akane could ask.  "Then she said she
 > had to catch a flight to an island in the south."

Pararakelse?

 >     Akane blinked, imagining her expression displayed her incredulity
 > fairly clearly.
 >
 >     Kasumi shrugged and said, "I don't know what she's up to.  But if
 > she's busy...."
 >
 >     "Well, what's this all about, then?" Soun asked, setting down his
 > newspaper, seeming to only just then realize that he wasn't alone.  He
 > grinned and looked between his daughters.  "Ah!  Akane, you're looking
 > well.  And Kasumi!  It's good to see you!  You know, just this
 > morning, I was talking to-"

I can see this kind of manic cheerfulness.

Brr.

 >     "I know, Father," Kasumi overrode him gently.  "He told me."
 >
 >     "Ah," Soun said, his cheer slightly diminishing.  "Well, then ... how
 > about it?"
 >
 >     "We will have children when we're ready, Father," Kasumi said in the
 > same gentle tone.  "That's not going to change."
 >
 >     "But ... we need an heir for the dojo," he protested.  "I mean-"
 >
 >     "That I'm not good enough?" Akane asked.
 >
 >     "What?"  Soun looked genuinely confused.  "Why would you think that?"
 >
 >     "Because I'm here, Daddy," Akane sighed.  "Because I'm here, and I've
 > been here over two decades.  I'm the one who uses that new dojo -- the
 > one Nabiki and I built.  Me and Saotome-san teach there, and you
 > don't.

Man, how many times has she had to say this?

 > Ranma's gone.  I wish I knew more about why ... he did what he
 > did.  Why...."  She trailed off and shrugged uncomfortably.
 >
 >     The accident was something that they had never discussed in detail.
 >
 >     "I know some of it," Kasumi offered, frowning.  "I heard him arguing
 > with Ryouga-kun before...."  She shrugged herself, one hand going to
 > her fused ankle.
 >
 >     "What?" Akane asked, somewhat surprised.  "But he wasn't there -- I
 > got to the dojo first.  It was dark, but Ranma pulled P-chan from the
 > rubble.  I never saw Ryouga at all."  She frowned.  "He probably hurt
 > P-chan when he threw him across the yard," she murmured.  Swallowing,
 > she added, "I ... never saw P-chan after that.  Do you suppose that
 > ... that Ranma ... killed him?"
 >
 >     Soun blinked, looking rather as though someone had dropped a freight
 > train on him.  "Excuse me?" he managed in a wavering voice.  "Ryouga
 > was there?"

Soun: Oh shiiiiiii

 >     "Yes," Kasumi said.  "But Father, that's not what's important right
 > now.  We need to explain why you have to stop-"
 >
 >     "Wait," he said, unnatural force in his tone silencing both Akane and
 > her elder sister.  "This is critical."  He turned to Akane, and she
 > felt suddenly intimidated by the glow in his eyes.  "You saw your pet
 > pig.  Ranma pulled it from the wreckage of the dojo?"
 >
 >     "Y...yes," Akane said falteringly.  "But how is this-"
 >
 >     "If we are lucky," Soun growled, "then Ranma did kill the pig."
 >
 >     "Father!" Kasumi yelled, while Akane reeled.  "Please!  Don't play
 > games like this!"
 >
 >     As soon as she raised her voice, Tofu was inside, crouching nearby
 > protectively and checking to make sure she wasn't hurt before shooting
 > an angry look at Soun.

These little gestures do a nice job of filling in the intervening years.

 > Genma ambled in and waited in the entryway,
 > watching with silent curiosity.
 >
 >     "Saotome," Soun said in a quiet voice, closing his eyes, and placing
 > a hand across his face.  "I ... may have accused your son in error.
 > He may not have been responsible for what happened those years ago."
 >
 >     Akane recovered herself, but if anything, the situation was only
 > becoming more confusing.  A glance at Kasumi showed that her older
 > sister apparently felt the same way, and the two exchanged a shrug
 > before turning to look at Soun curiously.
 >
 >     Taking a deep breath, Soun motioned for Genma to have a seat.
 > "Saotome," he continued in that quiet, solemn voice.  "Can you tell my
 > daughters about Ryouga's Jusenkyou curse?"
 >
 >     "Ryouga's curse?" Akane asked in shock.  "What?"
 >
 >     Genma nodded.  "Certainly!" he said agreeably.  "Ah ... as I recall
 > it, when Ranma and I had just gotten our own curses in China and we
 > were sparring, Ranma accidentally...."  He trailed off suddenly and
 > blinked, turning to look at Akane.  "Ah, actually, Tendo, if you think
 > about it-"

Ah, Genma. You only realize the land mine's there when you hear it arming.

 >     "I think it's time to let them know that truth," Soun said with iron
 > in his voice.  "It makes certain others clear."
 >
 >     "Er....  Alright then," Genma said, shrugging uncomfortably.  "Ranma
 > accidentally knocked Ryouga into the spring of drowned pig.  I didn't
 > know until after I picked up a little black piglet and brought it to
 > the guide to boil.  Of course, I didn't recognize Ryouga at the time,
 > but...."
 >
 >     Akane felt the world around her grow diffuse and unfocused.  Her
 > father and Genma loomed before her, giant in her field of vision, yet
 > meek, and cowering away.  She was aware briefly that the table with
 > the dinner Kasumi had made was gone, and that Tofu had retreated to
 > the far side of the room, his wife held in his arms.  The fear in
 > Genma and Soun's eyes wasn't enough to overshadow the anger reflected
 > back from her own gaze, an emotion that Akane knew she showed, if she
 > didn't let herself feel it.  The hole in the floor approximating the
 > table's size kept her from easily stepping forward and throttling her
 > father; that second of delay gave her enough time to reconsider her
 > course of action.

This is a very nice depiction of a breaking temper.

 >     "You're telling me," she heard her voice say, from very far away,
 > when her body stopped moving towards Soun, "that Ryouga was P-chan."
 >
 >     Genma and Soun both managed a jerky, hesitant nod to her 
non-question.
 >
 >     "And you -- both of you -- for whatever reason, decided that even
 > though you knew, I shouldn't?" she asked.
 >
 >     "W...well..." Genma began, cringing away, but not turning to flee.
 >
 >     "It ... was my decision," Soun said, shaking his head, unshed tears
 > shining in his eyes.  "I ... I thought that Ryouga as a rival would
 > force ... Ranma closer to you.  To protect you from ... Ryouga."

I don't have the originals on my at the moment. Was that the logic, or 
was it that they wanted to honor the promise between men that Ranma made 
not to reveal Ryoga's weaknesses?

 >     "I see," her voice came, still from across that great distance.  "I'm
 > going for a walk now, Daddy.  Saotome-san.  I need time to think."
 > She plodded slowly to the doorway, but paused there, and turned back.
 > >From a distance, her father seemed tiny, and inconsequential.  "Daddy?
 >  You've done enough meddling in our lives when it comes to love and
 > marriage.  I think this should show you why I'm not going to allow you
 > to bother Kasumi and Tofu before they're ready anymore."

I think you can just start that last sentence with "I'm not going to 
allow you". I mean, there's a HOLE in the FLOOR. She doesn't need to 
point it out.

 >     She heard someone calling for her, but didn't heed it; she was out
 > into the yard and then leaping over the wall before she let the tears
 > of betrayal flow.
 >
 >     ***
 >
 >     Motoko easily deflected the first three strikes and slid to the side
 > of the fourth, kicking out and catching her sensei in the stomach.  He
 > grunted and stepped back, then surged forward, pinpoint accurate
 > pressure-point strikes numbing her arm.
 >
 >     She let her sword fall and used a palm-strike to shove Ranma back,
 > granting her distance.

"granting" is a little too objective there. "gaining some distance" or 
"separation" might work.

 > While Ranma flipped backwards, away from her
 > reach, she activated the counter-points, waiting for feeling to
 > return.
 >
 >     "Oe-sensei!" Shinobu called from the doorway to the kitchen.
 >
 >     Ranma held up a hand to signify that the fight was over for the
 > moment and turned to look at the girl curiously as she jogged across
 > the lawn.  Motoko picked up and cleaned her blade before sheathing it.
 >  "What's up, Shinobu-chan?" Ranma asked, grinning at the girl.
 >
 >     Shinobu looked upset, concern etching her features.  "Kitsune's in
 > trouble," she explained, offering Ranma a piece of paper.

Does she come out smiling and then suddenly look upset, or does Ranma 
grin at an upset Shinobu?

 >     "This is the address to a bar?" Ranma asked, scratching his head
 > before copying the note into his book.  "What kind of trouble is she
 > in?"

He knows her well enough to know that bars are the location for Kitsune 
trouble?

 >     "I'm not sure," Shinobu said tremulously.  "But the bartender said
 > she passed out."
 >
 >     Ranma grunted.  "You stay here with Shinobu, Motoko-chan," he
 > decided.  "I'll go get Kitsune."  Motoko nodded, stepping back when
 > Tama lit upon Ranma's head and chirped.  "I--"  He paused, and glanced
 > up at the turtle.  "We'll be right back," he decided.
 >
 >     And then he ran off, not even grabbing his bicycle, vanishing 
into the trees.

Tama: Tyu! <This is the oooonly way to flyyyyyy...>

 >     Shinobu sighed, watching him leave.  "I'm so glad he's here," she
 > finally said.  "He really seems to handle emergencies so well."
 >
 >     "I'd almost think he enjoyed it," Motoko said quietly.  "I think that
 > it's when things seem most wrong, that he seems to be most alive."
 >
 >     "What does that mean?" Shinobu asked, blinking.

Well, it means that he's happy to DO stuff. Training isn't DOING 
something, per se.

 >     "It means," Motoko said slowly, "that I think Oe-sensei tries to do
 > good things and fix problems because of a mistake he mentioned he made
 > once.  I didn't see it before, but I know now that Oe-sensei lives to
 > right wrongs.  This is a more noble goal than my own, which is simply
 > to destroy evil."
 >
 >     "Destroying evil is good, though," Shinobu opined.
 >
 >     "But righting wrongs is also very important," Motoko countered.  "It
 > becomes clear to me that what my sister wished me to learn was not
 > combat skill, but wisdom."
 >
 >     Shinobu blinked at that, but said nothing until a bounding blur lit
 > on the yard and streaked towards them.  Motoko's sword was quickly
 > drawn and held loosely at her side: ready but not menacing.  The new
 > arrival slowed down, stumbling to a halt outside of Motoko's reach.
 >
 >     Motoko sheathed her sword with the same alacrity it had been bared.
 > "Kuonji-san?" she asked.  "Are you well?"
 >
 >     Shinobu's eyes widened; the chef looked a mess.  Her eyes were red
 > and her hair was mussed.  Her clothing was disheveled, as though she'd
 > been running for a long time.

How is that different from having been in, say, a knock-down-drag-out 
fight with a takoyaki chef in an octopus mask?

 > "Is Ranchan around?" she asked, one
 > hand rising to try and rub some of the fatigue from her eyes.
 >
 >     "He just left to take care of something," Motoko said apologetically.
 >  "I expect he'll return shortly.  What seems to be the problem?"
 >
 >     Ukyou opened her mouth to say something, and then glanced from Motoko
 > to Shinobu and closed it.  Swallowing, she offered, "I can tell you
 > that I think that Minami was kidnapped, but that's all I've got.
 > Ranchan's a good tracker, so I'm ... hoping he can find her for me."
 >
 >     "What makes you think she was kidnapped?"
 >
 >     "Because Minami's a good girl, and wouldn't abandon her little
 > sister," Ukyou said, shaking her head.  "I checked with the police.
 > I've filed a missing person's report.  I spent all of yesterday asking
 > after her.  When her sister called at lunchtime to ask if Minami was
 > there, I knew something was wrong.  I've been searching since then."
 >
 >     "Who's taking care of the girl?" Motoko asked.
 >
 >     Ukyou waved a hand dismissively and said, "My father came into town
 > yesterday.  I got Noriko and left her with him.  He also took over the
 > store so I could look for Minami."

Looks like she's blowing off her old man that way.

If she doesn't think it's important than try something like:

"My father. He's minding the store." Ukyou didn't linger on the words. 
"Where'd Ranchan go?"

 >     "Let's go inside," Shinobu suggested.  "Ranma will come back soon,
 > I'm sure.  I can make you some tea while you wait."
 >
 >     "Yeah," Ukyou said after a moment, nodding with a sigh.  "Tea 
would be good."
 >
 >     ***
 >
 >     The mists had vanished for the moment.  That curious month of no
 > mystery sat heavily on the inn,

The who to the what now?

 > and Haruka wondered what changes they
 > would bring.  In a week, possibly two, they would come back, and play
 > with the sakura blossoms, wrapping the ward once more in its cloak.
 > But something ... the wa of the inn was shifting curiously.  Enough
 > that she could feel it from where she sat.
 >
 >     Grunting, she pulled a cellular phone from her pocket and pressed a
 > single button.  After a trio of rings, she heard, "Noriyasu.  You
 > point, I dig.  What do you need?"
 >
 >     "Ah, I thought you'd quit the artifact retrieval gig," she murmured
 > around her cigarette.
 >
 >     "Haruka-chan?" Seta asked.  "Oh, well....  I require paperwork to
 > authorize anything I do, but yes.  A job is a job."
 >
 >     "And a legit one is a better one," Haruka agreed.  "Listen, things
 > are heating up.  I don't know what's going on, but I'm worried about
 > Keitaro and the girls."
 >
 >     "And Oe?" Seta asked.
 >
 >     "Well, not nearly as much as you, but yeah," Haruka admitted.  "Can
 > you come down and stay around the inn for a week or two?  I think I'd
 > ... feel a little better if you were nearby."
 >
 >     "Wish it, and it will be done!" Seta enthused, before a momentary
 > crackle of static sounded.  Haruka checked her phone's reception
 > briefly.
 >
 >     "You're breaking up," she said.  "You're coming to Hinata, right?"
 >
 >     "Once I'm done with this minefield, sure," Seta agreed.  "Give me 
a bit."
 >
 >     "Good.  See you then."  She hesitated, and then narrowed her eyes,
 > glancing around to ensure no one was looking.  Bad enough they see
 > that she was plotting behind everyone's backs.  For the moment, she
 > had a greater secret to keep.  "Take care, Anata," she murmured, using
 > the familiar term of endearment.
 >
 >     He chuckled and said, "Okay.  You too, Haruka-chan."

Nice conversation.

 >     Then she hung up before she said anything else.  "I'm not sure how,
 > but this is Keitaro's fault," she mumbled.  After a moment of
 > hesitation, as she saw Ranma bounding up the steps carrying Mitsune in
 > his arms, she added, "Or Oe's."

It's their fault that Seta knows she's got the hots for him?

 >     She closed up the empty teashop quickly, and got to the main room of
 > the inn to catch the tail end of a conversation between the tenants
 > and ... Ukyou?  Haruka masked a frown.  She liked the young woman well
 > enough, but how did she fit into this?
 >
 >     "...help you track her, no problem," Ranma said.  "I'm just worried
 > about Kitsune.  She looked kinda bad."
 >
 >     Haruka stepped closer, surveying the room.  Keitaro and Naru stood
 > together near the television, looking at Ranma and Mitsune curiously.
 > Motoko leaned on a nearby wall, Shinobu standing at her side.  Mutsumi
 > sat on the couch, Mitsune's head in her lap.  Ukyou stood just behind
 > Ranma, arms crossed beneath her chest.  Ranma knelt next to the couch,
 > peering at Mitsune in consternation.

Ranma: Well, this is another fine mess you've gotten me into.

When I see "consternation" it implies some dissatisfaction with the 
state of affairs as caused by a particular person. "peering intently at 
Mitsune"?

 >     For her part, the young woman was slack-jawed, not quite drooling in
 > her sleep, but obviously slumbering deeply.  Haruka's eyes narrowed
 > and she brushed past Ranma, pushing the young woman's eyelids up, and
 > then checking her pulse.  "Hmm," she mused.  "She's not waking up.
 > Her skin is turning slightly blue, and it's a bit cold to the touch.
 > She's breathing at just under nine breaths a minute, and not very
 > regularly."
 >
 >     A cautious sniff at her breath confirmed Haruka's suspicions.  "She's
 > drunk an awful lot, it seems.  I think she's probably suffering
 > alcohol poisoning -- we should call an ambulance."
 >
 >     "What?" Ranma asked, blinking.  "Why would she--  Never mind."  He
 > motioned Haruka back and placed one palm on the woman's forehead, the
 > other resting flat on her stomach.  He concentrated for a moment and
 > then shook his head.  "I need a drink or else I can't do it."
 >
 >     "I can help!" Shinobu called eagerly, vanishing into the kitchen.
 > She returned with a sake bottle a moment later, Sara and Suu in tow.
 > Ranma accepted the bottle and downed it in an instant, grimacing
 > afterwards.

...wow. That's a lot of alcohol in a little time. Sake's pretty high-test.

 >     "Here goes nothing," he murmured, placing his hands on Mitsune again.
 >  This time, he erupted in blue fire, which quickly spread to surround
 > Mitsune.  Even though the flame touched her, Mutsumi seemed
 > unaffected, merely putting a hand on the younger woman's shoulder.
 > The fire around Ranma winked out quickly, but the one around Mitsune
 > intensified into a blinding blaze.  It took nearly a full minute to
 > vanish, and when it did, Mitsune was sweating profusely, but still
 > unconscious.
 >
 >     "Are you sending her into shock?" Haruka asked critically.

Haruka: The blue flames are usually shock. If it was green flames I 
wouldn't be worried.

I think just "You're sending her into shock," matter-of-factly, would work.

 >     "Ain't done yet," Ranma said, catching his breath, and then crossing
 > his arms.  He mumbled something Haruka couldn't catch, and drew his
 > hands apart.  The dragon-scale bracers grated across one-another,
 > tendrils of what looked like writhing white lightning erupting from
 > the contact points and linking them.  That white light surged across
 > his bracers and up into his hands before vanishing.

Ranma: Stupid cheap disposable ancient artifacts...

 >     Placing his hands on Mitsune once more, he said, "Third time's a 
charm."
 >
 >     And then he burst into flame, white, green, gold, and black.  The
 > colors swirled about him, white concentrated at his hands.  The green
 > quickly faded, but the black seemed to migrate and concentrate over
 > Ranma's heart, streaks of it threatening and driving towards his
 > hands.
 >
 >     "Ranma-kun," Mutsumi murmured quietly.  Haruka doubted anyone but she
 > and Ranma could hear it, especially as they were distracted by the
 > pyrotechnics.  The black receded to a tiny pinprick, and then Mitsune
 > was wreathed in a halo of white fire.  It faded, leaving her looking
 > clean, comfortable ... and still unconscious.  The light vanished from
 > around Ranma and he sat back on his heels heavily.

Okay. _Something_ went on there, but I have no idea what it was, what it 
meant, why the colors were important, what happened to the gold, and why 
the black existed or why Mitsune only flamed out when it was gone.

I realize only Ranma actually knows what's going on and you've got 
someone else's viewpoint, but you need to do more there than just 
provide an account of events.

 >     Haruka peered at her critically.  Her color was normal, and her
 > breathing settled into a more normal pattern for a sleeping woman.
 > She couldn't smell any alcohol in the air anymore, and a cautious
 > touch showed that Mitsune's temperature was back to normal as well.
 > "Nice work," she decided.  "How long will she be out?"

The immediate "her" the second sentence refers to is Haruka.

 >     "A while," Ranma panted, collapsing to lie on his back on the floor.
 > "Someone ... shake her until she wakes up and make her drink some
 > water before she passes out again."
 >
 >     "Oe-sensei?" Motoko asked.  "Are you well?"
 >
 >     "Will be in a bit," he mumbled.  "Ucchan.  Mind if I ... catch my
 > breath before we hunt for Minami?"
 >
 >     "That's fine, Ranchan," she said agreeably.  "Um.  Just to let you
 > know, my father's in town, so-"
 >
 >     "I'll just splash myself before we go, then," Ranma murmurred, his
 > eyes drifting closed.

"Murmured".

 >     Ukyou nodded, and Haruka surveyed the tableau for a moment.  "Okay,"
 > she announced.  "Ranma's going to be out for an hour at least.
 > Shinobu, could you please get me a pitcher of water for Kitsune?
 > Motoko, would you and Kuonji-san be so kind as to take Ranma to his
 > room?  Once you're done, I've got a futon in the guest bedroom at the
 > teashop you can use until he wakes up.  I'll show you to it,
 > Kuonji-san."

Okay, now this description of the aftermath I understand a lot more 
thoroughly.

 >     "Thanks," Ukyou mumbled tiredly, gathering Ranma up in her arms
 > before Motoko could offer to assist.  Turning to the kendoka, she
 > asked, "Which way?"
 >
 >     Motoko frowned slightly, but shrugged.  "Follow me," she said, while
 > Shinobu rushed to the kitchen for some water.  Sara and Suu both
 > melted into the ether after Shinobu, leaving Haruka alone with
 > Mutsumi, Keitaro, and Naru.  And Mitsune, but she didn't think the
 > newly healed young woman was cognizant enough to matter at the moment.

"detoxed", maybe. Unless Ranma made her liver bright and shiny or something.

 >     "Keitaro," Haruka said, narrowing her eyes.  "I know you've been
 > practicing with Seta while you were on that island.  I'm going to let
 > you have that sword you used during the play."  His only response was
 > to look very confused.

Yeah, he's not the only one. But then Haruka doesn't explain much, does she?

Even so, "I have a feeling you may need it" would go a long way.

 > "Mutsumi, thank you for watching over Oe.  I
 > doubt he pays enough attention to his own well-being."
 >
 >     "I think it's charming," she murmured in reply.  "But yes.  If he
 > won't take better care of himself, I suppose I'll do it for him."
 >
 >     "What ... about me?" Naru asked, glancing between Keitaro and 
Mutsumi.

The return of the James T. Kirk pause!

 >     "Keep your eyes open," Haruka advised.  "I think things are about to
 > get very interesting."
 >     --------------------------------------

K. One final qualm. A problem I have, addressing which might end up 
negating a lot of the good stuff you've put into this, but still a problem.

It might just be the little fanboy inside of me, but hurting Kasumi 
seems pretty off-flavor. Ranma's entire history and the resulting 
complications do, now that it's out in the open.

People don't generally get hurt in Ranma. If they do it's comedy pain, 
which lasts just long enough for an embarrassing photograph. People 
don't generally get hurt in Love Hina. If they do it's primarily for 
irony purposes, like the broken leg that keeps Keitaro out of Todai 
(when the man has survived being hucked into the path of a firework). 
And when Keitaro gets kidnapped it's so Suu can marry him and live 
happily ever after, which will only be a disaster for a few people.

I'm not sure whether Shonen Protagonist Cascade Failure could get Ranma 
out of Nerima _without_ something that drastic, and obviously you want 
to deal with Nerima wanting him back.

But that doesn't change the little voice in the back of my head going 
"don't hurt Kasumi! T_T"

--GF

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