On Jun 27, 2006, at 3:52 PM, The Eternal Lost Lurker wrote:

To celebrate the newly evolved FFML...

And to C&C in the spirit of the newly evolved FFML...
I already read this at your website, but here's some C&C.

Eighteen Sickles (and a Knut)

by The Eternal Lost Lurker

Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, Bloomsbury, Raincoast,  
Scholastic, and
AOL Time Warner, Inc. Used without permission, with no intent of  
profit.

Note: This is a fifth-year story which ignores Order of the Phoenix.



-1-

His eyes were riveted on her as she walked across the Great Hall,  
laughing
and joking with her friends as she drew near the Ravenclaw table  
and took a
seat.

1) "riveted" sounds off to me. I expect this is mostly just a  
personal reaction, but I'd suggest something like "fixed", or  
something else that couldn't imply blunt trauma to his eyes.
2) You've got "as she" twice in as many phrases. I'd suggest  
"laughing and joking with her friends on her way to the Ravenclaw  
table" or something of the sort.

"Oi, Harry."

Everything about her fascinated him still. The fine porcelain of  
her skin,

Wow, Cho's a golem. Okay, this is even more of a personal opinion,  
but I think the way you phrased that would sound odd even in a purely  
realistic story.

her slight, slender figure--

"Oi, Harry..."

--her beautiful, unblemished face, her rosy lips--

"Harry?"

--the sparkling jewels of her dark eyes, the way her long, shiny  
raven hair
swung and swayed with every shake or nod--

Right, he's got it hard.

"Oi, Harry!"

--the musical lilt of her laughter which he could hear even across the
crowded hall, the sparkle in her eyes, long absent after the death of
Cedric, but slowly beginning to reappear, the dazzling brightness  
of her
smile--

"Oh, nevermind. Wingardium Leviosa."

--the way that pot of mashed potatoes just floated past...*mashed  
potatoes?*

Harry Potter blinked and looked around, watching as the aforementioned
floating pot landed directly in front of his best friend, Ron  
Weasley, who
began lumping a huge helping onto his plate.

"Really, Ron, was that absolutely necessary?" Hermione Granger  
asked, a
familiar note of exasperation in her voice.

"'m hmmry, Hmmnne," Ron said around a mouthful of potatoes.  
Hermione made a
disgusted noise and shook her head. After Ron swallowed, he nudged  
Harry in
the shoulder. "So what's with you, then? You've been staring off  
into space
all through dinner..."

I'd expect he could get a bit of a 'g' sound in there. "hmgry"

"It's not space he's staring at," Hermione said, as if it should be  
the most
obvious thing in the world. "Honestly, Harry, there has to be a  
better way
for you to deal with this fixation you have on Cho Chang than  
staring at her
through every meal like this."

Harry, for his part, turned bright red. "It's not like that!" he  
protested.

"Oh? Then what *is* it like, hmm?" Hermione asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Well...it's...it's like..."

"Yes?"

"It's like..."

"It's like treacle fudge," Ron said as he finished clearing his  
dinner plate
and reached for the desserts which had just appeared on the table.  
"The more
you see of it, the more you want it."

Harry and Hermione stared at him. "Mmf?" he asked, treacle clamping  
his
teeth together.

"You are impossible," Hermione informed Ron, before rising from the  
table
and stalking crisply out of the hall.

So, she's done eating already? I was under the impression the meal  
had just started.

-3-

Ron had already gone up to bed; Harry remained in the common room,  
seated
across from Hermione. The latter had her nose buried in a heavy  
tome as
usual; Harry had his Potions homework spread out before him, but  
was merely
toying with his quill and gazing unseeingly at his blank parchment.

"It's not going to do itself," Hermione admonished, not looking up  
from her
book.

Harry grunted and tried to apply himself. Hermione heard the  
scratching of
his quill, and for a while, ceased badgering him.

His mind was as far from Potions as it could possibly be, though.  
Indeed,
rather than thinking of boiling cauldrons, cold, wet dungeons, and  
deadly,
sibilant hissing, his mind was lost among the clouds, soaring with a
beautiful eagle, a lion on a wing, chasing that elusive, golden  
feeling...

He was brought back to reality when Hermione, having noticed he'd  
stopped
writing, took his roll of parchment and began reading it. "Let's  
see how
your essay is coming," she said. "'Flying in the sky, no draught of  
life
elixir, sweeter than your smile. Beautiful eagles, exotic raven  
beauty, cats
must chase their prey. I seek something gold...' Harry, what the  
devil is
this? You're supposed to be doing Potions, not...not...sappy poetry!"

Harry blinked. "I...err..."

Hermione rolled her eyes and threw the roll of parchment back at him
disgustedly. "You need to get a grip on yourself, Harry. This is  
NOT the
time to be spacing out over a girl."

So, when is a good time?

More seriously, I'm not seeing a lot of depth to her characterisation  
here. This early in the school year, there's nowhere near as much  
pressure to be revising for the O.W.L.s, and while she is of course  
focused on studies, this seems a bit much. You've got her in two  
modes, nagging and helpful, but that doesn't actual characterisation  
make. I'd suggest either lengthening the fic to give her more depth,  
or cutting her out almost entirely. If you go the latter route, you  
could instead have Harry remembering something like when she told Ron  
off for waiting too long to ask her to the Yule Ball.

"Well...you *could* try talking to her," Hermione pointed out. Seeing
Harry's poleaxed expression, she groaned. "Okay, then try the old  
secret
admirer routine. It usually doesn't work, but there's always a  
chance it
might."

Harry looked thoughtful. "That's not a bad idea, come to think of  
it..."

-4-

Cho Chang hummed to herself as she lathered her long, luxurious  
raven hair.

Does she really think about her hair in those terms? She is the  
viewpoint character here, right?

Myrtle nodded. "Oh, yes. I like to visit sometimes--I don't say  
anything,
mind. I just...watch..." She grinned slyly. "By the way, your old  
boyfriend
Cedric Diggory was quite well built, you know?" She sighed. "Such a  
shame
what happened to him..."

I'd like to say you've got Myrtle's voice down really well here.

"You do if it's a boy," Marietta said, smirking.

Was Marietta supposed to come across as jealous of Cho's attention?  
Because that's the impression I got.

Dear Cho,

This isn't ideally the way I'd go about this.

To be perfectly honest, I feel like a silly git;

Nothing wrong with the letter itself, but the formatting is messed up.

"Harry," Hermione said in an exasperated tone. "Trust me. My advice  
worked
once already, didn't it?"

"Yeah--"

"Then keep following it," Hermione said crisply. "Now, here's what  
you're
going to do..."

Given that her advice earlier had "It usually doesn't work, but  
there's always a chance it might." tagged on, I'm not sure she's got  
the right to be quite that exasperated.


No particular comments on the rest of it; once Hermione got offstage,  
it went much more smoothly. Thanks for the read.


I am a leaf on the wind.
Watch how I soar.




             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'