To celebrate the newly evolved FFML...

And to C&C in the spirit of the newly evolved FFML...
I already read this at your website, but here's some C&C.

Yay!

His eyes were riveted on her as she walked across the Great Hall,
laughing
and joking with her friends as she drew near the Ravenclaw table
and took a
seat.

1) "riveted" sounds off to me. I expect this is mostly just a
personal reaction, but I'd suggest something like "fixed", or
something else that couldn't imply blunt trauma to his eyes.

Riveted is valid in this context, and fairly commonly used for exactly this
type of descriptive.

2) You've got "as she" twice in as many phrases. I'd suggest
"laughing and joking with her friends on her way to the Ravenclaw
table" or something of the sort.

Now THIS is a good point. I'll tweak it.

Everything about her fascinated him still. The fine porcelain of
her skin,

Wow, Cho's a golem. Okay, this is even more of a personal opinion,
but I think the way you phrased that would sound odd even in a purely
realistic story.

Oriental characters--and even non-Oriental ones--in literature are
frequently described as having "porcelain white" skin. It's, again, a valid
narrative descriptive for the context. But your opinion is noted and logged.
^_^

--the sparkling jewels of her dark eyes, the way her long, shiny
raven hair
swung and swayed with every shake or nod--

Right, he's got it hard.

Oh yeah.

"'m hmmry, Hmmnne," Ron said around a mouthful of potatoes.
Hermione made a
disgusted noise and shook her head. After Ron swallowed, he nudged
Harry in
the shoulder. "So what's with you, then? You've been staring off
into space
all through dinner..."

I'd expect he could get a bit of a 'g' sound in there. "hmgry"

Have you SEEN Ron eat? :P

"You are impossible," Hermione informed Ron, before rising from the
table
and stalking crisply out of the hall.

So, she's done eating already? I was under the impression the meal
had just started.

Desserts come after the main meal at Hogwarts, remember? Anyway, she's doing
the Pissed Off Girl Stompaway.

Hermione rolled her eyes and threw the roll of parchment back at him
disgustedly. "You need to get a grip on yourself, Harry. This is
NOT the
time to be spacing out over a girl."

So, when is a good time?

History of Magic.

More seriously, I'm not seeing a lot of depth to her characterisation
here. This early in the school year, there's nowhere near as much
pressure to be revising for the O.W.L.s, and while she is of course
focused on studies, this seems a bit much. You've got her in two
modes, nagging and helpful, but that doesn't actual characterisation
make. I'd suggest either lengthening the fic to give her more depth,
or cutting her out almost entirely. If you go the latter route, you
could instead have Harry remembering something like when she told Ron
off for waiting too long to ask her to the Yule Ball.

You do raise a valid point; the problem is, Hermione is needed in exactly
the way I'm using her for the purposes of the story flow. And really, she's
not acting unreasonably out of character. It's start of fifth year, she's a
new Prefect, it's only natural her bossiness level would rise.

Cho Chang hummed to herself as she lathered her long, luxurious
raven hair.

Does she really think about her hair in those terms? She is the
viewpoint character here, right?

Maybe she does? In any case, narrative perspective DOES allow for some
leeway...

But maybe I'll tweak it.

Myrtle nodded. "Oh, yes. I like to visit sometimes--I don't say
anything,
mind. I just...watch..." She grinned slyly. "By the way, your old
boyfriend
Cedric Diggory was quite well built, you know?" She sighed. "Such a
shame
what happened to him..."

I'd like to say you've got Myrtle's voice down really well here.

Thanks. ^_^

"You do if it's a boy," Marietta said, smirking.

Was Marietta supposed to come across as jealous of Cho's attention?
Because that's the impression I got.

Might be so. I make no excuses for any handling I give Marietta; she's a
hobag in canon, and I can't make myself NOT write her as a hobag in
fanfiction.

Dear Cho,

This isn't ideally the way I'd go about this.

To be perfectly honest, I feel like a silly git;

Nothing wrong with the letter itself, but the formatting is messed up.

Yeah, that's what happens when you paste directly from a formatted RTF ^^;;

"Then keep following it," Hermione said crisply. "Now, here's what
you're
going to do..."

Given that her advice earlier had "It usually doesn't work, but
there's always a chance it might." tagged on, I'm not sure she's got
the right to be quite that exasperated.

Yes, but it IS Hermione.

No particular comments on the rest of it; once Hermione got offstage,
it went much more smoothly. Thanks for the read.

Thanks for the comments. ^_^

================================
Please do not stare at my crotch.
              ~~*~~
The Eternal Lost Lurker
www.lurkerdrome.com



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