This could have been fun.

Could have.

Problem is, it was written without thought, without contemplation of
the choices possible.
   

What did you expect from a teenage girl who flunked her english class, ny 
bestseller?
 

You're missing the point. If you were able to write best-sellers, you 
wouldn't be posting stuff here.
On top of which, the complaint about this story had nothing to do with 
your English. It had to do with a series of events occurring which made 
no sense and went nowhere.

So far, I've seen a couple of very helpful critiques of your post. You 
should pay close attention what was said.

The points that were brought up are as follows:
1- You have Ranma and Ryoga both start chasing after lesbians before 
going after each other. Why? Dare I suggest that this is a fetish of 
yours that you wanted to quickly play out?
2- There is no logical progression for them to go the direction you've 
pointed them in.
3- Both Ranma and Ryouga are wildly out of character. Unless you can 
give some reason for them to do this, no one will accept it. If you've 
read "They Outward Part", you may find some insight on how the author 
takes a character and gets him to accept a situation which, under all 
other circumstances, would be utterly out of character for him. Hell, 
even a knock on the head giving them both amnesia would at least be 
something.
4- What you posted is like an except from a larger story. I could almost 
envision taking a book and opening it half way and reading such a passage.

In short, what you posted was an idea. Not a story. The idea should 
either be considered the skeleton or perhaps the goal of the story. If 
you take what you wrote and build a framework around it, you'll be going 
the right direction.

If you want the rest of the FFML to take you seriously, you have to give 
some thought to what you are trying to get across when you write something.

What is it you want the characters to do?
Why do you think the players would do something... especially if it is 
out of character?
How will other characters react when someone does something? In many 
cases, just getting to the goal is not enough. The conflict the 
characters cause as you move them to the goal is often more important 
than the goal itself.

FYI: Ranma and Ryoga becoming lesbian lovers has been done before. The 
trick is not getting them together. It's getting them together in such a 
way that the audience believe it could be possible.

-- 
  ___________
 / Here lies:\  Ryougasai... the eternal lost hentai.
|   Andrew    | 
|             |
|   I think   |          Andrew Petalik
| he's hungry | Opportunity knocks but rarely. Don't let it
|             | slip between your fingers when it does.


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