Z�riHB wrote:

                          a Ranma 1/2 Crossover Fanficton


                               Everyone has a master
                              Jeder hat seinen Meister


                               written by Kawaii-e

                                    [{(<*>)}]


Tokyo, one o' clock in the afternoon, an old man and a young women sat in a
coffee shop and negotiated.

Here's your first mistake.  No, not "women" instead of "woman".  With 
this format, you must never directly lie to the audience.  In fact it's 
not a good idea to lie the audience any time you have an impersonal 
narrator.    Scrooge McDuck isn't an old man.  He's an old duck of the 
cartoon variety.  The easiest way to set the audience up for a reveal of 
something that would be obvious about a character to anyone looking at 
him, is to write in the first person.  Anyone seeing Scrooge McDuck 
would instantly think about him being a duck, but Scrooge himself never 
thinks about his duck-like appearance.  More likely he'd just wonder why 
all the people are looking at him so strangely.  Haven't they ever seen 
a foreigner before?

She said: "I charge at least 500'000 Yen for this information."

"That's daylight robbery!" did he counter: "I can get this little piece of
information everywhere on the street!"

"The won't say anything!" She explained.

"They won't say anything!" she explained.

He: "I pay 100 Yen."

She: "Your understating, no information for less than 500'000!"

He: "500'000 is too much! Settle it at 150 Yen!"

She: "You're persistent, I'll give you a discount, making it 499'900 Yen!"

He: "I can't pay more than 200 yen because of simple logistic reasons."

She: "499'000 Yen. That's my last offer."

He: "250 Yen, but only because I feel generous."

She: "495'000 Yen, I can not charge less."

He: "300 yen, and no penny more!"

She: "494'500 Yen. And nothing less!"

He: "350 Yen!"

She: "494'000 Yen!"

He: "400!"


She: "493'500!"

He: "450!"

She: "493'000!"


                                    [{(<*>)}]


Tokyo, five o' clock in the evening, an old man and a young lady were still
negotiating.

He said, exhausted: "OK, we agree on the price of 5'263 Yen."

She, also exhausted agrees: "Agreed, 5'263 Yen."

<yawn>  Here's your second real mistake.  When two titans clash, the 
described result shouldn't be boring.  The bargaining process should 
have more involved in it than "he sets an absurdly low price and she 
sets an absurdly high price and eventually they settle on a more 
reasonable price."  Their approaches should be creative and resourceful.
For example, can Scrooge think of things that Nabiki might want that 
wouldn't cost him actual money to give up?  Or can Nabiki?  For example, 
maybe his next stop is a flight into China after talking to Cologne. 
Taking an extra passenger on Scrooge's plane will only cost him a small 
amount of extra fuel, but Nabiki could probably sell that slot for a 
substantial markup.  Scrooge's reason for going to the Nekohanten could 
be valuable information in its own right, not to mention interesting to 
the reader.  Is he going there to ask Cologne about the location of some 
treasure?  Or is Cologne looking to engage Mousse to the foreigner's 
great niece?   Even apart from gambits like that, they should actually 
interact with each exchange.  He should scold her for taking advantage 
of her elders and complain that he isn't made of money.  She should 
point out that if he was made of his money he'd be taller than the Tokyo 
  Tower.  Stuff like that.

He gave her the money and she began to count it.

Then he asked: "The Information please."

Remember, in English you don't capitalise as a method of emphasis.

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'