--- Kal <kal@got.net> wrote:
Hi Dave,
I'm so glad you've decided to do a spinoff. Genma's
Daughter / Equal Halves
is one of the few stories with Ranma as a girl that
I actually like.
Before I go on, I have to apologize for one of the
comments I made about
Jedi of Chaos. It wasn't until I read the revised
version of ch02, did I
see that you already pointed out that Rosh is a
comic relief. This is what
I get for reading stories a few minutes at a time
(between various tasks at
work). BTW, revised version reads much smoother. I
guess the folks on the
FFML are fired up by the recent threads and are
offering lots of good
criticism. :)
Well, I don't have the mastery of English and
writing style to offer those
kind of good criticism, but I can't speak to what
seems odd to me and what I
liked about the story.
1) the part where Ranma list off the various NWC is
oddly formated. Either
have each character in it's own paragraph or combine
them together. I
prefer to see bulleted list, but some people seems
to think that doesn't go
well in story. <shrug>
Okay, I'll see about reformatting it.
2) Probably should have an explanation of what NWC
is, though anyone used to
reading Ranma fanfic could probably recognize it.
I'll make it a footnote. NWC=Nerima Wrecking Crew
3) The street address for Kobayakawa-san did not
seem like a Japanese
address. Hmm, try
03-3907-9644
2-5-5 Yakami, Nerima-ku, Tokyo
I noticed it's odd looking because I send stuff to
Japan often enough. I
formatted this by looking up a Nerima address in a
online Japanese
directory.
This is entirely my fault (gee Dave, ya think cuz u
wrote the danged fic). The address I put in was a
fill-in address as I was going to do some research
(which I obviously forgot) on how a proper japanese
address is like. I'll use your suggestion.
4) You have "Matte kudasai [1]", but no
corresponding footnote (I was very
careful to look this time, so I won't missed another
Rosh is comic relief
footnote)
Arrgg.. can't believe I missed that... <Bangs head on
keyboard>
5) Haha, Ranma is still Ranma; all that prep work
and he didn't plan on what
to say to Kobayakawa-san
Heh, true :D
6) Since you are writing with the thought that
conversation are carried out
in Japanese, how exactly are you translating "Miss".
For the initial scene
with Nishi-san, would he have simply said
Saotome-san? I'm trying to think
of a translation that would automatically made Ranma
uncomfortable, but I
failed.
Appreciate it for pointing that out. Looks like more
research is for me tonight, heh. I'll revamp it to
ensure Nishi-san is clearly declaring Ranma as a
"Miss", thus making our favorite cursed martial artist
very uncomfortable.
7) Love how you described Ranma's internal struggle
against Ukyou's offer of
4 special for his secret. I really get the sense
that it was a interal
battle
Thanks! It was one of the greatest fights Ranma has
ever had.. Against his bottomless pit of a stomach!
:D
This is starting out to be a great sequel. I
enjoyed it a lot. There are a
few rough edges as I read this, but hopefully, the
'revitalized' FFML can
provide assistance for you in that dept. Look
forward to see how you play
this out.
Glad ya enjoyed it, and thanks again for your C&C.
Hopefully, the revised version will be a much smoother
read.
Cheers,
-Kal
Latez,
Dave Wong
a.k.a. DarkWing
"Let's get dangerous"
Website: www.geocities.com/darksoar/start.html
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