Disclaimer: All C&C is offered, as always, with an implied warranty
in AS IS status. I tend to do these on the fly, as that's typically
when I get the best impression or most impact from a given scene, and
I don't like my C&C to be overly dry. Also, I have no idea what Valis
is, which may be a bit of a handicap. And I haven't read Aaron's C&C
to know if I'm possibly repeating some points/observations. But
what's life without a few challenges?
The click of boots on marble.
The hollow thud of massive doors swinging aside. Dark, black boots
tracking in red smears across white, stone floors enter through the
opening doors.
I believe the 'in' in line two can be dropped; more detail is provided
later, and it seems to fit with your (I think) stylistic brevity.
A woman's voice remarks, "I want you to know something, Yuuko."
Another's replies, "What is it?"
I think that 'Another' doesn't need a possesive here. I mean, you
could be addressing the woman, but it seems to me that the voice is
the focus of the previous line, and just 'Another replies' seems to
scan just fine.
Incidentally, I like the established tone so far (though, this looks
to be a short piece. Then again, [teaser], eh?)
The boots aren't tucked into anything, they simply reside on a pair
of legs left more or less bare up to the hemline of a dark, violet
skirt that drapes down from a wide, plate belt. The legs are pale and
streaked with more red.
'Reside' feels somewhat awkward, 'ere. I think the effect you seem to
be looking for is like a slow pan up. Maybe instead of 'reside', you
could go with 'concealed' and then 'only her feet', before continuing
to these (it's anime, so presumably ;) shapely legs? I'm unsure how
you would want to handle the interruption of the skirt, or the spray
of blood. Then again, this could be entirely different from your
intended effect.
"I've always hated you."
Heartwarming.
A black sword swings through the view frame, silently flicking a line
of red down to the floor, a finger then coming down to casually slide
up the fuller's groove of the weapon. The hand travels upwards, then,
crossing a fair bit of bare territory, smeared in crimson as well as
some strategic, black armor plating. The finger enters into the
swordwoman's mouth, leaving a smear behind as it departs. The mouth
forms a lazy smile that is briefly replaced by the image of a similar
girl dressed in a sun dress and wide brimmed hat.
This is the first reference to the 'view frame'. Is that neccessary?
The style seemed to be carrying itself so far, so this is slightly
jarring (or was that the intended effect?)
This girl speaks, "I've always hated you. From the first time I set
eyes on you."
Should this be 'speaks again', maybe.
The swordwoman reappears, and the object of her gaze comes into view.
A woman dressed in tattered and bloodied robes that were once of
truly fine quality. She seems to bear a great deal more than her
apparent years as a burden, but far more striking are her solid, blue
eyes, cobalt from edge to edge.
I think the 'truly' isn't neccessary here. Also, I'm unsure of the
'view'. Maybe 'is revealed'?
Another thing to maybe try and avoid is 'seemed' or 'appeared to be',
because that kind of takes some of the strength from the narrative.
Our narrative voice should be more confident, or should possibly alude
to these aspects of our character that would reveal them. Perhaps,
'she stood with the bearing of one who bore...' etc?
This woman's eyes are the focus as she too is replaced by a far
younger woman, a Japanese girl somewhere in her mid teens with
shockingly blue eyes. The look on her face as she peers at the woman
in the sun dress is obviously one of shock.
Since this is text, and not actually animated (or live action/cg, I
suppose) we don't need to tell the readers where it is. ;) We can
kind of cut to the chase on this one just by going to the description
of the eye.
"When we meet again. I will kill you."
All in all, I like what you've done with the style. I don't know the
characters well enough to know what their normal motivations are, but
this is intruiging as a story, as well. As an aside, was the stylism
just for the teaser, or is this how you're planning on writing the
whole thing?
Either way, I'm looking forward to seeing more of this one. Very
interesting. :)
Coming: Summer 2006 (We mean it, really)