Eric Holdt wrote:
Dragonboy: First off, we'd like to appologize for the lack of C&C for your
100 Days fic. The size of our attention spans makes for some difficult
reviewing for 100+ kb works. It's going great, though. ^_^
I think I've gotten more comments on 100 Days via this fic than the
average chapter of 100 Days itself. :)
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Disclaimer: In the year 2525, it is possible that through some
improbable series of events Naruto will belong to me.
Dragonboy: That, and Chobits, DearS, and every other
boy-meets-hot-robotic-chick series in existance will belong to me! Dream
big!
Heh.
When that happened, it was almost impossible to get them to let him to
do
Right.
Nervousness, however, was not a
trait that many had seen the young boy display. It was something he had
learned to hide at a far-too-early age, as with all signs of weakness.
Stiel: Weakness to ramen doesn't count, however.
Of course not! Ramen is a strength, not a weakness! :)
visible eye. "You look like you want to say something."
Naruto shuffled his feet. "Umm... I'm... I... I don't know
whether to say it. Iruka-sensei said I should, though, so..." he
Dragonboy: Remove the comma after should, I think.
Stiel: Or mabye make the second comma a period. "...though. So..." That
seems better.
Right. I'll play around with that to get something that looks better.
Naruto backed away nervously. "Please don't hit me, Sakura-
chan," she whined plaintively. When Sakura didn't say anything, or in
fact do anything but twitch several more times, he took a step forward.
"Sakura-chan?" he asked, worry plain in his voice.
Dragonboy: You're switching back and forth between referring to Naruto as a
guy and a girl since the transformation. First you said "she whined" but
are now saying "he asked...his voice". Try to keep a constant with the
gender referal.
As with that other examples of this below, it was unintentional. I tend
to have problems with characters randomly swapping genders in first
drafts even when they _aren't_ randomly swapping genders, and I didn't
give this fic enough typo-checks before inflicting it on the FFML.
Thanks for catching those, as they're definitely a pain to find for me.
"I'm sorry," the... other girl said flatly. "I'm trying to
figure out how I could have missed the fact that you don't have an
Adam's apple, given how many times I've throttled you."
"It was a transformation technique, sort of," Naruto explained.
"The Hokage used in on me when I was young.
in --> it
Good catch.
Kakashi's eye widened. Even he had never heard that the tiny
Haruno Clan had a bloodline limit. Sakura formed a rapid sequence of
seals, and then she... shifted. A moment after that, looking ludicrous
in the ill-fitting red dress, he grinned at the Uchiha heiress. "So,
how about a date, Sayuri-chan?" Sakura asked. The newly revealed girl
backed away, eyes widening in dawning horror as she clearly realized
that her revelation was not going to have the desired effect.
Stiel: I suppose the lesbian card is a little too late in coming.
Hee.
Kakashi rubbed at his forehead. "What a coincidence," he
muttered. "I wonder how the three of you, of all people, wound up in a
team together."
The three new genin traded a look, then Sakura shifted back to
female form. "Hokage-sama, you pervert," the three girls growled in
unison.
Dragonboy: Darn, no secrets for Kakashi? Maybe he's actually reading
Parade magazine inside those books of his?
Perchance in a sequel. "Secrets and Lies: The Last Generation" has a
decent ring to it, I think. :)
<snip Team 9 scene>
Dragonboy: Heh.
Stiel: Concurred.
Glad you liked!
Yuuhi Kurenai was presently vomiting, grateful she'd made it to
a toilet. Despite what her friend Mitarashi Anko loudly declared,
Kurenai was not a prude. Thank you very much, she was a well-adjusted
Stiel: I think you should include "Thank you very much" with the previous
sentence, then start a new sentence at "She was..."
As do numerous others. Consider it changed!
Author's Random Ramblings
Well, that's a wrap. Hopefully it was at least chuckle-worthy.
Stiel: In a twisted, disturbing sort of way, yes. It certainly was.
Dragonboy: Nice work, and I'll be waiting for the next installment of 100
Days, too. ^_^
Thank you for the comments!